Haven't had sex in 2 years of marriage - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 11:37 AM Thread Starter
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Haven't had sex in 2 years of marriage

My husband and I have been married for 2 years now but we haven't had sex yet. We tried a few times but I had to ask him to stop because I was too nervous and felt pain. He is an amazing man and I love him but I am just too scared to have sex. I have initiated it many times and I gave oral several times but when it comes to penetration, I just chicken out.

I haven't told my husband this but I feel like I need to mention it : A few years ago I had a "relationship" (none of our friends knew about it) with a guy who basically was friends with me just so that he could sleep with me. I kept him at a distance for many months but then we used to go out for drinks every now and then. Even drunk, I was pretty strict about not wanting to sleep with him. One day, we were talking about an ex-boyfriend of mine and it made me emotional and I drank more than I wanted to. He took me home, things got out of hand and we had sex. I was too vulnerable and it made me feel good to have someone take interest in me. But that was the only time I felt good. Since then we used to have sex often but it was always with no foreplay, painful and all about him. I NEVER had an orgasm in all those times. I actually remember a specific night where I was in so much pain that I started to cry while he was in me. He literally just wiped my tears and continued. It was the first time I realized that he had absolutely no concern for how I felt. He used to give me fake compliments just so that I would please him physically. Needless to say, I didn't sleep with him after that.

Do you think that my sexual fears are because the only guy that I ever had sex with was bad to me? Or is it a physical problem? Either way, can it be fixed?

My husband is absolutely nothing like that guy. He is very loving and caring and I feel guilty that I am not able to give him the physical satisfaction that he deserves. I feel like we should get an annulment/divorce so that he can be happy with someone else who is not messed up like me.

I understand that you may not give professional advice but this is the first time I have come out with my problem in public. So, any help would be appreciated.
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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 12:16 PM
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Re: Haven't had sex in 2 years of marriage

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Originally Posted by blue4u View Post
My husband and I have been married for 2 years now but we haven't had sex yet. We tried a few times but I had to ask him to stop because I was too nervous and felt pain. He is an amazing man and I love him but I am just too scared to have sex. I have initiated it many times and I gave oral several times but when it comes to penetration, I just chicken out.

I haven't told my husband this but I feel like I need to mention it : A few years ago I had a "relationship" (none of our friends knew about it) with a guy who basically was friends with me just so that he could sleep with me. I kept him at a distance for many months but then we used to go out for drinks every now and then. Even drunk, I was pretty strict about not wanting to sleep with him. One day, we were talking about an ex-boyfriend of mine and it made me emotional and I drank more than I wanted to. He took me home, things got out of hand and we had sex. I was too vulnerable and it made me feel good to have someone take interest in me. But that was the only time I felt good. Since then we used to have sex often but it was always with no foreplay, painful and all about him. I NEVER had an orgasm in all those times. I actually remember a specific night where I was in so much pain that I started to cry while he was in me. He literally just wiped my tears and continued. It was the first time I realized that he had absolutely no concern for how I felt. He used to give me fake compliments just so that I would please him physically. Needless to say, I didn't sleep with him after that.

Do you think that my sexual fears are because the only guy that I ever had sex with was bad to me? Or is it a physical problem? Either way, can it be fixed?

My husband is absolutely nothing like that guy. He is very loving and caring and I feel guilty that I am not able to give him the physical satisfaction that he deserves. I feel like we should get an annulment/divorce so that he can be happy with someone else who is not messed up like me.

I understand that you may not give professional advice but this is the first time I have come out with my problem in public. So, any help would be appreciated.
A few thoughts.

Quote:
Do you think that my sexual fears are because the only guy that I ever had sex with was bad to me? Or is it a physical problem? Either way, can it be fixed?
Yes, yes and yes.

Do you know what conditioned response is? Think of Pavlov's dog. Think of BF Skinner. Your ex-boyfriend/rapist conditioned you negatively toward sex. You in turn have negatively conditioned your husbands reaction to sex with you for at least 2 years. You have a really serious problem.

As to the pain issue, see a medical specialist to find out if there is anything physically wrong with you. Ask your doctor for a prescription of a set of medical dilators. They are used to gradually expand the size of your vagina and vaginal opening and "condition" you to being penetrated. Use lots of lube. Have the doctor tell you how to use them. If that is an issue tell your husband and tell him that you need his love and support and that you would like him to help you condition yourself so that you can have sex with him. Turn daily dilation into a sex game with your husband. Build the sexual bond between the two of you, assuming that is your pain issue.

