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What would being intimate often do for you?

10K views 79 replies 34 participants last post by  Angeline 
#1 ·
I am gearing this question toward the men:

If you were initimate with your wife/gf, (be it actual sex, hand-jobs, blow-jobs, anal, anything that you consider sexual intimacy,)
every day or every other day, how would that impact your life? Or would it??
How might that type of frequency affect how you feel as a man?
Would you value her in a different way?

This is assuming the quality was average-high. I am not talking about if she was reluctant...Only willing and enthusiastic! : )

Think about how that would impact you...

Thank you!
 
#2 ·
confidence
full love tank
sleep better
A sore Johnson!!!!

I also think too much of a good thing would eventually be taken for granted!

For the record I can't believe I just typed that as a younger man I would never have even hinted at such a statement. But as a mature man(some might disagree) I think there can be too much of a good thing which would/could diminish the lovemaking to routine, or less passion etc.


But as a young man it would have helped me not resent my wife for turning me down or putting sex as such a low priority.
 
#3 ·
I also think too much of a good thing would eventually be taken for granted!

For the record I can't believe I just typed that as a younger man I would never have even hinted at such a statement. But as a mature man(some might disagree) I think there can be too much of a good thing which would/could diminish the lovemaking to routine, or less passion etc.
I agree. The tendency is there for everyone to take things for granted, especially during youth. I was as guilty of it as the next guy.
 
#4 ·
I'm in my 40s and my wife and I are dealing with decreased libido (associated with increasing aches and pains, work/life imbalance and raising adolescent children) so I would actually be suspicious of any overt sexual initiative. I'd rather smaller physical expressions of love (holding hands, hugs while passing, laying her head on my shoulder as we sit on the couch) that shows that she's invested in my feelings and as a side benefit could hint at the possibility of unhurried sex when the moment is right.
 
#29 ·
This.

We spent four full days in Washington DC. At the end of each day, after 27,000 to 30,000 steps, I could barely crawl back to our hotel (I'm 57). Sex? Not when I'm near death [emoji15]

Such actions give one great incentive to move forward and really do their best to keep the relationship going. They hold promises of things to come and memories of things past.

It boggles the mind that such obvious things aren't as obvious to many people.
 
#5 ·
I feel loved, and desired. I feel happy, contented, and very lucky to have such a wonderful, loving wife. Life is good, and I have a high level of optimism. There is no taking this for granted, even after 17 years. This high level of quality sexual intimacy is something we both value and enjoy.

This is in stark contrast to my ex, where the marriage was essentially sexless. I was unhappy with her, our marriage, and my future. Enough so that I eventually got smart and divorced her.
 
#7 ·
While a general increase in "enthusiastic frequency" is rather significant, the dynamics of sexuality in a long term relationship are a little more complex than that.

In some relationships sexuality is all about a power exchange between couples. Outside the bedroom perhaps the husband is very dominant and controlling, while inside the bedroom he likes to be dominated and controlled by an extremely confident wife. Or vice versa. A sudden increase in enthusiastic frequency may alter the ecosystems that keeps the power exchange between a couple balanced in a way that is very satisfying and drive both forwards in life.

While I hate to say it, if my wife enthusiastically gave it to me everyday, I'd likely loose some respect for her and stop pursuing her romantically. Perhaps I'd be happy in the short term, but in the long run it would push us apart because we would have become too close. Desire needs a little distance!

Regards,
Badsanta
 
#8 ·
It would totally change my outlook on myself, her, our marriage, and life itself. I would be more energetic, more productive at work, happier, and more fun to be with. There is NOTHING else that my wife could do for me (alone or in the aggregate) that would in any way, shape or form come close to having the same impact on my satisfaction with our marriage.

Now, many would say that shows a flaw and weakness in my character: that I place so much emphasis on sex. Guilty as charged. And I am sure that my excessive reliance on sex for validation is a big part of the reason my wife does NOT provide frequent enthusiastic sex.

But if you are asking "my husband told me it would have an enormous impact on his confidence, vitality, energy, happiness, and more, but I am suspicious - is that possibly true or is it just a line to get into my pants?" Well, there is no guarantee that it IS true, but it quite possibly could be true. Only one way to find out. If it works and he becomes a better version of himself, win-win for both of you. If it doesn't work and it was just a line to get into your pants, well, I am sure you can think of a suitable form of revenge for his duplicity. If you are even remotely considering doing it, you should. Might as well take his complaint off the table and dare him to make it up to you.
 
#11 ·
I wanted to add, I've said as much to my wife over the years, but to no avail. She "gets" it, understands the logic behind it, yet never acts upon it. For me, it's a win-win. For her, it's clearly not important. She likes the marriage the way it is just fine, and has said so. Perhaps this means I spend too much time on her needs, I don't know. She does seem content. The other thought was that this is perhaps the best relationship she's ever had (it's certainly the longest), therefore it's very good, in comparison. Which is likely true.

Couple that with her general lack of interest in sex, and there you have it. No real need to go that extra mile, as it were.

I realize this is my fault, and I've accepted it. I'm not (yet) willing to do a 180, as I actually am not confident she wouldn't just leave, rather than acquiesce. It's a personality trait of hers... that "**** you don't manipulate me" gene. I respect it, but at the same time it's a pain in the ass...!
 
#15 ·
I know you are asking men, but from my point of view regarding (almost) daily sex means NO arguing, being good to each other, patience, better parents, taking time to look good for each other, thinking outside the box to stop sex from becoming boring, non sexual intimacy is now the norm, lack of jealousy and increase in trust, better sleep, anxiety infrequent to non existent.

It is NOT perfect but it is considerably better for us both.
 
#18 ·
I guess I must be one of the few "lucky" ones who already has that kind of frequency. I honestly can't remember any time in our 20+ year marriage where we didn't ML at least 4 to 6 times a week, except when there was an illness or surgery. Sex is not always "earth shattering" but it is always good.

I am almost always positive about life in general. I don't worry about much. I sleep good (but probably not enough). I get very horny often...>:):grin2:
 
#20 ·
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts/feelings on the subject!
I know it can be a difficult thing to think about. I appreciate knowing more about how a man works so that I can work on things in my own marriage.

I am trying to be much more aware of how my actions, or lack thereof, affect my husband. We will go sometimes 2-3 weeks in-between any sexual contact..we both will comment that it's been a long time and ask eachother why we don't do it more often.
I feel like we get distracted and forget how much we love being intimate.
I do love it, but just don't think about it as often as I should.

I notice when we do it, he seems waaay more likely to cut me slack afterward and is in a lighter mood.
On the flip side, if we go too long, he'll be feisty, punchy, pick little fights etc..almost every time that happens, I take note that we haven't gotten it on for a while.

Amazing the difference it can make.

I have to say though, he is equally at fault for us not being frequent because it's not as if he is trying and I am turning him down.
It's just his laziness, I think. He rarely says to me- hey, it's been a while, I need to connect with you. He NEVER wants to appear weak.
If he brought it up more often, or approached me more often, we'd be much more sexually active: )
I like for him to feel fulfilled and happy!
 
#23 ·
He may feel embarrassed at having to ask, or maybe you have turned him down in the past. Maybe in order to enjoy sex he needs to feel that YOU want it, and are not just doing him a favor.

You can find the answer to how he feels. Start having sex frequently. Drag him off to bed every other evening for an hour of passionate sex - skip your favorite TV show or whatever else you normally do. Go of your way to please him in bed - I bet he reciprocates. Try it for a couple of months See what happens. My bet is that you will find that you are both much happier.

Seems like very little to lose and maybe a lot to gain.


Don't do what my wife has done on several occasions of trying to "fix" our sex life by having frequent sex - then getting bored and tapering it off after 2 weeks as if I wouldn't notice.
 
#21 ·
This seems like a rhetorical question. LOL.
Some of my best relationships had sex daily or every other day. I was with a woman once that had an insatiable sex drive. I never thought it was possible to have too much sex until her. I literally got bored of sex after a while thinking "can't we have a little downtime once in a while?" Now I kind of understand how the LD feels in a relationship. All things considered, I still appreciated it

Anywho... it seems to have only a positive impact on the relationship based on my experience. It's hard to be fighting with someone you want to be having sex with, or are having sex with. Also, I think sometimes people feel taken for granted when their SO doesn't want them enough. There is always flirting and a sense of being wanted, and you always look forward to being with them. You also don't need to discuss you relationship as much as actions are speaking instead of words.
 
#22 ·
We went from once a week/every other week sometimes to every other day. This occurred because the last kid moved out in October. The increased intimacy has led to a more loving relationship, and what we are referring to as a honeymoon period. It all just sort of happened. We just fell back into our frequency and duration that we had before kids (and/or trying to make kids). I do not know how long this will last. I hope it lasts until the day I die. We are in the best physical shapes of our lives and we are acting like a couple of horny teenagers, only we are in our 60's and the next morning, I sound like a bowl of Rice Krispies (my bones and joints go SNAP CRACKLE POP)
 
#33 ·
Sex 101. Sex releases the hormone Oxytocin, sometimes called the cuddle hormone. Its purpose is to emotionally bond the couple together. Therefore more sex means a deeper emotional bonding. This is why sex is so important in a marriage. Oxytocin is the same hormone that bonds a mother to a child.
 
#38 ·
Probably not 30,000 steps; more like 8-9 miles for the day. The Hirshhorn was mixed - some stuff we thought didn't qualify as art, yet other stuff was truly sublime. The collection has many pieces from artists the philanthropist supported, and he supported a wide range of things. The buildings it's in were interesting, though. I'm 62, so not much older - and we did take breaks to rest and refuel, and she'd take a long soak in the Jacuzzi before going out for dinner. Perhaps our priorities are just different.
 
#39 ·
Actually, I'd say he probably initiates more than I do.
There are many times when it's a mutual initiation though.
He just did, 2 nights ago: ) It was a really good night.
Then last night, we were getting in bed later than usual and I brushed his suggestive comments aside...BUT the good news is that I am becoming more aware of how I do that. I do it a lot, I am noticing.

For example, he was already in bed as I was getting into my pajamas and I said I still need to turn the light off- which means I have to walk across the room- he mentioned something about me doing it topless, so I did, but kept my back to him, being shy, but playful about it.
Then he said to just be aggressive. I asked him what that looks like to him and he flat out said it looks like a blow job, lol! I laughed and then that was that...we kissed goodnight and I am right now realizing that was probably him wanting another night of steamy pleasure, like the previous night...but I totally wrote it off. Damn.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am in such a habit of listening with one ear when he starts making sexual comments. Not because I am against being sexual though...I don't know why?
I always take what he says with a grain of salt because, now that I really think about it, he does flirt a lot and make suggestive comments, so I suppose I am in the habit of just playing it off..never fully dismissing him though.
I flirt back, but I don't consciously see those things as his way of telling me he is interested in being sexual with me...sometimes it's not that, it's justvflirting mid-day, which is good! I like that too: )

Anyway, I think talking about it doesn't arouse me the way touching me does. It *can* if he does it in a really sensual way...especially if he is also looking at me at the same time, like wants to devour me; )

Normally, talking is fun and playful, but it doesn't get me going like a soft touch on my thigh or him slowly kissing my neck would.
I guess, too often, his words fall on deaf ears...yikes. That sounds terrible!
 
#42 ·
Do you ever just want it? Are you afraid to have those feelings? Primal ones? I think you would be better served to develop those feelings in yourself (for him). Then trying to read all his signals. I am sure he would greatly appreciate this. Ever think of letting yourself go to them with him. I mean he is your husband, if you can't do that with him who can you do it with. Do you tell him what you want? Or better yet do you demand what you want? Try it sometime.
 
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#46 ·
I have been honest with my husband before about when I am truly tired. At times, that is well before bedtime, if it's been a hectic day...NOT because I didn't want sex though! Never thought he might relate the two.
Recently I started becoming aware of the fact that he seemed deflated if I said it..so I decided I'd let him know that even though I am tired, it doesn't mean I am *too tired* for action: ) He seems to like that confirmation.

I DO feel the need for him sexually on my own at times, yes. Usually for a good 5 days or so around ovulation and again a few days leading up to my period....and also during my period sometimes.
Other than that, I don't really feel a big natural drive for it.
BUT, if he gets me started, I am always happy and enthusiastic about connecting.

One reason I hesitate to initiate for myself is that, the few times that I have, he has not stayed fully hard. (We're both 39, but this has happened over the course of a few years..no health issues.)
I noticed that almost every time I try to initiate, things go downhill during, for whatever reason.
I try to act cool about it and make it a non-issue, but inside I'm thinking, ****! He must really not be comfortable with me starting it off. Also, I figure that, since he obviously HAS to be hard to have actual sex, I'll just wait until he comes to me for it next time.
Only he knows when he is really ready.
Even if I am not 'ready' per se, I can still accomodate him...if HE'S not ready, then no sex is happening. So I feel it's up to him, for the most part.

In those instances, when things don't go as we hoped, we've moved on to other things that didn't involve penetration, but to be honest, I would rather end the session after I see he isn't into it. He tries to be into it still and I know he's probably a little embarrassed when it happens, and I get it.
But in my head I am thinking, hmm, I must not be doing it for him right now, which kills my arousal....and my drive to initiate again.
 
#49 ·
Only he knows when he is really ready.
Even if I am not 'ready' per se, I can still accomodate him...if HE'S not ready, then no sex is happening. So I feel it's up to him, for the most part.
@Angeline you should spend some time discussing this exact topic with your husband. I think the two of you (particularly him) may be struggling with goal-driven sex in that he feels compelled to have an orgasm each time.

While many people like to think that man are ready to go at the drop of a hat, we are not. We only appear that way because we have been wanting and thinking about it for a day or more in a way that cultivates enough sexual energy that lovemaking can happen instantaneously and an orgasm will be imminent regardless of how we are stimulated. If you approach your husband while he is not in this state, it would be easy for him to get some performance anxiety as he discovers reaching his own climax is not effortless and now requires some finesse which can easy throw him off his game and make him feel very self conscious (resulting in loss of erection).

So what you should try with your husband is to initiate lovemaking for the goal of NOT having an orgasm. If you are aroused and want to have one, be playful about this challenge with him. Let him try and make you fail at this challenge, and likewise you can do the same for him. This will do a multitude of things. #1 it will shift focus on a stronger emotional connection during lovemaking. #2 your husband will no longer have any anxiety about feeling compelled to reach his orgasm. #3 your husband will enjoy feeling your body respond to his and he will enjoy being playful to make you "fail" this challenge (same vice versa). #4 if you don't have orgasms you likely really enjoyed bonding and have started cultivating sexual energy to make the next time even more enjoyable. #5 if one or both of you fails this challenge and has an orgasm, well then that makes "failure" into something fun and enjoyable as opposed to something that will leave you feeling self conscious or sad.

You should also discuss with your husband the idea of each of you learning to enjoy a one-sided experience. This is where one person admits up front that while they are not exactly in the mood that he/she would still enjoy pleasing the other. This will drastically change the dynamics of lovemaking, because both of you will understand that both of you are focused on making the experience the best it can be just for one of you, and you can BOTH work together to accomplish exactly that. Sometimes these experiences are beyond what can be imagined because the person in the mood does not have to preoccupy themselves with their partner and can enjoy selfish pleasure, and their partner giving pleasure will can actually end up enjoying this just as much if not more than the one receiving (sounds strange, but there is happiness in making your partner happy). It takes a lot of work on one's self confidence to learn to enjoy being the receiver of this pleasure as you have to feel you are worth it, but this is an area of self development that will take you places!

Hope that helps,
Badsanta
 
#47 ·
Also, to answer a few other questions..I do not often tell him what I want. I am afraid of how that feels.
During sex, I show him what I like and he goes with it..but anytime I talk about something, it just gets nowhere.
Example...We figured out a way for me to orgasm during oral, (which I could NEVER do before,) so I have brought it up a few times since it happened but nothing.
Going down on me is a rare thing here:(
And I am clean and neatly taken care of down there.
Might be a power thing. Ugh.
Could be why I laugh off the bj comments.
 
#51 ·
This is very unfortunate and new information.

It sounds like you are trying your best to do what he wants but he is not reciprocating. If you enjoy him giving you oral, he should be doing it frequently - since I assume you are willing to do the same for him.

He doesn't know how lucky he is. My wife finds it almost impossible to tell me what she wants, so every time is a guessing game - I do something and she either lets me continue or tells me to stop. Turns into a endless series of little rejections.
 
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