Do some men use porn to relieve an erection? - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #61 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:54 AM Thread Starter
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I've always thought openly flirting is an announcement to the world that you don't respect your spouse and are available for sex with other men (or women). That's certainly what I think when other men's wives do it to me.

Exactly. And it's not something we don't do in a marriage and are proud of it, or expect our partners to be thankful. This part of OP's post was concerning to me. Like not flirting is for the sake of her husband and should be lauded, and he should be happy about that. Like it takes some kind of control to not do this. Anyway.

If I somehow found out one of my friends wives (or my own) likes watching porn, so what?

Porn, or masturbation, or reading erotic or romance novels and imagining yourself in those scenarios (in the case of romance novels) on the other hand is something you do privately and is ultimately not disrespecting your partner.
Ah, but it is, if the person who is against it views it that way. It's not black and white, and it's all about one's own perception, and ultimately opinion. Telling the OP she shouldn't feel this way is wrong, IMO. She's absolutely allowed to, even if she doesn't have a specific reason she can verbalize.

But suggesting to the OP that she has the ability to view this from another perspective is another thing. I believe she can, if she chooses to. As I said, this seems to be about her feeling inadequate, and replaced - even though it's only occurring when she's not available and/or has turned her husband down.

But it's a slippery slope. She has no problem with masturbation - probably does it herself. She has a problem with the visual stimulation he's getting while doing so. He's watching other people who are not his wife, naked, having sex/masturbating/whatever. I GET that. I don't particularly enjoy imagining my wife masturbating to some ripped dude's 9" monster penis, either. It makes me feel inadequate. Therefore, it's about me. And this is where OP (and really anybody) can change their train of thought, especially when it comes to this subject. Like I said, if she hypothetically watched porn and it was 'normal', average, everyday couples having sex, I wouldn't feel inadequate or replaced (unless she was turning me down sexually, then doing this, of course).

But when she masturbates, what does she think of? My ex wife asked me this loaded question many years ago. It's the "do I look fat in this?" of sex questions. Tell her what she wants to hear, she won't believe you. Tell her the truth, she's furious. Aaaargh.

But if OP, or any other man or woman here, only ever thinks of their spouse while they masturbate, they're almost certainly lying.

Furthermore, and I may be in the minority here, I genuinely don't know - but when I do watch porn, I don't actually imagine myself with that person. Maybe some do, I don't know. There's a disconnect. I'm visually stimulated by the act I'm watching, not actually visualizing myself having sex with that person. However, when I masturbate using my imagination, I DO visualize things, and they most often - but not always - involve my wife. So the irony is that I'm more likely to let my mind wander to something/somebody other than my wife when I'm NOT watching porn.
Your last paragraph, that's exactly how he described it. He said he is not thinking about the people or imagining he is with them it's just an aid a visual aid. The act itself is what is enticing but they have to be at least attractive and in some instances he said it could be sex with privates covered or faceless people even it just depends. It's so weird to me since when I masturbate I only focus on the feeling and I use no toys I don't require any help I just need my own touch.
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post #62 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 01:29 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

When I watch porn it is just visual stimulation / fantasy. Not only don't I want to actually have sex with the people on the screen, often I don't even want to engage in the actions shown on the screen. I like hard bdsm bondage and rape fantasy porn. But last time my wife and I had sex I accidentally slipped and landed on her knee, hurting it. I felt terrible, and it basically ended things for the evening. I like the *fantasy* of whips and chains and such, but don't want to actually ever hurt someone in real life. (nor would I enjoy that type of porn if I didn't know that it was play acting or being done by people who do enjoy this sort of thing).

I may have a *fantasy* of being used as a sex slave of the Icelandic women's beach volleyball team but that doesn't mean I want it to happen.

Your husbands searches imply that he is into the fantasy aggressive male-dominant sex. That doesn't mean he *wants* do do those things, is just a fantasy. You might enjoy playing to those fantasies, you may not.



There are a number of straight women who have described enjoying lesbian porn. They don't want to have sex with another woman, they just enjoy watching it.

I'd think of it like watching movies. I don't want to be an assassin, secret agent, rock star, etc. I really don't even if I could.






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@alexm I'm learning that some men need visual stimulation where some can use imagination. When I asked him he said if he used his imagination it would have taken longer and he just wanted to hurry up.

