Is watching porn a form of infidelity? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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View Poll Results: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?
Yes. 11 15.28%
Yes but I am able to tolerate it. 2 2.78%
No but I am still bothered by it. 10 13.89%
No. 49 68.06%
Voters: 72. You may not vote on this poll

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post #31 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 10:16 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

James Bond movies are a better representation of espionage than porn is of sex.

But not all porn is what is what people today seem to call porn. My wife and I find porn that is much more realistic. It's probably very boring to most people. But even that is still not like our sex. We take forever.

I asked a female director once why all the scenes are in the 6 to 8 minute range. She said something about that's all the audience wants. Everything is geared to the lowest common denominator, of course. So we set up play lists of a dozen scenes to play in the background as ambiance.

My wife has never been noisy during sex. It turns her on to listen to others, but she is very quiet.

Back in the seventies when we first went to an X-rated movie she had a giggling fit because of a girls' so ridiculous sounds (and we left the theater). Ever since then any time my wife goes, "Ooh, Ooh, Aah, Aah!" I know she is making fun of a movie. R-rated, X-rated, doesn't matter, she is going to end up giggling and making me laugh.

The problem of pornographic films being such extremely bad portrayals of sex is a real problem for society, though, in our opinion. It is truly unfortunate people make so little effort to educate themselves regarding how much more wonderful real sex can be. My wife wishes all young men would be forced to learn to be great lovers, so young women could all be blessed with a great love life. All I can do is shake my head.
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post #32 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 10:35 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

To each their own. It's infidelity if the ground rules of your relationship prohibit it. It has nothing to do with prudish, intolerant, "church ladies" or conversely, those who like watching people hump each other like beasts. It has to do with agreements and established boundaries, or lack thereof.

Watching porn has psychological consequences regardless. If a committed couple has no issues with that, then that's their own business.
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post #33 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 11:22 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
What people with an open marriage do is still adultery whatever they call it.
That's your point of view, however. To them, it's not.

And that's my point - whether it is or it isn't is up to the people involved, plain and simple.

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post #34 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 11:42 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Interesting. For me sex and love are tightly interwoven. Eliminating the sex scenes from a romantic movie would seem to take something important away.

Nothing wrong with your choice, just very different from the way I view the world.

I'm curious, without any sort of movie (or I assume written) sex scenes, what gives you your ideas on lovemaking. Is it all things you discover for yourselves?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
I can only answer for us, but I would't look at porn even if for whatever reason we could't have sex. To us there is no excuse, its wrong and damaging. We also avoid films or programmes with sex scenes in them. My husband is even stricter than me about things like that. If I am watching something and a scene of a sexual nature comes on unexpectedly I will wizz the programme forward.
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post #35 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 11:46 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
I talked to a lady some time ago who had a husband who had looked at porn for years. She had been deeply hurt by it and said that for her it was far worse that if he had physically cheated with one women. She felt she was having to compete with thousands of women and not just one, and I can see her point completely. I have no idea why she put up with it, I wouldn't.
Although I never considered it cheating, I certainly remembering feeling like I was competing with 1000's of young beautiful women. Which is reality because there is always someone with a better body, face etc than us and nobody is perfect.

However, once we got to a stage where we were spending more time together and working on our relationship it occurred to me that that porn really couldn't compete with ME, it was a poor substitute. Porn girls do not get to cuddle with my husband at night, or have actual sex with him, or get lovely gifts, or share a joke, or share the thoughts of the day, or go on holiday together, or enjoy children, or a meal etc etc. Porn took about 10 minutes of his day and he actually had a very low opinion of those girls (disgust) and it made him feel very ashamed. . Whereas when he spends time with me we generally have fun and laugh a lot - we have always been close friends. See the difference?

The realities of life is that we are always under threat of competition (ever been to a beach where women are topless and fit young men in shorts). The last time I went out without my husband I got hit on by a very handsome man, it made me feel good for a few minutes (like I was young free and single), then I went back to my husband and had sex. It felt good to be chatted up, but it was my husband I REALLY wanted. In theory my husband should have been threatened but it just made him smile because he thought he had a hot wife and that hot wife came to him for sex. There is a restaurant that my husband frequents with his friends and he says a lady that works there chats him up and he gets teased a little. In the past that would have worried me but because our relationship is very secure I actually quite like the thought of his ego getting a bit of a massage - as long as he comes to me at the end of the day!