Use visualization and affirmations to help you enjoy being penetrated. Visualization is when you imagine being penetrated by your husband and you use self hypnosis techniques to make that a wonderfully pleasant mental experience. Think sunshine, sweet smelling flowers a warm beach and a heart full of love. Then do self affirmations. That is another self hypnosis technique where you verbalize that you love your husband that you are a sensual and sexual woman who enjoys feeling her husband within her. That you love the feeling of your two bodies becoming one, as stated in your wedding vows. That you eagerly wait for your husband and you to join your bodies as only a husband and wife should. Say those things and believe them. They will ultimately work their way from words into your subconscious mind and change who your are. You need to re-condition yourself from the conditioning that your ex-boyfrient/rapist did to you.

Finally, go with your husband to a sex therapist. They are marriage counselors with extra training in sexual problems and dysfunction. They can provide you and your husband with exercises to teach you BOTH new habits in how to give and receive physical love from each other.

Good luck.
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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: Haven't had sex in 2 years of marriage

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Originally Posted by blue4u View Post
I haven't told my husband this but I feel like I need to mention it

Do you think that my sexual fears are because the only guy that I ever had sex with was bad to me? Or is it a physical problem? Either way, can it be fixed?

My husband is absolutely nothing like that guy. He is very loving and caring and I feel guilty that I am not able to give him the physical satisfaction that he deserves. I feel like we should get an annulment/divorce so that he can be happy with someone else who is not messed up like me.
DO TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT THIS! He loves you and needs to understand what happened in order to learn how to become closer to you and help you heal from the past and feel loved with him moving forwards. Much like you suffered in the past, he is sharing your struggle in the marriage.

It is perfectly OK for you to feel anxiety about having sex, but you need to help your husband understand why you are feeling this anxiety.

I do worry that if you and your husband have not actually had penetrative sex for two years that he too may be dealing with some issues of his own that he may or may not be sharing with you. Otherwise the two of you would have been in a very strong nonstop conflict regarding this topic one year and eleven months ago.

I strongly recommend you and your husband see a therapist. Once you two better understand your issues and how to begin working through things, then people may have some advice that will better help the two of you.

Your husband obviously has the patience of a saint! Please do be open with him about your past. Let him be the one to help the two of you decide the next steps to take. Let him help you feel safe. Let him protect you. Let him guide you to therapy. Let him love you!

Regards,
Badsanta
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 03:49 PM
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Re: Haven't had sex in 2 years of marriage

I'm sorry that you were sexually assaulted by that guy.

Unfortunately, as a coping/defensive mechanism you avoid penetration now so you won't have to relive the trauma of your past assault, I avoid certain things also as a result of my past.

I recommend that you get some sort of counselling for yourself and once you feel confident, in the future you can work towards sex therapy to help as well.





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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 06:01 PM
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Re: Haven't had sex in 2 years of marriage

I suspect you are suffering from vaginismus. You will need counseling, but it's certainly curable.

Certainly you met a crappy guy. Sadly there's too many of those. Don't let him own your life. Be your own master.

Focus on your love. That is what matters. Don't let something bad in your past hurt something good in your present. You were hurt badly. But don't let that hurt keep you from enjoying your life.

The goal is to learn to relax. Sex is just sex. It's great fun if done right, but learning how to do it right eludes most people.

Good luck, and be well.
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 06:32 PM
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Re: Haven't had sex in 2 years of marriage

Send me your "husband"s email address. I need to have a word with him.
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 07:06 PM
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Re: Haven't had sex in 2 years of marriage

A couple of links for you.

Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife

Please talk to your husband. Your story sounds a little bit like mine. My wife didn't tell me for 2 years, I thought she hated me because of how she reacted to intimacy with me.

What do I do? Am I unreasonable?

Be willing to work on the issue, it won't go away. Kudo's for posting on TAM.

