What would being intimate often do for you? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 109Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 08:33 PM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,512
Cool Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
He may feel embarrassed at having to ask, or maybe you have turned him down in the past. Maybe in order to enjoy sex he needs to feel that YOU want it, and are not just doing him a favor.

You can find the answer to how he feels. Start having sex frequently. Drag him off to bed every other evening for an hour of passionate sex - skip your favorite TV show or whatever else you normally do. Go of your way to please him in bed - I bet he reciprocates. Try it for a couple of months See what happens. My bet is that you will find that you are both much happier.

Seems like very little to lose and maybe a lot to gain.


Don't do what my wife has done on several occasions of trying to "fix" our sex life by having frequent sex - then getting bored and tapering it off after 2 weeks as if I wouldn't notice.
After having read that, all that I can really say is: "Oh, how I'd absolutely love to have my 'snap' and 'crackle' 'popped!'"

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
arbitrator is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 09:33 PM
Member
 
badsanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Southpole!
Posts: 3,173
Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Angeline View Post
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts/feelings on the subject!
I know it can be a difficult thing to think about. I appreciate knowing more about how a man works so that I can work on things in my own marriage.

I am trying to be much more aware of how my actions, or lack thereof, affect my husband. We will go sometimes 2-3 weeks in-between any sexual contact..we both will comment that it's been a long time and ask eachother why we don't do it more often.
I feel like we get distracted and forget how much we love being intimate.
I do love it, but just don't think about it as often as I should.

I notice when we do it, he seems waaay more likely to cut me slack afterward and is in a lighter mood.
On the flip side, if we go too long, he'll be feisty, punchy, pick little fights etc..almost every time that happens, I take note that we haven't gotten it on for a while.

Amazing the difference it can make.

I have to say though, he is equally at fault for us not being frequent because it's not as if he is trying and I am turning him down.
It's just his laziness, I think. He rarely says to me- hey, it's been a while, I need to connect with you. He NEVER wants to appear weak.
If he brought it up more often, or approached me more often, we'd be much more sexually active: )
I like for him to feel fulfilled and happy!
Some people for whatever reason have a very difficult time initiating sex in relationships. I would strongly recommend you two schedule intimacy once a week, but at the same time try and both make an effort so that it happens naturally and use the scheduled time as a backup plan for when you both get too busy.

If you do this the two of you can invest time and energy into nonsexual intimacy with one another without any fears of rejection since sex is already scheduled. You can enjoy more hugging, back rubs, and playful conversations with one another. Perhaps that will naturally lead to physical intimacy happening all on its own, but if not you know that the two of you have some time set aside.

I think the average couple has intimacy about twice a week, even some of those that are considered very sexual.
badsanta is online now  
post #33 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 09:52 PM
Member
 
Vinnydee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Posts: 638
Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Sex 101. Sex releases the hormone Oxytocin, sometimes called the cuddle hormone. Its purpose is to emotionally bond the couple together. Therefore more sex means a deeper emotional bonding. This is why sex is so important in a marriage. Oxytocin is the same hormone that bonds a mother to a child.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
Vinnydee is offline  
post #34 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 10:01 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,968
Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Angeline View Post
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts/feelings on the subject!
I know it can be a difficult thing to think about. I appreciate knowing more about how a man works so that I can work on things in my own marriage.

I am trying to be much more aware of how my actions, or lack thereof, affect my husband. We will go sometimes 2-3 weeks in-between any sexual contact..we both will comment that it's been a long time and ask eachother why we don't do it more often.
I feel like we get distracted and forget how much we love being intimate.
I do love it, but just don't think about it as often as I should.

I notice when we do it, he seems waaay more likely to cut me slack afterward and is in a lighter mood.
On the flip side, if we go too long, he'll be feisty, punchy, pick little fights etc..almost every time that happens, I take note that we haven't gotten it on for a while.

Amazing the difference it can make.

