Husband's sudden obsession with hot wife/cuckold/swinging - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:21 AM Thread Starter
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Husband's sudden obsession with hot wife/cuckold/swinging

Seriously confused about what is going on with him. I doubt he's having an affair - if this happens to be something that triggers it or maybe I'm just more aware of it, I don't know. He's getting to work at 7am and downloading porn videos to his phone, watching it after he gets home, watching the videos while he is on the toilet, etc. Now I noticed he downloaded a "private browser and downloader" a couple days ago, in which I asked him. He was all like well I use it to keep the kids out of my phone and so I can safely share these videos with you. It's an excuse! The kids have NEVER touched his phone and they are well aware to never touch without asking first! That's another thing I'm confused on! They have their own devices and electronics. Our sex life hasn't changed in any way about this except he's asked me to swing or find another guy to have sex with while he watches,. I'm not willing to, and I feel bad about not willing to fulfill this fantasy and he's ok with this - Not pressuring me which I'm grateful for.
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post #2 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:26 AM
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Re: Husband's sudden obsession with hot wife/cuckold/swinging

For most people swinging is best left as a fantasy. Don't feel bad about not doing it - for the great majority of people this leads to huge problems. (I'm fine with the small minority for whom swinging works, but it is a small minority).

If he is asking for swinging and sharing porn videos with you, but still adding security to his phone, it may be that there is some other interest that he is hiding. Is it possible that he is bi-curious or has some other kink that he is embarrassed to admit? That isn't necessarily a problem if he can talk about it.
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post #3 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 11:06 AM
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Re: Husband's sudden obsession with hot wife/cuckold/swinging

How old are you and your husband, OP? If he's late 30's, early 40's, it could be a sort of midlife crisis, a curiosity about things he never got to experience. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, but to get it out of his system I think he may need to share more with you about his thinking and feeling. It's good that you have clear boundaries, and it's very good that he's not pressuring - it's also good that you're not judging or shaming him, as that would only push him to hide things completely, and that's not healthy for either of you or your marriage.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #4 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 11:18 AM
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Re: Husband's sudden obsession with hot wife/cuckold/swinging

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Originally Posted by sevenfortyeight View Post
.... I doubt he's having an affair -

He's getting to work at 7am and downloading porn videos to his phone, watching it after he gets home, watching the videos while he is on the toilet, etc.

......Our sex life hasn't changed in any way about this except he's asked me to swing or find another guy to have sex with while he watches,. I'm not willing to, and I feel bad about not willing to fulfill this fantasy and he's ok with this - Not pressuring me which I'm grateful for.
You have a great attitude, you care for you family and H, and you understand the situation. Well done.

He probably has a porn addiction. Talk to him and ask if for you and the sake of your family he can scale back on the porn addiction and use the time to do something else, something constructive. Tell him you will support him, as you know it will be hard. Tell him that you would like the two of you to go to marriage counseling about it.

Many fantasies should be just that things that never become real. Adding a third person sexually, would likely ruin your marriage and I would advice against it. However, you and he get to decide what your really want. I wouldn't do it.

If you want to fuflill his fantasy, tell him that it must stay a fantasy and not real, but that you will allow him to explore his fantasy via roleplaying, if he will stop watching porn and pay more attention to you. There is an interesting video of a TED talk, that discusses how a woman might allow her husband to fantasize about a FMF 3-some. It involves thought but not action, action but not touch, etc. It could also work with his cuckhold fantasy. That is you could do a role playing MFM using the same techniques.


Skip to the 10 minute mark to learn about "monogomish" and a way of role playing that should not violate your marriage.


Personally, I would suggest you not fulfill his fantasy and instead get some counseling for the two of you.

Good luck.
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post #5 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 11:19 AM
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Re: Husband's sudden obsession with hot wife/cuckold/swinging

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Originally Posted by sevenfortyeight View Post
Seriously confused about what is going on with him.
Awkwardly enough this is a relatively common fantasy that men have, and unfortunately it is glorified by the porn industry.

It is important that you two talk about this. Perhaps the two of you may enjoy role playing a little in a way that uses this fantasy to enhance monogamous lovemaking, or perhaps you ask ask him to keep that fantasy limited to him just watching porn videos.

If you want to have some fun with this and be a little playful, put some virtual reality goggles and headphones on him and set up a remote camera to allow him to "watch" the two of you in real time from a different point of view. Perhaps setup the camera so he gets to watch as if he is hiding in the closet. This way the two of you can act out a scenario where he gets to watch you with a man, but it is set up in such a way that he just happens to actually be the man that he is watching. Odds are he would get really excited about that idea if you mentioned it to him. This way it works out to keeping things just the two of you!

Regards,
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post #6 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 11:53 AM
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Re: Husband's sudden obsession with hot wife/cuckold/swinging

Too much porn not enough sweat.

He needs to work his body too exhaustion two or three times a week and stop watching porn.