You hit the nail on the head that's how I am feeling, inadequate and its a horrible feeling. I'm not sure if I were to see exactly what he saw if that would make me feel better. I know what he searched for and he only had image searches he didn't say he went to a particular website and according to the history it on my shows Google Image search for bang bros and goo girls. So not really sure what he his actual target was. I asked him to show me but he does not want me to have that image in my head. The other time I found it his searches were a little concerning but we never talked about it, I just told him I knew and he said it wouldn't happen again and that was it. That was 5 months ago and the search was for big dicks, big cocks and big tits. Not sure what to make of all the keywords. I am not big chested just a full B so that was a little insulting. His ex wife was though. But he left her so it isn't like he wants her back.

When I presented us making a video he said no that if he were to see himself he would be tyrned off thinking he looks like a whale next to me. He isn't fat just could lose a few pounds but he is insecure

I really appreciate your thought out response and it's helping my thought process. I do hope to maybe get more advice from you. Thank you
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post #63 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 01:42 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

A suggestion, then - find some porn you're okay with, or otherwise doesn't make you feel inadequate. Watch it, and then watch it with him. There is plenty of porn that is "for" women. Whether that means they're more female-centric, or the focus is on the woman being pleasured, or there's more 'romance', or they simply have more normal, average looking people in them - whatever.

I'm not exactly a porn historian, but I think sometime in the 70's is when filmed sex acts started to become more about dudes with huge cocks, women with fake breasts, etc.

You don't seem to have an issue with porn itself, so that's a good start. Unfortunately, a high percentage of porn available is designed for men. If you dig a little, there's likely some stuff out there that may actually appeal to you. You may be surprised to learn that your husband can just as easily get off to that stuff (with or without you) then anything else he may be used to watching.

And conversely, think about what you would search for and get off to, if you were the one who occasionally watched porn. Legitimate exercise. Many women have a thing for men with ripped muscles, swimmer's bodies, or are tall. That doesn't mean those are requirements in a sex partner or husband, but if you were to watch porn by yourself, it's highly likely that that's what would get you off. It's this societal 'ideal' that both genders have. Sexy women look like this, sexy men look like that. The vast majority of us look nothing like that, but we're able to see people like this whenever we want, theoretically. I imagine you'd do the same, if you were to have an interest or desire in watching porn.

Interesting that you've offered to make your own porn with your husband and he declined. He's obviously missing out, IMO, but hey, different strokes. If he's concerned about watching his own body like that, that's his prerogative. I wouldn't exactly want to watch my average 40-year-old naked body, either! But I sure as hell would want to watch myself screw the hell out of my wife


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@alexm I'm learning that some men need visual stimulation where some can use imagination. When I asked him he said if he used his imagination it would have taken longer and he just wanted to hurry up.

You hit the nail on the head that's how I am feeling, inadequate and its a horrible feeling. I'm not sure if I were to see exactly what he saw if that would make me feel better. I know what he searched for and he only had image searches he didn't say he went to a particular website and according to the history it on my shows Google Image search for bang bros and goo girls. So not really sure what he his actual target was. I asked him to show me but he does not want me to have that image in my head. The other time I found it his searches were a little concerning but we never talked about it, I just told him I knew and he said it wouldn't happen again and that was it. That was 5 months ago and the search was for big dicks, big cocks and big tits. Not sure what to make of all the keywords. I am not big chested just a full B so that was a little insulting. His ex wife was though. But he left her so it isn't like he wants her back.

When I presented us making a video he said no that if he were to see himself he would be tyrned off thinking he looks like a whale next to me. He isn't fat just could lose a few pounds but he is insecure

I really appreciate your thought out response and it's helping my thought process. I do hope to maybe get more advice from you. Thank you

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post #64 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:00 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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Your last paragraph, that's exactly how he described it. He said he is not thinking about the people or imagining he is with them it's just an aid a visual aid. The act itself is what is enticing but they have to be at least attractive and in some instances he said it could be sex with privates covered or faceless people even
Do you believe him? If he doesn't have to see their privates then why not just masturbate while watching a regular movie, doesn't even have to be R rated?
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post #65 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:27 PM Thread Starter
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Your last paragraph, that's exactly how he described it. He said he is not thinking about the people or imagining he is with them it's just an aid a visual aid. The act itself is what is enticing but they have to be at least attractive and in some instances he said it could be sex with privates covered or faceless people even
Do you believe him? If he doesn't have to see their privates then why not just masturbate while watching a regular movie, doesn't even have to be R rated?
I think I do believe him just because this was a habit in his previous marriage of 22 years and I understand habits and how you just go back to what you have always done without thinking. I also think that what may be a turn on today might not be the next. This last time he did it he needed nudity. Maybe at one time he didn't maybe it was just a sexy scene where the clothes weren't off yet. I think it is just the mood of the moment.
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post #66 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:36 PM Thread Starter
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A suggestion, then - find some porn you're okay with, or otherwise doesn't make you feel inadequate. Watch it, and then watch it with him. There is plenty of porn that is "for" women. Whether that means they're more female-centric, or the focus is on the woman being pleasured, or there's more 'romance', or they simply have more normal, average looking people in them - whatever.

I'm not exactly a porn historian, but I think sometime in the 70's is when filmed sex acts started to become more about dudes with huge cocks, women with fake breasts, etc.

You don't seem to have an issue with porn itself, so that's a good start. Unfortunately, a high percentage of porn available is designed for men. If you dig a little, there's likely some stuff out there that may actually appeal to you. You may be surprised to learn that your husband can just as easily get off to that stuff (with or without you) then anything else he may be used to watching.

And conversely, think about what you would search for and get off to, if you were the one who occasionally watched porn. Legitimate exercise. Many women have a thing for men with ripped muscles, swimmer's bodies, or are tall. That doesn't mean those are requirements in a sex partner or husband, but if you were to watch porn by yourself, it's highly likely that that's what would get you off. It's this societal 'ideal' that both genders have. Sexy women look like this, sexy men look like that. The vast majority of us look nothing like that, but we're able to see people like this whenever we want, theoretically. I imagine you'd do the same, if you were to have an interest or desire in watching porn.

Interesting that you've offered to make your own porn with your husband and he declined. He's obviously missing out, IMO, but hey, different strokes. If he's concerned about watching his own body like that, that's his prerogative. I wouldn't exactly want to watch my average 40-year-old naked body, either! But I sure as hell would want to watch myself screw the hell out of my wife


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@alexm I'm learning that some men need visual stimulation where some can use imagination. When I asked him he said if he used his imagination it would have taken longer and he just wanted to hurry up.

You hit the nail on the head that's how I am feeling, inadequate and its a horrible feeling. I'm not sure if I were to see exactly what he saw if that would make me feel better. I know what he searched for and he only had image searches he didn't say he went to a particular website and according to the history it on my shows Google Image search for bang bros and goo girls. So not really sure what he his actual target was. I asked him to show me but he does not want me to have that image in my head. The other time I found it his searches were a little concerning but we never talked about it, I just told him I knew and he said it wouldn't happen again and that was it. That was 5 months ago and the search was for big dicks, big cocks and big tits. Not sure what to make of all the keywords. I am not big chested just a full B so that was a little insulting. His ex wife was though. But he left her so it isn't like he wants her back.

When I presented us making a video he said no that if he were to see himself he would be tyrned off thinking he looks like a whale next to me. He isn't fat just could lose a few pounds but he is insecure

I really appreciate your thought out response and it's helping my thought process. I do hope to maybe get more advice from you. Thank you
I asked him if he wanted to watch some with me and he said no that if I am here he has no need for it. He never uses it to get turned on he said with me he uses it when he is turned on already and we can't have sex, such as the time people were in the house and then this last time when I left.

I have never felt a desire for porn and of course I just want to be enough for my man. However I did an experiment and took your advice and watched female friendly porn something that wasn't too distasteful for me let's just say solo male videos and I can see how they can have an impact on the libido. The man has to be attractive to me I didn't just pick whatever was first and when watching it I didn't desire the man. What was a turn on was just seeing the man pleasuring himself I guess. Just the act which I guess I can see that's how some men view it. I never once thought oh that man is so hot and I want to have him. It was a sensual feeling I guess and no thoughts in my head were about him or anyone for that matter it was just purely an excited feeling.
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post #67 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:44 PM Thread Starter
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[QUOTE=uhtred;17629969]

Your husbands searches imply that he is into the fantasy aggressive male-dominant sex. That doesn't mean he *wants* do do those things, is just a fantasy. You might enjoy playing to those fantasies, you may not

[QUOTE=uhtred;17629969]

I think you are on to something since he is not a dominant male at all and that could be something he fantasizes about being but not that he would ever take steps to be since that's just not him. He is a very gentle man that doesn't let anyone or thing ever really anger him. He is extremely low tempered and people could easily take advantage of him and he would allow it. Hmmmm this really is interesting
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post #68 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:58 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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I asked him if he wanted to watch some with me and he said no that if I am here he has no need for it. He never uses it to get turned on he said with me he uses it when he is turned on already and we can't have sex, such as the time people were in the house and then this last time when I left.

