Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 10:52 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Additionally, I do believe porn can easily be a strong factor in your performance issues and desire for your wife.

Check out, "Your Brain on Porn." While I do think some of the material there is a little strong, I do believe that regular porn use does definitely have a negative impact on sexual desire and performance in real life.

It simply makes sense. If you are draining your tank and relieving your sexual energies for a computer screen, it's not a stretch of the imagination to realize that you are going to have less desire and less mojo for your real life sexual activities.

If you stop looking at porn and stop spanking, your tank will naturally start filling up again and your mojo and your desire will start building again and you will start finding real life women, including your wife attractive and desirable again.

When you are watching dozens of hardbodied 18-20 year olds flailing and screaming and begging for sex and are spanking to that all the time, it is easy to see how a normal 30something woman in real life is going to pale by comparison. Your brain gets so used to that level of stimulation and your penis gets so used to the firm grip of your hand, that you simply become desensitized to real women and real sex.

But the good news is that can all be "reset" and your mojo and libido and attraction to real women can return once you stop pulling up Brazilian Orgy Porn and stop spanking.

If you have been a hard, chronic user for a long time, it may take a few months to reset your brain and reset your attraction and desire circuits, but it will happen.
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post #17 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 11:06 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Are you absolutely sure you want a child and are not just doing it for her?

You should be able to compromise on your sex life - romantic sometimes, hot and steamy others. If you have sex frequently you don't need to worry about timing, just alternate times where its directed toward one or the other of your interests.
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post #18 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Are you committed to quitting porn? The contrast effect likely plays a huge role in the dissatisfaction of sex with your wife.
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post #19 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrCymbals View Post
I mentioned Viagra to my wife but she despises the idea, calling it fake (my logic was at least it got us having sex). She has also put on some weight over the years, not much, maybe 20 pounds while I have lost weight and gained muscle due to rigorous gym routine. She goes to the gym too but less often.

She doesn't shave her legs as often as she used to nor trim her private areas as much. This makes sex less attractive to me. I keep up with myself in these areas. She will wear sexy lingerie to try and provoke the mood but I still can't get into it unless we're being very passionate. Again, I feel this a side effect of using porn as a replacement for sex.

The few times that sex does work, I believe it's because it's steamy, hot, and passionate. My wife tends to want it slow, romantic, etc. We can't find a middle ground. This putting a lot of stress on our marriage especially when we're trying to start a family.
While blaming it all on porn is the easy answer, you can't overlook the OTHER elements that are contributing to the OP's issues.

While some very idealistic women think men should just automatically find their wives sexually attractive JUST because they love them, I think that's a bit deluded, at best. You can love someone and still not be able to find a lot of attraction toward them - especially when that person can't be bothered to bring her A game to the table. The OP clearly stated that HE takes the time to work out and look good (of course he does it for himself first, but she still gets the benefit of it) and he takes the time to make sure he does his personal grooming which again - she benefits from.

She on the other hand, has gained 20 pounds and obviously doesn't care. Plus, she can't be bothered to spend some time with a razor and shave her legs and private area because she's too lazy. How sexy can the lingerie she throws on LOOK when she's got pubic hair all over her groins and leg hair all over her legs? That's just nasty. It's obviously not some kind of personal or religious 'belief' that prevents her from shaving because the OP clearly stated she USED to do it and has just let it go by the wayside. So it's pure laziness, plain and simple.

On top of this, she has to have sex a certain way or it's no go. It 'has' to be romantic and slow every time. What a snoozefest. I don't watch porn and I STILL find it to be a snoozefest, so not everything the OP thinks or feels is due to his 'porn usage.' If I made that stipulation to my husband that it always had to be romantic, he'd blow his brains out.

Then she's *****ing about Viagra and how 'fake' it is.

I don't know, but to ME, it seems like the only one doing the heavy lifting to try to get this back on course is the OP while his wife continues ignoring what razors and gyms were invented for, continues to be closed-minded by insisting on only "romantic sex" all the time, and crying about Viagra being 'fake.' Honestly, if I were a man I'd be finding it real hard too.
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post #20 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 07:10 PM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

I have some questions, OP.

