Is watching porn a form of infidelity? - Page 15 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

View Poll Results: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?
Yes. 11 15.28%
Yes but I am able to tolerate it. 2 2.78%
No but I am still bothered by it. 10 13.89%
No. 49 68.06%
Voters: 72. You may not vote on this poll

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post #211 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 06:37 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

I think our biggest difference here is when we consider it "involving" another person. My opinion on this may be unusual:

I don't mind my wife getting off to a picture or video of another man as long as its one-way. To me that means non-interacting. I would not be happy with her having some video linke and telling the other guy what to do - its the up and back interaction where I draw the line. (not saying its the right place, just the way my brain works).

Maybe its because I can't imagine developing any sort of attachment without that interaction. If I see a woman in a porn movie it may get me aroused and make me want sex, but it doesn't make me want sex with *her*. If I were interacting then it would feel like a real person, not just some abstract image, and so I might develop an attachment.

My personal interactions with people are sort of empathic - I'm sensitive to what they are thinking / feeling and how they react to me. If there is only one way communication (watching an image) that link isn't there, and the feedback of each interacting with the other doesn't happen. This is also why although I watch porn as a sort of last resort, I would never prefer it to a real person.


Another poster, Lizzyb did the experiment of looking at some porn. She found it arousing, but had no desire to have sex with the person in the video. If you have ever seen porn, did you feel any attraction to the person, or just arousal, or was it just a turn-off? I'm wondering if different people react differently, or if people who haven't seen porn imagine a different reaction than the one that porn watchers get.


BTW - I find the rubber vagina thing gross personally, just bring it up as an example. Strangely I don't find a rubber penis gross, and my wife has more than one as a sex toy that I'm happy to use with her on the rare occasions that we have sex.

Sex bots are to me clearly inferior to real people. What I was thinking about is whether or not I'd be bothered if my wife used one. I think a simple sex bot that performs specific sexual acts wouldn't bother me - it would be just like a vibrator. I sex bot with feelings / emotions would bother me - again that implies this 2-way interaction that is what matters.


All the above about how I'd feel about my wife is assuming that we had a good sex life. Since it is so limited, I do sort of resent her directing any sexual energies anywhere but towards me.



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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
I was considering the case when the toys were used alone. Do you feel like masturbating alone is bad (assuming you are also available to your partner when he wants)? Would it be different if you used a realistic looking / feeling toy (assuming that masturbating that way worked for you).

I have no issue with my husband m'ing. I just have an issue with him using a person outside the marriage for sexual fulfillment.


You see a rubber vagina as a problem but not a hand. Would a non-realistic looking masturbation aid be a problem?

I don't see it as a problem, per se, just not something that I find attractive. But if he told me he wanted to use a realistic toy for pleasure, provided it didn't have an image of another naked woman on it, I'm fine with that.

I don't mean to interrogate, but I find it interesting to understand how other people view issues.

Me too! It's giving me something to think about.


For me the key issue is interaction. I don't care if my wife masturbates with any sort of toy she wants, while looking at an visual aids or reading anything she wants. I would not be happy if she were interacting with someone else, even if was just by exchanged texts but no pictures.

So if she were looking at a naked man and getting off while drooling over his body, you'd be totally cool with that?I really am not! And I can't imagine pulling out a pic of another man and getting off to it. I'd actually feel bad for lusting after another naked man when I have my own man who fully satisfies me.

Without interaction it doesn't seem like a real person and so isn't threatening.

I would argue it is interaction- many women are positioning themselves to turn on the man who looks at their naked bodies. To me, that is engagement with another woman outside of the marriage. Especially when some husbands rate them and look them up specifically online. Total turnoff for me.


The question of sex robots I find interesting and I'm not sure what I think.

Artificial is the obvious answer. I guess I like real sex with real emotions.
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post #212 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 07:18 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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I think our biggest difference here is when we consider it "involving" another person. My opinion on this may be unusual:

I don't mind my wife getting off to a picture or video of another man as long as its one-way. To me that means non-interacting. I would not be happy with her having some video linke and telling the other guy what to do - its the up and back interaction where I draw the line. (not saying its the right place, just the way my brain works).

Maybe its because I can't imagine developing any sort of attachment without that interaction. If I see a woman in a porn movie it may get me aroused and make me want sex, but it doesn't make me want sex with *her*. If I were interacting then it would feel like a real person, not just some abstract image, and so I might develop an attachment.

My personal interactions with people are sort of empathic - I'm sensitive to what they are thinking / feeling and how they react to me. If there is only one way communication (watching an image) that link isn't there, and the feedback of each interacting with the other doesn't happen. This is also why although I watch porn as a sort of last resort, I would never prefer it to a real person.