I have never felt a desire for porn and of course I just want to be enough for my man. However I did an experiment and took your advice and watched female friendly porn something that wasn't too distasteful for me let's just say solo male videos and I can see how they can have an impact on the libido. The man has to be attractive to me I didn't just pick whatever was first and when watching it I didn't desire the man. What was a turn on was just seeing the man pleasuring himself I guess. Just the act which I guess I can see that's how some men view it. I never once thought oh that man is so hot and I want to have him. It was a sensual feeling I guess and no thoughts in my head were about him or anyone for that matter it was just purely an excited feeling.
Oh, darn, you an addict now, haha. Now your husband will be starting a new thread, my wife is addicted to porn, please help. 😝
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post #69 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:18 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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I asked him if he wanted to watch some with me and he said no that if I am here he has no need for it. He never uses it to get turned on he said with me he uses it when he is turned on already and we can't have sex, such as the time people were in the house and then this last time when I left.

I have never felt a desire for porn and of course I just want to be enough for my man. However I did an experiment and took your advice and watched female friendly porn something that wasn't too distasteful for me let's just say solo male videos and I can see how they can have an impact on the libido. The man has to be attractive to me I didn't just pick whatever was first and when watching it I didn't desire the man. What was a turn on was just seeing the man pleasuring himself I guess. Just the act which I guess I can see that's how some men view it. I never once thought oh that man is so hot and I want to have him. It was a sensual feeling I guess and no thoughts in my head were about him or anyone for that matter it was just purely an excited feeling.
This is pretty much how I was able to get over the porn thing.

I watched a lot of porn, looked at a lot of categories particularly the things my husband liked until I saw if for what it was. Something I noticed fairly quickly was that most of the women either looked ordinary (not that much different to me) or they looked very OTT and fake (almost comedy porn women). There were a few that were seriously stunning, but most just ordinary. There were women of all different shapes, sizes and ages. Some of the porn was naff, a lot of it was boring, a lot of it was exaggerated and silly - really hard to take it seriously. Some of it was more sensuous and very erotic, tastefully filmed, almost artistic, gentle not predatory....and then I got it! I understood its attraction. Once I understand it, it stopped being threatening - it was never actually about me or my inadequacies, but about enjoying erotic images and what one person sees as arousing another silly, boring or weird.

I needed to experience it to understand it.
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post #70 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 05:08 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

OP, I too once felt the way you do about porn. My STBXH wasn't addicted to it, that I am aware of, but we did watch it together occasionally. It took a lot of persuasion on his part, and I think the reason being is because he was very pushy about sexuality. He was always trying to get me to be "comfortable" with things I was not comfortable with. Examples would be threesomes, swinging, me doing sexual favors for strange men while he watched, etc.. (and this is why he's my STBXH). My point here is this. You mentioned that you have recently tested the waters just a bit with porn, and found you enjoyed what you see. I am one of those women who enjoy lesbian porn, but I DO NOT want to have sex with a woman. Find what you like and stick with it. It may be that your husband will enjoy what you enjoy as well, and sometime in the future you can share it with each other.

I am in a new, long distance relationship with a wonderful man, who is much older than myself. We have not yet watched porn together, but we are very open and honest about our sexual needs and wants. He knows I like lesbian porn and I know what he likes. We share many photos and videos of each other via text, due mostly in part to the LDR. He asked to have more photos/videos of me because he loves me and wants to look at me while he pleases himself. This was a huge confidence boost for me, as I've struggled with confidence issues off and on for a long time. He doesn't want anyone but me and has made that blatantly obvious. He has told me he prefers to watch me to "rub one out" than porn. I love that. But, neither of us are opposed to porn. I used to dislike the idea of my ex watching porn, and for a long time refused to watch it with him. He never made me feel comfortable with my sexuality. My new man, he is the total opposite, and he boosts my confidence ten-fold. I have never felt more comfortable with a man than I do with him. It's funny, all it takes is being with the right partner. The one who listens, cares and respects you. It seems you do have this type of relationship with your husband, and I think this issue of porn is just a minor setback. A speed bump if you will. There are plenty of ways you can compromise to make this work for both of you. Just put in the effort and the rest will be smooth sailing. :-)

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post #71 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:18 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

That is awesome - I really mean it. You wanted to find out so you looked with an open mind. There are not a lot of people who are willing to challenge their own preconceived notions.

Whatever you end up think about this in the end, I think you did the right thing by trying to learn more.





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snip
However I did an experiment and took your advice and watched female friendly porn something that wasn't too distasteful for me let's just say solo male videos and I can see how they can have an impact on the libido. The man has to be attractive to me I didn't just pick whatever was first and when watching it I didn't desire the man. What was a turn on was just seeing the man pleasuring himself I guess. Just the act which I guess I can see that's how some men view it. I never once thought oh that man is so hot and I want to have him. It was a sensual feeling I guess and no thoughts in my head were about him or anyone for that matter it was just purely an excited feeling.
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post #72 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:21 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

Depending on how you feel about it, you might try a bit of sexual play that way. Be sure that its all things you are completely OK with. He might not be able to bring himself to act that way, but its also possible that if he knows you are willingly playing along, it might be fun.

