I am Lost and need advice having very limited sex - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 09:18 AM Thread Starter
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Thumbs down I am Lost and need advice having very limited sex

Well, In the beginning our emotional connection, and sex was awesome. We were so happy and enjoying each other. This is both of ours 2nd go around. Both of us were cheated on in our first marriage. About 2 years ago my wife was told she had interstitial cystitis. She was given hormone creams, numbing prescriptions, and all other methods of treatment. I finally had another conversation with my wife about the lack of, or no sex in our marriage. I have made every attempt I know to try and draw our marital emotional part of our marriage closer. I have repeatedly asked her numerous times what is the problem and why she totally strings me along and does not want to have sex with me anymore. I am a high energy sexual type of person and believe that intimacy in the bedroom along with the emotional being is very important in any marriage, without out it you are just living together without any emotional intimacy in the marriage. When I tell you I have tried everything I really mean it, trying to fix our problems. You can lead a horse to water but you cant force it to drink. She finally told me the truth after multiple attempts to try and figure out what maybe I was doing, not doing, and what I could do to fix the problem of lack of desire, want, and any form of intimacy in our marriage. She finally admitted to me for the last 2 yeas after all the meds, creams, and etc that sex hurts her and she had been lying to me for the last 2 years saying things were getting better. I love her and will always will, till I die, but am having an extremely hard time accepting the fact that our marital status of marriage is no sex. I am not a selfish person and am sorry she has this pain and now it is the root cause. So all my efforts, all the excuses, rejection, and her not being available to me emotionally, and physically has got me spinning in my head. She finally admitted to me last night the reason. So at least I know that for the last 2 years of trying, trying, and trying to fix a broken marital, emotional connection between us is at a standstill. I told her thanks for telling me truth finally, and that I cant fix what is broken, and at least I can quit trying to, and putting myself through all the pain and suffering. I do not know if I can withstand a sexless marriage. I don understand and recognize her problem 100 percent and feel extremely sad for her and her medical problems. I am a very patient individual, caring, loving, and willing to do whatever I can to help with our problem. She told me she had been lying to me for years, and was just going through the motions for my behalf. How can I in good faith even have sex with her, if it ever comes about, which it wont unless I continue to press the issue with multiple rejections over and over, and knowing that if she does it hurts her. I am at a total loss at this point and our marriage is in the dump know that I know the so called truth, finally, if accurate.
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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 09:41 AM
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Re: I am Lost and need advice having very limited sex

Doctor, a Super Gyno.......get a second opinion. These things...."that" furry thing can be fixed.

I hope.

The below are some causes:


Vaginismus. This is a common condition. It involves an involuntary spasm in the vaginal muscles, sometimes caused by fear of being hurt.
Vaginal infections. These conditions are common and include yeast infections.
Problems with the cervix (opening to the uterus). In this case, the penis can reach the cervix at maximum penetration. So problems with the cervix (such as infections) can cause pain during deep penetration.
Problems with the uterus. These problems may include fibroids that can cause deep intercourse pain.
Endometriosis. This is a condition in which the tissue that lines the uterus grows outside the uterus.
Problems with the ovaries. Problems might include cysts on the ovaries.
Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID). With PID, the tissues deep inside become badly inflamed and the pressure of intercourse causes deep pain.
Ectopic pregnancy. This is a pregnancy in which a fertilized egg develops outside the uterus.
Menopause. With menopause, the vaginal lining can lose its normal moisture and become dry.
Intercourse too soon after surgery or childbirth.
Sexually transmitted diseases. These may include genital warts, herpes sores, or other STDs.
Injury to the vulva or vagina. These injuries may include a tear from childbirth or from a cut (episiotomy) made in the area of skin between the vagina and anus during labor.

Vulvodynia. This refers to chronic pain that affects a woman's external sexual organs -- collectively called the vulva -- including the labia, clitoris, and vaginal opening. It may occur in just one spot, or affect different areas from one time to the next. Doctors don't know what causes it, and there is no known cure. But self-care combined with medical treatments can help bring relief.

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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: I am Lost and need advice having very limited sex

There are para/quadraplegics, multiple amputees, burn victims, deaf, blind, diabetics, cancer patients, heart patients and millions of various people with a myriad of physical and other ailments and conditions having active and satisfying sex lives.

Where there is a will, there is a way. With the help of a gynecologist and perhaps a sex therapist, there will be a way for you two to have a healthy, happy and satisfying marital sex life.

Things may be 'different' than when you were young and vigorous, but there are treatments available and accommidations that can be made where both of you can be happy and satisfied to where you aren't dying a slow death of lack of intimacy and she isn't in pain.

Do not accept - painful intercourse = no sex or intimacy in the marriage.