I understand. And really, all that matters is that your wife doesn't mind your use of it. If she told you it hurt her, despite the fact that you think it shouldn't because there isn't interaction, would you stop? Assuming she is willing to work with you in having a healthy sex life.


Another poster, Lizzyb did the experiment of looking at some porn. She found it arousing, but had no desire to have sex with the person in the video. If you have ever seen porn, did you feel any attraction to the person, or just arousal, or was it just a turn-off? I'm wondering if different people react differently, or if people who haven't seen porn imagine a different reaction than the one that porn watchers get.

No attraction at all. I can't say it was a total turn-off because this was in college and my roommates would put it on for fun. But it wasn't arousing. However, I can and do appreciate female beauty, and understand my husband does too. Porn now would be a turn-off, but a Victoria's Secret runway show? Gorgeous. Burlesque dancers at a club? Stunning. But these women aren't naked on display infringing on what I deem my domain - sexual fulfillment with my husband. Strippers and porn stars? Tacky.

BTW - I find the rubber vagina thing gross personally, just bring it up as an example. Strangely I don't find a rubber penis gross, and my wife has more than one as a sex toy that I'm happy to use with her on the rare occasions that we have sex.

We share the same views on this.

Sex bots are to me clearly inferior to real people. What I was thinking about is whether or not I'd be bothered if my wife used one. I think a simple sex bot that performs specific sexual acts wouldn't bother me - it would be just like a vibrator. I sex bot with feelings / emotions would bother me - again that implies this 2-way interaction that is what matters.

Is this a real thing? A bot that can actually perform acts? I was thinking you meant an online bot previously.

All the above about how I'd feel about my wife is assuming that we had a good sex life. Since it is so limited, I do sort of resent her directing any sexual energies anywhere but towards me.

I guess I feel that way now even though we have a great sex life. I wouldn't want my sexual energy or his going towards someone else.
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post #213 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 09:32 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

She doesn't know that I watch porn, but I expect she would not approve. She would not understand why I wanted porn. I would certainly stop if she was willing to work on what I consider a healthy sex life - in fact I wouldn't have any interest in porn in that case. But she isn't willing, or more realistically isn't able to change how she feels about sex. Its just not important to her, and she is unable to understand why its interesting to anyone else. Just now at dinner we were talking about dating etc in general and she basically commented that women used their appearance and sex to try to catch men to marry, and men try to get what sex they can without being married. (she didn't do this to me - there was never much sex - I was just too inexperienced to realize that it wouldn't change).

Sex robots aren't real yet, but I don't think that they are all that far off. 10-20 years maybe? Difficult to tell where the technology is going. It will be interesting to see how they are received. They might just come across as super creepy like "real dolls".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
I think our biggest difference here is when we consider it "involving" another person. My opinion on this may be unusual:

I don't mind my wife getting off to a picture or video of another man as long as its one-way. To me that means non-interacting. I would not be happy with her having some video linke and telling the other guy what to do - its the up and back interaction where I draw the line. (not saying its the right place, just the way my brain works).

Maybe its because I can't imagine developing any sort of attachment without that interaction. If I see a woman in a porn movie it may get me aroused and make me want sex, but it doesn't make me want sex with *her*. If I were interacting then it would feel like a real person, not just some abstract image, and so I might develop an attachment.

My personal interactions with people are sort of empathic - I'm sensitive to what they are thinking / feeling and how they react to me. If there is only one way communication (watching an image) that link isn't there, and the feedback of each interacting with the other doesn't happen. This is also why although I watch porn as a sort of last resort, I would never prefer it to a real person.

I understand. And really, all that matters is that your wife doesn't mind your use of it. If she told you it hurt her, despite the fact that you think it shouldn't because there isn't interaction, would you stop? Assuming she is willing to work with you in having a healthy sex life.


Another poster, Lizzyb did the experiment of looking at some porn. She found it arousing, but had no desire to have sex with the person in the video. If you have ever seen porn, did you feel any attraction to the person, or just arousal, or was it just a turn-off? I'm wondering if different people react differently, or if people who haven't seen porn imagine a different reaction than the one that porn watchers get.

No attraction at all. I can't say it was a total turn-off because this was in college and my roommates would put it on for fun. But it wasn't arousing. However, I can and do appreciate female beauty, and understand my husband does too. Porn now would be a turn-off, but a Victoria's Secret runway show? Gorgeous. Burlesque dancers at a club? Stunning. But these women aren't naked on display infringing on what I deem my domain - sexual fulfillment with my husband. Strippers and porn stars? Tacky.