Do not ever feel bad. You didn't sign up for this and he started it after you were married.

Folks that "start" after being monogamous their whole lives and with one less than 100% positive partner destroy themselves!

If he loves and respects you, he won't bring it up again as you have given him a solid no.

Does he work out?
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post #7 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 11:55 AM
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Re: Husband's sudden obsession with hot wife/cuckold/swinging

For some, this behavior may be normal but I think this sounds plain messed up. He's gotten himself hooked on some creepy porno ****. Imagine a respectable man married to a respectable woman asks her to have sex with another guy...while he watches??? I don't get this, perhaps others do but I would start thinking about getting rid of him or insist that he never again ask you to do such horrid things.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"

Last edited by jb02157; 03-31-2017 at 12:08 PM.
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post #8 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: Husband's sudden obsession with hot wife/cuckold/swinging

Once again, let it stay a fantasy. Opening your marriage is a recipe for disaster. Ask him how he would feel if you opened the marriage and you had partner after partner, and he did not. Oh yeah! The cuck fantasy, remember, it can be used against you.
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post #9 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 12:00 PM
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Re: Husband's sudden obsession with hot wife/cuckold/swinging

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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
How old are you and your husband, OP? If he's late 30's, early 40's, it could be a sort of midlife crisis, a curiosity about things he never got to experience. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, but to get it out of his system I think he may need to share more with you about his thinking and feeling. It's good that you have clear boundaries, and it's very good that he's not pressuring - it's also good that you're not judging or shaming him, as that would only push him to hide things completely, and that's not healthy for either of you or your marriage.
I agree with this and forgot to add in my last post that talking about desires,urges and fantasies should be safe and encouraged.

He should not keep asking you to actually cuckold him again but fantasies can be extremely fun.

As an experiment to understand others, I have put my head in the "lifestyle" and pretended I was swinging a couple of times with Mrs. Conan.

The sex was very hot and my climax was incredible!

Our sex life has improved since and we have super hot sex and incredible climaxes without fantasies as well.

It was not better but different and didn't hurt our relationship at all.
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post #10 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's sudden obsession with hot wife/cuckold/swinging

I'm 33 years old. We've been married for 15 years
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post #11 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's sudden obsession with hot wife/cuckold/swinging

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
Too much porn not enough sweat.

He needs to work his body too exhaustion two or three times a week and stop watching porn.

Do not ever feel bad. You didn't sign up for this and he started it after you were married.

Folks that "start" after being monogamous their whole lives and with one less than 100% positive partner destroy themselves!

If he loves and respects you, he won't bring it up again as you have given him a solid no.

Does he work out?
No he does not work out.
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post #12 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:21 PM
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Re: Husband's sudden obsession with hot wife/cuckold/swinging

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No he does not work out.
Then he should.

it will burn off some of that misguided sexual energy.
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post #13 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:36 PM
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Re: Husband's sudden obsession with hot wife/cuckold/swinging

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Originally Posted by sevenfortyeight View Post
Seriously confused about what is going on with him. I doubt he's having an affair - if this happens to be something that triggers it or maybe I'm just more aware of it, I don't know. He's getting to work at 7am and downloading porn videos to his phone, watching it after he gets home, watching the videos while he is on the toilet, etc. Now I noticed he downloaded a "private browser and downloader" a couple days ago, in which I asked him. He was all like well I use it to keep the kids out of my phone and so I can safely share these videos with you. It's an excuse! The kids have NEVER touched his phone and they are well aware to never touch without asking first! That's another thing I'm confused on! They have their own devices and electronics. Our sex life hasn't changed in any way about this except he's asked me to swing or find another guy to have sex with while he watches,. I'm not willing to, and I feel bad about not willing to fulfill this fantasy and he's ok with this - Not pressuring me which I'm grateful for.
Gross, don't feel bad about it. You have a right to your own boundaries. He shouldn't be downloading porn at work.
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post #14 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:40 PM
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Re: Husband's sudden obsession with hot wife/cuckold/swinging

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Originally Posted by sevenfortyeight View Post
No he does not work out.
That needs to be remedied. The physical pain/discomfort from intense work or exercise is necessary for health, both physical and mental.

He is most probably warping his perceptions by not exercising and rotting his mind with porn to stimulate him.

Can you talk to him about this?

He seems to love and respect you.
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post #15 of 21 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 08:05 AM
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Re: Husband's sudden obsession with hot wife/cuckold/swinging

there is another much longer thread on here about cuckolding, i suggest you read it. has some good ideas and a few warnings.

Does he have any sort of sexual dysfunction? he might be afraid he can not fully satisfy you sexually, and instead of you going to look outside the marriage and ending in divorce, maybe he is trying to find a way for you to be sexually happy but still be part of your sex life?

as far to as actual hotwifing, i suggest role playing it first...maybe it is all in his head, and his dressing up and pretending to be someone else is all he needs.
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