Hope your friend found some closure over this because it can really eat away at you if you let it.
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post #36 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 11:59 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Porn is not sex education and if someone, man or woman, is using it as a baseline for normal sexual expectations, than that person is obviously misinformed.

Why do we send our young people out into the world ill equipped to engage in healthy consensual sexual activity? Why do we withhold vital information about the mechanics of having sex? Why don't we teach them HOW TO HAVE GOOD SEX?

Because of the holdover religious belief system that teaches chastity but doesn't teach how to achieve chastity without keeping a child ignorant, doesn't prepare a young adult to enter into sexual activity with detailed information on the depth and breadth of human sexuality and doesn't prepare young people to talk about sex with their intended because ignorance is key in matters of control.

Because we lament our sex lives but fail to halt the passing down of ignorance and or shame.


Im not suggesting we show adult movie to children. A Monty Python movie perhaps?


"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

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post #37 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 12:01 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

I never saw a movie with a sex scene until after I was married.

I learned by exploring with girls I knew. I started with massage, and worked from there. But that was all in the sixties of last century. When I began reading up on sex, it was mostly biology texts and actual research on sex in college libraries before I got married. But I had pretty much learned everything I found in those texts, because I was very inquisitive with the girls I knew.

Working slow, always looking for better responses, just taking my time, I had learned a lot. I really enjoy massaging girls. By the time I was 17 I knew where the clitoris glans was, and the first part of the clitoral shaft, and how important it was in female sexual response.

All it takes is caring. I never had any trouble finding girls who wanted to let me explore for hours.

My wife thinks modern pornography may be making boys less likely to become good lovers. I think boys are just bad at caring, and porn just gives them other bad examples they can emulate to show how bad they are, and they will do a bad job with or without the bad examples. But hey, I think her interpretation is more optimistic.
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post #38 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 12:29 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
When I first started to struggle to understand myself and my wife's views on this matter I found an odd forum thread on Oprah's website were there was a heated debate about this topic (well over a decade ago). It was endless post after post about varying views as people handle shame and pain related to this topic in very different ways.

It was reading through all these posts that I learned that "lying about porn" to your spouse is way worse than just directly dealing with your spouse's conflicting views on the topic as it undermines trust and communication in a marriage.

I have also read enough on this topic to know that couples that have no issues with porn that may even enjoy watching it together, can evolve to a point to where it becomes a serious problem. An example might be where one spouse gradually refuses to watch it together anymore and later prefers to only watch it alone. In this case it is not hidden, but more of a gesture that one of the two really just wants to be alone and is choosing to actively starve their partner of intimacy. Almost everyone can easily see that yes that is a problem and that porn is being used as a form of infidelity, but I am mostly using this case to illustrate how such a view is not always tied to a religious stance on the topic.

I know not everyone will agree, but as we debate and help others with their struggles as it relates to this topic, it may be helpful to know where TAM stands regarding this topic.

Regards,
Badsanta
Badsanta;

Porn is a very complicated subject. Porn addiction is something else. I think attitudes toward porn are very complicated.

As to one person watching porn and not telling the other, in my mind it is closely tied to masturbation and the "traditional shame" associated with it. While porn may not lead to masturbation, both are about self stimulation (maybe to or not to the point of orgasm). The societal taught shame of masturbation is often associated with porn.

another related topic is the Madonna/***** complex. I lust after the woman I married, then I impregnated her (multiple times) and she became the mother (Madonna) of my children. I might want to do anamalistic and explicitly sexual things with the love of my life, but I can't be so disrespectful to the mother of my children. She is a lady! Actually, I would be happy to, but my wife views herself as a mother and grandmother. She has even told me "You didn't marry a sl#t, don't expect me to act like one, even if it is in private." Ah, yes and she does have the Catholic Girls School imprinted view that masturbation is a horrible sin that will cause you to go to hell, so porn must be the same thing.

