Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Yes we have talked about how to relieve her stress. Originally she said she would feel much better after I adopted her daughter (the loser bio-father would be out of the picture) and also once she finished school. Both of those things happened and nothing changed. Then it was once she got a new job, that happened and nothing changed. Then she said if I did more to help out around the house ( I allready did quite a bit), so I started doing even more, again, nothing changed. I do think if she exercised more it would help, but as I said, she claims she doesn't have time...
Ah yea, she needs to be totally stress free to have sex. Doesn't matter to me, I can be ready any time and any place....
Yeah, maybe she does need to look into this for herself.
Yes, exercise can help, you can try telling her that she should make time for herself and make it a priority.
Utimately,she does need to take responsibility for her own sanity and well being.
Has she ever said what SHE is going to do about it? I mean, you can offer to help and sounds like you have done that, but it's her thing to resolve. Not just for the marriage, but to avoid all those health issues related to being stressed all the time.
There are so many simple things someone can do to relax....
If she is using it as an excuse, I guess you will know that if she says nothing or does nothing about it.
She is OUT OF CONTROL and refusing therapy. Time to draw a line in the sand.
Tell her that you are not interested in staying in the marriage unless she gets a handle on her shopping addiction and stress. This is not the behavior of a mentally balanced woman.
I would also cut off ALL access to any credit cards, ATM card, etc. She is bleeding you dry. I would return the iPad (by the way, I got my hubby the Kindle Fire and he loves it) and tell her that you cannot afford it right now.
I would also STOP doing all the asskissing you are currently doing. She has you bending over backwards right now, but what is SHE doing to help make the marriage better? Someone has to be the responsible adult in this relationship and it seems like she's just wanting to be a princess who is taken care of. Time for her to put on her big girl panties and act like an adult. Mature adults deal with their problems by getting help when they need it, and she needs it. But unless you give you an ultimatum, she really has no incentive to change her behavior. People treat us the way we allow them to.
I would tell her that you are going to consult with an attorney if she doesn't get her act together.
Counseling is definitely what she/we need, but so far she won't go. Her family is totally different than mine in as far as they don't discuss feelings & problems and none of them would ever go to counseling. Counseling is definitely part of the answer though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by needing_affection
Money is our other main problem. She is totally irresponsible with it, won't stop shopping (everything is too good of a deal to pass up) and she won't save at all.
They say the top 3 Marraige destroyers are :
1. Sex
2. Money
3. Communication
You have all 3 of these going on. I so agree with every word of
Laurae1967's post.....It is time for some TOUGH LOVE, she is out of control, has no discipline with her spending- no concern for your welfare, you was kind enough to adopt her daughter in all of this....... If she would quit all this time shopping & racking up the bills outside of her work schedule , it would cut down on her stress and she could find time to be with her husband, learn to heartfully communicate.
Time to let her know what she stands to loose . Otherwise, if this continues on the course it is, you will be ripe for falling into the arms of another .... how long do you think you can stand being in a near sexless marraige? Sexless is considered less than 10 times a year, you are pretty close -with the exception of those vacations. That is no way to live in a marraige. The Resentment will eat you alive, doesn't matter how much you love her.
Her lack of willingness to sit down, hear you out, discuss these issues with a plan for real change, including getting counseling - is reason enough to do an ultimatum on her. Sometimes it takes something drastic to open anothers eyes. Unfortunetly it often works that way.
You have allowed her to put a straight jacket on you.
Thank you deejov, Laurae1967, and SimplyAmorous for your opinions and advice. It makes me feel much better and more empowered. I have decided to stop the "ass-kissing" and take a more hard-line stance. I haven't spoken to her in 1 1/2 days, only a few unproductive texts. I told her I'm insisting we go to see a counselor because we obviously can't work out our problems on our own. Haven't gotten a definite answer on wether she will go. She's good at avoiding a question. Looks like another long spell of no lovin! lol
Good to hear you are listening to Laurae1967's advice! She's right on target!! Bottom line, MAN-UP and stop making excuses for your wife's behavior / or bailing her out. If she refuses to see MC with you, then she's not taking you or the relationship seriously. You must take the next step and that is to file for divorce and see what she does! Perhaps that may open her eyes for once, who knows!
