Do some men use porn to relieve an erection? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:51 PM Thread Starter
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[QUOTE=Lizzyb;17619721]
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Originally Posted by FORTIFIEDORANGE View Post
Men need visual stimulation, also men have poor visual memory compared to many women, women have better visual memories on average. So this combination means men need something to look at.

An idea that you could do, but has risks (hackers and all this crap these days) would be to make a video with him or send him nudes. Again, that might be out of your comfort zones. However for me personally, i only used porn as a way to visualize more, i almost always think about my wife when masturbating, i could be the one weird guy that is this way or it could be more normal than that. There is also a possibility that since you do have sex a lot he likes to have more of an adventure and look at something different. Everyone gets wandering eyes at times and as long as it stays within fantassy land and not acted upon it is ok. This is something we all have to cope with, some people are more likely to wander their eyes than others.


Women read erotic novels, or erotic writing or just have creative minds and think of dirty things, men like to see stuff. I have a very vivid memory and i usually think of my wife. When she shuts me d own from sex because i am like a rabbit who needs it like twice a day, i sometimes get frustrated and watch porn because i am frustrated with my wife and can't th ink about her. This doesn't mean i dont love her or don't want to be with her.

I wouldn't really worry about it though, men use porn, women use vibrators, we all have our things we need.


As for getting rid of an erection, pretty sure that was just an excuse. Porn watching takes longer than just rubbing one out. If i am horny enough to have an erection i can't get rid of, then i can get off pretty easily. usually porn is used when i am horny but not horny enough so to speak. IT's more like a catalyst than a fuel.
I am very open to taking photos or videos and we have talked about that. That is one way we agreed if we were apart for a few nights that we could use that or even just phone sex. He also said if I was gone for an evening then I can tell him a time I wil be home and let him know that when I get home we can have sex that would also work.
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post #17 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:36 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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Which they have absolutely no right to impose on others.

Realistically she has only 2 options

1- Accept his porn use
2- End the relationship
Yes and he has two choices as well.

1. Stop using porn
2. Have his girlfriend break up with him.



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post #18 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:37 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

@Lizzyb generally speaking men are creatures of habit. If your husband used porn when he was young, he likely enjoyed it AND hid any behavior associated with it from his parents (likely because they forbid any porn in the house). The prospects of getting "caught" with porn actually makes it way more exciting.

So what has changed? Your husband still likes using porn and being extremely discrete about it. Meanwhile you may have not intended it this way, but by forbidding it in your relationship it recreates a scenario to where your husband remains a creature of habit based on his preexisting behaviors long before he met you.

So how do you change that? You have to take away any shame associated with porn. That is not the same as tolerating porn, but more about acknowledging that your partner is not perfect and that you still love and accept him despite his flaws. You seem to be very caring and nurturing towards his libido which is a wonderful thing, so continue encouraging him to embrace that aspect of your relationship as opposed to turning to porn.

The fact that your partner would "need" porn in order to masturbate is an area of concern! Yes porn will enhance masturbation, but he should be just fine without it. This does demonstrate that he needs some source of extra stimulation when you are not available or for what ever reason that he does not feel confident enough to ask you. Be very careful about taking nude photos or videos for him as technology is very complicated with regards to privacy, backups, and cloud storage these days. So if he needs a little "something" to enjoy during his moments alone, talk to him and try to see if there is something that he might enjoy other than porn. Perhaps you could buy him some "tenga eggs" and just tell him to enjoy thinking of you wanting him to be happy since you purchased them for him.

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post #19 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:38 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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Yes and he has two choices as well.

1. Stop using porn
2. Have his girlfriend break up with him.
No, and this is where your argument completely fails.

He has a third choice, and he has taken it.
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post #20 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:40 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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No, and this is where your argument completely fails.

He has a third choice, and he has taken it.
I'm sorry, what was this third choice? I missed it.

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post #21 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:50 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

Lots of wildly varying opinions on porn.

Mine is that watching porn is fine as long as it doesn't interfere with one's sex life. Its not fine, if it does interfere.

