Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 08:30 AM Thread Starter
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Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Hello

Firstly, I appreciate and welcome any advice and constructive criticism. My wife and I have been together for nearing 10-years; married for almost 4. The issue is we live very busy lives. There's a little back story so please bear with me.

ME: 35-years old
-Day job
-Freelance work on nights and weekends (on and off)
-Active gym goer (3-5 days a week)
-In School part time for my masters (2 courses a semester)
-DIY house projects when time permits
-Currently on a mild dose of sleep medication for insomnia (likely stress related)

WIFE: 31-years old
-Day job
-Semi-Extreme Couponer
-Has a few DIY house projects going on

We've been wanting a family for years now. We've been "trying" as much as time permits and have done everything we've heard and read about (monitoring temperature, having sex a few days before ovulation and a few days after), using Pre-Seed, etc. I've even had an ultrasound done on my "boys" and had a sperm sample taken and doctor says I appear to be ok. Wife hasn't had any tests done yet but agreed to if we don't have success before August 2017.

Now on to the real issue; sex has become boring for me. We weren't have sex actively for months at a time and I would use online porn to satisfy myself. I think I may be too conditioned to porn and that is why sex has become boring. I find it difficult to get aroused but I want to have sex. This wasn't a problem for us in the early days (yes, I know everything is hot and heavy in the beginning). We've tried toys, books, games, etc to provoke the mood but most do not work. I'm unable to get it up and am likely mentally stressing over that which adds to the problem. This isn't easy to just "stop doing." I'm not sure if it qualifies as anxiety.

I mentioned Viagra to my wife but she despises the idea, calling it fake (my logic was at least it got us having sex). She has also put on some weight over the years, not much, maybe 20 pounds while I have lost weight and gained muscle due to rigorous gym routine. She goes to the gym too but less often.

She doesn't shave her legs as often as she used to nor trim her private areas as much. This makes sex less attractive to me. I keep up with myself in these areas. She will wear sexy lingerie to try and provoke the mood but I still can't get into it unless we're being very passionate. Again, I feel this a side effect of using porn as a replacement for sex.

The few times that sex does work, I believe it's because it's steamy, hot, and passionate. My wife tends to want it slow, romantic, etc. We can't find a middle ground. This putting a lot of stress on our marriage especially when we're trying to start a family.

Again, I welcome and all advice and it is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
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post #2 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 08:35 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Are you sure you are compatible as a couple, enough to want to bring children into this mix? You are both too concerned with other things, and not nearly enough with each other. This alienation will only increase when you add a child, IMO. I think it would be wise to fix your relationship and sex life now, because it won't happen later - more likely, divorce will happen later.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #3 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 08:39 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Two things:

First, having sex mainly to have a baby is probably taking a little bit of the fun out of it. You were already going long stretches of time without sex, now it's 'scheduled' and things are monitored, and times are selected. It winds up being somewhat clinical, and there's a goal attached - and that isn't your (or her) pleasure.

Second - viagra. I've never taken it, but I can point to a recent example from a friend of ours. Her husband acquired a pill from his buddy, who basically urged him to try it. He didn't need it (no erectile issues, etc.), and he let it sit for a long time.

One day, the wife says 'hey, try the pill just for the hell of it', so he did. According to her, they had the greatest sex they'd ever had, and they'd been together for ~10 years. It was hours of sex, with little breaks in between. He never went soft. Apparently he was normally one-and-done, and not a long-laster, either (TMI for us, lol). This changed that.

I've heard of similar reports of men taking viagra when it's not a necessity, with similar results. Perhaps others on here can attest to that.

Personally, I'm intrigued, but my wife and I also don't ever have hours and hours to have sex (kids, aaargh). One of these days, though!