But you deserve so much better and if you continue on this path, you will find yourself bitter, resentful and very unhappy!
Here's a good quote:
"The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others"
~ Dr. Sonya Friedman
I understand because my wife was that way in the past, only not to that extent. I just know that she became a different person when we were away together. Many women don't get the importance of sex to men. Here are two articles:
__________________
The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 1 Corinthians 7:2 (The Message)
Yes we have talked about how to relieve her stress. Originally she said she would feel much better after I adopted her daughter (the loser bio-father would be out of the picture) and also once she finished school. Both of those things happened and nothing changed. Then it was once she got a new job, that happened and nothing changed. Then she said if I did more to help out around the house ( I allready did quite a bit), so I started doing even more, again, nothing changed. I do think if she exercised more it would help, but as I said, she claims she doesn't have time...
Ah yea, she needs to be totally stress free to have sex. Doesn't matter to me, I can be ready any time and any place....
Do you think she lacks the self-awareness necessary to honestly explain what she needs, or is she intentionally misleading you?
Marriage not what I thought it would be...
I am a new member and am posting out of desperation. I am a 36 yo man and have been married to my wife for 1 1/2 years. Allthough I love her and want to be married to her I don't know how long it will last if things don't change. My #1 problem in our marriage is her lack of affection towards me. She has never been as affectionate as I would like as far as she's not big on hugs or kisses. But it seems as soon as we got married things got much worse compared to our 2 years of "dating".
Judith: The key is to have a heart to heart talk with her and find out why she hasnt followed through. Yes stress is a factor. It will take a few times for your wife to see the value of the nonsexual touch daily. Women need to have some nonsexual affection first before ever engage in sex. Talking is critical for her to unwind to want sex. it is valuable for her to have convo before sex ever takes place and helps in the sex dept. date once a week will help. Ask her if once every other week is ok. Some women have to put it on their calendar to remember. Maybe come up with a code word to put on the calendar that you both know-sometimes it can be like ice cream-you want but yet you dont but you do it anyway and glad you did.
, SEx Essentials will help her to want sex more than not
Birth control can be a factor in not wanting it. Reading books by sex therapists will help you both in the long run. You can get counseling that way.
It's a very long and complicated story but I will try to make it short. When we 1st started dating she could'nt keep her hands off me.
Judith: Write her an email and remind her of that and and ask her why that is not occuring now. It is vital that you reach her mind and heart of you and remind her of you daily so that she can be interest in turning on and wanting to feel you with her.
And for the first year we probably had sex 4 or 5 times a week.It was AMAZING! It started to taper off when she started nursing school, and I understood. Then it took another drop when she started having legal trouble with her daughters biological father, and again I understood. She claimed the stress from these 2 events were affecting her sex drive.
Judith: Yes becuase it was affecting her emotionally and women need emotions and nonsexual touch working together as sexual touch starts. etc
and only after begging. It is driving me insane!
Judith: I would stop asking for it and do nonsexual touch. start the convo througout the day. Sex begins in the Kitchen before the bedroom.
My wife can't deal with stress period. EVERYTHING stresses her out. I seriously think she needs medication to help her but she refuses.
Judith: THere is over the counter stuff for stress that she can take.
The list of her stresses go on and on. Occasionally she makes promises to me that she'll "try" but she never follows through. I know that stress is a big factor but she also uses it as her main excuse. I also hear, "im tired, im exhausted, back hurts, head hurts, too much to do, kids need something, dog needs attention, etc". Her list of excuses is never-ending!
Judith: Women can develop anxiety when they havent had sex for so long. Mentally there is a factor in why she is not wanting it. She doesnt understand that you show her love in sex and is wired that way. You need to explain things like that to her
In her defense, I do believe stress affects her libido.
JUidht see above.
We went on a 5 day trip last month, just the 2 of us, and over those 5 stress free days we had sex 8 times and she even initiated it once. And on that trip she promised things would be different when we got back. She agreed we would start having sex atleast twice a week. It's been a month and we have had sex 1 time. I'm 36 years old am I'm sick of having to masturbate!!!
Judith; Ask her why
I swear I have tried everything, helping more around the house, offering to let her quit working, dinners, flowers,cards and all kind of romantic things. Nothing works. Most of the time I'm not even allowed to bring the subject up because she gets so defensive and angry.