Some men use porn as a masturbation aid, sort of the way a woman might use a vibrator. For them it makes it quicker to get off - so it could be used to "take care of" an erection.


OP, only you know how important this is to you. I would suggest that you consider carefully how much it matters - this is the sort of thing that could blow up into a huge problem. If your sex life is good, and he is usually sexually available for you, does it matter if he turns to porn at times when you are not available for sex with him?

If you press the issue, he may hide it - causing future blow-ups when you find out. He may also feel that you are trying to control something that he considers private - the way you would feel if he ordered you to stop masturbating.

Again if it matters enough, it is your choice, but its the sort of conflict that can destroy relationships.

You both have choices, but one set of choices leads to the relationship ending. Is it really worth that?
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post #22 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 06:50 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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I'm sorry, what was this third choice? I missed it.
He uses porn and lies about it.
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post #23 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 07:01 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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He uses porn and lies about it.
Very stupid move on his part if he does this. This is what my Dh did and he has destroyed so many things in our marriage with his lies and has threatened our children happiness , broke my heart and has put a heavy strain on our marriage . With his need to watch porn, he not only destroyed my opinion of him, but he has risked our marriage and put our family on the line.

How do I tell my kids their dad is selfish and did not care who was going to suffer the consequences of his lies, and actions because at the end of the day it's our kids that are going to pay.

So no, I don't think lying is a Viable option.



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post #24 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 07:06 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Lots of wildly varying opinions on porn.

Mine is that watching porn is fine as long as it doesn't interfere with one's sex life. Its not fine, if it does interfere.

Some men use porn as a masturbation aid, sort of the way a woman might use a vibrator. For them it makes it quicker to get off - so it could be used to "take care of" an erection.


OP, only you know how important this is to you. I would suggest that you consider carefully how much it matters - this is the sort of thing that could blow up into a huge problem. If your sex life is good, and he is usually sexually available for you, does it matter if he turns to porn at times when you are not available for sex with him?

If you press the issue, he may hide it - causing future blow-ups when you find out. He may also feel that you are trying to control something that he considers private - the way you would feel if he ordered you to stop masturbating.

Again if it matters enough, it is your choice, but its the sort of conflict that can destroy relationships.

You both have choices, but one set of choices leads to the relationship ending. Is it really worth that?
I love your response! I never made him feel bad for masturbating which he greatly appreciated and said that he has never been able to open about it with anyone so it was very liberating for him. He said he isn't embarrassed now and that he feels being able to talk openly like this just brings us closer. He is willing to work with me throught this and just felt that he could not ask me to have sex before I left for the wedding reception. Knowing now that he can come to me when the urge arises he said he will definitely go that route now.
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post #25 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 07:11 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisy12 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adiron View Post
He uses porn and lies about it.
Very stupid move on his part if he does this. This is what my Dh did and he has destroyed so many things in our marriage with his lies and has threatened our children happiness , broke my heart and has put a heavy strain on our marriage . With his need to watch porn, he not only destroyed my opinion of him, but he has risked our marriage and put our family on the line.

How do I tell my kids their dad is selfish and did not care who was going to suffer the consequences of his lies, and actions because at the end of the day it's our kids that are going to pay.

So no, I don't think lying is a Viable option.



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I'm so sorry this happened to you. I doc feel that all men are not equal. They don't all have the same behaviors or thoughts and they do not all think alike. If that were the case the same would apply to women, some like porn and sex toys, I do not, but I have friends that do. Some men are selfish and can't ever put anyone above themselves. Those are the ones that should stay single it's not fair to the women the women they get involved with or the children they father. I have known lots of men who when caught act like no big deal we just have to deal with it and then the ones who actually want to work through and actually agonize over it. They want to do what is right for the relationship. Hold out for a man like the latter
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post #26 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 10:09 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