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #4 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 08:49 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

You say you've tried toys and games. How about watching porn together? It may help both of you get in the mood and then you can concentrate on her (and maybe leave it on in the background for fun).
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post #5 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 08:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

I mentioned this idea to her but she felt uneasy. She feels depressed because I need porn get aroused where she is not enough.
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post #6 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 08:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Thanks for the detailed reply. I might try to find someone who can get me a single Viagra pill, maybe even half a normal one. I think we're in a "funk" right now and just need to get back on course.
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post #7 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 08:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

We sort of thought the same thing about not being as interested in each other. We implemented a mandatory "us time" daily of at least 30-minutes. Sometimes we watch TV, sometimes I help her clean up dinner, sometimes we play cards, sometimes we have sex (or at least try to).

I think the mental pressure (anxiety?) is what has broken this for us. I want to "let it go" but am not sure how. Ideally I'd not have to take another pill; kinda feeling like "Got a problem? There's a pill for that!"
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post #8 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrCymbals View Post
Hello

Firstly, I appreciate and welcome any advice and constructive criticism. My wife and I have been together for nearing 10-years; married for almost 4. The issue is we live very busy lives. There's a little back story so please bear with me.

ME: 35-years old
-Day job
-Freelance work on nights and weekends (on and off)
-Active gym goer (3-5 days a week)
-In School part time for my masters (2 courses a semester)
-DIY house projects when time permits
-Currently on a mild dose of sleep medication for insomnia (likely stress related)

WIFE: 31-years old
-Day job
-Semi-Extreme Couponer
-Has a few DIY house projects going on

We've been wanting a family for years now. We've been "trying" as much as time permits and have done everything we've heard and read about (monitoring temperature, having sex a few days before ovulation and a few days after), using Pre-Seed, etc. I've even had an ultrasound done on my "boys" and had a sperm sample taken and doctor says I appear to be ok. Wife hasn't had any tests done yet but agreed to if we don't have success before August 2017.

Now on to the real issue; sex has become boring for me. We weren't have sex actively for months at a time and I would use online porn to satisfy myself. I think I may be too conditioned to porn and that is why sex has become boring. I find it difficult to get aroused but I want to have sex. This wasn't a problem for us in the early days (yes, I know everything is hot and heavy in the beginning). We've tried toys, books, games, etc to provoke the mood but most do not work. I'm unable to get it up and am likely mentally stressing over that which adds to the problem. This isn't easy to just "stop doing." I'm not sure if it qualifies as anxiety.

I mentioned Viagra to my wife but she despises the idea, calling it fake (my logic was at least it got us having sex). She has also put on some weight over the years, not much, maybe 20 pounds while I have lost weight and gained muscle due to rigorous gym routine. She goes to the gym too but less often.

She doesn't shave her legs as often as she used to nor trim her private areas as much. This makes sex less attractive to me. I keep up with myself in these areas. She will wear sexy lingerie to try and provoke the mood but I still can't get into it unless we're being very passionate. Again, I feel this a side effect of using porn as a replacement for sex.

The few times that sex does work, I believe it's because it's steamy, hot, and passionate. My wife tends to want it slow, romantic, etc. We can't find a middle ground. This putting a lot of stress on our marriage especially when we're trying to start a family.

Again, I welcome and all advice and it is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
I'm going to be attacked for saying this, but hey I dont care.
I think it's very simple: you dont find your wife as attractive as you used to due to the fact that she "settled" in your relationship. You mentioned that you work on yourself while she doesnt. She gained 20 pounds, does not take care of her private parts...
I would be kind of freaking out too my friend! I sympathize with you! Seriousuly. How can you get it up? Yeah viagra will work but like many guys you are also a visual person, and for you sex is 90% what you see. I wouldnt be surprised if you were looking at other women in a lustful way already.

How tall is your wife? 20 pounds can be a lot and change your entire perception of her femininity and sexuality. Hence, you dont get it up anymore.
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post #9 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

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Originally Posted by MrCymbals View Post
I mentioned this idea to her but she felt uneasy. She feels depressed because I need porn get aroused where she is not enough.
You know, in a married women's life comes that moment when she asks herself this question: "Is love enough?".