Last edited by FrazzledSadHusband; 03-31-2017 at 06:37 PM. Reason: mistyped number of years
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 08:02 PM
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Re: Haven't had sex in 2 years of marriage

I sense from this post you love your husband. If it true then you must have courage. You must be strong for both him and you. You must talk to him about it and you must seek help. You started with this post. Look it is OK to be scared, courage is not the absence of fear it's knowing you are afraid but taking action anyway. This is a part of life. You can do it. If you want the marriage you always dreamed of you must do it. You love him and you say he is kind and good, then it's time to trust him and tell him. Both of you can get help together.
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 08:11 PM
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Re: Haven't had sex in 2 years of marriage

I'm not an expert on this, but want you to know that you aren't the only person with this problem.
I hope you figure out how to have a good sex life, it's a wonderful thing and it would be a shame for you to miss it with your extremely patient husband.
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 08:12 PM
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Re: Haven't had sex in 2 years of marriage

Welcome to the forum, you have made a big step forward in getting your sexual life back on track.
Do you and your husband have mutual orgasms often in other ways?

It sounds like you have been blessed with a gem of a husband. Tell him what happened. Share all your feelings and worries with him. He will undoubtedly be relieved to start working on a solution. Great men are something to love, cherish and take care of. Once he fully understands , get your medical team involved.

I wish you the best. Keep us posted on your progress honey!

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 08:28 PM
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Re: Haven't had sex in 2 years of marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by blue4u View Post
My husband and I have been married for 2 years now but we haven't had sex yet. We tried a few times but I had to ask him to stop because I was too nervous and felt pain. He is an amazing man and I love him but I am just too scared to have sex. I have initiated it many times and I gave oral several times but when it comes to penetration, I just chicken out.

I haven't told my husband this but I feel like I need to mention it : A few years ago I had a "relationship" (none of our friends knew about it) with a guy who basically was friends with me just so that he could sleep with me. I kept him at a distance for many months but then we used to go out for drinks every now and then. Even drunk, I was pretty strict about not wanting to sleep with him. One day, we were talking about an ex-boyfriend of mine and it made me emotional and I drank more than I wanted to. He took me home, things got out of hand and we had sex. I was too vulnerable and it made me feel good to have someone take interest in me. But that was the only time I felt good. Since then we used to have sex often but it was always with no foreplay, painful and all about him. I NEVER had an orgasm in all those times. I actually remember a specific night where I was in so much pain that I started to cry while he was in me. He literally just wiped my tears and continued. It was the first time I realized that he had absolutely no concern for how I felt. He used to give me fake compliments just so that I would please him physically. Needless to say, I didn't sleep with him after that.

Do you think that my sexual fears are because the only guy that I ever had sex with was bad to me? Or is it a physical problem? Either way, can it be fixed?

My husband is absolutely nothing like that guy. He is very loving and caring and I feel guilty that I am not able to give him the physical satisfaction that he deserves. I feel like we should get an annulment/divorce so that he can be happy with someone else who is not messed up like me.

I understand that you may not give professional advice but this is the first time I have come out with my problem in public. So, any help would be appreciated.

Hi @blue4u

Firstly, can I just take this opportunity to honour you for opening up about this. It's not easy at all and the courage that you are showing is your first step towards healing.

I agree with a number of the other posts. Unfortunately, the negative experiences that you have had with the other guy has created a negative conditioned response to sex. Let me explain this better...

You know when you go on a holiday and you might hear a particular song? Then you come back home and you hear that same song and suddenly you are mentally and emotionally transported back to the holiday? Well it's essentially the same but on a negative level towards sex. It can absolutely be healed but it's a case of whether you want to do it with a band-aid or whether you want to truly heal it at it's core.

As one of the other's pointed out, it's probably worth going to a doctor and just double checking that nothing is physically wrong for you but my guess at this stage is that the negative past experiences is ultimately creating a level of pain for you.

Now in terms of your husband - I know you know, but you are truly blessed to have him in your life and he can actually be instrumental in the healing process for you. I would strongly recommend discussing this with him. Not just for the reason of openness, but also because it will bring out the protective mechanism in him and he will want to do everything in his power to help you heal. He sounds like a lovely, patient guy and I can assure you that he will be there for you on so many levels if he truly knows what you've been through.

Forgiveness is also a big part of your journey towards healing. When we truly forgive both others and ourselves, we open the door to love - and ultimately love is the greatest healing force.

So thank you again for opening up.