Judith: Ask her why it is such a struggle for her to do-she needs safety and so on in order to open up vaginally
The question is, how do I fix it? She refuses to see a counselor and her OBGYN tested her blood and said it's fine....
Bottom line is this. I love my wife, I think she is very hot, I want to have sex with her and only her.Alot of it. She's not interested and doesn't seem to really care much how I feel. I don't want another divorce, but I NEED SEX. What should I do?
Judith, thank you for your input. I do talk to her alot, its pretty much ALL we do. And I think my Wife is a little different than the average woman. She doesn't need or want daily touching. I crave hugs and kisses (non sexual too), she says she doesn't need or really want that....
Yep, she said it might be the birth control she was on. I didnt believe that because she had been on the same BC since I met her and sex used to be great. She insisted I get a vesectomy so she could get off of it, I eventually agreed and got it done 4 months ago. Her sex drive is even worse now and now she has terrible cramps for a week straight adding even more to the problem...
I dont really know what else to say to her. I try and try and try. She gets defensive no matter how I bring it up. I really think counseling and or meds are the answer. I'll keep working trying to convince her to go....
udith, thank you for your input. I do talk to her alot, its pretty much ALL we do. And I think my Wife is a little different than the average woman. She doesn't need or want daily touching. I crave hugs and kisses (non sexual too), she says she doesn't need or really want that....
Juidth: YOur welcome. Yes women one of their five needs is nonsexual affection-it is probably because of either sexual trauma in her past or she is not feeling safe and has anxiety over no sex for so long. Do you talk about what she wants to talk about it? What interests her?
It sounds to me like she has sexual trauma of some kind -usually women will want touch of some kind maybe not every day but at least a hug if for whatever reason they are struggling with needing something.
I have some attachments that will help you if you are intersted-I dont know how to attach them in here to you only -how do you want to receive them-the only thing I know is email. or I can give you ideas of how...
Yep, she said it might be the birth control she was on. I didnt believe that because she had been on the same BC since I met her and sex used to be great. She insisted I get a vesectomy so she could get off of it, I eventually agreed and got it done 4 months ago. Her sex drive is even worse now and now she has terrible cramps for a week straight adding even more to the problem...
jUidht; THere is over the counter sex stuff that will help her to turn on for women. Sex Essentials is one. There is stuff she can take over the counter that is excellent for cramps. For women it is in the mind that they need to reconcile why sex is a struggle emotionally-her emotions and physical go together WHOLE
It can be great again but there are things you need to do to go slow to work back up to it when it comes to a woman.
I dont really know what else to say to her. I try and try and try. She gets defensive no matter how I bring it up. I really think counseling and or meds are the answer. I'll keep working trying to convince her to go....
Judith Try email and ask her if there is some trauma going on. She may need to just talk to someone online about what she is struggling with before therapy. Some women wont go if it has t o do with sex due to self consciousness becuase we come at it from a mental,emotional, relational viewpoint.
Only ask her for nonsexual touch and ask for hugs only
It sounds like she has very few, if any, coping skills.
She needs to learn how to deal with her stress... I personally think she should go to a counselor.
I think Laurae gave you some great advice.
Sex is an important part of most marriages. If you aren't happy and she isn't invested enough to change her ways to improve the marriage, then it's time to walk. Give her an ultimatum... If she really cares for you and your marriage, she will seek help.
Forgive me, but I wanted to ask if you have talked to her about how to handle her stress, as opposed to the sex frequency?
I understand that the lack of sex is a need that is being ignored, and I do think it's imortant that she understands just HOW big of a deal this is, but if she is saying that she is too stressed...
Ask her specifically what you can do to alleviate the stress ?
and
Ask her specficially what she is going to do about it?
Something actionable. Kinda make a point that she needs to address this.
Some people find sex relieves stress, some might need to be relaxed in order to have sex. Which one are you? Are you different in this way?
On top of what's been pointed out earlier, I'll note that she came to you in a state of need:
1) She did not have her nursing degree and thus did not have a means of supporting herself.
2) She was having legal problems with her ex.
3) She needed a father for her daughter (IMO if he was willing to relinquish parental rights he was not all that involved).
I know it sucks to consider this, but it is possible that these needs impacted her behavior?
