My husband and I have been married for 2 years now but we haven't had sex yet. We tried a few times but I had to ask him to stop because I was too nervous and felt pain. He is an amazing man and I love him but I am just too scared to have sex. I have initiated it many times and I gave oral several times but when it comes to penetration, I just chicken out.
I haven't told my husband this but I feel like I need to mention it : A few years ago I had a "relationship" (none of our friends knew about it) with a guy who basically was friends with me just so that he could sleep with me. I kept him at a distance for many months but then we used to go out for drinks every now and then. Even drunk, I was pretty strict about not wanting to sleep with him. One day, we were talking about an ex-boyfriend of mine and it made me emotional and I drank more than I wanted to. He took me home, things got out of hand and we had sex. I was too vulnerable and it made me feel good to have someone take interest in me. But that was the only time I felt good. Since then we used to have sex often but it was always with no foreplay, painful and all about him. I NEVER had an orgasm in all those times. I actually remember a specific night where I was in so much pain that I started to cry while he was in me. He literally just wiped my tears and continued. It was the first time I realized that he had absolutely no concern for how I felt. He used to give me fake compliments just so that I would please him physically. Needless to say, I didn't sleep with him after that.
Do you think that my sexual fears are because the only guy that I ever had sex with was bad to me? Or is it a physical problem? Either way, can it be fixed?
My husband is absolutely nothing like that guy. He is very loving and caring and I feel guilty that I am not able to give him the physical satisfaction that he deserves. I feel like we should get an annulment/divorce so that he can be happy with someone else who is not messed up like me.
I understand that you may not give professional advice but this is the first time I have come out with my problem in public. So, any help would be appreciated.
Firstly, can I just take this opportunity to honour you for opening up about this. It's not easy at all and the courage that you are showing is your first step towards healing.
I agree with a number of the other posts. Unfortunately, the negative experiences that you have had with the other guy has created a negative conditioned response to sex. Let me explain this better...
You know when you go on a holiday and you might hear a particular song? Then you come back home and you hear that same song and suddenly you are mentally and emotionally transported back to the holiday? Well it's essentially the same but on a negative level towards sex. It can absolutely be healed but it's a case of whether you want to do it with a band-aid or whether you want to truly heal it at it's core.
As one of the other's pointed out, it's probably worth going to a doctor and just double checking that nothing is physically wrong for you but my guess at this stage is that the negative past experiences is ultimately creating a level of pain for you.
Now in terms of your husband - I know you know, but you are truly blessed to have him in your life and he can actually be instrumental in the healing process for you. I would strongly recommend discussing this with him. Not just for the reason of openness, but also because it will bring out the protective mechanism in him and he will want to do everything in his power to help you heal. He sounds like a lovely, patient guy and I can assure you that he will be there for you on so many levels if he truly knows what you've been through.
Forgiveness is also a big part of your journey towards healing. When we truly forgive both others and ourselves, we open the door to love - and ultimately love is the greatest healing force.
So thank you again for opening up.
I hope the message above helps.
If you have any further questions, let me know.