Is watching porn a form of infidelity? - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

View Poll Results: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?
Yes. 11 15.28%
Yes but I am able to tolerate it. 2 2.78%
No but I am still bothered by it. 10 13.89%
No. 49 68.06%
Voters: 72. You may not vote on this poll

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post #136 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Thundarr View Post
Is watching porn a form of infidelity? I say no. While infidelity is a form of betrayal and, for some couples, watching porn is also a form of betrayal, they are not forms of each other. I think there is such a consensus about the wrongness of infidelity that people want to compare other betrayals to it. So obviously someone who feels very betrayed by their spouse watching porn might compare it to infidelity and that makes perfect since but they are still two distinct types of betrayal ( or not depending on the couple).

From a symbolic stand point they are pretty similar though. My wife and I do not consider watching porn to be a terrible thing but there are couples out there with open relationships who equally do not consider having sex outside of their marriage to be a terrible thing. But I completely understand that some people consider their partner watching porn to be a betrayal up there with cheating. To each their own.
I agree it's a betrayal when the offending person says they won't and then they do. It's about honesty, being upfront and open. If you can't do that with the person you are supposed to be closest to then their is no trust
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post #137 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 03:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
I'm glad to know that for those of you who do use porn, you don't have a double standard when it comes to your spouse. I remember dating a guy in college who commented on how "hot" an actress was in a movie when she was "playing with herself" and when my girlfriend and I started giving it back to him by exclaiming how "ripped and gorgeous" her male co-star was, he started to get upset.
This is interesting as I too could see myself getting upset as well if my girlfriends in college teased me about how attractive a male movie star was in a film. ...fast forward a few decades and my wife actually does tell me that she likes to go see movies just because she really enjoys how attractive the the male star is to her. She will tell me that if I want to get lucky later in the evening that I best choose "that movie." You know what, that does not bother me least bit at this point in life as I am confident that my wife loves me and I do not feel threatened by a movie star.

Cause just like in porn, everything in Hollywood is also "fake" either with makeup, props or post production. I mean these guys have ripped six pack abs literally drawn onto them:





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post #138 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 04:20 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

My husband and I plan to watch porn during the holidays, he will pick out a film that turns him on and I will show him a film that turns me on.

Does that make us swingers? Or polyamorous?

Not really. Just a natural curiosity about our kinks and a cheeky peek into secret sexuality.
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post #139 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by peacem View Post
My husband and I plan to watch porn during the holidays, he will pick out a film that turns him on and I will show him a film that turns me on.

Does that make us swingers? Or polyamorous?

Not really. Just a natural curiosity about our kinks and a cheeky peek into secret sexuality.
I think it takes a great deal of maturity and self confidence to not feel threatened by a partner watching porn, as well as being open minded to see something that arouses your partner.

Badsanta

Last edited by badsanta; 04-11-2017 at 05:09 PM.
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post #140 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:27 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
I think it takes a great deal of maturity and self confidence to not feel threatened by a partner watching porn, as well as being open minded to see something that arouses your partner.

Badsanta
Except I don't see it as a lack of self-confidence or not being open-minded to want sexual exclusivity with your spouse. I made vows to forsake all others. Like I said, I'm highly aroused by sex talk- I think it's a matter of respect in my marriage to not engage in sex talk with anyone other than my spouse.

If your spouse doesn't feel it's an issue, that's different. But I do, and I am not lacking because I feel that way.
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post #141 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 07:41 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
I think it takes a great deal of maturity and self confidence to not feel threatened by a partner watching porn, as well as being open minded to see something that arouses your partner.

Badsanta
I think it takes a great deal of maturity to go against the flow and not look at porn. I have so much respect for men who are different in this way.
Its not about being threatened, its about treating your spouse with respect. Forsaking all others, being faithful in mind as well as body.
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post #142 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 07:46 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Except I don't see it as a lack of self-confidence or not being open-minded to want sexual exclusivity with your spouse. I made vows to forsake all others. Like I said, I'm highly aroused by sex talk- I think it's a matter of respect in my marriage to not engage in sex talk with anyone other than my spouse.

If your spouse doesn't feel it's an issue, that's different. But I do, and I am not lacking because I feel that way.
Agreed. My husband is the only one I intend to see naked and have sexual thoughts about.
I don't see it as lacking in anyway, only gaining. My desire for my husband is far greater because he refuses to look at porn and because of the way he treats me. I love a man who is faithful in this way.
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post #143 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:18 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
My desire for my husband is far greater because he refuses to look at porn and because of the way he treats me. I love a man who is faithful in this way.
Me too- I find it VERY sexy I love knowing that I'm the only woman in the world who he turns to for sexual pleasure.
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post #144 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:30 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

I think the best thing is if two people who actually agree with each other end up married to each other. I always hope two people married to each other have great sex with each other.

But wow, I sure can't see how disagreement over porn between people who aren't married to each other means anything, really. It sure has nothing to do with self confidence! And open-mindedness? Maybe the closed minds are the ones who refuse to see the damage to the lives of the actresses who just turned 18 and are being drawn away from their colleges and families by the lure of dollars, to be tossed on the trash heap in a few months time, tarnished and abandoned.

All of that is far afield from the original poll, though.

Last edited by WilliamM; 04-11-2017 at 09:34 PM.
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post #145 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 11:42 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

If watching porn is infidelity, then so is masturbation since the only difference is images in our heads rather than on the screen. If masturbation is infidelity then most humans are engaging in infidelity a few times a week.

I have always posed the question if sending sexy nude pictures of yourself to a guy different than posing nude for him in the flesh? There is little difference between the behavior and intent. Either way the other guy sees your wife naked and posing in suggestive ways.

My wife and I do not consider sex with others as infidelity since our marriage is not based on monogamy. Therefore porn and anything else is not considered infidelity. Deceiving and lying is considered infidelity to us. As long as we are open with each other and will end any behavior or relationship that the other is uncomfortable with, sex in any form is not infidelity. For us marriage is not about a legal obligation and sexual exclusivity, but a spiritual connection that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, and hold each other and our marriage above all else. This has worked for us over 44 years. Funny how many of the Marriage Police view us with disdain while half of them are ending up divorced.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 04-12-2017 at 10:20 AM.
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post #146 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:18 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Me too- I find it VERY sexy I love knowing that I'm the only woman in the world who he turns to for sexual pleasure.
Yep. It makes me feel very special and respected and loved.
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post #147 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
I think it takes a great deal of maturity and self confidence to not feel threatened by a partner watching porn, as well as being open minded to see something that arouses your partner.

Badsanta


Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Except I don't see it as a lack of self-confidence or not being open-minded to want sexual exclusivity with your spouse. I made vows to forsake all others. Like I said, I'm highly aroused by sex talk- I think it's a matter of respect in my marriage to not engage in sex talk with anyone other than my spouse.

If your spouse doesn't feel it's an issue, that's different. But I do, and I am not lacking because I feel that way.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
I think it takes a great deal of maturity to go against the flow and not look at porn. I have so much respect for men who are different in this way.
Its not about being threatened, its about treating your spouse with respect. Forsaking all others, being faithful in mind as well as body.
@Jessica38 and @Diana7 in the context of my marriage I had a preexisting condition of many years of watching porn. My wife is very against porn, but she did make it a point to sit down with me one day and watch it. The purpose of this was to help me let go of my shame and help her understand me. By doing this it helped me let go of my compulsive behaviors that triggered me to watch porn, so now I do not have anywhere near the same desire to watch it as I used to (although I admit the underlying temptation is still there).

Since my wife chose to watch it with me knowing that she is against it, actually makes me have more respect for her! I do NOT see this as her forsaking me by watching it with me under these circumstances, but more her trying to better understand me and help me feel loved. She also conveyed her views to me as to why she has problems with porn as we watched it in way way not to judge me, but to simply explain herself to me. For us, it really helped us understand one another better. I have always appreciated that my wife took that step to do that with me!

I understand that you are talking more about a man that actively chooses NOT to watch porn to honor his vows, but I just wanted to point out that people that do not like porn can choose TO watch it for reasons just as morally admirable. Because in my opinion if one spouse has issues with porn, they BOTH need to help each other understand one another in order to help each other work through those issues.

So @Jessica38 and @Diana7 if neither of you have ever sat down with your partners and said, "OK can you please show me what porn you watch and explain to me why you enjoy it" it is an experience that could be an eye opener in better understanding what triggers your partner to enjoy porn and how to help them with it by removing their shame. If you just happen to have partners that have NEVER watch porn and do NOT have these issues, try to be a little open minded for the couples that do struggle to better understand and love one another by removing the shame and pain associated with this topic.

When I first corresponded with @peacem she was ready to leave her husband and felt disgusted by his hidden use of porn. The two of them have worked through it and for them they have perhaps discovered that it helps them communicate with one another. It is also important to note at this time that some people with autism (yes autism!) have trouble communicating socially, may suffer from being able to understand a spouse sexually in ways other than mostly analytically. Perhaps both myself and peacem's husband fit into this category.

People with autism can be extremely sensitive to stimulus in the environment such as bright light or simply being touched (grabbing their arm and pulling them somewhere as to go out) can be experienced as very painful. Most often those with autism develop heightened sensitivity to their genitalia that can cause common sensations to be painful.

In the past I struggled to understood why most men enjoy oral sex as I find it to be rather painful and really struggle to enjoy it. I find it to be way overstimulating to the point that it is painful. While watching porn I noticed that I found myself enjoying content where oral stimulation is minimal as if just to tease. So I could show my wife a video of deep throat and explain to her that I find that repulsive. But I could show her a video where oral sex was minimal and explain that I was drawn to that technique and curious to experience it. So now my wife clearly understands what I like if she gives me oral sex, and I was able to show her this before I understood that I struggled with elements of autism by communicating it with porn.

Anyway... I still enjoy learning how others such as yourself view porn as it helps me with my struggles to better appreciate other's views such as my own wife. So thanks for sharing. I also hope by sharing my own struggles that it helps you to better understand other people and couples and realize that their issues may require more creative and open minded attitudes to help each other feel loved.

Regards,
Badsanta
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post #148 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:33 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
@Jessica38 and @Diana7 in the context of my marriage I had a preexisting condition of many years of watching porn. My wife is very against porn, but she did make it a point to sit down with me one day and watch it. The purpose of this was to help me let go of my shame and help her understand me. By doing this it helped me let go of my compulsive behaviors that triggered me to watch porn, so now I do not have anywhere near the same desire to watch it as I used to (although I admit the underlying temptation is still there).

Since my wife chose to watch it with me knowing that she is against it, actually makes me have more respect for her! I do NOT see this as her forsaking me by watching it with me under these circumstances, but more her trying to better understand me and help me feel loved. She also conveyed her views to me as to why she has problems with porn as we watched it in way way not to judge me, but to simply explain herself to me. For us, it really helped us understand one another better. I have always appreciated that my wife took that step to do that with me!

I understand that you are talking more about a man that actively chooses NOT to watch porn to honor his vows, but I just wanted to point out that people that do not like porn can choose TO watch it for reasons just as morally admirable. Because in my opinion if one spouse has issues with porn, they BOTH need to help each other understand one another in order to help each other work through those issues.

So @Jessica38 and @Diana7 if neither of you have ever sat down with your partners and said, "OK can you please show me what porn you watch and explain to me why you enjoy it" it is an experience that could be an eye opener in better understanding what triggers your partner to enjoy porn and how to help them with it by removing their shame. If you just happen to have partners that have NEVER watch porn and do NOT have these issues, try to be a little open minded for the couples that do struggle to better understand and love one another by removing the shame and pain associated with this topic.

When I first corresponded with @peacem she was ready to leave her husband and felt disgusted by his hidden use of porn. The two of them have worked through it and for them they have perhaps discovered that it helps them communicate with one another. It is also important to note at this time that some people with autism (yes autism!) have trouble communicating socially, may suffer from being able to understand a spouse sexually in ways other than mostly analytically. Perhaps both myself and peacem's husband fit into this category.

People with autism can be extremely sensitive to stimulus in the environment such as bright light or simply being touched (grabbing their arm and pulling them somewhere as to go out) can be experienced as very painful. Most often those with autism develop heightened sensitivity to their genitalia that can cause common sensations to be painful.

In the past I struggled to understood why most men enjoy oral sex as I find it to be rather painful and really struggle to enjoy it. I find it to be way overstimulating to the point that it is painful. While watching porn I noticed that I found myself enjoying content where oral stimulation is minimal as if just to tease. So I could show my wife a video of deep throat and explain to her that I find that repulsive. But I could show her a video where oral sex was minimal and explain that I was drawn to that technique and curious to experience it. So now my wife clearly understands what I like if she gives me oral sex, and I was able to show her this before I understood that I struggled with elements of autism by communicating it with porn.

Anyway... I still enjoy learning how others such as yourself view porn as it helps me with my struggles to better appreciate other's views such as my own wife. So thanks for sharing. I also hope by sharing my own struggles that it helps you to better understand other people and couples and realize that their issues may require more creative and open minded attitudes to help each other feel loved.

Regards,
Badsanta
Badsanta, thank you for your explanation. I guess that your wife married you knowing that you were a porn user so couldn't really make a fuss when you carried on. I wouldn't marry a man who was a porn user,or who thought it was ok to do this to his wife, that's the difference. Its a no no for me. Fortunately I have a husband who thinks the same way as I do about this.

What you said is a little like a man who keeps stealing. His wife says ok, I will steal as well to better understand why you do it. Or a man who keeps getting drunk. OK I will get drunk to better understand why you do it.
In that situation me looking at porn wouldnt be the answer. He could tell me why he does it, I wouldn't need to watch it myself and to me it would be adding to the problem.

If I was married to a man who looked at porn it would deeply affect and damage our sex life. In fact I wouldn't want sex with him. Because my husband is so clear on keeping his eyes for me alone, it makes sex with him so much more enjoyable and inviting. I want to have sex with him more because I know that I am his one and only. It makes me feel special. He is forsaking all others as he promised. I would far rather be single than with a porn user.

A lady I know eventually gave her husband and ultimatum, me or the porn. She meant it and he knew that. Guess what, he stopped immediately. Its amazing what we can do if we have to. All those years he said he would stop and didn't, and once he knew what he would loose he did it.

I think that too many women enable their husbands porn use by not giving them any consequences to their actions.

I remember when my first 2 children were small I gave up smoking. I didn't want them to be breathing in smoke all day as well as all evening and weekends when my husband was home. It wasn't easy to give up because my then husband still smoked, BUT I did it for the children's sakes. If a husband isn't prepared to stop porn use that is hurting his wife, something is wrong.

Last edited by Diana7; 04-12-2017 at 09:47 AM.
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post #149 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:08 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

@badsanta, I understand that you and your wife enjoy porn together and I think that's fine! Like Diana said, she married you knowing that you use porn. I didn't. My husband wasn't into it...it was one of the most attractive things about him to me. He told me he'd rather have a girlfriend than use porn. Even then as a single guy, he saw it as a choice. And if we ever talked about porn, he'd always say "Why would I need that? I have my very own sexy woman to look at!" And he means it. It has never been an issue in our marriage, or even before. We made our own sex video for each other because he said it excited him to watch us if I wasn't available.

That's just us. It means a lot to me. And my closest girlfriends feel the same. We want our men to look at US, not other naked women.
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post #150 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:57 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

I don't see it as infidelity (maybe if porn is ruining a couples sex life it leans closer to infidelity).
Potentially it could be cheating.
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