Do some men use porn to relieve an erection? - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 267Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #121 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 12:37 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,615
Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

[quote=Lizzyb;17643833]
Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post

Right, I discovered that. I guess my question is why view images of "goo girls" it doesn't look very attractive to me so what is it exactly that he is craving? I mean if he was viewing beautiful nude women that might make me insecure with my looks but this search makes me wonder what he is missing out on. This search only shows mediocre women giving men oral sex and yes the fluid on them which is odd to me but I'm not a man
Well I just did an image search with Google using "goo girls" as a search query. Where it brought up images of German Goo Girls, which come from a porn site that is known for more extreme sexual acts. Featuring sex orgies that feature multiple cum facials, women and men drinking pee from the source, vaginal plus anal fisting, cum and pee swapping and multiple partner penetration as well as other things.

Perhaps he has an interest in doing such things, yet hasn't mentioned it to you since he fears your response. Or perhaps he just likes seeing that stuff from time to time, without wanting to do any of it?
Personal is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #122 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:11 AM
Member
 
badsanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Southpole!
Posts: 3,244
Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
I stressed that if he has desires he needs to share them so we can determine if we are indeed compatible since I don't want to hold him back from his desires. We aren't married and it's best to find out before we get married
Generally speaking porn is "overstimulating" and requires novelty to maintain enjoyment. If your husband subjected himself to prolonged overstimulation in his previous marriage to numb the pain of a sexless lifestyle, then this would have indeed skewed what images he enjoys looking at in a way that likely does not reflect a desire that he has in real life.

Consider the extreme nature of the porn he was viewing to be a result of how much pain his ex wife was causing him.

If the two of you are happy, then his desires and fantasies should be normal.

Now why would he resort back to extreme porn while he is in a relationship with you? Likely just out of habit as a go to solution for a quick fix.

So if he says he does not really desire to do those types of things with you, he sounds sincere. I really do commend you however on making sure that he is not struggling with shame and/or pain and that you encourage to discuss everything with you to make sure that the two of you can build a healthy and meaningful relationship together before getting married!

Badsanta
badsanta is offline  
post #123 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 10:59 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 88
[QUOTE=uhtred;17644881].



You are talking and that is great. I think its important to keep reactions to "That's OK, but not something I'm interested in", rather than "you are a perverted xyz", because the second will just shut the other person down. You should also share whatever fantasies or desires you have - both because he might enjoy them too, but also so it all doesn't feel one-sided to him.

I wish I could share my fantasies with my wife, but I don't dare because she has reacted badly to some suggestions in the past. She has never shared hers with me. Its sad - because there might very well be things we would both enjoy if only we knew. [quote=Lizzyb;17644753]

I am happy I have someone who I can connect with and we can mutually open up together. It's not easy but we know it takes practice and we do hope it will bring us closer in all ways. I wish all couples could see how being open can increase intimacy on all levels.
Lizzyb is offline  
post #124 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 11:04 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamM View Post
Well, the only thing that matters is that you two can work out a compromise that works for you two.

I'm impressed with your own willingness to do a little experimentation.

Good luck to you.
Thank you! He means everything to me and I just want to do whatever I can to resolve any isues in a gentle understanding manner. We both have 2 failed marriages a piece and want to get this right. He is more in touch with his feminine side so he jokes that he is the female in the relationship. It works well for us since he loves to talk and share his feelings. He loves intimacy it's basically all new to him since he never experienced it before and he's embracing it
Lizzyb is offline  
post #125 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 11:08 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 88
[QUOTE=uhtred;17645705]Just noticed this.
Maybe he really really likes blow jobs but doesn't to ask and pressure you into doing something you don't like. Based on his search and your having not done it in a while, maybe give it a try. Assuming you don't mind - next evening just give him a really great BJ to completion, letting him finish where he wants. You may make him really really happy - and wipe all thoughts of porn from his mind.

This may be something he has really wanted but been too shy to ask for - maybe based on previous relationships with women who hated doing them.

Of course this is a 2 way street. Later you need to tell him what *you* want.
[quote=Lizzyb;17642993]

I think you are right and he is a little shy about asking what he wants plus he is naturally a pleaser and just wants to do what I want. He usually puts my needs first he is not a selfish lover. I will make more of an effort to satisfy his desire that way he doesn't have to fantasize or resort to porn lol
Lizzyb is offline  
post #126 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 11:15 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
Now why would he resort back to extreme porn while he is in a relationship with you? Likely just out of habit as a go to solution for a quick fix.