There are treatments and therapies that can help any condition and there is a universe of other intimate and sexual activities to insure a continued sex life marital intimacy.
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 03:04 PM
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Re: I am Lost and need advice having very limited sex

Good story

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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 07:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I am Lost and need advice having very limited sex

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Originally Posted by oldshirt View Post
There are para/quadraplegics, multiple amputees, burn victims, deaf, blind, diabetics, cancer patients, heart patients and millions of various people with a myriad of physical and other ailments and conditions having active and satisfying sex lives.

Where there is a will, there is a way. With the help of a gynecologist and perhaps a sex therapist, there will be a way for you two to have a healthy, happy and satisfying marital sex life.

Things may be 'different' than when you were young and vigorous, but there are treatments available and accommidations that can be made where both of you can be happy and satisfied to where you aren't dying a slow death of lack of intimacy and she isn't in pain.

Do not accept - painful intercourse = no sex or intimacy in the marriage.

There are treatments and therapies that can help any condition and there is a universe of other intimate and sexual activities to insure a continued sex life marital intimacy.
Thanks for the replies. I tried to explain to my wife who is 55 years old that she is just giving up our sexual relationship in our marriage, at 55. This really concerns me and upsets me after her telling me the truth. She has seen several doctors about this issue, and they have given her ointments for the dryness, and numbing agent to help with the pain. I truly believe she is using this as an excuse not to have sex with her husband now at this point, just simply giving up. Well our marriage is now at stake due to the numerous conversations, and me letting her know that sex in our marriage is very important to me, and the physical intimacy. Isn't that part of the whole marriage relationship thing. She now is saying to me what if I could not have sex what should she do, throwing it back in my face. Indicating that if I couldn't have sex should she leave me for a better relationship. OMG I a so sick and ill over all this. Again, she is just giving it all up at 55. She told me to quit poking the bear with this comment.
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 08:13 AM
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Re: I am Lost and need advice having very limited sex

It's not that she can't have some form of sexual intimacy with you, it's that she doesn't want to - at least not with you, and perhaps not with anyone. She's checked out of the marriage, and just wants the comforts of the shell of a marriage. I sincerely advise you to move on.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 08:46 AM
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Re: I am Lost and need advice having very limited sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by oldshirt View Post
There are para/quadraplegics, multiple amputees, burn victims, deaf, blind, diabetics, cancer patients, heart patients and millions of various people with a myriad of physical and other ailments and conditions having active and satisfying sex lives.

Where there is a will, there is a way. With the help of a gynecologist and perhaps a sex therapist, there will be a way for you two to have a healthy, happy and satisfying marital sex life.

Things may be 'different' than when you were young and vigorous, but there are treatments available and accommidations that can be made where both of you can be happy and satisfied to where you aren't dying a slow death of lack of intimacy and she isn't in pain.

Do not accept - painful intercourse = no sex or intimacy in the marriage.

There are treatments and therapies that can help any condition and there is a universe of other intimate and sexual activities to insure a continued sex life marital intimacy.

I agree that there is a way to solve this medically, if she wanted to find it bad enough, but she just would rather use it as an excuse to not have sex. She hopes that you will buy that excuse. She's even asking you what would you do if there was no more sex. You're probably going to have to hit her with the bad news, unless you are willing to keep trying to find a way to fix this medically, you're ready to move on.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 08:59 AM
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Re: I am Lost and need advice having very limited sex

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Originally Posted by KG12345 View Post
Well, In the beginning our emotional connection, and sex was awesome. We were so happy and enjoying each other. This is both of ours 2nd go around. Both of us were cheated on in our first marriage. About 2 years ago my wife was told she had interstitial cystitis. She was given hormone creams, numbing prescriptions, and all other methods of treatment. I finally had another conversation with my wife about the lack of, or no sex in our marriage. I have made every attempt I know to try and draw our marital emotional part of our marriage closer. I have repeatedly asked her numerous times what is the problem and why she totally strings me along and does not want to have sex with me anymore. I am a high energy sexual type of person and believe that intimacy in the bedroom along with the emotional being is very important in any marriage, without out it you are just living together without any emotional intimacy in the marriage. When I tell you I have tried everything I really mean it, trying to fix our problems. You can lead a horse to water but you cant force it to drink. She finally told me the truth after multiple attempts to try and figure out what maybe I was doing, not doing, and what I could do to fix the problem of lack of desire, want, and any form of intimacy in our marriage. She finally admitted to me for the last 2 yeas after all the meds, creams, and etc that sex hurts her and she had been lying to me for the last 2 years saying things were getting better. I love her and will always will, till I die, but am having an extremely hard time accepting the fact that our marital status of marriage is no sex. I am not a selfish person and am sorry she has this pain and now it is the root cause. So all my efforts, all the excuses, rejection, and her not being available to me emotionally, and physically has got me spinning in my head. She finally admitted to me last night the reason. So at least I know that for the last 2 years of trying, trying, and trying to fix a broken marital, emotional connection between us is at a standstill. I told her thanks for telling me truth finally, and that I cant fix what is broken, and at least I can quit trying to, and putting myself through all the pain and suffering. I do not know if I can withstand a sexless marriage. I don understand and recognize her problem 100 percent and feel extremely sad for her and her medical problems. I am a very patient individual, caring, loving, and willing to do whatever I can to help with our problem. She told me she had been lying to me for years, and was just going through the motions for my behalf. How can I in good faith even have sex with her, if it ever comes about, which it wont unless I continue to press the issue with multiple rejections over and over, and knowing that if she does it hurts her. I am at a total loss at this point and our marriage is in the dump know that I know the so called truth, finally, if accurate.
So while you are both working to heal her medical problem. You should also work on why she lied to you for 2 years. One she has a medical condition the other is a big red flag.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-03-2017 at 11:19 PM.
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:29 AM
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Re: I am Lost and need advice having very limited sex