At the same time he really needs to be willing to work very hard at what you want in bed. You sound like a really good person and like you treat him well. You deserve the same in return.


[quote=Lizzyb;17630529][QUOTE=uhtred;17629969]

Your husbands searches imply that he is into the fantasy aggressive male-dominant sex. That doesn't mean he *wants* do do those things, is just a fantasy. You might enjoy playing to those fantasies, you may not

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I think you are on to something since he is not a dominant male at all and that could be something he fantasizes about being but not that he would ever take steps to be since that's just not him. He is a very gentle man that doesn't let anyone or thing ever really anger him. He is extremely low tempered and people could easily take advantage of him and he would allow it. Hmmmm this really is interesting
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post #73 of 173 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:32 PM Thread Starter
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[QUOTE=uhtred;17631889]Depending on how you feel about it, you might try a bit of sexual play that way. Be sure that its all things you are completely OK with. He might not be able to bring himself to act that way, but its also possible that if he knows you are willingly playing along, it might be fun.

At the same time he really needs to be willing to work very hard at what you want in bed. You sound like a really good person and like you treat him well. You deserve the same in return.


[quote=Lizzyb;17630529]
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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post

Your husbands searches imply that he is into the fantasy aggressive male-dominant sex. That doesn't mean he *wants* do do those things, is just a fantasy. You might enjoy playing to those fantasies, you may not

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post

I think you are on to something since he is not a dominant male at all and that could be something he fantasizes about being but not that he would ever take steps to be since that's just not him. He is a very gentle man that doesn't let anyone or thing ever really anger him. He is extremely low tempered and people could easily take advantage of him and he would allow it. Hmmmm this really is interesting

I would be open to trying something different. I definitely stepped out of my comfort zone by watching porn today but I am a firm believer in seeing for yourself. Do I want him watching it? That answer is still a firm no lol but at least I can see that it's possible he is being honest and it's not anything he turns to often and for the reasons he said. I find a bit of comfort in that
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post #74 of 173 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 07:17 AM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
I asked him if he wanted to watch some with me and he said no that if I am here he has no need for it. He never uses it to get turned on he said with me he uses it when he is turned on already and we can't have sex, such as the time people were in the house and then this last time when I left.

I have never felt a desire for porn and of course I just want to be enough for my man. However I did an experiment and took your advice and watched female friendly porn something that wasn't too distasteful for me let's just say solo male videos and I can see how they can have an impact on the libido. The man has to be attractive to me I didn't just pick whatever was first and when watching it I didn't desire the man. What was a turn on was just seeing the man pleasuring himself I guess. Just the act which I guess I can see that's how some men view it. I never once thought oh that man is so hot and I want to have him. It was a sensual feeling I guess and no thoughts in my head were about him or anyone for that matter it was just purely an excited feeling.
Good stuff!

This is how I view porn, when I watch it, and I think most other people, too. Yes, there has to be a certain attractiveness in the person/people involved. But it's the visuals of it all, not the actual person/people one gets excited about. And as I said before, it needs to be 'real' for me to enjoy it. The hottest woman on the planet could be in it, but if she's clearly acting/faking - meh.

The bolded part above is how most others view it, too. It's fantasy, through and through. There's no emotional connection or interest.

Real question - did the man (or men, I suppose) in the videos you watched look anything like your husband, in terms of body type, penis size, etc? I'm going to guess that no, they did not - but that's okay. It doesn't mean you're not attracted to your husband, correct?

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post #75 of 173 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 07:27 AM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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I would be open to trying something different. I definitely stepped out of my comfort zone by watching porn today but I am a firm believer in seeing for yourself. Do I want him watching it? That answer is still a firm no lol but at least I can see that it's possible he is being honest and it's not anything he turns to often and for the reasons he said. I find a bit of comfort in that
The world needs more partners who are willing to do this type of thing. Your husband is a lucky man, honestly.

The next step is to reach some sort of compromise, or at least an understanding.

It's unlikely he'll never not watch porn ever again (though it's possible, I suppose!). But at the same time, he's also not helping you out that much by refusing to watch it with you or to make your own videos.

Suggestion - film yourself, and give it to him. Or as far as filming actual sex with him, he can hold the camera, so the rest of his body isn't in it.

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Last edited by alexm; 04-01-2017 at 01:49 PM.
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