I have to say though, he is equally at fault for us not being frequent because it's not as if he is trying and I am turning him down.
It's just his laziness, I think. He rarely says to me- hey, it's been a while, I need to connect with you. He NEVER wants to appear weak.
If he brought it up more often, or approached me more often, we'd be much more sexually active: )
I like for him to feel fulfilled and happy!
Are you the one in your relationship that always initiates sex?
EleGirl is offline  
post #35 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 10:48 PM
Member
 
john117's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 11,606
Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Did you do 30,000 steps a day tho? At 57? That's around 14 miles walking per day. Maybe at 40-45 I had enough energy...

We saw the Hirshhorn too - not impressed, the main exhibit lady apparently enjoyed sex as much as my wife (let's see who gets THAT)...
john117 is online now  
post #36 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 09:11 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 132
Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by john117 View Post
This.

We spent four full days in Washington DC. At the end of each day, after 27,000 to 30,000 steps, I could barely crawl back to our hotel (I'm 57). Sex? Not when I'm near death

Such actions give one great incentive to move forward and really do their best to keep the relationship going. They hold promises of things to come and memories of things past.

It boggles the mind that such obvious things aren't as obvious to many people.
Exactly. I'd rather have my feet rubbed. I suspect my wife would too - but from what I hear it's different for women.
m00nman is offline  
post #37 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 10:24 AM
Member
 
Holdingontoit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: In the woods
Posts: 1,344
Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kag123 View Post
You may be right. I feel nothing from sex - no different than at any other time - so for me observing his moods it seems like a lot of game playing.
I very much doubt it is game playing. To him, it is very real. When you have sex, he feels closer and more connected to your emotionally. When you don't have sex, for him the connection weakens. Since you do not react to sex this way, his reaction seems artificial to you. To him, it is natural.

I feel compelled to say the following even though you may dislike reading it: defaulting to your naturally desired frequency when you know he wants more is very selfish of you. You are forcing him to conform to your preferences and priorities. Even though you know his are different. You could be gracious and generous and loving toward him. But you are not. Look, I know life with a job and small kids is no picnic. You are pulled in a thousand different directions and you never have time or energy to get everything done and relax. the "to do" list is literally endless. Still and all, you are depriving your husband. And telling yourself in part that it is for the good of the kids. When in fact the single best thing you can do for your kids is maintain the strength of your marriage.

And make no mistake, forcing him onto your desired frequency is weakening your marriage. Thinking you can do that for 20 years and have a strong bond is foolish. After all your effort to raise your kids, if you end up receiving divorce papers the day your last kid leaves home, a big part of your parenting effort will have been for naught. I can't tell you how many of our friends and neighbors are getting divorced when the last kid leaves home. Not saying it will happen to you. But something to think about when you are planning your schedule for the week.

One last thing: if you do have a chronic health condition that prevents sex from time to time, that means you need to add extra sex to the mix when you feel OK. If you want to average once a week, but every 3 - 5 weeks you have to skip a week or two, then some weeks you need to have sex twice or even 3 times (OMG is that even possible?!?!?) to end up averaging once a week for the year.

When you can see it coming, duck!
Holdingontoit is offline  
post #38 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 10:40 AM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,518
Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by john117 View Post
Did you do 30,000 steps a day tho? At 57? That's around 14 miles walking per day. Maybe at 40-45 I had enough energy...

We saw the Hirshhorn too - not impressed, the main exhibit lady apparently enjoyed sex as much as my wife (let's see who gets THAT)...
Probably not 30,000 steps; more like 8-9 miles for the day. The Hirshhorn was mixed - some stuff we thought didn't qualify as art, yet other stuff was truly sublime. The collection has many pieces from artists the philanthropist supported, and he supported a wide range of things. The buildings it's in were interesting, though. I'm 62, so not much older - and we did take breaks to rest and refuel, and she'd take a long soak in the Jacuzzi before going out for dinner. Perhaps our priorities are just different.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is online now  
post #39 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 10:41 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 17
Actually, I'd say he probably initiates more than I do.
There are many times when it's a mutual initiation though.
He just did, 2 nights ago: ) It was a really good night.
Then last night, we were getting in bed later than usual and I brushed his suggestive comments aside...BUT the good news is that I am becoming more aware of how I do that. I do it a lot, I am noticing.