I hope the message above helps.

If you have any further questions, let me know.

Thanks
Sri
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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 08:47 PM
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Re: Haven't had sex in 2 years of marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by blue4u View Post
My husband and I have been married for 2 years now but we haven't had sex yet. We tried a few times but I had to ask him to stop because I was too nervous and felt pain. He is an amazing man and I love him but I am just too scared to have sex. I have initiated it many times and I gave oral several times but when it comes to penetration, I just chicken out.

I haven't told my husband this but I feel like I need to mention it : A few years ago I had a "relationship" (none of our friends knew about it) with a guy who basically was friends with me just so that he could sleep with me. I kept him at a distance for many months but then we used to go out for drinks every now and then. Even drunk, I was pretty strict about not wanting to sleep with him. One day, we were talking about an ex-boyfriend of mine and it made me emotional and I drank more than I wanted to. He took me home, things got out of hand and we had sex. I was too vulnerable and it made me feel good to have someone take interest in me. But that was the only time I felt good. Since then we used to have sex often but it was always with no foreplay, painful and all about him. I NEVER had an orgasm in all those times. I actually remember a specific night where I was in so much pain that I started to cry while he was in me. He literally just wiped my tears and continued. It was the first time I realized that he had absolutely no concern for how I felt. He used to give me fake compliments just so that I would please him physically. Needless to say, I didn't sleep with him after that.

Do you think that my sexual fears are because the only guy that I ever had sex with was bad to me? Or is it a physical problem? Either way, can it be fixed?

You to get help. Hiding it away is the worst thing you can do.

My husband is absolutely nothing like that guy. He is very loving and caring and I feel guilty that I am not able to give him the physical satisfaction that he deserves. I feel like we should get an annulment/divorce so that he can be happy with someone else who is not messed up like me.

Your H will need to know. I wouldn't be afraid. He maybe your biggest help. The problem is if you keep this hidden it will probably end your marriage. He's your husband!!!

I understand that you may not give professional advice but this is the first time I have come out with my problem in public. So, any help would be appreciated.
Good luck to you
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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 08:50 PM
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Re: Haven't had sex in 2 years of marriage

Whatever you do, go to your husband TODAY and let him know how much you love him and how much attraction you feel for him. Tell him you're going to work on your fears.

The problem is that for most men, our "love language" is physical affection and sex. When our wives give themselves to us physically, we feel loved. It makes us feel like men and is important for our identity.

Your husband might be silently hurting, wondering why he's not your Prince Charming. Trust me, I've been there. Make sure he understands that he IS!
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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 09:20 PM
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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:30 AM
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Re: Haven't had sex in 2 years of marriage

Thank you for sharing such intimate details of your life with us. It is an honor to walk your journey with you.

That said, I want to come at this from a slightly different angle. Anger. Do you feel anger at the jerk who mistreated you all those years ago? If so, great, we can use that to help you heal. If not, think long and hard about why you do not feel worthy / able / justified to feel anger toward him. You see, the anger you feel toward your attacker can help you overcome your fear of sex.

That guy stole something from you. Something precious. Something that you were entitled to have for yourself. Joy from sex. Something that you were entitled to share with your husband. Joy from sex. And that jerk stole it from you. But you know what? You can get it back. You can rebuild it within yourself.

That jerk who mistreated you is still in your life. Still inside your body. Still controlling you. Just as he forced himself on you in the past You need to expel him. Sort of like an exorcism. You need to evict him. You need to take back control. You need to reclaim ownership of your sexuality. You need to look at the memory of that jerk in your mind and shout "I am not allowing you to spend one more minute standing between me and my husband. I am not going to spend one more minute letting you hold my sexuality in your dirty thieving hands. It is mine. I am taking it back. And you can't stop me!"

Not everyone finds it helpful to frame things the way I described. If you do not, no biggie. Get some help and work toward healing in whatever way resonates for you. The path you take is not important. What is important is that you keep moving forward. Do the work. Fight the fight. Do not let the jerk win. Do whatever it takes for you to win back full ownership of every aspect of yourself. You deserve no less. it may well be difficult and painful. But it is so worth it. For you. And your husband. Together you guys can banish the jerk's memory to the deep dark hole where it belongs. And walk hand in hand toward a bright and warm future together.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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