Because you guys clearly love each other, but the questions is, IS IT ENOUGH?
I myself have this struggle with my wife now and working it out. She understands porn, does not watch it with me, but she is fine with it and thinks its just normal.
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post #10 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 10:05 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Stop watching porn! FFS I totally don't understand it. Why watch people you will never have, when the person you are supposed to love is RIGHT there! Jeeeze. If you think she has let herself go, she will know that she has. She might now feel inaqequate and unable to compete with the women that you watch?
We dont all look like porn stars and keeping well maintained takes tome and effort. Maybe she also feel sad / guilty / depressed about babies not happening yet. Maybe she thinks that her husband is moaning about her overgrown lady garden too much and is dreading having children which will ruin her body for a while, how will her husband cope with that!

Gently encourage her, pay for some pampering for her if needed. Support her to make the best of herself. If you feel like this before kids, god help you afterwards!

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post #11 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 10:11 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

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Stop watching porn! FFS I totally don't understand it. Why watch people you will never have, when the person you are supposed to love is RIGHT there! Jeeeze. If you think she has let herself go, she will know that she has.
Thats the issue here: he does love her, he just doesnt find her attractive, those are two very different things. And he is not "supposed" to love anybody. You cannot order somebody to love another person, not even oneself.

What he is asking is "what am I supposed to do to get it up again so I can show my wife I love her".
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post #12 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 10:24 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

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Thats the issue here: he does love her, he just doesnt find her attractive, those are two very different things. And he is not "supposed" to love anybody. You cannot order somebody to love another person, not even oneself.

What he is asking is "what am I supposed to do to get it up again so I can show my wife I love her".
I thought if you married someone you loved them?? Silly me!

I am not ordering anyone to love anyone, the point I am making is that be signing up to someone for life, via marriage, you are entering into something that is supposed to be loving and respectful to each other.

Rubbing one out to porn and then getting frustrated because your wife doesnt want sex with you because " she is depressed that I watch porn because she is not enough for me" is neither loving or respectful.

My advice would be to ditch the porn, go to the gym with her, encourage her to push herself a bit, put the baby issue on the back burner. This will only get worse as time goes on if you leave it.

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post #13 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

You need to stop watching porn until to work out how you feel about your relationship.

You need to get on the viagra. Your wife is being unreasonable (that was me once). Viagra can be used as a temporary fix for performance anxiety and lack of confidence - and VERY temporary at that. You still need to be attracted to your wife so its is not 'fake' at all. It just gets you over that fear of it not happening. I think a full erection may make you think a little different about your wife's body. Unable to get an erection or maintain it can be very confusing and distressing.

Once you stop with porn, you may start finding simple things about your wife become very appealing. It may be the way she wears her hair, her smile, making her giggle, a sexy blouse... I think you are scapegoating her flaws to make sense of your performance anxiety. Because none of us are perfect lovers or super models with perfect bodies, but some of us still manage mutually respectful sex life where we compromise and click and see beyond the superficial.
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post #14 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 10:42 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Multiple issues taking place here.

for starters if you think your life is busy and stressful now and that your sex life and your passion for your wife is lackluster now - throw a kid in the mix and your life will be a 3-ring circus, you both will be stressed to the breaking point and passion and sexuality will just be a distant memory.

A child makes all of those things exponentially WORSE!

Children can bring about the demise of healthy, happy marriages and sex lives.

You need to seriously reconsider whether adding a child into this situation is wise or not.
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post #15 of 30 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 10:52 AM
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Re: Married: sex life feels broken due to porn, anxiety, age, etc.

Dump the porn so you can concentrate on your wife.

The next time you get your hand down her pants say, "Mmmmmmm....this has been fun having your reforestation project, but let's change it up now and go for a bare kitty for a while, I'm in the mood for that."

She will take the hint, I know I would.

Ciao,

Spicy
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