Hate to say it, but you screwed up by adopting her daughter before knowing if this relationship would work. Make sure you don't get her pregnant until all this is resolved. Also know that you are 50% parent to her daughter legally, so you do have every right to decide what goes on in her life.
I would do the following:
First, have a sit down with your wife. Reiterate that the sex is not satisfactory and you expect her to integrate your needs into her daily life (rather than wait for a vacation or down time). Tell her that you have been patient and done everything you can on your own to alleviate her stress. Then tell her that she is responsible for her sexual response - she can fix it with or without your help but you will hold her accountable regardless.
Second, build yourself a satisfying life. Do less for her and more for you. Not only will you be happier and not dwell on the lack of sex, but it will shake up any sense of complacency she might have had about you (that "well I have him now so I don't have to try" thing).
Third, talk to an attorney about your situation. I really don't think you would owe much to her in spousal support since you have not been married long and she makes good money (and could work full-time if she had to). I don't know how child support would work; my gut says you owe just like for a biological child. But, I could be wrong or she might be willing to give that up in exchange for non-interference (because if you are considered a parent you have rights).
This may be harsh, but I am going to call it exactly as I see it and not hold back, but you need to hear it raw. You've been warned.
I hate to say it, but your marriage is not going to get any better, no matter how much talking or counseling you do. That's because for her, things are good. It's only you that has the problem.
Basically you've fallen for a classic "bait and switch" scheme. She got what she needed - to be married and have 'security', status, someone to pay for things, be a dad for her daughter, do all the dirty jobs in life, etc. Her sexual behavior towards you pre-marriage was the bait. Now that she has gotten what she wanted, she's focusing her attention elsewhere... not on someone else per se, but no longer on pleasing you - she got you to sign on the dotted line already). This is not all that unusual an occurrence sadly. It may not have been something that she clearly and deliberately planned out (though she may have).
Think about it - if it was a life shared with you was what she really wanted, would her behavior have changed so drastically because you said "I do"? But if it was all about just getting to the goal line of acquiring a husband and provider, then yeah - she got to the finish line and isn't playing that game anymore (which corresponds to the sudden and drastic change in behavior). You were just the vehicle to deliver what she really wanted, and now you better see what her priorities really are.
In any event, if you confront her about this, she's going tell you that you got it all wrong, that you're crazy, etc. even if you are right. Right now for her, interacting with you means "managing" you so they she has provide the least amount sex and affection to you - (things that cares very little about when it comes to you) but still stay above the minimum threshold to keep you from making her life too difficult or actually taking action to end the marriage. The stress is just an excuse. I've encountered plenty of women who find that sex relieves and lowers stress for them. But it's much to her advantage for her to convince you that stress is the libido killer. That and all the other things in her never-ending list of excuses.
Have you ever thought about WHY she refuses to go to counseling so adamantly? It's because she doesn't see a problem in HER life with not being sexual with you.
All the crap that you've tried - the romance, doing the housework, etc.. you're only rewarding her for her behavior and giving her more reasons to keep ignoring your needs. And her not letting you even bring the subject up? She's used the fact you're locked into the marriage to take the power position and dictate her boundaries to you - and apparently her boundaries include hearing of any dissent from the peons (that's you).
She's not cheating on you... for now... but "she's just not that into you" - she mostly into what you can provide, but not the provider. She warmed on the vacation trip? That's to be expected. She would LOVE it you took her on vacation (and paid for it) every OTHER week of the year. That's a insight to how she sees herself and they kind of life she would rather live.
"Talking" to her is going to get you nowhere but a date with your right hand, and whole lot of gas-lighting ( convincing you that there is no problem, etc ). Look at HER ACTIONS. Therein lies the truth. Words are cheap, words are free, and words are often lies. Actions tell the real story of a person, and what their priorities are.
Right now you are in a marriage with little to no respect for you and your needs. You are looking directly at the rest of your life if you stay in this marriage.
It's time to man up and pull a 180 - you're going to need to put down firm boundaries and expectations, and then have the spine and determination to hold to them under the assault that she is almost guaranteed to unleash on you for daring to assert yourself. It you do this, it's possible she could come around. If you don't, I can guarantee you that it won't be long before you look back at and say "Man, I got a lot of sex in 2011 compared to now".
Re: Marriage not what I thought it would be... 