Some? I think it may be a majority. Masturbating to porn has been blamed for the decline of sex millennials have compared to us old times who had no internet.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.
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post #27 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 09:03 AM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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The duration of my relationship with my SO is close to a year now and during this time I have found porn 3 times. We have an active sex life and I never turn him down. We have sex if not every other day then at least every 3 days. The 2nd time I found it I felt I needed to confront him since this was something I have never wanted in my relationship and I felt I might not have been clear. We talked and he said that he used it only because at that time we were visiting at my moms for a week and he had woke up turned on and then my mom walked in the room so he couldnt approach me for sex. Therefore he went to shower and that is when he used it. He promised he didn't have a problem with porn and he wouldn't use it again. Well 5 months later I find it again. I was getting ready to go to a wedding reception without him and then I decided I wanted a quick nap before. He said I could come and lay down nude and nap with him and I said no ill put my nightie on. I had no idea that was his way of trying to get me into bed for sex so I didn't get the hint and fell asleep. He said watching me getting ready and the dress I wore was low cut and sexy so he became aroused. So when I left he said he contemplated on not masteubatin and waiting for me but then the urge was intense and he didn't know if I would be home that night he figured not till early morning since I like to stay out and party. I asked why he had to use porn couldn't he do it without and his answer was it speeds up the process. According to the history it was about 15 min after I left and he only viewed it for 10 or so min. I obviously realize he isn't an avid porn user but is his answer valid? He seemed to think I had a problem with masturbation and I have gently explained that I'm fine with it that it's the porn I have an issue with. He grew up LDS so he was taught masturbation is shameful and he should feel dirty. I told jl to never feel that way and that it's ok if the time calls for it. But I also made him aware I will always satisfy his urge at any moment. He says he doesn't like to bother me that he feels selfish and he never wants me to feel used. We have kept the communication open since this happened last week and he says he feels closer to me knowing he can talk about the most embarrassing things and I don't look at him differently. He said I am making him a better person. He had a bad marriage before and used porn to relieve himself since they never had sex towards the end. Little personal info he is 50 and I am 41 both of us are in great shape and I always take care of my appearance. Just need some input since it is hard for me to undestand and I want to feel ok about his reason . Thanks in advance


From the responses you've received so far, you can tell that there's a wide range of opinions when it comes to porn use. Here's a question to help gain another perspective. Are there any sexual activities that he's approached you with that you do not feel comfortable doing? Some examples could be role playing, anal sex, light BDSM, 3 way sex, etc. Has he asked for this more than once? I bring this up because it may indicate that he has a fetish or otherwise intense interest in a certain type of sexual activity. Please let me be clear that you should never do anything you don't feel comfortable doing, but if those needs/intense wants of his are not being fulfilled, he may be using porn on a limited basis to relieve his interests in those areas. The fact that he spends most of his sexual energy on you (where it belongs) shows that he has his head on straight about how often he turns to porn. If this is the case, my opinion is that the limited porn use is a good thing because he has found a way to relieve those few desires that you don't AND remain faithful in your relationship. Again, if this is the case, in his mind he has already compromised because instead of making you do something that you don't want to do, he turned to porn to meet those needs those few times. He'd rather have done those things with you (else he wouldn't have asked) but the needs were still there after being refused. Cutting him off completely will eventually lead to some sort of resentment on his part, which could negatively impact other areas of your relationship.
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post #28 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 10:26 AM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

You need to be OK with you NOT being OK with porn

You need to be realistic about his desires for looking at naked women

He needs to be OK with you NOT being OK with porn

He needs to be realistic and honest with you about his porn use

Worst thing either you can do is promise or demand. It will fail within a week or so. Just be realistic.

Realistically many men will feel horny almost daily (sometimes several times a day).

The good part about porn use is that it means your husband is a very sexual person. The alternative is a man who is not so bothered about sexy things and can take or leave the sight of a naked woman. That would be quite boring to me. So...have lots of sex, make it different and fun, try lots of new things, be sexual even when you are not having sex (i.e teasing him throughout the day). Chances are porn will become boring very quickly. If you are having rocking sex where he makes you feel like a sex goddess, then the odd sneaky porn session will be no big deal. I have this inkling that many women hate porn because they are being sexually neglected, or they don't feel sexy enough.
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post #29 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 10:42 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
The duration of my relationship with my SO is close to a year now and during this time I have found porn 3 times. We have an active sex life and I never turn him down. We have sex if not every other day then at least every 3 days. The 2nd time I found it I felt I needed to confront him since this was something I have never wanted in my relationship and I felt I might not have been clear. We talked and he said that he used it only because at that time we were visiting at my moms for a week and he had woke up turned on and then my mom walked in the room so he couldnt approach me for sex. Therefore he went to shower and that is when he used it. He promised he didn't have a problem with porn and he wouldn't use it again. Well 5 months later I find it again. I was getting ready to go to a wedding reception without him and then I decided I wanted a quick nap before. He said I could come and lay down nude and nap with him and I said no ill put my nightie on. I had no idea that was his way of trying to get me into bed for sex so I didn't get the hint and fell asleep. He said watching me getting ready and the dress I wore was low cut and sexy so he became aroused. So when I left he said he contemplated on not masteubatin and waiting for me but then the urge was intense and he didn't know if I would be home that night he figured not till early morning since I like to stay out and party. I asked why he had to use porn couldn't he do it without and his answer was it speeds up the process. According to the history it was about 15 min after I left and he only viewed it for 10 or so min. I obviously realize he isn't an avid porn user but is his answer valid? He seemed to think I had a problem with masturbation and I have gently explained that I'm fine with it that it's the porn I have an issue with. He grew up LDS so he was taught masturbation is shameful and he should feel dirty. I told jl to never feel that way and that it's ok if the time calls for it. But I also made him aware I will always satisfy his urge at any moment. He says he doesn't like to bother me that he feels selfish and he never wants me to feel used. We have kept the communication open since this happened last week and he says he feels closer to me knowing he can talk about the most embarrassing things and I don't look at him differently. He said I am making him a better person. He had a bad marriage before and used porn to relieve himself since they never had sex towards the end. Little personal info he is 50 and I am 41 both of us are in great shape and I always take care of my appearance. Just need some input since it is hard for me to undestand and I want to feel ok about his reason . Thanks in advance


From the responses you've received so far, you can tell that there's a wide range of opinions when it comes to porn use. Here's a question to help gain another perspective. Are there any sexual activities that he's approached you with that you do not feel comfortable doing? Some examples could be role playing, anal sex, light BDSM, 3 way sex, etc. Has he asked for this more than once? I bring this up because it may indicate that he has a fetish or otherwise intense interest in a certain type of sexual activity. Please let me be clear that you should never do anything you don't feel comfortable doing, but if those needs/intense wants of his are not being fulfilled, he may be using porn on a limited basis to relieve his interests in those areas. The fact that he spends most of his sexual energy on you (where it belongs) shows that he has his head on straight about how often he turns to porn. If this is the case, my opinion is that the limited porn use is a good thing because he has found a way to relieve those few desires that you don't AND remain faithful in your relationship. Again, if this is the case, in his mind he has already compromised because instead of making you do something that you don't want to do, he turned to porn to meet those needs those few times. He'd rather have done those things with you (else he wouldn't have asked) but the needs were still there after being refused. Cutting him off completely will eventually lead to some sort of resentment on his part, which could negatively impact other areas of your relationship.
It's interesting that you bring this up because right before this incident happened I had asked him if your sex us too routine and if we need to experiment at all. His reply was absolutely no that he likes it being a routine and how he has no desire to incorporate anything else. When I say routine I mean it's very rourine every time and I was kinda wanting to switch it up a bit. He is open to me wanting to get out of our comfort zone but he himself has no ideas on how to do that. So I dot think he has a fetish or a fantasy to fulfill
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post #30 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 10:55 AM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

He's going to occasionally use porn, and doesn't really think it's a problem. And for him, it isn't. No doubt he thinks your hard boundary is unrealistic, and you'll get over it. If you really are serious about it, then you really have no choice other than breaking up with him and hope to find someone who will not only agree with you, but honor your boundaries. He won't respect your limits, no matter what he says, because he thinks they're irrational. He doesn't see the need to break up with you over it because he can just ignore you on this issue. If it's an occasional thing and doesn't affect your sex life, then I agree with him even though I think he should just be honest about it. (That may be difficult for him given how he was indoctrinated in his views of sex.)

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