For example, he was already in bed as I was getting into my pajamas and I said I still need to turn the light off- which means I have to walk across the room- he mentioned something about me doing it topless, so I did, but kept my back to him, being shy, but playful about it.
Then he said to just be aggressive. I asked him what that looks like to him and he flat out said it looks like a blow job, lol! I laughed and then that was that...we kissed goodnight and I am right now realizing that was probably him wanting another night of steamy pleasure, like the previous night...but I totally wrote it off. Damn.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am in such a habit of listening with one ear when he starts making sexual comments. Not because I am against being sexual though...I don't know why?
I always take what he says with a grain of salt because, now that I really think about it, he does flirt a lot and make suggestive comments, so I suppose I am in the habit of just playing it off..never fully dismissing him though.
I flirt back, but I don't consciously see those things as his way of telling me he is interested in being sexual with me...sometimes it's not that, it's justvflirting mid-day, which is good! I like that too: )

Anyway, I think talking about it doesn't arouse me the way touching me does. It *can* if he does it in a really sensual way...especially if he is also looking at me at the same time, like wants to devour me; )

Normally, talking is fun and playful, but it doesn't get me going like a soft touch on my thigh or him slowly kissing my neck would.
I guess, too often, his words fall on deaf ears...yikes. That sounds terrible!
Angeline is offline  
post #40 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 10:43 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,995
Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Holdingontoit View Post
I very much doubt it is game playing. To him, it is very real. When you have sex, he feels closer and more connected to your emotionally. When you don't have sex, for him the connection weakens. Since you do not react to sex this way, his reaction seems artificial to you. To him, it is natural.

I feel compelled to say the following even though you may dislike reading it: defaulting to your naturally desired frequency when you know he wants more is very selfish of you. You are forcing him to conform to your preferences and priorities. Even though you know his are different. You could be gracious and generous and loving toward him. But you are not. Look, I know life with a job and small kids is no picnic. You are pulled in a thousand different directions and you never have time or energy to get everything done and relax. the "to do" list is literally endless. Still and all, you are depriving your husband. And telling yourself in part that it is for the good of the kids. When in fact the single best thing you can do for your kids is maintain the strength of your marriage.

And make no mistake, forcing him onto your desired frequency is weakening your marriage. Thinking you can do that for 20 years and have a strong bond is foolish. After all your effort to raise your kids, if you end up receiving divorce papers the day your last kid leaves home, a big part of your parenting effort will have been for naught. I can't tell you how many of our friends and neighbors are getting divorced when the last kid leaves home. Not saying it will happen to you. But something to think about when you are planning your schedule for the week.

One last thing: if you do have a chronic health condition that prevents sex from time to time, that means you need to add extra sex to the mix when you feel OK. If you want to average once a week, but every 3 - 5 weeks you have to skip a week or two, then some weeks you need to have sex twice or even 3 times (OMG is that even possible?!?!?) to end up averaging once a week for the year.
It's interesting to me that women (speaking broadly here) who rightly so point to hormonal changes for mood swings never give me the same courtesy. Nope game playing.
sokillme is offline  
post #41 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 10:46 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,284
Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Holdingontoit View Post
I very much doubt it is game playing. To him, it is very real. When you have sex, he feels closer and more connected to your emotionally. When you don't have sex, for him the connection weakens. Since you do not react to sex this way, his reaction seems artificial to you. To him, it is natural.

I feel compelled to say the following even though you may dislike reading it: defaulting to your naturally desired frequency when you know he wants more is very selfish of you. You are forcing him to conform to your preferences and priorities. Even though you know his are different. You could be gracious and generous and loving toward him. But you are not. Look, I know life with a job and small kids is no picnic. You are pulled in a thousand different directions and you never have time or energy to get everything done and relax. the "to do" list is literally endless. Still and all, you are depriving your husband. And telling yourself in part that it is for the good of the kids. When in fact the single best thing you can do for your kids is maintain the strength of your marriage.

And make no mistake, forcing him onto your desired frequency is weakening your marriage. Thinking you can do that for 20 years and have a strong bond is foolish. After all your effort to raise your kids, if you end up receiving divorce papers the day your last kid leaves home, a big part of your parenting effort will have been for naught. I can't tell you how many of our friends and neighbors are getting divorced when the last kid leaves home. Not saying it will happen to you. But something to think about when you are planning your schedule for the week.

One last thing: if you do have a chronic health condition that prevents sex from time to time, that means you need to add extra sex to the mix when you feel OK. If you want to average once a week, but every 3 - 5 weeks you have to skip a week or two, then some weeks you need to have sex twice or even 3 times (OMG is that even possible?!?!?) to end up averaging once a week for the year.
I appreciate the input. My H does not want sex just for his benefit. He only wants it if I want it too (read: I am naturally in the mood before I even approach him). If there is any hint that I am doing it just for him - to keep ticking some frequency checkbox - he shuts it down. He knows me and knows my true desire level, so can tell when I am not in the mood. (There's also the "tells" like he can tell I'm not actually wet and so on.)

So we are at this stalemate, partly of his doing.

Luckily, both of us believe in divorce! I've always told him if you ever want out - hand me the papers and I'll sign em! Same the other way around. Whether that happens next week, ten years from now or never...who knows. Neither of us are in it against our will though. If he gets sick of it he knows he can get out.
kag123 is offline  
post #42 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 10:50 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,995
Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Angeline View Post
Actually, I'd say he probably initiates more than I do.
There are many times when it's a mutual initiation though.
He just did, 2 nights ago: ) It was a really good night.
Then last night, we were getting in bed later than usual and I brushed his suggestive comments aside...BUT the good news is that I am becoming more aware of how I do that. I do it a lot, I am noticing.

For example, he was already in bed as I was getting into my pajamas and I said I still need to turn the light off- which means I have to walk across the room- he mentioned something about me doing it topless, so I did, but kept my back to him, being shy, but playful about it.
Then he said to just be aggressive. I asked him what that looks like to him and he flat out said it looks like a blow job, lol! I laughed and then that was that...we kissed goodnight and I am right now realizing that was probably him wanting another night of steamy pleasure, like the previous night...but I totally wrote it off. Damn.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am in such a habit of listening with one ear when he starts making sexual comments. Not because I am against being sexual though...I don't know why?
I always take what he says with a grain of salt because, now that I really think about it, he does flirt a lot and make suggestive comments, so I suppose I am in the habit of just playing it off..never fully dismissing him though.
I flirt back, but I don't consciously see those things as his way of telling me he is interested in being sexual with me...sometimes it's not that, it's justvflirting mid-day, which is good! I like that too: )

Anyway, I think talking about it doesn't arouse me the way touching me does. It *can* if he does it in a really sensual way...especially if he is also looking at me at the same time, like wants to devour me; )

Normally, talking is fun and playful, but it doesn't get me going like a soft touch on my thigh or him slowly kissing my neck would.
I guess, too often, his words fall on deaf ears...yikes. That sounds terrible!
Do you ever just want it? Are you afraid to have those feelings? Primal ones? I think you would be better served to develop those feelings in yourself (for him). Then trying to read all his signals. I am sure he would greatly appreciate this. Ever think of letting yourself go to them with him. I mean he is your husband, if you can't do that with him who can you do it with. Do you tell him what you want? Or better yet do you demand what you want? Try it sometime.
sokillme is offline  
post #43 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 11:29 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,604
Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Please don't take this badly but you may be hurting him far more than you know.

He makes a suggestive comment, or something to imply he wants sex. You seem to respond positively - go turn off the light topless etc, but then reject what he actually wants.

My wife does this to me, and the teasing followed by rejection really hurts. She will go along with flirtatious actions / comments all evening, then not actually want any intimacy. It would be far better if she just told me up front that she wasn't feeling like anything sexual that evening. Otherwise I'm left trying to consciously ignore any flirting she does in order to avoid being hurt / rejected later.

This leads to the poisonous situation where I don't "trust" her flirting. Too often she flirts, I get interested / excited, only to be rejected. I develop a defense where I will play along if she flirts, but deep down I protect myself, don't let myself really believe that it means anything. So when we do have sex, I'm always starting out with the expectation that I will be rejected. Rather than a natural build-up to passion, its play-acting with my defense up, and it makes the entire experience far less enjoyable.