BTW - I find the rubber vagina thing gross personally, just bring it up as an example. Strangely I don't find a rubber penis gross, and my wife has more than one as a sex toy that I'm happy to use with her on the rare occasions that we have sex.

We share the same views on this.

Sex bots are to me clearly inferior to real people. What I was thinking about is whether or not I'd be bothered if my wife used one. I think a simple sex bot that performs specific sexual acts wouldn't bother me - it would be just like a vibrator. I sex bot with feelings / emotions would bother me - again that implies this 2-way interaction that is what matters.

Is this a real thing? A bot that can actually perform acts? I was thinking you meant an online bot previously.

All the above about how I'd feel about my wife is assuming that we had a good sex life. Since it is so limited, I do sort of resent her directing any sexual energies anywhere but towards me.

I guess I feel that way now even though we have a great sex life. I wouldn't want my sexual energy or his going towards someone else.
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post #214 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 09:51 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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I think the question comes down to whether the person on the screen in porn is more like a real person or more of a sex toy from the point of view of the observer.

Is a realistic shaped sex toy different from an abstract one? Does it matter if its realistic, or actually a duplicate of a real penis? Would animated porn (that looked real) be OK because its not a real person on the other end.

I separate sexting and camming from porn because of the interaction. Porn involves actors you are very unlikely to ever meet, and who's real names you typically don't ever know. So to me that is the same as them being imaginary.

I can see though the idea of getting off to SOMEONE ELSE being disturbing.

To me though the desire is for the action, not the particular person.

On your other comment, many of us have tried everything we can think of to make our partners desire us more. The reasons for failure differ in each relationship. Some succeeded. Sometimes the failure is because one partner has very little natural desire for sex in a way that seems unchangable.




Quote: from Jessica38 (sorry, multi-quote not working).
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I completely agree that sexting is a form of cheating.

As far as porn though - imagine if your husband decided he only rarely wanted sex with you -maybe once a month, and then didn't enjoy doing things that gave you pleasure. Couldn't you imagine turning to toys and masturbation? For many who are strongly visually stimulated, porn is just a type of sex toy.

I'd like to say no, but I see your point if you want to stay married but are not satisfied with your sex life and your partner is unwilling to work with you. But I'd try everything I could first to figure out what the issue is - sex therapy, for example. And I think masturbation is totally acceptable in marriage. Fantasizing about sex is different from looking at another person's naked body and lusting for them. Sex toys also bring pleasure without including a person outside the marriage.

Not all porn use like the above, but there are many people in that situation - with partners who have sexually abandoned them.


In the cases where someone chooses porn over a willing partner, I completely agree with you.
Everyone in porn is 'someone else'.
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post #215 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 11:48 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

I'm having technical difficulty with the mult-quoting so the previous post was a combination of several people.

To me, without two-way interaction of some sort, it doesn't feel like another person.

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Everyone in porn is 'someone else'.
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post #216 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 12:56 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

I would say: It depends on the function it has in the relationship.

In my case: I use it a lot, and my wife, who totally disapproves of porn anyway, does not know about it and would be mad if she found out.
So, in my case, it is infidelity, and I think it is so for two reasons:
She would FEEL betrayed if she knew, and I, while watching, fantasise in ways that ARE a form of betrayal.

But, that being said, all I would REALLY wish for is for my wife to share my sexuality to a greater extent and for us to live that out TOGETHER.
Hence, I feel caught in a downward spiral as my increasing consumption has become an addiction that alienates me from her.

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post #217 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 10:47 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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She doesn't know that I watch porn, but I expect she would not approve. She would not understand why I wanted porn. I would certainly stop if she was willing to work on what I consider a healthy sex life - in fact I wouldn't have any interest in porn in that case. But she isn't willing, or more realistically isn't able to change how she feels about sex. Its just not important to her, and she is unable to understand why its interesting to anyone else. Just now at dinner we were talking about dating etc in general and she basically commented that women used their appearance and sex to try to catch men to marry, and men try to get what sex they can without being married. (she didn't do this to me - there was never much sex - I was just too inexperienced to realize that it wouldn't change).

Sex robots aren't real yet, but I don't think that they are all that far off. 10-20 years maybe? Difficult to tell where the technology is going. It will be interesting to see how they are received. They might just come across as super creepy like "real dolls".
I can definitely understand this. You've really opened my eyes as to why husbands would use porn. In the situation you describe above, I really see where you're coming from.
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post #218 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 11:07 AM
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She doesn't know that I watch porn, but I expect she would not approve. She would not understand why I wanted porn. I would certainly stop if she was willing to work on what I consider a healthy sex life - in fact I wouldn't have any interest in porn in that case. But she isn't willing, or more realistically isn't able to change how she feels about sex. Its just not important to her, and she is unable to understand why its interesting to anyone else. Just now at dinner we were talking about dating etc in general and she basically commented that women used their appearance and sex to try to catch men to marry, and men try to get what sex they can without being married. (she didn't do this to me - there was never much sex - I was just too inexperienced to realize that it wouldn't change).

Sex robots aren't real yet, but I don't think that they are all that far off. 10-20 years maybe? Difficult to tell where the technology is going. It will be interesting to see how they are received. They might just come across as super creepy like "real dolls".
I can definitely understand this. You've really opened my eyes as to why husbands would use porn. In the situation you describe above, I really see where you're coming from.
What I am learning through my experience and research is that a lot of men who use it wouldn't have to if they have a partner who was willing to have sex when they were having the intense desire and they have open communication. Some couples don't and the women send out vibes that it's the the right time and the men won't voice anything so they take the matter into their own hands and use the quickest way to do it which is visual stimulation. Yes there are some men who use it for other reasons but I'm not talking about them. These normal men who feel they have no other outlet feel guilt and ashamed and just wished they had their woman to share and give all their sexual energy to. If women would take the time to understand how these men are wired and understand the feelings of them and talk to them they maybe could work through it but it takes both and not always one is willing.
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post #219 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 11:35 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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What I am learning through my experience and research is that a lot of men who use it wouldn't have to if they have a partner who was willing to have sex when they were having the intense desire and they have open communication. Some couples don't and the women send out vibes that it's the the right time and the men won't voice anything so they take the matter into their own hands and use the quickest way to do it which is visual stimulation. Yes there are some men who use it for other reasons but I'm not talking about them. These normal men who feel they have no other outlet feel guilt and ashamed and just wished they had their woman to share and give all their sexual energy to. If women would take the time to understand how these men are wired and understand the feelings of them and talk to them they maybe could work through it but it takes both and not always one is willing.
This is exactly what I'm learning here on TAM. I really understand it so much more now, and I feel for men who are trying to make their marriages work with a sub-par sexual life. I actually hope they are finding fulfillment with this alternative.
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post #220 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 11:45 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

One thing I've found on TAM and other sites is the very wide variety of different situations that seem to be similar at a first glance.

Porn use seems to have an especially large variation. There are men who ignore their wives and watch porn, or who expect their wives to behave like porn stars. There are men who are clueless about sex and women and just watch porn. There are men who watch as a last resort when they can't fix their sex lives. There are women who watch when they can't fix their sex lives. There are men and women who watch to enhance their sex lives. Then there are actual addicts who wish they could stop but cant.

People are complicated.

I think when there is a porn issue in a relationship its worth trying to learn about that specific situation rather than looking for generalizations or jumping to conclusions. It takes time and may be difficult because the topic is so emotionally charged, but I think its important.

I'm very happy to see real discussion of issues like this here. Whether or not people eventually agree isn't important as long as they have really thought about the issue.

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This is exactly what I'm learning here on TAM. I really understand it so much more now, and I feel for men who are trying to make their marriages work with a sub-par sexual life. I actually hope they are finding fulfillment with this alternative.
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post #221 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:16 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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post #222 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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People are complicated.

I think when there is a porn issue in a relationship its worth trying to learn about that specific situation rather than looking for generalizations or jumping to conclusions. It takes time and may be difficult because the topic is so emotionally charged, but I think its important.

I'm very happy to see real discussion of issues like this here. Whether or not people eventually agree isn't important as long as they have really thought about the issue.
@uhtred that is a very good point. One problem with porn is that it can also become BOTH the cause AND effect of problems in a relationship. When couples struggle with it, too often the aspect of porn being a symptom of other issues will be overlooked. Then much like going to the doctor with a problem, it os often decided to just treat the symptoms and not even bother to try and find out what is causing the problem in the first place.

I had a teacher in elementary school described drugs to us. She was like "somebody might be in a lot of pain because their head hurts, so they take drugs to make it stop. Meanwhile they just keep on hitting themselves in the head with a hammer over and over and over." In this analogy porn is likely the drug of choice to numb emotional pain in a relationship with some serious issues that are the metaphorical equivalent to hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.

In another situation someone might be struggling to understand their own sexuality, and porn may actually help them understand that their desires are actually common and can be explored within the the context of a healthy monogamous relationship. In this situation porn reduces shame and helps someone understand themselves. This is often cited as an example for those that identify with the LGBTQIA community as something that helps them come out and just be themselves.