How often do you watch porn? When you masturbate, do you grip yourself really hard? Because men can become conditioned to that really hard grip and not be able to perform to completion with an actual partner. If that's the case, you need to stop the porn or the masturbation technique, and condition yourself to a much lighter touch. Please refer to Dan Savage's columns if this is the case. He has some great advice to offer.

I will agree with the other posters who acknowledge that sex on an ovulation schedule becomes work. Especially if the two of you weren't having sex on a regular basis, and you weren't. Additionally, you are both busy, especially you.

If your wife has gained weight, that's a legitimate issue as well.

Do the two of you have similar drives? If you don't, I would advise against having a child, or continuing this marriage.

I am going to advise counseling for the two of you. Please don't just mindlessly bring a child into this union. It sounds like the two of you have more issues to deal with.

I wish only the best for you.
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post #21 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 07:11 PM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

And honestly, your wife should be doing basic grooming on a daily basis. That's a big deal, at least to me. I'm assuming you are doing the same.
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post #22 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 08:41 PM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Alright, these things don't match up:
Quote:
We've been "trying" as much as time permits and have done everything we've heard and read about
Quote:
We weren't have sex actively for months at a time and I would use online porn to satisfy myself.
Chicken or Egg?

You've got a lot going on in your life. Is the lack of 'trying' because you're never around? If so, What can you cut out of your life to have more time with her?

Based on your post, it seems like the big deal is that you're just not attracted to her. Unless there's some specific porn you're into, it's probably not the porn itself you're conditioned to.

Ask the ladies around here what might motivate them to take more care of themselves as far as weight or grooming goes.

So, let's see:
You're never around.
Stressed because you're doing too much.
Can't get it up/keep it up anyway because your wife is a grizzly.

Ok, we'll separate out from that for a little bit...

As far as trying for a baby, why are you waiting at all to have her plumbing checked out? When my wife and I were trying, it was straight from "hmm, things don't seem to be working" to me jizzing in a cup, to her scheduling tests the moment the lab called me to give me an auditory high five.

But you might want to take it easy right now anyway until you and her can come to some sort of happy medium that ends up with your p in her v on the reg.

Back to the sex stuff....

It might be a difficult road ahead for you. You can try Viagra all you want and it will probably help but that stuffs for dudes with serious problems or crusty old men. You sound like a healthy dude and the problem is upstairs for one reason or another. Like, if you ever have morning wood, or can spank it for hours watching porn: you don't need Viagra. Viagra's the 'easy' way out I think and it won't really solve anything else except that you can get/stay hard.

The road ahead should be addressing how you can make your life less stressful, more time with your wife, and what it is going to take for you to be attracted to her again.

Warning though: I know how it goes. Can't get/keep it up a few times and all of a sudden a big, brand-new bright LED PERFORMANCE ANXIETY billboard starts flashing across the street right into your bedroom window and ruins everything. So my warning is that even when things start coming together, it will still take a bit of time for the stuff upstairs to straighten itself out and allow the blood to flow from your anxious mind down to your penis.

Last edited by toblerone; 04-02-2017 at 08:48 PM.
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post #23 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 07:33 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by megamuppet View Post
S Maybe she thinks that her husband is moaning about her overgrown lady garden too much and is dreading having children which will ruin her body for a while, how will her husband cope with that!
Yup. If he's losing it over a bit of body hair and 20lbs, no way he'll be able to handle the baby body.
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post #24 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 08:20 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
I'm going to be attacked for saying this, but hey I dont care.
I think it's very simple: you dont find your wife as attractive as you used to due to the fact that she "settled" in your relationship. You mentioned that you work on yourself while she doesnt. She gained 20 pounds, does not take care of her private parts...
I would be kind of freaking out too my friend! I sympathize with you! Seriousuly. How can you get it up? Yeah viagra will work but like many guys you are also a visual person, and for you sex is 90% what you see. I wouldnt be surprised if you were looking at other women in a lustful way already.

How tall is your wife? 20 pounds can be a lot and change your entire perception of her femininity and sexuality. Hence, you dont get it up anymore.
I agree and would urge you to really consider if you want kids with her. If it seems that you are having big problems in your marriage that could cause it to end, you should be concerned. She has what she wants in the marriage and it trying to get the last piece. It seems you are far from that.