So if he says he does not really desire to do those types of things with you, he sounds sincere. I really do commend you however on making sure that he is not struggling with shame and/or pain and that you encourage to discuss everything with you to make sure that the two of you can build a healthy and meaningful relationship together before getting married!

Badsanta
@Badsanta I think your response is spot on. It makes perfect sense and he did say that since he had a habit he is going to what he went to before. I think as time goes on and we continue to grow as a couple and continue to be open and share our desires. I think as long as that continues, we will be fullfilled and he won't go back to the habit. I have to remember it took years to develop a habit and it doesn't always stop in an instant somwtimes there are slipups but I will trust that he will overcome it with my help
Lizzyb is offline  
post #127 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 11:20 AM
Member
 
stixx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 261
Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
he jokes that he is the female in the relationship.
There is no doubt you are the one wearing the pants.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
It works well for us
Of course it works. You tell him what to do, and he listens. To a point. That point has been reached. Now, he's gotten frustrated and probably resentful but because he's temporarily misplaced his testicles, he hides it, rather than saying "Sorry babe I'm going to watch porn and I'm going to jack off to it, just like I've done my entire life. Sorry things didn't work out, good luck I'm sure you'll find a guy who will abide by your rigid and unrealistic rules" he says "Ok Dear" and continues to do it and lie to you about it, and when he gets confronted or caught he makes lame excuses for it. I can imagine the conversation he has with his buddies. "Yeah I told her.. get this.. she really turned me on when she wore that dress so I just had to jack off to porn because it was faster..and she bought it!"
stixx is offline  
post #128 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 11:46 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by stixx View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
he jokes that he is the female in the relationship.
There is no doubt you are the one wearing the pants.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
It works well for us
Of course it works. You tell him what to do, and he listens. To a point. That point has been reached. Now, he's gotten frustrated and probably resentful but because he's temporarily misplaced his testicles, he hides it, rather than saying "Sorry babe I'm going to watch porn and I'm going to jack off to it, just like I've done my entire life. Sorry things didn't work out, good luck I'm sure you'll find a guy who will abide by your rigid and unrealistic rules" he says "Ok Dear" and continues to do it and lie to you about it, and when he gets confronted or caught he makes lame excuses for it. I can imagine the conversation he has with his buddies. "Yeah I told her.. get this.. she really turned me on when she wore that dress so I just had to jack off to porn because it was faster..and she bought it!"
Any one with any integrity would be upfront when the lines of communication are open plus I am not making him feel degraded in any way for this. I have made it clear that there is nothing to be ashamed of and if he wants to continue this just to tell me so it's not being hidden. I even offered watch with him if he desires that. I have made this very easy for him to open up and he has which is why I respect that. I do not control him or the relationship I am just pointing out he is the more sensitive one and he is the one who is a better lover despite the fact of his porn habit. He has not been affected by it where it intreferes with our love making. He is the most gentle and likes to cuddle and talk after where I would rather sleep. It just goes to show that not all men are alike. I'm thankful for that I'm sure there are plenty like you men like you are a dime a dozen and I'm sure there are plenty of women that like your type. That's why it's important to be upfront and have complet honesty so you are matched up correctly
Lizzyb is offline  
post #129 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:31 PM
Member
 
