Do some men use porn to relieve an erection? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 172 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 04:31 PM Thread Starter
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Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

The duration of my relationship with my SO is close to a year now and during this time I have found porn 3 times. We have an active sex life and I never turn him down. We have sex if not every other day then at least every 3 days. The 2nd time I found it I felt I needed to confront him since this was something I have never wanted in my relationship and I felt I might not have been clear. We talked and he said that he used it only because at that time we were visiting at my moms for a week and he had woke up turned on and then my mom walked in the room so he couldnt approach me for sex. Therefore he went to shower and that is when he used it. He promised he didn't have a problem with porn and he wouldn't use it again. Well 5 months later I find it again. I was getting ready to go to a wedding reception without him and then I decided I wanted a quick nap before. He said I could come and lay down nude and nap with him and I said no ill put my nightie on. I had no idea that was his way of trying to get me into bed for sex so I didn't get the hint and fell asleep. He said watching me getting ready and the dress I wore was low cut and sexy so he became aroused. So when I left he said he contemplated on not masteubatin and waiting for me but then the urge was intense and he didn't know if I would be home that night he figured not till early morning since I like to stay out and party. I asked why he had to use porn couldn't he do it without and his answer was it speeds up the process. According to the history it was about 15 min after I left and he only viewed it for 10 or so min. I obviously realize he isn't an avid porn user but is his answer valid? He seemed to think I had a problem with masturbation and I have gently explained that I'm fine with it that it's the porn I have an issue with. He grew up LDS so he was taught masturbation is shameful and he should feel dirty. I told jl to never feel that way and that it's ok if the time calls for it. But I also made him aware I will always satisfy his urge at any moment. He says he doesn't like to bother me that he feels selfish and he never wants me to feel used. We have kept the communication open since this happened last week and he says he feels closer to me knowing he can talk about the most embarrassing things and I don't look at him differently. He said I am making him a better person. He had a bad marriage before and used porn to relieve himself since they never had sex towards the end. Little personal info he is 50 and I am 41 both of us are in great shape and I always take care of my appearance. Just need some input since it is hard for me to undestand and I want to feel ok about his reason . Thanks in advance
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post #2 of 172 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 04:33 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

His reason isn't what's important. Its your unflexible rigidity and closemindedness regarding his porn use.

Guys look at porn and most of the guys who look at it are either flipping the pages or typing with one hand because the other one is occupied.

It's normal, it's natural and you need to either accept it or else he's going to lie and resent you for not "allowing" it.

As far as "using porn to relieve an erection because he was really turned on by what you were wearing" let's just say he's rather creative.
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post #3 of 172 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 04:40 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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Originally Posted by Adiron View Post
His reason isn't what's important. Its your unflexible rigidity and closemindedness regarding his porn use.

Guys look at porn and most of the guys who look at it are either flipping the pages or typing with one hand because the other one is occupied.

It's normal, it's natural and you need to either accept it or else he's going to lie and resent you for not "allowing" it.
This quote is true, I personally never been a big user but still watch occasionally, I honestly don't know a single guy who doesn't watch porn from time to time. My STBXW and I also used to watch it together on occasions.

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post #4 of 172 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 04:50 PM
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His reason isn't what's important. Its your unflexible rigidity and closemindedness regarding his porn use.

Guys look at porn and most of the guys who look at it are either flipping the pages or typing with one hand because the other one is occupied.

It's normal, it's natural and you need to either accept it or else he's going to lie and resent you for not "allowing" it.

As far as "using porn to relieve an erection because he was really turned on by what you were wearing" let's just say he's rather creative.
...Or maybe your view is the one that is closed minded. She actually does not need to accept it. Some people have boundaries of no porn use. You have not been made judge of the world that your proclamation that porn use is "normal and natural" is actually true.
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post #5 of 172 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 04:51 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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Some people have boundaries of no porn use.
Which they have absolutely no right to impose on others.

Realistically she has only 2 options

1- Accept his porn use
2- End the relationship
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post #6 of 172 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:02 PM Thread Starter
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post #7 of 172 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:02 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

According to some women on here, their husbands do not use porn. According to some men on here, they do not use porn. So there is a subset of the male population who simply are not entertained by porn and there is also a subset who agree not to use it because their partners find it hurtful.

I have zero issues with porn consumption. While me and my partner used it extensively during periods of absence, I don't think he's used it since I moved in except for the occasions where we view together to set the mood. I definitely have watched on my own in between.

I think for people who do use porn, particularly men, it is difficult to understand why others find it hurtful. A big part of the reason why it is difficult for men to understand why their female counterparts react the way you do, is because they relate to sex/porn differently. The common complaints from women are that porn makes them very self conscious, they wonder if their partner is thinking of the women in porn while having sex with them and they feel like their partner must not find sex with them satisfying if he needs to look at porn. For most men, these assumptions are very far from the truth and they have little interest in/memory of the women, they see in porn videos. It's about the opportunity for a quick release, not some deeply gratifying sexual experience.