Then you have those that initially use porn to enhance their sexuality, but might eventually struggle with how overstimulating and unrealistic that it is. This then likely causes their partners to suffer as in this situation wives are asked to perform sexual acts that may be emotionally/physically uncomfortable or painful as a result of their male partner needing more and more stimulation to reach climax after being exposed to too much porn.

Then you have men/women that perhaps suffer from mild performance anxiety and/or arousal difficulty. Watching a little porn may actually help give them a little stimulation boost needed to get things started. One would argue that doing this is much healthier and safer than using a pharmaceutical solution of administering drugs. This turned out to be exactly the case in clinical trials to try and create a female version of viagra as the "placebo" was very effective at helping couples. Turns out the placebo was that the couples had all been instructed to watch porn, so congress anecdotally asked the pharmaceutical companies to only produce the placebo since it had actually proven effective.

So look at all those situations and ask yourself what happens if porn was forbidden or removed from all of those situations. Would it help or hurt the couples? In some situations perhaps it would actually help, and others it would not.

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post #223 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-26-2017, 08:04 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

I'm new here this is my very first reply or question or whatever...lol! Anyway my issue with porn is that my husband started using porn as a means for release instead of attempting to have sex with me. I cannot keep tract of the gazillion times I've walked in or awakened to him jerking off while watching porn! The first few times it didn't bother me that much but when it started happening on a daily basis I knew this was now out of control. I told him I didn't want him looking at porn anymore because it was stopping us from actually having sex and he agreed but then he started this behavior of jerking off at the foot of the bed while I'm sleeping! I would wake up to him literally jerking off on me! Wth? I finally had enough and asked him why he was doing this and he said it was because I'm so difficult to approach sexually anymore and it was easier for him to keep his connection with me if he visually looked at me while jerking off???? I'm so confused because I have tried to be more sexually available and I've even joined in when I would walk in or catch him jerking off. I would wake up to him jerking off at the foot of the bed and I would again make myself available to him. Am I missing something?


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post #224 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-26-2017, 08:32 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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I'm new here this is my very first reply or question or whatever...lol! Anyway my issue with porn is that my husband started using porn as a means for release instead of attempting to have sex with me. I cannot keep tract of the gazillion times I've walked in or awakened to him jerking off while watching porn! The first few times it didn't bother me that much but when it started happening on a daily basis I knew this was now out of control. I told him I didn't want him looking at porn anymore because it was stopping us from actually having sex and he agreed but then he started this behavior of jerking off at the foot of the bed while I'm sleeping! I would wake up to him literally jerking off on me! Wth? I finally had enough and asked him why he was doing this and he said it was because I'm so difficult to approach sexually anymore and it was easier for him to keep his connection with me if he visually looked at me while jerking off???? I'm so confused because I have tried to be more sexually available and I've even joined in when I would walk in or catch him jerking off. I would wake up to him jerking off at the foot of the bed and I would again make myself available to him. Am I missing something?






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Welcome to the forum

When chronic masturbation overtakes the need for physical intimacy then something has gone wrong between you (not necessarily sex - it could literally be anything - but is now coming out in bad and unhealthy ways). It is important to not be overly critical and accusatory (I'm sure you are not) as stress makes it worse. You need to talk *a lot* about how you feel and why he does what he does. A really good idea to switch off the internet while you two work together to reconnect.

I wonder if you could make a new thread because your question may go missing in a thread that has been on the go for so long. You will get a whole range of advice if you had a thread of your own - it is actually a fairly common problem on Sex In Marriage board. I have been through something similar and managed to work through our issues.
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post #225 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-26-2017, 08:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Journee723 View Post
I'm new here this is my very first reply or question or whatever...lol! Anyway my issue with porn is that my husband started using porn as a means for release instead of attempting to have sex with me. I cannot keep tract of the gazillion times I've walked in or awakened to him jerking off while watching porn! The first few times it didn't bother me that much but when it started happening on a daily basis I knew this was now out of control. I told him I didn't want him looking at porn anymore because it was stopping us from actually having sex and he agreed but then he started this behavior of jerking off at the foot of the bed while I'm sleeping! I would wake up to him literally jerking off on me! Wth? I finally had enough and asked him why he was doing this and he said it was because I'm so difficult to approach sexually anymore and it was easier for him to keep his connection with me if he visually looked at me while jerking off???? I'm so confused because I have tried to be more sexually available and I've even joined in when I would walk in or catch him jerking off. I would wake up to him jerking off at the foot of the bed and I would again make myself available to him. Am I missing something?


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It sounds as if your husband is either dealing with shame of some sorts. Perhaps it is not that you are hard to approach, but more so that he can not let go of is shame and just be himself around you sexually.
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