Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I am a new member and am posting out of desperation. I am a 36 yo man and have been married to my wife for 1 1/2 years. Allthough I love her and want to be married to her I don't know how long it will last if things don't change. My #1 problem in our marriage is her lack of affection towards me. She has never been as affectionate as I would like as far as she's not big on hugs or kisses. But it seems as soon as we got married things got much worse compared to our 2 years of "dating".
It's a very long and complicated story but I will try to make it short. When we 1st started dating she could'nt keep her hands off me. And for the first year we probably had sex 4 or 5 times a week.It was AMAZING! It started to taper off when she started nursing school, and I understood. Then it took another drop when she started having legal trouble with her daughters biological father, and again I understood. She claimed the stress from these 2 events were affecting her sex drive. Well we got married, which solved her legal problems since I adopted her daughter and then she graduated from school. Didn't get better. So now here I am 3 1/2 years into this relationship (total) and we now have sex 1 or maybe 2 times a month, and only after begging. It is driving me insane!
My wife can't deal with stress period. EVERYTHING stresses her out. I seriously think she needs medication to help her but she refuses. She said her sex drive would come back after school and after we got married it didn't. She said she was stressed about money ,so I pay almost all the household bills so that she can pay down her massive credit card debt. The only things she pays for are her credit cards, groceries and the tuition for our daughter to go to catholic school (which I don't agree with but have been over ruled). She said work stresses her out so I said don't work full time just work part time, that didn't help. The list of her stresses go on and on. Occasionally she makes promises to me that she'll "try" but she never follows through. I know that stress is a big factor but she also uses it as her main excuse. I also hear, "im tired, im exhausted, back hurts, head hurts, too much to do, kids need something, dog needs attention, etc". Her list of excuses is never-ending!
In her defense, I do believe stress affects her libido. We went on a 5 day trip last month, just the 2 of us, and over those 5 stress free days we had sex 8 times and she even initiated it once. And on that trip she promised things would be different when we got back. She agreed we would start having sex atleast twice a week. It's been a month and we have had sex 1 time. I'm 36 years old am I'm sick of having to masturbate!!!
I swear I have tried everything, helping more around the house, offering to let her quit working, dinners, flowers,cards and all kind of romantic things. Nothing works. Most of the time I'm not even allowed to bring the subject up because she gets so defensive and angry.
Before anybody suggests that there might be someone else, let me assure you there isn't. I was married to a cheater for 9 years and was burned real bad. I now know the behavior and how to spot it. It will not happen again. I am positive there isn't someone else. I truely believe it's the stress of her everyday life that is mostly responsible for her lack of libido. The question is, how do I fix it? She refuses to see a counselor and her OBGYN tested her blood and said it's fine....
I appologize for my rambling and jumping all over the place. I am just so frustrated and don't know what to do. It's to the point that I lie in bed at night staring at the ceiling and I think "I can't believe this is how my life is". I thought I had found the answer to happiness in her and my new daughter after going through a terrible divorce, but now I have a whole new set of problems.
Bottom line is this. I love my wife, I think she is very hot, I want to have sex with her and only her.Alot of it. She's not interested and doesn't seem to really care much how I feel. I don't want another divorce, but I NEED SEX. What should I do?
What are her monthly expenses for credit debt and catholic school?
Does her income exceed those expenses?
How many hours a week does she work?
How many hours of sleep does she get each night?
She could be stressed out.
Could you relieve the monitary stress? Do you think it would matter?
Lots of questions. Posted via Mobile Device
No, her income far exceeds her exspenses and she works on average only around 30 hours a week. I don't know if her quitting work would help that much, even though I have offered that in the past. She does have a shopping problem, that's why she has racked up 50k in credit card bills over the last 15 years. Honestly i'm reluctant to take all the responsibility for that debt just so I can have sex with my wife. I believe she allready has it pretty good now that we are married and she has moved into my house....
You really have a very serious problem and unless she comes on here and we hear her side of the story there cant be much we can do.
I am not a great believer in these stress stories, they are usually only excuses. For some reason your wife doesnt fancy you anymore. I am sorry to put it to you but you really have to get your act together. Find out from a lawyer what would happen if you divorce, and then offer her an ultimatum. It may sound harsh but you must tell her you love her but you just cant go on without sex. Dont think women dont understand. They do most likely better than men.
You really have a very serious problem and unless she comes on here and we hear her side of the story there cant be much we can do.