That being said, you'll need to have a serious conversation with your partner to clarify exactly why this is hurtful to you. He'll need to explicitly agree to stop (or not) viewing porn. Moving forward you'll need to establish this boundary and consequences for breaking it.
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post #8 of 172 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:06 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
Some people have boundaries of no porn use.
Which they have absolutely no right to impose on others.

Realistically she has only 2 options

1- Accept his porn use
2- End the relationship
Boundaries are healthy and I was upfront with my boundaries as was he. He doesn't like me flirting so I don't because I love him and he is more important. It's his choice if he wants to accept my boundaries and make the changes or he will lose me and he knows this which is why he has given me all access to everything so if it happens again I will know and I can leave. He doesn't want to lose me so he is choosing not to indulge and when the mood strikes he will tell me and we will take care of it ourselves and not with porn
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post #9 of 172 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:07 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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Boundaries are healthy and I was upfront with my boundaries as was he. He doesn't like me flirting so I don't because I love him and he is more important. It's his choice if he wants to accept my boundaries and make the changes or he will lose me and he knows this which is why he has given me all access to everything so if it happens again I will know and I can leave. He doesn't want to lose me so he is choosing not to indulge and when the mood strikes he will tell me and we will take care of it ourselves and not with porn
You are equating flirting with a member of the opposite sex with masturbation to pornography?

Seriously??

What are your other boundaries I can't help but wonder.
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post #10 of 172 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:10 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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Originally Posted by Adiron View Post
Which they have absolutely no right to impose on others.

Realistically she has only 2 options

1- Accept his porn use
2- End the relationship
Merely because you view porn as being fine, doesn't make it so. Some people have a problem with their spouse desiring to have sex with other people.

She has every right to "impose" her boundaries on the person she's in a relationship with. If the other person is not willing to respect her boundaries, then yes, she would need to end the relationship.

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post #11 of 172 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:14 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

Men need visual stimulation, also men have poor visual memory compared to many women, women have better visual memories on average. So this combination means men need something to look at.

An idea that you could do, but has risks (hackers and all this crap these days) would be to make a video with him or send him nudes. Again, that might be out of your comfort zones. However for me personally, i only used porn as a way to visualize more, i almost always think about my wife when masturbating, i could be the one weird guy that is this way or it could be more normal than that. There is also a possibility that since you do have sex a lot he likes to have more of an adventure and look at something different. Everyone gets wandering eyes at times and as long as it stays within fantassy land and not acted upon it is ok. This is something we all have to cope with, some people are more likely to wander their eyes than others.


Women read erotic novels, or erotic writing or just have creative minds and think of dirty things, men like to see stuff. I have a very vivid memory and i usually think of my wife. When she shuts me d own from sex because i am like a rabbit who needs it like twice a day, i sometimes get frustrated and watch porn because i am frustrated with my wife and can't th ink about her. This doesn't mean i dont love her or don't want to be with her.

I wouldn't really worry about it though, men use porn, women use vibrators, we all have our things we need.


As for getting rid of an erection, pretty sure that was just an excuse. Porn watching takes longer than just rubbing one out. If i am horny enough to have an erection i can't get rid of, then i can get off pretty easily. usually porn is used when i am horny but not horny enough so to speak. IT's more like a catalyst than a fuel.
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post #12 of 172 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:18 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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She has every right to "impose" her boundaries on the person she's in a relationship with. If the other person is not willing to respect her boundaries, then yes, she would need to end the relationship.
Well then that's what she has to do, because he's clearly not respecting her imposed boundaries of no masturbating to pornography.

To a guy like him, it's no different then telling him he's got to stop breathing.

This one's over.
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post #13 of 172 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:32 PM
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Re: Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?

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Boundaries are healthy and I was upfront with my boundaries as was he. He doesn't like me flirting so I don't because I love him and he is more important. It's his choice if he wants to accept my boundaries and make the changes or he will lose me and he knows this which is why he has given me all access to everything so if it happens again I will know and I can leave. He doesn't want to lose me so he is choosing not to indulge and when the mood strikes he will tell me and we will take care of it ourselves and not with porn

A few thoughts. First, as someone married for 46 years, marriage is about compromise. As David Schnarch (Passionate Marriage, the Crucible, etc.) points out marriage is the hardest thing two people can do if done correctly. The reason is that it is so hard is become two separate people have to become a single functioning societal family unit. One person is always maturing an growing at a different rate from the other. That makes for a constant emotional push and pull as their marriage matures.

The key to picking lines in the sand is how important is a particular issue to you?

If you husband's porn use denies you the sex you need from him. If his porn use makes you feel like he is cheating on you. If his porn use is an affront to your ethics or morals, then this is something you need to explain to him is a really, really big deal to you.

However, don't expect him not to masturbate if that has been part of his adult life, unless it is causing him not to be able to sexually meet your needs.

Remember marriage is about compromise.

One of the things I was taught was that I cannot change my spouse! Only my spouse can change themself. You really need to understand that. You can explain to your spouse how much this emotionally hurts you and any physical aspects of it that reduce your sex life (like he might not want sex as much). But after you have explained your desires, your position, your feelings, it is up to him to change or not change himself.