stixx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 261
Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
I am not making him feel degraded in any way for this.
It's degrading to have your significant other tell you what you can and cannot do with your own body. Imagine if he told his friends "Yeah I can't view porn my girlfriend will leave me if she finds out".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
I have made it clear that there is nothing to be ashamed of and if he wants to continue this just to tell me so it's not being hidden.
But if he tells you about the porn usage you will leave him. So of course he isn't going to tell you. By lying to you, he gets you AND the porn. It really is that simple.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
I even offered watch with him if he desires that.
He doesn't WANT to watch porn with you. He wants to view it by HIMSELF.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
I have made this very easy for him to open up and he has which is why I respect that. I do not control him or the relationship
You have NOT made it easy for him to open up, you have told him that you will leave if he views porn. He has not opened up, for good reason, and you are trying your damndest to control him but not having any success because your demands are unreasonable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
It just goes to show that not all men are alike. I'm thankful for that I'm sure there are plenty like you men like you are a dime a dozen
Your guy is in my dozen. The only difference is that I woudn't lie and cover it up and I wouldn't be with a woman who tried to control me like you do because I have enough confidence, self respect and self esteem to tell such a woman where she can take her unreasonable controlling behavior. I would have laughed you right out the door the first time you said "No porn viewing in my relationship without me watching it too!" Remember you started this thread BECAUSE your boyfriend used porn. If he didn't, you wouldn't have posted the thread in the first place. There are serious problems in your relationship, I am just trying to help because you are in serious denial.
stixx is offline  
post #130 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:56 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 88
Quote:
Originally Posted by stixx View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
I am not making him feel degraded in any way for this.
It's degrading to have your significant other tell you what you can and cannot do with your own body. Imagine if he told his friends "Yeah I can't view porn my girlfriend will leave me if she finds out".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
I have made it clear that there is nothing to be ashamed of and if he wants to continue this just to tell me so it's not being hidden.
But if he tells you about the porn usage you will leave him. So of course he isn't going to tell you. By lying to you, he gets you AND the porn. It really is that simple.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
I even offered watch with him if he desires that.
He doesn't WANT to watch porn with you. He wants to view it by HIMSELF.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
I have made this very easy for him to open up and he has which is why I respect that. I do not control him or the relationship
You have NOT made it easy for him to open up, you have told him that you will leave if he views porn. He has not opened up, for good reason, and you are trying your damndest to control him but not having any success because your demands are unreasonable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
It just goes to show that not all men are alike. I'm thankful for that I'm sure there are plenty like you men like you are a dime a dozen
Your guy is in my dozen. The only difference is that I woudn't lie and cover it up and I wouldn't be with a woman who tried to control me like you do because I have enough confidence, self respect and self esteem to tell such a woman where she can take her unreasonable controlling behavior. I would have laughed you right out the door the first time you said "No porn viewing in my relationship without me watching it too!" Remember you started this thread BECAUSE your boyfriend used porn. If he didn't, you wouldn't have posted the thread in the first place. There are serious problems in your relationship, I am just trying to help because you are in serious denial.
He is not forced in this relationship he knows what it is like to be in a controlling marriage which is why he left his last one. I doubt he would repeat this same mistake. We have to stick by our standards. If he feels by being with me that he is not being true to himself then why won't he go off and find someone who suits him better. Why stay in a relationship where there are lies? Why would he want to cling on to me and not be true to himself and allow himself to be controlled as you say and be miserable in the long run? Don't you think by now at 50 years old he would wise up and go after what he needs and wants? I know I have and honestly I am ok being alone I have no issue. I told him I masturbate and will continue to do so if I feel a need to. He knows he can tell me anything
Lizzyb is offline  
post #131 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:04 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 88
@stixx expand your limited mind for a minute and think that it is possible that not all men think the way you do. There are different people in this world which is what makes the world interesting. I have met all types of men and most of my close friends are men and they do not share your same thoughts. So are they lying to me to because they think if they tell me the truth they lose my friendship? In your personal life you have every right to accept what you feel you need and that's the same as I feel. I don't want to be held back in a relationship that is harboring lies. I don't think anyone does. I am trying to instill a value of honesty and integrity in my relationship. I won't settle for less. He knows that if he lies the outcome is worse.
Lizzyb is offline  
post #132 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:24 PM
Member
 
stixx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 261
Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
He is not forced in this relationship he knows what it is like to be in a controlling marriage which is why he left his last one. I doubt he would repeat this same mistake.
Do you know why most relationships and most marriages fail, especially subsequent marriages?

Because people don't learn, they don't change, they repeat the same mistakes they made the first time around, and the second, and the third...

You don't need to take my word for it. Just Google on reasons for failure of subsquent marriages.

Here's a Link for you.

“Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” George Santayana


Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
We have to stick by our standards.
You might feel that way, but there you go again, saying something as if it necessarily applies to everyone ELSE.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
If he feels by being with me that he is not being true to himself then why won't he go off and find someone who suits him better.
I can only guess, but since you asked, I will do my best. He really likes you. He's caught up in the whirlwind of emotions and passion that happens in the beginning of almost every relationship. He honestly thinks that he can do as you ask because you're worth it, you've got great attributes (perhaps a nice rack, or you're great in bed or you're really understanding or a great cook).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
Why stay in a relationship where there are lies?
I answered this question already. By lying, he gets you and all the good that comes with you, and he gets to jack off to porn. It's win/win, and no one gets hurt (in his mind anyway).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
Why would he want to cling on to me and not be true to himself and allow himself to be controlled as you say and be miserable in the long run?
Already answered above. It comes down to a) he's really not letting you control him, b) he's only acting like it and he's doing it because he thinks you're worth the compromise and the need to lie and hide his porn use.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
Don't you think by now at 50 years old he would wise up and go after what he needs and wants?
I don't know the guy but generally speaking we don't ever really figure it out. I think most of us in our final few years or even on our deathbed say "Next time around I'm going to do things differently". Sad that we didn't do it when we had the time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
He knows he can tell me anything
Yes as long as it isn't related to porn usage (and possibly any other rules you've told him will be enforced during the tenure of the relationship, however short that will be).