I am not a great believer in these stress stories, they are usually only excuses. For some reason your wife doesnt fancy you anymore. I am sorry to put it to you but you really have to get your act together. Find out from a lawyer what would happen if you divorce, and then offer her an ultimatum. It may sound harsh but you must tell her you love her but you just cant go on without sex. Dont think women dont understand. They do most likely better than men.
Yes, I realize this is serious. I don't think she would ever come on here to discuss it. She won't even discuss it with me. I just tried again on to get rebuffed again. Like always she got overly angry and then just refuses to even communicate with me. I've just about reached my limit. I don't even need to go ask an attorney what to expect. I'm sure I will have to pay out the ass just like my first divorce. This is very depressing...
I feel your pain. Rejection is frustrating and hurtful especially from your spouse. Did you read my thread? My husband has no interest in sex either. I wish I had answers for you. I hope you find the answers you need to make 2012 a better year. Good luck sweetie.
When you bring up the subject, you mentioned that she gets overly angry and refuses to communicate etc. I hate to say this, but it appears, she's no longer interested in having sex with you.
Her reaction also tells me, her feelings for you are also changing. Because that kind of reaction, is not a loving wife who's concern about her husband's feelings, needs etc! I'm sorry ...
Thank you both for your responses. I really do appreciate them. What i don't understand is as I said earlier, just 5 weeks ago we went on vacation togethor for 5 days and it was like another honeymoon. She made promises that our sex life wouldnt go back to pathetic once we returned to reality, but that's exactly what happened. What is going on in my wifes head?!!!
I feel your pain. Rejection is frustrating and hurtful especially from your spouse. Did you read my thread? My husband has no interest in sex either. I wish I had answers for you. I hope you find the answers you need to make 2012 a better year. Good luck sweetie.
Yes I did read your thread. I think we are in very similar situations. I wish I had answers for both of us. I'm sorry for your pain, but you are not alone in it.....
I think your issue is a very common one, from what I've read on marriage/sex forums.
Possible solutions include: scheduling sex, more discussion of what you need, counseling (for both her stress issues and your marriage).
Frankly, this is modern life: EVERYONE is stressed. But that's not valid reason for ignoring a major part of what should be the most important relationship in your life.
I think your issue is a very common one, from what I've read on marriage/sex forums.
Possible solutions include: scheduling sex, more discussion of what you need, counseling (for both her stress issues and your marriage).
Frankly, this is modern life: EVERYONE is stressed. But that's not valid reason for ignoring a major part of what should be the most important relationship in your life.
I don't think scheduling would go over very well, I'm not even allowed to ask "how about tonight?". Counseling is definitely what she/we need, but so far she won't go. Her family is totally different than mine in as far as they don't discuss feelings & problems and none of them would ever go to counseling. Counseling is definitely part of the answer though.
I love what you said about everyone is stressed in modern life. Very true. I think it just affects her differently than most people. I honestly believe she needs zoloft or paxil to help her deal with stress....
How long do you think it would take her to pay off her debts?
I'd disagree.
Maybe there are other ways she can relieve stress? Yoga or meditation? Exercise? A massage? Spoiling her with a romantic evening might even work.
Well, when we first got married I came up with a plan for her to pay off all her debt in 2 years (with me paying all the other bills) but so far she isn't following it at all. Money is our other main problem. She is totally irresponsible with it, won't stop shopping (everything is too good of a deal to pass up) and she won't save at all. For example, over Christmas she bought our daughter 27 presents from "Santa" and 15 from "us". Way overboard. Plus I asked for a $199 kindle fire, she bought me a $700 Ipad + $150 in accesories instead. so of course this caused a fight on Christmas because she charged thousands on gifts for our Daughter & I. Ridiculous.
She does feel much better when she exercises, but don't you know she has no time?!!! lol
Forgive me, but I wanted to ask if you have talked to her about how to handle her stress, as opposed to the sex frequency?
I understand that the lack of sex is a need that is being ignored, and I do think it's imortant that she understands just HOW big of a deal this is, but if she is saying that she is too stressed...
Ask her specifically what you can do to alleviate the stress ?
and
Ask her specficially what she is going to do about it?
Something actionable. Kinda make a point that she needs to address this.
Some people find sex relieves stress, some might need to be relaxed in order to have sex. Which one are you? Are you different in this way?
Marriage not what I thought it would be... 