While your wife has resigned herself to the attitude that she will no longer enjoy sex, perhaps you should at least for a while try and accommodate that. BUT in the meantime tell her that YOU do intend to enjoy sex with her, but that perhaps there can be a compromise so that you do not subject her to any pain. The most obvious example is that you could give her a nice back rub and she could give you a hand job.

If she is unwilling to do that, then you can argue that her "pain" is not the only problem and that there are other issues that the two of you need to deal with as well.

In the meantime do acknowledge her pain, explain that you would never do anything to hurt her again, and that you have a desire to simply make her feel loved! Tell her you will not stop until you feel close to her again, or she is honest about other problems going on in your marriage.

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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: I am Lost and need advice having very limited sex

Is she willing to stimulate you? Oral, manual? Does she enjoy receiving oral? I can understand that penetration hurts her, but it's hard for me to believe that all forms of intimacy are uncomfortable for her.
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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 12:14 PM
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Re: I am Lost and need advice having very limited sex

Look, you are both full grown mature adults. If she doesn't want to have any sexual activities with you she doesn't have to. That is her prerogative and her choice.

However, her desire for celibacy in no way should condem you to a life of celibacy if you wish to maintain an active sex life. In other words, she has the right to celibate herself if she so chooses, but she does not have the right to force you into celibacy with her if you do not want to.

The options here are simple -

- see if you can transform yourself into someone she wants to have sex with (ie hitting the gym, dressing better, grooming/styling differently, becoming more engaging etc etc)

- divorcing her and moving on.

- pursuing an open marriage where you can engage in sexual activities with someone else with her knowledge and consent.

- getting it somewhere else on the down-low without her knowledge and consent.

Those are your options. You can't really do anything that will change her. You can only do things for yourself in which case she may or she may not choose she wants to participate.

The bottom line is she has the right to live a celibate life if she wants but she does not have the right to force you into a celibate life with her.

If you want to play fair and play nice, you can give her the options of finding a way to have a healthy and satisfying sex life together. Or you can seek it elsewhere. Or you can divorce and leave her to her celibacy while you seek a full-service relationship elsewhere.

It is up to you to decide if you are willing to live a sexless life with her or not. That is your choice and your prerogative.
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 06:22 PM
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Re: I am Lost and need advice having very limited sex

She was given a diagnosis of Interstitial Cystitis 2 years ago? You did not research it then, didn't you?

You say in your wall of text that it's her medical problem? It's not your medical problem, as in you two share it?

You say limited sex, but it seems to me you don't describe in what way sex is limited. As mentioned by another poster this condition may make traditional vaginal sex painful, so have you been enjoying oral sex? Or are you saying that is what is limited sex?

I do wish you well.

I know if my wife had an issue and could not perform some sexual functions we would find other ways to enjoy ourselves. It would be our medical problem, and we would work together to find a solution. Part of that would be my acceptance of limits. After all, we are a team.
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 11:08 PM
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Re: I am Lost and need advice having very limited sex

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
So while you are both working to heal her medical problem. You should also work on why she lied to you for 2 years. One she is a medical condition the other is a big red flag.
She lied for two years because she was afraid of him divorcing her if she told him no sex. However, now she's reached her limit of pain and can't lie any longer. And it looks like she was right to be worried about no sex being the end of the marriage for him.

I'm old school, and I believe 'sickness and health' for marriage, so he should accept her illness and stand by her.

There are lots of non-penetrative things they could be doing for/with each other though. If that doesn't appeal to her, then she places far less importance on sex than he does. This has nothing to do with her illness, and is more of a love language or HD/LD mixup that it's unfortunate they didn't figure out during the dating stage.
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 11:17 PM
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Re: I am Lost and need advice having very limited sex

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She lied for two years because she was afraid of him divorcing her if she told him no sex. However, now she's reached her limit of pain and can't lie any longer. And it looks like she was right to be worried about no sex being the end of the marriage for him.
And as we see that was an effective strategy (sarcasm). How much better would it have been if she had told him early and they could have worked on it together. Maybe that would have eased both their fears and they could have had some success.

They still need to deal with this though because this is not the way you have a successful marriage. You need to be honest with one another.
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