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post #25 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 08:54 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrCymbals View Post

ME: 35-years old
-Day job
-Freelance work on nights and weekends (on and off)
-Active gym goer (3-5 days a week)
-In School part time for my masters (2 courses a semester)
-DIY house projects when time permits
-Currently on a mild dose of sleep medication for insomnia (likely stress related)

WIFE: 31-years old
-Day job
-Semi-Extreme Couponer
-Has a few DIY house projects going on
There's a couple putting all these things first before the marriage.

Make time for each other, try spend an hour each night together, like when you were dating, you made time for each other then.

Your marriage needs to be maintained like those DIY projects on your house, if you never fix anything or work on it, well it falls apart.

Have an honest conversation with each other about the problems and if a baby is a good idea right now with the current state of the marriage. You're losing attraction for each other, you're not making an effort for each other.

Cut down on the porn.

Make time for real intimacy, you might have to work on fixing the emotional issues before the sex can be back to exciting again. Maybe counseling can help.

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post #26 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:10 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Excessive stress in daily life increases a brain chemical called cortisol, which in turn reduces testosterone, which leads to erectile dysfunction. Your doctor can order blood test to determine your cortisol and testosterone levels. Also, try reducing porn and masterbation (see nofap). Good luck.
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post #27 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:16 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Ok. 10years is enough to become a routine sexual or clinical matter making sex as someone here nicely mwntioned that. But i am not going to repeat what was said cause it is unusefull. What is the truth about men and women? This was not said because simply it is against the law but to phone to get a **** online is permitted with visa card. Dear brothers :men are not really made like women it is as simple as it seems to be. Men has more hormons, testosteron and produce even billions of spermatozoiids while a woman has one egg a month or 2maximaum. So naturally we are made to have more sex, more kids than women and love more than a woman. Not only that. Studies in human psychology of couples said that a woman could only love a si gle men at time even if she is a ****. A man can easily love all the women he have seen yesterday on the street. Men do not really make difference between sexual needs and love because they are made like that. Some cultures like Muslims or Mormons permit to have a poligamy in family and everybody knows about everybody so no cheating, no adultery, no divorce and even more. If you have 3women at home an 1of them is professionally activ with you, you can easily sustain both the other 2ladies and everyone has its duty at home and out. But it is illegal only if you said that you are friends and just it. So do not **** your friends. Think abou it and believe me or not this is the best solution because it is a God solution and not a federal solution. God knows better because he create us and not the state creates us.

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post #28 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 10:25 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrCymbals View Post
I think the mental pressure (anxiety?) is what has broken this for us. I want to "let it go" but am not sure how. Ideally I'd not have to take another pill; kinda feeling like "Got a problem? There's a pill for that!"
If your wife does not want you to take viagra, odds are that along with your anxiety that she is struggling with issues as well. I have read many instances of where men take one, it works "too well," and for whatever reason the wife will find this emotionally unsettling. Perhaps she feels like she is having sex with a blue pill as opposed to a husband that is attracted to her as a result of being emotionally close.

Here is my advice: DO NOT masturbate with porn. Use it as much as you like, but only use it as a mental stimulate to cultivate arousal. Essentially use it only for "edging" as this will build up your overall desire for sex as well as your testosterone levels (by refraining from orgasm). Each time you orgasm , the male body releases hormones to counteract testosterone. So if you only allow yourself to get aroused by porn and refrain from an orgasm with it, this build testosterone in your body. This allows you to continue using porn & actually benefit from it hormonally without needing any medication.

If you do feel the need to masturbate solo to an orgasm, DO NOT use porn! Try and meditate about your wife and try to find ways to enjoy fantasizing about her. What this will do is condition your mind to enjoy thinking of your wife and to associate the joy of an orgasm with her. Odds are if you use this method of self discovery you will find some creative new ideas to explore with your wife in your mind, and then you can enjoy the curiosity to try them with her for real. Your desire for your wife needs some form of "curiosity" in order to thrive. Your drive to orgasm will fuel that curiosity in ways that should be healthy and will attribute them to being easily aroused while you are with your wife.