If he changes his behavior you can give him positive reinforcement to him changing himself, but that is not you initiating his changes. Way different.

Finally, I would like to go back to David Schnarch and his thought on one of the keys to dealing with the emotional push pull that happens in marriage. He stresses that each partner in marriage needs to grow their own capability as "self soothing." That is when you become stressed or upset at something in your relationship, you need to find for yourself a coping mechanism that will reduce your level of being upset. If you can't self-soothe then you marriage will ultimately have real problems.

The other side of Schnarch's good marriage concept is self-differentiation, which is becoming true to yourself. It is about thoughtfully developing your own boundaries that you value. A good marriage is about two people who over the course of time push each others boundaries until they reach a compromise that they both can live with and be comfortable with.

You might want to get some of Schanrch's books, they are college graduate level heavy reading, but he has some great insights.

Good luck to you, pick your battles carefully.
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post #14 of 172 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:47 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
Boundaries are healthy and I was upfront with my boundaries as was he. He doesn't like me flirting so I don't because I love him and he is more important. It's his choice if he wants to accept my boundaries and make the changes or he will lose me and he knows this which is why he has given me all access to everything so if it happens

again I will know and I can leave. He doesn't want to lose me so he is choosing not to indulge and when the mood strikes he will tell me and we will take care of it ourselves and not with porn

A few thoughts. First, as someone married for 46 years, marriage is about compromise. As David Schnarch (Passionate Marriage, the Crucible, etc.) points out marriage is the hardest thing two people can do if done correctly. The reason is that it is so hard is become two separate people have to become a single functioning societal family unit. One person is always maturing an growing at a different rate from the other. That makes for a constant emotional push and pull as their marriage matures.

The key to picking lines in the sand is how important is a particular issue to you?

If you husband's porn use denies you the sex you need from him. If his porn use makes you feel like he is cheating on you. If his porn use is an affront to your ethics or morals, then this is something you need to explain to him is a really, really big deal to you.

However, don't expect him not to masturbate if that has been part of his adult life, unless it is causing him not to be able to sexually meet your needs.

Remember marriage is about compromise.

One of the things I was taught was that I cannot change my spouse! Only my spouse can change themself. You really need to understand that. You can explain to your spouse how much this emotionally hurts you and any physical aspects of it that reduce your sex life (like he might not want sex as much). But after you have explained your desires, your position, your feelings, it is up to him to change or not change himself.

If he changes his behavior you can give him positive reinforcement to him changing himself, but that is not you initiating his changes. Way different.

Finally, I would like to go back to David Schnarch and his thought on one of the keys to dealing with the emotional push pull that happens in marriage. He stresses that each partner in marriage needs to grow their own capability as "self soothing." That is when you become stressed or upset at something in your relationship, you need to find for yourself a coping mechanism that will reduce your level of being upset. If you can't self-soothe then you marriage will ultimately have real problems.

The other side of Schnarch's good marriage concept is self-differentiation, which is becoming true to yourself. It is about thoughtfully developing your own boundaries that you value. A good marriage is about two people who over the course of time push each others boundaries until they reach a compromise that they both can live with and be comfortable with.

You might want to get some of Schanrch's books, they are college graduate level heavy reading, but he has some great insights.

Good luck to you, pick your battles carefully.
Thank you! I appreciate your response and the books seem helpful. I will look for them. I think it's pretty spot on
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post #15 of 172 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 05:49 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by FORTIFIEDORANGE View Post
Men need visual stimulation, also men have poor visual memory compared to many women, women have better visual memories on average. So this combination means men need something to look at.

An idea that you could do, but has risks (hackers and all this crap these days) would be to make a video with him or send him nudes. Again, that might be out of your comfort zones. However for me personally, i only used porn as a way to visualize more, i almost always think about my wife when masturbating, i could be the one weird guy that is this way or it could be more normal than that. There is also a possibility that since you do have sex a lot he likes to have more of an adventure and look at something different. Everyone gets wandering eyes at times and as long as it stays within fantassy land and not acted upon it is ok. This is something we all have to cope with, some people are more likely to wander their eyes than others.


Women read erotic novels, or erotic writing or just have creative minds and think of dirty things, men like to see stuff. I have a very vivid memory and i usually think of my wife. When she shuts me d own from sex because i am like a rabbit who needs it like twice a day, i sometimes get frustrated and watch porn because i am frustrated with my wife and can't th ink about her. This doesn't mean i dont love her or don't want to be with her.

I wouldn't really worry about it though, men use porn, women use vibrators, we all have our things we need.


As for getting rid of an erection, pretty sure that was just an excuse. Porn watching takes longer than just rubbing one out. If i am horny enough to have an erection i can't get rid of, then i can get off pretty easily. usually porn is used when i am horny but not horny enough so to speak. IT's more like a catalyst than a fuel.
I am very open to taking photos or videos and we have talked about that. That is one way we agreed if we were apart for a few nights that we could use that or even just phone sex
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