What would being intimate often do for you? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #46 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 06:09 PM Thread Starter
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I have been honest with my husband before about when I am truly tired. At times, that is well before bedtime, if it's been a hectic day...NOT because I didn't want sex though! Never thought he might relate the two.
Recently I started becoming aware of the fact that he seemed deflated if I said it..so I decided I'd let him know that even though I am tired, it doesn't mean I am *too tired* for action: ) He seems to like that confirmation.

I DO feel the need for him sexually on my own at times, yes. Usually for a good 5 days or so around ovulation and again a few days leading up to my period....and also during my period sometimes.
Other than that, I don't really feel a big natural drive for it.
BUT, if he gets me started, I am always happy and enthusiastic about connecting.

One reason I hesitate to initiate for myself is that, the few times that I have, he has not stayed fully hard. (We're both 39, but this has happened over the course of a few years..no health issues.)
I noticed that almost every time I try to initiate, things go downhill during, for whatever reason.
I try to act cool about it and make it a non-issue, but inside I'm thinking, ****! He must really not be comfortable with me starting it off. Also, I figure that, since he obviously HAS to be hard to have actual sex, I'll just wait until he comes to me for it next time.
Only he knows when he is really ready.
Even if I am not 'ready' per se, I can still accomodate him...if HE'S not ready, then no sex is happening. So I feel it's up to him, for the most part.

In those instances, when things don't go as we hoped, we've moved on to other things that didn't involve penetration, but to be honest, I would rather end the session after I see he isn't into it. He tries to be into it still and I know he's probably a little embarrassed when it happens, and I get it.
But in my head I am thinking, hmm, I must not be doing it for him right now, which kills my arousal....and my drive to initiate again.
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post #47 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 06:17 PM Thread Starter
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Also, to answer a few other questions..I do not often tell him what I want. I am afraid of how that feels.
During sex, I show him what I like and he goes with it..but anytime I talk about something, it just gets nowhere.
Example...We figured out a way for me to orgasm during oral, (which I could NEVER do before,) so I have brought it up a few times since it happened but nothing.
Going down on me is a rare thing here
And I am clean and neatly taken care of down there.
Might be a power thing. Ugh.
Could be why I laugh off the bj comments.
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post #48 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 06:39 PM
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Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

You sound fun.

My wife and I have had sex almost every day of our marriage. I admit the last few years I have orgasms only a few times a week, but I make sure my wife continues to have several every day. Such is life in the sixties.

My wife has initiated sex less than a handful of times in our 43 years of marriage. I remember she once told me she thought she was seducing me by simply failing to say no. My wife has never said no to sex. But it's always my job to get things going and make things interesting. It works well for us, and kept us both happy.

I assure you, a week without sex and I know I would be climbing the walls and ready to rip people's heads off. When I was young, in my forties for instance, two days without would put me on edge. The mood change was pronounced and very real. The only way to soothe my nerves was a good hour workout with my wife. Sex keeps me happy. In my opinion the same is true for my wife, too. Well, except she never gets upset or anything. She does get happy, though, for sure.

Last edited by WilliamM; 03-30-2017 at 06:43 PM.
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post #49 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:12 AM
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Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Angeline View Post
Only he knows when he is really ready.
Even if I am not 'ready' per se, I can still accomodate him...if HE'S not ready, then no sex is happening. So I feel it's up to him, for the most part.
@Angeline you should spend some time discussing this exact topic with your husband. I think the two of you (particularly him) may be struggling with goal-driven sex in that he feels compelled to have an orgasm each time.

While many people like to think that man are ready to go at the drop of a hat, we are not. We only appear that way because we have been wanting and thinking about it for a day or more in a way that cultivates enough sexual energy that lovemaking can happen instantaneously and an orgasm will be imminent regardless of how we are stimulated. If you approach your husband while he is not in this state, it would be easy for him to get some performance anxiety as he discovers reaching his own climax is not effortless and now requires some finesse which can easy throw him off his game and make him feel very self conscious (resulting in loss of erection).

So what you should try with your husband is to initiate lovemaking for the goal of NOT having an orgasm. If you are aroused and want to have one, be playful about this challenge with him. Let him try and make you fail at this challenge, and likewise you can do the same for him. This will do a multitude of things. #1 it will shift focus on a stronger emotional connection during lovemaking. #2 your husband will no longer have any anxiety about feeling compelled to reach his orgasm. #3 your husband will enjoy feeling your body respond to his and he will enjoy being playful to make you "fail" this challenge (same vice versa). #4 if you don't have orgasms you likely really enjoyed bonding and have started cultivating sexual energy to make the next time even more enjoyable. #5 if one or both of you fails this challenge and has an orgasm, well then that makes "failure" into something fun and enjoyable as opposed to something that will leave you feeling self conscious or sad.

You should also discuss with your husband the idea of each of you learning to enjoy a one-sided experience. This is where one person admits up front that while they are not exactly in the mood that he/she would still enjoy pleasing the other. This will drastically change the dynamics of lovemaking, because both of you will understand that both of you are focused on making the experience the best it can be just for one of you, and you can BOTH work together to accomplish exactly that. Sometimes these experiences are beyond what can be imagined because the person in the mood does not have to preoccupy themselves with their partner and can enjoy selfish pleasure, and their partner giving pleasure will can actually end up enjoying this just as much if not more than the one receiving (sounds strange, but there is happiness in making your partner happy). It takes a lot of work on one's self confidence to learn to enjoy being the receiver of this pleasure as you have to feel you are worth it, but this is an area of self development that will take you places!

Hope that helps,
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post #50 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:17 AM
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Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

An erection is not necessarily a good indication of how aroused he is. Of course his level of interest in sex will vary, so he may just be starting out hornier when he initiates than when you do - doesn't mean he doesn't want you to initiate.

Its possible though that he doesn't like you initiating as much - I think the only way to know is to ask him. There is so much variation between people.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Angeline View Post
I have been honest with my husband before about when I am truly tired. At times, that is well before bedtime, if it's been a hectic day...NOT because I didn't want sex though! Never thought he might relate the two.
Recently I started becoming aware of the fact that he seemed deflated if I said it..so I decided I'd let him know that even though I am tired, it doesn't mean I am *too tired* for action: ) He seems to like that confirmation.

I DO feel the need for him sexually on my own at times, yes. Usually for a good 5 days or so around ovulation and again a few days leading up to my period....and also during my period sometimes.
Other than that, I don't really feel a big natural drive for it.
BUT, if he gets me started, I am always happy and enthusiastic about connecting.

One reason I hesitate to initiate for myself is that, the few times that I have, he has not stayed fully hard. (We're both 39, but this has happened over the course of a few years..no health issues.)
I noticed that almost every time I try to initiate, things go downhill during, for whatever reason.
I try to act cool about it and make it a non-issue, but inside I'm thinking, ****! He must really not be comfortable with me starting it off. Also, I figure that, since he obviously HAS to be hard to have actual sex, I'll just wait until he comes to me for it next time.
Only he knows when he is really ready.
Even if I am not 'ready' per se, I can still accomodate him...if HE'S not ready, then no sex is happening. So I feel it's up to him, for the most part.

In those instances, when things don't go as we hoped, we've moved on to other things that didn't involve penetration, but to be honest, I would rather end the session after I see he isn't into it. He tries to be into it still and I know he's probably a little embarrassed when it happens, and I get it.
But in my head I am thinking, hmm, I must not be doing it for him right now, which kills my arousal....and my drive to initiate again.
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post #51 of 80 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:21 AM
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Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

This is very unfortunate and new information.

It sounds like you are trying your best to do what he wants but he is not reciprocating. If you enjoy him giving you oral, he should be doing it frequently - since I assume you are willing to do the same for him.

He doesn't know how lucky he is. My wife finds it almost impossible to tell me what she wants, so every time is a guessing game - I do something and she either lets me continue or tells me to stop. Turns into a endless series of little rejections.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Angeline View Post
Also, to answer a few other questions..I do not often tell him what I want. I am afraid of how that feels.
During sex, I show him what I like and he goes with it..but anytime I talk about something, it just gets nowhere.
Example...We figured out a way for me to orgasm during oral, (which I could NEVER do before,) so I have brought it up a few times since it happened but nothing.
Going down on me is a rare thing here
And I am clean and neatly taken care of down there.
Might be a power thing. Ugh.
Could be why I laugh off the bj comments.
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post #52 of 80 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

It drives me crazy when guys won't go downtown on their woman. I would love to be able to, but my wife won't even let me look at her vagina, much less touch it with my hands or go down on her. Hasn't since our kids were born. At this point in my life (35) I'd rather my wife have an orgasm than myself, but she is not interested.

I'm not awful at it or anything, either. She used to enjoy it, as did previous girlfriends before my wife.
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post #53 of 80 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 04:38 PM
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Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by podiumboy View Post
It drives me crazy when guys won't go downtown on their woman. I would love to be able to, but my wife won't even let me look at her vagina, much less touch it with my hands or go down on her. Hasn't since our kids were born. At this point in my life (35) I'd rather my wife have an orgasm than myself, but she is not interested.

I'm not awful at it or anything, either. She used to enjoy it, as did previous girlfriends before my wife.
Depression? Low self esteem? Anxiety? All these things are detriment to sexual confidence. Bathe together and get her really, really relaxed. Use candles (start with on small tea light and build it up as she gets confident) and coconut oil all over and especially down there.. it gives us confidence.
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post #54 of 80 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 06:18 PM
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Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

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Originally Posted by peacem View Post
Depression? Low self esteem? Anxiety? All these things are detriment to sexual confidence. Bathe together and get her really, really relaxed. Use candles (start with on small tea light and build it up as she gets confident) and coconut oil all over and especially down there.. it gives us confidence.
She says she just has hang ups about sex that she needs to work through to get over. It's been the same cycle for about 2 years, our sex life will fall into a rut of her basically letting me nail her, but she makes no effort to even pretend to enjoy it. The goal is for me to get in, do what I need to do to get off, and then leave her be. I complain and voice my dissatisfaction with this, she gets mad because I'm putting too much pressure on her. We reach a mutual agreement, have decent sex for about a month or so. No oral sex, I've stopped asking. Then something will happen; she'll get sick, kids will get sick, she'll have a busy week, she'll have her period, and then before we know it, 2 weeks have gone by, and the momentum is gone, back to square one.

I've decided that I'm tired of groveling, pestering and begging for sex like some pathetic teenager. Actually, I had a better sex life with my high school girlfriend, which is a pretty depressing thought. But I'm done pestering her for duty sex, which neither of us really ends up enjoying anyway. For the time being, I need to just figure out how to accept this. She is 31 and I'm 35, so we're still pretty young. I will not divorce her, I will not cheat on her, and I'm certain she's not cheating on me (I've researched the matter thoroughly). I really think sex has just become a chore to her, another thing on the to-do list. I will not be THAT anymore. Other than sex, we actually do have a pretty great relationship. I love her and think she's the most beautiful woman, she's a great mother and wife.
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post #55 of 80 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 06:28 PM
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Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Familiar and depressing. Don't expect it to get better. Someday you will be 55 like me, not 35. Be sure that your 55 year old self will be happy with the choices you make now.


Quote:
Originally Posted by podiumboy View Post
She says she just has hang ups about sex that she needs to work through to get over. It's been the same cycle for about 2 years, our sex life will fall into a rut of her basically letting me nail her, but she makes no effort to even pretend to enjoy it. The goal is for me to get in, do what I need to do to get off, and then leave her be. I complain and voice my dissatisfaction with this, she gets mad because I'm putting too much pressure on her. We reach a mutual agreement, have decent sex for about a month or so. No oral sex, I've stopped asking. Then something will happen; she'll get sick, kids will get sick, she'll have a busy week, she'll have her period, and then before we know it, 2 weeks have gone by, and the momentum is gone, back to square one.

I've decided that I'm tired of groveling, pestering and begging for sex like some pathetic teenager. Actually, I had a better sex life with my high school girlfriend, which is a pretty depressing thought. But I'm done pestering her for duty sex, which neither of us really ends up enjoying anyway. For the time being, I need to just figure out how to accept this. She is 31 and I'm 35, so we're still pretty young. I will not divorce her, I will not cheat on her, and I'm certain she's not cheating on me (I've researched the matter thoroughly). I really think sex has just become a chore to her, another thing on the to-do list. I will not be THAT anymore. Other than sex, we actually do have a pretty great relationship. I love her and think she's the most beautiful woman, she's a great mother and wife.
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post #56 of 80 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 07:03 PM
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Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Quote:
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Familiar and depressing. Don't expect it to get better. Someday you will be 55 like me, not 35. Be sure that your 55 year old self will be happy with the choices you make now.
For some reason, this little piece of advice really hit me hard. I needed to read this. I'm 35 now, and my kids are only 3 and 5. I really do love their mother, and at this point I'm nowhere near breaking up my family because of sex. Wife is pretty stressed out right now with college, and life in general is crazy with 2 young kids. I get it, but I'm starting to realize that life is always stressful. There's always going to be a reason to not have sex if she wants to find one. My plan right now is to just see how things progress, and re-evaluate when I turn 40. I refuse to go the rest of my life without a satisfying sex life, but for now, I don't have much of a choice.
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post #57 of 80 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 07:47 PM
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Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

I've been married 30 years and its never really gotten better. Our situation is a little different, my wife doesn't want any sort of sexual activity when she isn't in the mood. We have a long discussion and she makes an attempt for a while but something always comes up. I eventually realized that she wasn't making excuses, but honestly didn't understand why she didn't want sex, she just didn't.

Your situation won't improve. Your kids will be in the house for another 15 years, and it will never be a good time to divorce. Then you will find that you have been married for 20 years, and won't be able to abandon the wife that you love. Having lived that way for so long, it will feel to her like you are divorcing her because she is old - even though that is so far from the truth.

You can live like this if you want, and if you have the right sort of personality, you can have a very happy life. Just don't live your life waiting for this to get better.





Quote:
Originally Posted by podiumboy View Post
For some reason, this little piece of advice really hit me hard. I needed to read this. I'm 35 now, and my kids are only 3 and 5. I really do love their mother, and at this point I'm nowhere near breaking up my family because of sex. Wife is pretty stressed out right now with college, and life in general is crazy with 2 young kids. I get it, but I'm starting to realize that life is always stressful. There's always going to be a reason to not have sex if she wants to find one. My plan right now is to just see how things progress, and re-evaluate when I turn 40. I refuse to go the rest of my life without a satisfying sex life, but for now, I don't have much of a choice.
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post #58 of 80 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 08:04 PM
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Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

My wife seems adamant that her desire for sex will return. She has actually shown me articles she has looked up, how to overcome low libido and sexual aversion, how mothering young children destroys a woman's sex drive, and I've seen similar articles in our search history. She seems to think that her sex drive is coming back, and it might.
But what if it doesn't?
And if so, when?
Next month?
Next year?
10 years from now?
What if by then I suffer from ED or something? These are the thoughts that crowd my mind. I try to not be a pessimist, but as you say, I really don't think my wife's sex drive is going to return. Maybe counseling could help get to the bottom of her sexual aversion, or maybe the counselor will just tell me to quit being such a horny bastard and leave the poor woman alone. I truly do believe my wife loves me 100%, but sex is just not a priority to her. She would never agree to an open relationship... she freaked out when I went to a strip club for a friend's bachelor party recently (I was well behaved and stayed out of the VIP room, FYI).

My busiest time of year is coming up, work wise. I'll be pretty preoccupied with work from now until about mid-July. My plan is just focus on work, and being a good husband and father, and not pester her for sex and see how she reacts. I'm sure she won't even notice, or will be relieved, but we'll see.
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post #59 of 80 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 09:08 PM
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Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Together for 25 years, Married for 16

My wife and I have had a relatively platonic relationship for the majority of our relationship. Although, I totally enjoy sex, I never pushed it because I had horrible role models growing up. My choice of previous sexual conquests/partners confirmed that I wanted more than sex.

So I met my wife and she was a virgin in her mid 20's and she actually liked me and spending time with me. She was an overall good girl and it was refreshing. Fast forward...

We married after 8 or so years and sex didn't seem important. Maybe I just accepted it. Maybe I chose her for my wife because I knew she wouldn't cheat on me.. Abandonment issues growing up!!!! IDK!

So on to the OP's question:
I've been self-employed for over 15 years now. Looking back over my career, the most successful year was when we were trying to get pregnant. At that time, I felt loved, desired, and wanted. We were having sex every night and I was getting really good at it. It seemed as though my wife actually enjoyed sex, and I felt confident for the first time since those previous relationships. I felt like a man!

Then it died after the birth of our daughter.

Another great year was when we were trying to improve intimacy in our marriage. I think my wife was really trying and I had that same feeling as I did when we were trying to get pregnant and I had a banner year Financially.

The last several years have sucked. She told me then that she has always thought of me as a friend and not a sexual romantic partner and only had sex so I wouldn't leave. The last three years have been the worst years financially and psychologically for me.

I hate that I base my confidence on sex and intimacy. I hate that when all intimacy died, my business started tanking.

I know there are many single successful rich men out there who aren't having sex, so I can't blame the lack of sex. Part of me feels that I'd be happier divorced. I am working on the financial logistics of that.

When we were having mutually satisfying sex, I was able to hold my head up high, had a great attitude, and I kept a smile on my face.

Last edited by Hidden Gem; 04-02-2017 at 09:12 PM.
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post #60 of 80 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 09:23 PM
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Re: What would being intimate often do for you?

Sex and intimacy makes all of life's other problems seem less important and easier to deal with together.
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