As far as you anxiety while having sex with your wife. Try to focus solely on an emotional connection with her. If you have an orgasm great, and if you do not have one that is OK as well. Try talking to her about exactly that and make sure that you both agree to that and that one or the other will not feel emotionally hurt for when and if it does not happen. Odds are you will go through a couple of times where you feel like it will not happen, and can refocus you efforts on just feeling close to your wife. Eventually this will relieve this anxiety and things will just happen naturally.

As for porn, you will eventually condition you brain that orgasm=wife. Porn≠orgasm but may help fuel some curiosity towards ideas you may wish to try. But hopefully you will find that porn≠ideas for new things to try, but you will find written erotica=ideas as the written descriptions often provide "context" for ideas that porn never conveys or can not convey.

Hope that helps,
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post #29 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 06:40 PM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Yeah, porn addiction.

And you don't want a child. Your relationship will explode if you have a child. Just my opinion.

Personally I think you can't perform for two reasons. You are addicted to porn, which ruins your ability to see real life as exciting. And your subconscious recognizes the incorrectness of having a child in that mess. You have no time for a child. All you two will do is farm it out to a caregiver, anyway.

I also suspect you don't love your wife, which is why you keep so busy, and that's another reason to have trouble with getting an erection for the purpose of getting her pregnant. You two are building a life, but not a life together.

But hey, that's just my opinion.
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post #30 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 10:14 PM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

I found myself in your position earlier than 30. We too could not have kids and first I was tested and found to be sterile. Later on my wife underwent an operation on her ovaries and the doctor took me aside and started to tell me that my wife had too much scar tissue for her eggs to adhere to. I told him that I was sterile so the news was not changing anything. In our day we did not have all the artificial ways to get pregnant. The only option was adoption and even then was a very long time wait. My wife ended up eliminating intercourse from our marriage due to the pain and no hope of getting pregnant. We cannot remember the last time we has intercourse. Yet, we still had a great sex life.

My wife took the lead and we did some wife swapping and group sex but did not enjoy sex with people we had no emotional feelings for, if only friendship. My wife then turned to inviting her girlfriends to join us in bed using me as bait. Long story short, we ended up inviting her best friend to live with us and she was in our life for most of our 44 year marriage.


As someone else said, the whole relationship lockdown breeds an almost viral tendency to take the other person for granted, to have huge expectations, and to deliver this all from a sense of duty and obligation — without a thank you! That is so true in many marriages and probably where you are at now. You need to do something to get out of your rut. Does not have to be sex with others but spice up your sex life with a small fetish or role playing. Most of all, let your wife know every day how desirable she is to you. I will hug my wife and moan in pleasure or kiss her goodnight in a sexual way. If she feels sexy, she will be sexy. It has worked well for me. I even feign a little jealousy about any man she happens to meet. What that does is tell her that I think she is hot enough to be attracted to other men. You need to build her up and make her feel sexy. Tell her that you want to have sex differently the next time you are in bed. Put a blindfold on her or tie her up and then tease her until she is begging for an orgasm or she can do that to you. You do not have to buy whips and leather boots to get kinky.

If I can get a 64 year old woman with graying hair to feel sexy as hell, it should not be difficult to do so with your wife. Great sex is borne of great sexual communication. If I am aroused by something, my wife knows about it. We are not shy about telling each other what works or does not. If it get boring, one of us will say so and try something new. Give it a shot because most of the cheating married women I know, said that the reason they cheat is because their husbands took them for granted. Their husbands did not make them feel sexy and desirable anymore. They did not take them out to places where they could wear a sexy or pretty dress, put on the makeup and have others look at her so she feels attractive. Guys usually cheat for sex that they cannot get from their wives. The number one request to prostitutes is oral sex. If you do not do something about your current situation, bad things can happen, very bad things. What we all have to remember is that our sex life in marriage is as important to it as anything else. Turning all your attention to your kids and then ending up divorced due to love fading away due to lack of sex which fuels your body with Oxytocin, the hormone that emotionally bonds you together, is not a good way to go.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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