Last edited by stixx; 04-04-2017 at 04:40 PM.
stixx is offline  
post #133 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:29 PM
Member
 
badsanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Southpole!
Posts: 3,244
Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
@stixx expand your limited mind for a minute and think that it is possible that not all men think the way you do. There are different people in this world which is what makes the world interesting. I have met all types of men and most of my close friends are men and they do not share your same thoughts. So are they lying to me to because they think if they tell me the truth they lose my friendship? In your personal life you have every right to accept what you feel you need and that's the same as I feel. I don't want to be held back in a relationship that is harboring lies. I don't think anyone does. I am trying to instill a value of honesty and integrity in my relationship. I won't settle for less. He knows that if he lies the outcome is worse.
@Lizzyb stixx makes a few good points. So if your partner has a preexisting habit of watching extreme porn and he knows you disapprove of it to the point you would leave him if he feels he still needs/wants to watch porn every now and then...

...stop for a moment. In most marriages we becomes so invested with our partners that we try to make ourselves into someone better than we may actually be out of fear of loosing our partner. Sexuality becomes problematic because at this point one may be lying to himself about who he really is. Then the risk of infidelity skyrockets because sexuality can only be expressed with someone that he does not care about...

...most marriages face that conundrum after about five to ten years. If you love your partner, you will let him know that you also accept that he is not perfect. You will let him know that while certain things may be problematic that ultimately you will accept him for who he is. He may tell you he has a strong desire to watch porn still and that he struggles with that in order not to hurt you, but it could take him half a decade to be that up front with you regarding this topic. The question then becomes could you accept AND find ways to nurture the parts of his personality that enjoy porn in a way that make him feel loved.

An interesting thing that one female member here did for her husband would be to narrate to him a pornographic scenario for him to imagine (she would just make it up in her mind). He found that experience to be exponentially better than porn and was amazed that he could have that type of thrill with his wife.

My point being is that you need to make your husband feel accepted for someone that has a tendency to enjoy porn. What you do to make each other feel loved in that context is up to the two of you, BUT you have to make him feel accepted first!

Regards,
Badsanta
badsanta is offline  
post #134 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:30 PM
Member
 
stixx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 261
Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
@stixx expand your limited mind for a minute and think that it is possible that not all men think the way you do.
@Lizzyb perhaps you might want to take your own advice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
I have met all types of men and most of my close friends are men and they do not share your same thoughts. So are they lying to me to because they think if they tell me the truth they lose my friendship?
I don't know. What rules have you imposed on them in order for them to retain your friendship? Are they not allowed to view porn either? If so, then yes they're probably lying to you about their porn usage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
I don't want to be held back in a relationship that is harboring lies.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but you're in one. That's why you're questioning your boyfriends answer to his use of prohibited pornography and listening to answers from complete strangers to determine if your boyfriend's answer is legitimate or not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
I don't think anyone does. I am trying to instill a value of honesty and integrity in my relationship. I won't settle for less. He knows that if he lies the outcome is worse.
You're trying to force a person to act a certain way and that does exactly the opposite of "instilling honesty and integrity".

It promotes exactly what you are receiving- deception.

Because as you just wrote it yourself "the outcome of lying is worse than the outcome of being caught using porn". Although how could the outcome be worse than porn? What can be worse than you breaking up with him?

I certainly couldn't live under THAT sort of pressure, I doubt he can either.

Last edited by stixx; 04-04-2017 at 02:37 PM.
stixx is offline  
post #135 of 172 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:42 PM
Member
 
peacem's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 642
Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

@Lizzyb

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Porn-Think-...n+think+in+ink

Porn: How to Think in Kink (a philosophy for everyone), Dave Monroe et al

This is a really good book that fascinated me. It is a series of academic papers on psychology and philosophy of porn. It helped me a lot. Academic but very readable.

Last edited by peacem; 04-04-2017 at 04:26 PM.
peacem is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Men, if you do *not* look at porn, why is that? jld The Men's Clubhouse 37 01-10-2017 09:17 PM
Husband watching Trans Porn ... im_miss_world00 Sex in Marriage 28 10-11-2016 09:48 AM
Can anybody find me somebody to love? misslonelyheart General Relationship Discussion 300 04-12-2016 08:17 AM
Porn and women UMP Sex in Marriage 428 02-14-2016 10:01 AM
Is mgtow for real? VHVGN The Men's Clubhouse 1230 12-17-2015 09:35 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome