Is watching porn a form of infidelity? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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View Poll Results: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?
Yes. 11 15.28%
Yes but I am able to tolerate it. 2 2.78%
No but I am still bothered by it. 10 13.89%
No. 49 68.06%
Voters: 72. You may not vote on this poll

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post #16 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 08:10 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

No, watching porn is not infidelity . I will say it becomes a problem if watching it interferes with your sex life with your partner/spouse in any manner.

That said, I cannot watch commercial porn without laughing or at least making fun of what is going on in the film, so for me it is not at all arousing. There are films that are not considered porn that are very arousing for me … “9 1/2 Weeks” is an example. However porn is just really badly made to the point of being silly.

My biggest problem with porn is that I see evidence of men (and perhaps women too?) who seem to think that porn is "real sex" and carry that belief or expectation into real life sexual relationships.
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post #17 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 08:23 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Red Sonja View Post
My biggest problem with porn is that I see evidence of men (and perhaps women too?) who seem to think that porn is "real sex" and carry that belief or expectation into real life sexual relationships.
Yes, that is a problem. I've seen quite a few posts by people who seem to think sex acts they see in porn may have some relationship to reality. That is a problem.
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post #18 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 10:58 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

For Catholics (like myself) it absolutely is. Porn is not only infidelity, it is a sin and destructive to a marriage. Badsanta, you know my thoughts on this.


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post #19 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:40 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I have no objection to porn if it does not interfere with a couples sex life. In particular no one should ever choose porn instead of their partner (assuming that partner behaves reasonably in bed of course).
This statement kept me awake last night!

Although I agree, it can become a philosophical question as to what is unreasonable, I know my husband's expectations of me became increasingly unreasonable as he got deeper into porn. Here are some reasons he gave to me for turning to porn and away from me:

# I couldn't orgasm quick enough (therefore I wasn't very sexual)
# I never had noisy sex (therefore never enjoyed it)
# When I did orgasm I didn't like being touched - skin too sensitive (therefore I didn't like orgasms)
# I wanted extended foreplay (therefore I am probably not attracted to him)
# I needed to drink to have sex (ditto above)

From my point of view

# He came too quickly and then rolled over to sleep (I would finish off in the bathroom)
# I didn't know sex was supposed to be noisy until I watched porn.
# Being sensitive after an orgasm seemed normal to me
# I wanted extended foreplay because I was bored with the sex we were having which was generally geared towards his needs
# I drank because I was sad and probably moderately depressed

A selection of vibrators sorted the orgasm issue along with talking to each other rather than making assumptions.

Porn shaped his expectations of me because he thought all women should be having multiple, very noisy orgasms, very quickly (most porn is geared to get men aroused and finished quickly). Porn doesn't show post coital affection (so he turned and went to sleep). He began to resent time in foreplay because in porn that tends to be over and straight to penetration. Porn doesn't tend to have people communicating on a real level (just dirty talk) so he didn't ask me whether I liked something - he just did it, ejaculated quickly and fell asleep.

My responsibility fell short because I didn't speak up, because I was scapegoating the porn and knew he would never stop when I asked, I stopped initiating, he moved into the spare room. It wasn't until I explored porn that things started to make sense and I was able to talk to him about it in a more intelligent way than just getting angry. He's not interested in porn anymore and the last time we watched it together he shut the lid 5 mins in because he wanted to concentrate on me . so we got there in the end!

It never felt like infidelity but it felt like Mr peacem had left the building, gone to pornland, was having a great time whilst I was left feeling very neglected, lonely and resentful. Like I didn't recognise him. A betrayal of sorts.

Last edited by peacem; 04-04-2017 at 03:45 AM.
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post #20 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:15 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Its cheating mentally. For both of us its a no no. I wouldn't marry a man who thought that looking at porn was ok, I am so grateful to have a husband who goes against the flow. I would never treat my husband in that way, in such an unloving and disrespectful manner. We both feel that the only naked bodies we should see are each other, and we value our marriage enough to keep to that.
Faithfulness is more than actual physical sex.
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post #21 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:21 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
Not infidelity but anyone that had read my posts knows how I feel about it.

I don't believe in hiring prostitutes to stimulate you by watching them have sex.

It is quite a different animal, watching images on a viewing screen and having physical sexual relations with people outside your marriage.

I have heard "church ladies/people" claim watching porn is as bad or the same as infidelity. Complete bull****!
I talked to a lady some time ago who had a husband who had looked at porn for years. She had been deeply hurt by it and said that for her it was far worse that if he had physically cheated with one women. She felt she was having to compete with thousands of women and not just one, and I can see her point completely. I have no idea why she put up with it, I wouldn't.

Last edited by Diana7; 04-04-2017 at 07:26 AM.
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post #22 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:32 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

If you are not hiding from your SO, they are ok with it, and it does not interfere with your sex life, I do not view it as infidelity. Honestly, no matter what I don't consider it "infidelity". There are a whole bunch of other issues if it is being used to replace your SO or your SO has a problem with.

How about the person who uses porn b/c their SO denies them sex, is that considered infidelity?

How about the person who masturbates, and maybe images that are not of their SO pop into their head, is that infidelity?

How about the person who gets turned on watching a sex scene in an R rated movie, is that infidelity?
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post #23 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:36 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Is it infidelity? Only if one or both people in the marriage believe it is.

People who swing or have open marriages don't believe it's infidelity, for example.

There's no black and white with this, or right and wrong - only to the individual do those things exist, or not exist.

All anybody has to do is respect their partners point of view on matters such as this. My ex wife did not want me watching porn AT ALL. She never specifically said why (ie. it's cheating/infidelity) but I suspect that was it. She simply did not want me seeing other naked women and masturbating to it. So, I didn't for a long, long time. At whatever point it was she started loosening her own boundaries (flirting, EA's, etc.), so did I, and that included occasional porn use. As long as the respect goes both ways, everybody's happy.

My current wife has no issue with porn, that I know of. She's not into it herself, and we did try watching together once a long time ago. Did nothing for her. What we watched was also ridiculous and badly acted, so we had a good laugh for a few minutes before she got bored. We've never tried watching 'better' porn together, or amateur, "real" stuff, but I don't get the impression it would get her excited. But I actually don't know that. Maybe one of these days I'll suggest it, but I strongly suspect she would have no interest.


TLDR - it's infidelity if you think it's infidelity. It's not if you don't.

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post #24 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 08:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexm View Post
People who swing or have open marriages don't believe it's infidelity, for example.
@alexm I would argue that people that swing or have open marriages are practicing infidelity in the eyes of the law. So from society's point of view it would cause some serious legal conflicts if one had to address and defend that lifestyle in a court of law. For that reason I would define swinging or an open marriage as infidelity.

Now when it comes to porn, legally speaking that is NOT considered infidelity and could easily be defended in a court of law as exercising one's right to free speech. So if a married couple that was swinging or in an open marriage was doing so for the sole purpose of producing porn, then in the eyes of the law it could then be protected as free speech as well as long as the intent is to publish it.

I find that so ironic ethically. It is as if justice becomes blind to infidelity as long as everyone gets to enjoy watching.
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post #25 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:41 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Infidelity is a violation of a couple's assumed or stated contract regarding emotional and/or sexual exclusivity. If they've agreed to revise their contract, there is no infidelity because there is no violation. Legally, there is almost no enforcement of existing laws, largely because free speech, freedom of association, etc., normally take precedence. Courts have established that consenting adults are free to do as they wish in the bedroom, so any such laws that restrict this are normally unenforceable.

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post #26 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

There do seem to be a lot of people (mostly men) who don't realize that porn is fantasy, that it is no more a realistic representation of sex than a James Bond movie is of espionage. This is probably an increasing problem as porn is so available on the internet that it is "teaching" young people about sex - and teaching them completely incorrectly.

One problem with sexuality is that it is so private that there is no good source of information for most people. No indication of what is "normal". Also, there may be no "normal", peoples sexual interests are so widely varied.

Some people (again mostly men) watch porn and think that sex is 30 seconds of oral followed by 5 minutes of pounding with the woman having constant screaming orgasms before the guy pops on their face. Other people think oral sex is a perverted thing that "normal" people would never do and that women tolerate sex as a way to reward their husbands.

I very glad you and your husband did finally work things out in a way that works for both of you.

Oddly in my case its my wife who wants things to be very fast (hmm, wonder if she watches porn in secret). She gets bored if what I'm doing doesn't lead to a fast O for her and wants me to get out the vibrator to speed things up (as if the only point of sex is to get an O).


Quote:
Originally Posted by peacem View Post
This statement kept me awake last night!

Although I agree, it can become a philosophical question as to what is unreasonable, I know my husband's expectations of me became increasingly unreasonable as he got deeper into porn. Here are some reasons he gave to me for turning to porn and away from me:

# I couldn't orgasm quick enough (therefore I wasn't very sexual)
# I never had noisy sex (therefore never enjoyed it)
# When I did orgasm I didn't like being touched - skin too sensitive (therefore I didn't like orgasms)
# I wanted extended foreplay (therefore I am probably not attracted to him)
# I needed to drink to have sex (ditto above)

From my point of view

# He came too quickly and then rolled over to sleep (I would finish off in the bathroom)
# I didn't know sex was supposed to be noisy until I watched porn.
# Being sensitive after an orgasm seemed normal to me
# I wanted extended foreplay because I was bored with the sex we were having which was generally geared towards his needs
# I drank because I was sad and probably moderately depressed

A selection of vibrators sorted the orgasm issue along with talking to each other rather than making assumptions.

Porn shaped his expectations of me because he thought all women should be having multiple, very noisy orgasms, very quickly (most porn is geared to get men aroused and finished quickly). Porn doesn't show post coital affection (so he turned and went to sleep). He began to resent time in foreplay because in porn that tends to be over and straight to penetration. Porn doesn't tend to have people communicating on a real level (just dirty talk) so he didn't ask me whether I liked something - he just did it, ejaculated quickly and fell asleep.

My responsibility fell short because I didn't speak up, because I was scapegoating the porn and knew he would never stop when I asked, I stopped initiating, he moved into the spare room. It wasn't until I explored porn that things started to make sense and I was able to talk to him about it in a more intelligent way than just getting angry. He's not interested in porn anymore and the last time we watched it together he shut the lid 5 mins in because he wanted to concentrate on me . so we got there in the end!

It never felt like infidelity but it felt like Mr peacem had left the building, gone to pornland, was having a great time whilst I was left feeling very neglected, lonely and resentful. Like I didn't recognise him. A betrayal of sorts.
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post #27 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:54 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
If you are not hiding from your SO, they are ok with it, and it does not interfere with your sex life, I do not view it as infidelity. Honestly, no matter what I don't consider it "infidelity". There are a whole bunch of other issues if it is being used to replace your SO or your SO has a problem with.

How about the person who uses porn b/c their SO denies them sex, is that considered infidelity?

How about the person who masturbates, and maybe images that are not of their SO pop into their head, is that infidelity?

How about the person who gets turned on watching a sex scene in an R rated movie, is that infidelity?
I can only answer for us, but I would't look at porn even if for whatever reason we could't have sex. To us there is no excuse, its wrong and damaging. We also avoid films or programmes with sex scenes in them. My husband is even stricter than me about things like that. If I am watching something and a scene of a sexual nature comes on unexpectedly I will wizz the programme forward.
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post #28 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:57 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexm View Post
Is it infidelity? Only if one or both people in the marriage believe it is.

People who swing or have open marriages don't believe it's infidelity, for example.

There's no black and white with this, or right and wrong - only to the individual do those things exist, or not exist.

All anybody has to do is respect their partners point of view on matters such as this. My ex wife did not want me watching porn AT ALL. She never specifically said why (ie. it's cheating/infidelity) but I suspect that was it. She simply did not want me seeing other naked women and masturbating to it. So, I didn't for a long, long time. At whatever point it was she started loosening her own boundaries (flirting, EA's, etc.), so did I, and that included occasional porn use. As long as the respect goes both ways, everybody's happy.

My current wife has no issue with porn, that I know of. She's not into it herself, and we did try watching together once a long time ago. Did nothing for her. What we watched was also ridiculous and badly acted, so we had a good laugh for a few minutes before she got bored. We've never tried watching 'better' porn together, or amateur, "real" stuff, but I don't get the impression it would get her excited. But I actually don't know that. Maybe one of these days I'll suggest it, but I strongly suspect she would have no interest.


TLDR - it's infidelity if you think it's infidelity. It's not if you don't.
What people with an open marriage do is still adultery whatever they call it.
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post #29 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 10:01 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

I don't think it's necessarily a form of infidelity but it may cause infidelity or other problems in a marriage.

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post #30 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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What people with an open marriage do is still adultery whatever they call it.
Sure, it's adultery. I love adultery! Nothing at all wrong with it, if it's consensual. All adultery is, is having sex with someone who is not your spouse. The definition neither makes nor implies a value judgment. Infidelity is the term that implies a value judgment, because it requires a violation of an agreement.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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