It teasing - not the good sort, but the bad sort where you pretend to throw a ball for your dog to catch, but don't really do it.


Of course this needs to be a two way street. Be sure he knows what arouses you, that for you the kisses on the neck mean a lot. He may not realize the thinks that matter to you, but if he knew, he might be happy to do them.







Quote:
Originally Posted by Angeline View Post
Actually, I'd say he probably initiates more than I do.
There are many times when it's a mutual initiation though.
He just did, 2 nights ago: ) It was a really good night.
Then last night, we were getting in bed later than usual and I brushed his suggestive comments aside...BUT the good news is that I am becoming more aware of how I do that. I do it a lot, I am noticing.

For example, he was already in bed as I was getting into my pajamas and I said I still need to turn the light off- which means I have to walk across the room- he mentioned something about me doing it topless, so I did, but kept my back to him, being shy, but playful about it.
Then he said to just be aggressive. I asked him what that looks like to him and he flat out said it looks like a blow job, lol! I laughed and then that was that...we kissed goodnight and I am right now realizing that was probably him wanting another night of steamy pleasure, like the previous night...but I totally wrote it off. Damn.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am in such a habit of listening with one ear when he starts making sexual comments. Not because I am against being sexual though...I don't know why?
I always take what he says with a grain of salt because, now that I really think about it, he does flirt a lot and make suggestive comments, so I suppose I am in the habit of just playing it off..never fully dismissing him though.
I flirt back, but I don't consciously see those things as his way of telling me he is interested in being sexual with me...sometimes it's not that, it's justvflirting mid-day, which is good! I like that too: )

Anyway, I think talking about it doesn't arouse me the way touching me does. It *can* if he does it in a really sensual way...especially if he is also looking at me at the same time, like wants to devour me; )

Normally, talking is fun and playful, but it doesn't get me going like a soft touch on my thigh or him slowly kissing my neck would.
I guess, too often, his words fall on deaf ears...yikes. That sounds terrible!
uhtred is online now  
post #44 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 02:15 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,995
Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Please don't take this badly but you may be hurting him far more than you know.

He makes a suggestive comment, or something to imply he wants sex. You seem to respond positively - go turn off the light topless etc, but then reject what he actually wants.

My wife does this to me, and the teasing followed by rejection really hurts. She will go along with flirtatious actions / comments all evening, then not actually want any intimacy. It would be far better if she just told me up front that she wasn't feeling like anything sexual that evening. Otherwise I'm left trying to consciously ignore any flirting she does in order to avoid being hurt / rejected later.

This leads to the poisonous situation where I don't "trust" her flirting. Too often she flirts, I get interested / excited, only to be rejected. I develop a defense where I will play along if she flirts, but deep down I protect myself, don't let myself really believe that it means anything. So when we do have sex, I'm always starting out with the expectation that I will be rejected. Rather than a natural build-up to passion, its play-acting with my defense up, and it makes the entire experience far less enjoyable.

It teasing - not the good sort, but the bad sort where you pretend to throw a ball for your dog to catch, but don't really do it.


Of course this needs to be a two way street. Be sure he knows what arouses you, that for you the kisses on the neck mean a lot. He may not realize the thinks that matter to you, but if he knew, he might be happy to do them.
Does she outright reject you or do you look for her to make the first mood. When she turns out the light do you call her on it? Why not. "Hey, what was all that about if you are not going to follow through? Why are you sending me mixed signals?"
sokillme is offline  
post #45 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 03:58 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,604
Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

If this was to me, she outright rejects if I start anything. She will say something to the effect of, "I was hoping to [have sex], but I [standard excuse]*, lets try tomorrow"

where [standard excuse] is one of: got tired, have a headache, stayed up too late, had to finish some work, needed to do some [random chore], etc. All really mean "I don't actually feel like it now", and I think even she isn't sure why she doesn't feel like it.



Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Does she outright reject you or do you look for her to make the first mood. When she turns out the light do you call her on it? Why not. "Hey, what was all that about if you are not going to follow through? Why are you sending me mixed signals?"
uhtred is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome