Do some men use porn to relieve an erection? - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #136 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 06:32 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

@Lizzyb

I want to ask you a question out of curiosity. You do not have to answer, but something to think about. There are three psychological modes of sex: sensation focused, partner engagement, and role play. With sensation focused sex one generally reflects inwards and enjoys how their body responds to a sexual experience, it is essentially an "eyes-closed" mode of sexual enjoyment. Partner engagement involves one enjoying the dynamics of how a partner responds sexually. Role play is an "eyes wide open" mode of sexuality where one enjoys acting out a fantasy which often includes pretending to be other people.

Which mode of sexuality do you think your partner experiences while watching porn?

Thinking about this may also give you insight as to why some men may require porn in order to masturbate when their partner is unavailable for whatever reason. This may also give you some insight into ways you can make sex more enjoyable for your partner.

Regards,
Badsanta
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post #137 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:02 PM Thread Starter
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@Lizzyb

I want to ask you a question out of curiosity. You do not have to answer, but something to think about. There are three psychological modes of sex: sensation focused, partner engagement, and role play. With sensation focused sex one generally reflects inwards and enjoys how their body responds to a sexual experience, it is essentially an "eyes-closed" mode of sexual enjoyment. Partner engagement involves one enjoying the dynamics of how a partner responds sexually. Role play is an "eyes wide open" mode of sexuality where one enjoys acting out a fantasy which often includes pretending to be other people.

Which mode of sexuality do you think your partner experiences while watching porn?

Thinking about this may also give you insight as to why some men may require porn in order to masturbate when their partner is unavailable for whatever reason. This may also give you some insight into ways you can make sex more enjoyable for your partner.

Regards,
Badsanta
My partner is definitely partner engagement and I am sensation focused.
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post #138 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:14 AM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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My partner is definitely partner engagement and I am sensation focused.
If that is the case, you do not have to increase the variety of things you offer him sexually. It is very likely that you can just focus to make more of an effort to increase the types of feedback you give to him during lovemaking. This feedback can be both verbal and/or nonverbal. You should talk to him about that and see if that is an area the two of you can work together to make your relationship more meaningful to each other.

You may also need to explain to him that you may not want/need the same from him, that instead you may enjoy him helping to place you into a state of relaxed meditation and exploring the ideas of increasing and/or being creative with how and where he touches you.

A unique way that you can create the dynamics of your relationship for him to explore alone when you are not available would be to try the following idea. Give him a jar of coconut oil. Ask him to explore the sensations of how it feels to use it on himself as if he were to be placing it on you. This will allow him to explore your mode of sexuality indirectly through his fantasy of imagining how you would respond to his touch while he experiences what you might feel. All you need to do is tell him you are very excited to try this with him, but that you want him to try and experiment a little on his own first so that he can become familiar with how coconut oil enhances the sensations of touch. (Odds are he would find that more exciting than porn, because the idea of you being receptive to him with something that provides a little extra stimulation has been given to him) This also should improve his curiosity towards helping you explore more sensations that should be simple and enjoyable as a couple. Curiosity is the heart of desire. You asking him to explore something new with you is the heart of acceptance.

Regards,
Badsanta
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post #139 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:23 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
My partner is definitely partner engagement and I am sensation focused.
If that is the case, you do not have to increase the variety of things you offer him sexually. It is very likely that you can just focus to make more of an effort to increase the types of feedback you give to him during lovemaking. This feedback can be both verbal and/or nonverbal. You should talk to him about that and see if that is an area the two of you can work together to make your relationship more meaningful to each other.

You may also need to explain to him that you may not want/need the same from him, that instead you may enjoy him helping to place you into a state of relaxed meditation and exploring the ideas of increasing and/or being creative with how and where he touches you.

A unique way that you can create the dynamics of your relationship for him to explore alone when you are not available would be to try the following idea. Give him a jar of coconut oil. Ask him to explore the sensations of how it feels to use it on himself as if he were to be placing it on you. This will allow him to explore your mode of sexuality indirectly through his fantasy of imagining how you would respond to his touch while he experiences what you might feel. All you need to do is tell him you are very excited to try this with him, but that you want him to try and experiment a little on his own first so that he can become familiar with how coconut oil enhances the sensations of touch. (Odds are he would find that more exciting than porn, because the idea of you being receptive to him with something that provides a little extra stimulation has been given to him) This also should improve his curiosity towards helping you explore more sensations that should be simple and enjoyable as a couple. Curiosity is the heart of desire. You asking him to explore something new with you is the heart of acceptance.

Regards,
Badsanta
Great idea! I have mentioned to him that I focus on the feeling and how I would like him to try that. He was able to step out of his comfort zone last night and even initiated all on his own, we were in bed and he was able to masturbate while I kissed him and he was able to just hold me. He said it was very erotic and the best masturbation he has had but still prefers sex. I'm just glad he got out of his comfort zone to explore different ways to masturbate without porn
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post #140 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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I'm just glad he got out of his comfort zone to explore different ways to masturbate without porn
If he shared that experience with you, it sounds like you have all the key ingredients needed to really build a meaningful relationship.

Do not shame him for porn, but do continue to help him to find ways that can be more enjoyable without it and try to keep him open and honest about the two of you working together on that topic.



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post #141 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:24 AM Thread Starter
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Update: we talked yesterday and I wanted to know if he had some other desires because of his goo girls search. Well I'm glad I asked. He said he was trying to figure out search terms that would not be obvious in case I saw. He figured vivid video, bang bros and goo girls wouldnt be obvious. I was wondering why he searched that since his searches before were always graphic. He said that it was difficult to find something that interested him in the goo girls and I sorta wondered about that when I did the search. The women are not the most attractive. He was able to find a few of course that worked for him, I guess thats how you can put or lol I was curious about what the images were and he showed me. I feel better seeing them because 1 they were not very desirable but it was a sex image and 2 the bodies were simular to mine. I think my insecurity is that he was married to a large woman. She was close to 300 lbs. Me I'm 5'5" 120 lbs I have curves and my cup size is a full B where his ex was huge. My bra size in proportion to my body. So seeing that he prefers more like my body type makes me feel better plus seeing that the images were basically images for the sex act because the women were not drop dead gorgeous, yes they had nice bodies but I think since they were similar to mine and he can have mine in real life that's a no brainer.
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post #142 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:30 PM Thread Starter
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Something else he said about how he feels guilty for masturbating since he was taught in the church it was wrong along with porn. I told him he shouldn't feel ashamed at all. I told him he should never feel embarrassed with me and that I love him. He knows that I always say to do everything without guilt if you feel you want to do then own it. He said he doesnt want me to watch porn or to be ok with it he said he would look at me different because it's supposed to go against my moral compass. He wants me to have high morals that's one thing that attracted him to me. Its a struggle he has
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post #143 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:45 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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Something else he said about how he feels guilty for masturbating since he was taught in the church it was wrong along with porn. I told him he shouldn't feel ashamed at all. I told him he should never feel embarrassed with me and that I love him. He knows that I always say to do everything without guilt if you feel you want to do then own it. He said he doesnt want me to watch porn or to be ok with it he said he would look at me different because it's supposed to go against my moral compass. He wants me to have high morals that's one thing that attracted him to me. Its a struggle he has
My husband was like this too because of his religious upbringing. We were married for 20 years before he could masturbate in front of me - but thinking back that was a positive turning point. Masturbating together exorcised those feelings of shame (as wells as being very hot).
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post #144 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 04:07 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
Something else he said about how he feels guilty for masturbating since he was taught in the church it was wrong along with porn. I told him he shouldn't feel ashamed at all. I told him he should never feel embarrassed with me and that I love him. He knows that I always say to do everything without guilt if you feel you want to do then own it. He said he doesnt want me to watch porn or to be ok with it he said he would look at me different because it's supposed to go against my moral compass. He wants me to have high morals that's one thing that attracted him to me. Its a struggle he has
My husband was like this too because of his religious upbringing. We were married for 20 years before he could masturbate in front of me - but thinking back that was a positive turning point. Masturbating together exorcised those feelings of shame (as wells as being very hot).
Yes he really enjoyed it! Now I need to step out of my comfort zone and try it lol
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post #145 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 04:42 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

One of the issues with porn is that it is tied in with masturbation which is considered shameful for some reason. That makes it even more likely that people will lie about it when there is no real reason to.
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post #146 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:29 PM Thread Starter
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One of the issues with porn is that it is tied in with masturbation which is considered shameful for some reason. That makes it even more likely that people will lie about it when there is no real reason to.
Right at first he thought my issue was with him masturbating more than the porn. It to awhile to explain masturbation is normal and healthy. That's how he was able to yesterday with me. Its a step in the right direction. He's stI'll talking about how stimulating it was and way better than doing it to porn
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post #147 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:01 AM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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Right at first he thought my issue was with him masturbating more than the porn. It to awhile to explain masturbation is normal and healthy. That's how he was able to yesterday with me. Its a step in the right direction. He's stI'll talking about how stimulating it was and way better than doing it to porn
Glad to hear the training is going well. Does he salivate when the door bell rings?
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post #148 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 04:50 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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Glad to hear the training is going well. Does he salivate when the door bell rings?
@stixx assuming your comment was meant to be sarcastic, I think you should try and widen your horizon of understanding on the topic and try to imagine a wife that could share a level of intimacy with you that naturally made porn rather boring, even if you could watch it as much as your heart desired.

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post #149 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 04:58 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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Right at first he thought my issue was with him masturbating more than the porn. It to awhile to explain masturbation is normal and healthy. That's how he was able to yesterday with me. Its a step in the right direction. He's stI'll talking about how stimulating it was and way better than doing it to porn
You still have to be brave and masturbate for him!

For him that level of intimacy (if you have never done that with anyone ever before) will demonstrate the idea that masturbation within the context of a loving relationship can be rather extraordinary for both of you!

Regards,
Badsanta
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post #150 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 05:40 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
Right at first he thought my issue was with him masturbating more than the porn. It to awhile to explain masturbation is normal and healthy. That's how he was able to yesterday with me. Its a step in the right direction. He's stI'll talking about how stimulating it was and way better than doing it to porn

You still have to be brave and masturbate for him!

For him that level of intimacy (if you have never done that with anyone ever before) will demonstrate the idea that masturbation within the context of a loving relationship can be rather extraordinary for both of you!

Regards,
Badsanta
I agree! I will definitely do it soon, he was able to for me and I need to do it for him
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