During Sex Therapy to save our marriage, the Sex Therapist gave us a few home work assignments to watch Sinclair Institute Better Sex instructional videos and then in the next session report back on what we had seen and thought about specific segments. My wife just refused to watch them as she thought that they were "porn." I would watch them in bed on a laptop, so that my wife knew I was doing the homework to try to save our marriage. She would just turn away and read her romance novel (very very soft romantic porn).

So watching porn together may or may not work, even if it is kind of "tame" and instructional "porn." Yes it was naked people having sex, so my wife called it porn.
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post #39 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 12:59 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

You are a sensualist which is what makes you a good lover. You enjoy the journey which is why you learned about where and how to touch women so that they enjoy being touched.


Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamM View Post
I never saw a movie with a sex scene until after I was married.

I learned by exploring with girls I knew. I started with massage, and worked from there. But that was all in the sixties of last century. When I began reading up on sex, it was mostly biology texts and actual research on sex in college libraries before I got married. But I had pretty much learned everything I found in those texts, because I was very inquisitive with the girls I knew.

Working slow, always looking for better responses, just taking my time, I had learned a lot. I really enjoy massaging girls. By the time I was 17 I knew where the clitoris glans was, and the first part of the clitoral shaft, and how important it was in female sexual response.

All it takes is caring. I never had any trouble finding girls who wanted to let me explore for hours.

My wife thinks modern pornography may be making boys less likely to become good lovers. I think boys are just bad at caring, and porn just gives them other bad examples they can emulate to show how bad they are, and they will do a bad job with or without the bad examples. But hey, I think her interpretation is more optimistic.

I think you're both right. But a caring lad will seek mutuality no matter how mistaken his idea of sex might be. Whereas even the best sex education won't make a selfish man into a good lover.

If you're not into me, you're aren't getting in to me.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

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post #40 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:18 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Teaching about sex and relationships has traditionally been left to parents, and some of them do a terrible job.

Mothers who teach their daughters that men just want sex, and to view it as a sort of bribe to catch a husband, but not something to enjoy.

Parents like mine who couldn't talk at all about sex or relationships. Would never even hold hands in front of me and treated their lives like a business relationship. Mother cooks / cleans / raises kids. Father works, brings in money. No reason for them to ever spend time together.

Romance movies are no better. The teach the perfect partner is someone you originally dislike, who is fundamentally flawed (ex con, ex prostitute etc), and with whom you fight constantly. It may make a good story, but typically the best partner is someone you actually like and enjoy happy times together.





Quote:
Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Porn is not sex education and if someone, man or woman, is using it as a baseline for normal sexual expectations, than that person is obviously misinformed.

Why do we send our young people out into the world ill equipped to engage in healthy consensual sexual activity? Why do we withhold vital information about the mechanics of having sex? Why don't we teach them HOW TO HAVE GOOD SEX?

Because of the holdover religious belief system that teaches chastity but doesn't teach how to achieve chastity without keeping a child ignorant, doesn't prepare a young adult to enter into sexual activity with detailed information on the depth and breadth of human sexuality and doesn't prepare young people to talk about sex with their intended because ignorance is key in matters of control.

Because we lament our sex lives but fail to halt the passing down of ignorance and or shame.


Im not suggesting we show adult movie to children. A Monty Python movie perhaps?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ejaWq2TXRXE
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post #41 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:49 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Not everyone who enjoys the journey learns to become a good lover. The two most frequent reactions to my trying to give women long massages were: "don't your hands ever get tired, we can stop now if you like", and "it isn't doing anything for me, can we just move on to sex so you can get off and we can go do something else". Never figured out how to make it good for my partner. Guess that is how I ended up with a woman who doesn't care much for sex. To her, my lack of technique was not a major downside because she didn't want what I am unable to offer. In the end, probably a good thing. I woman who did enjoy sex probably would have left me or cheated on me. Always a silver lining, right?

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #42 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 06:07 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
I talked to a lady some time ago who had a husband who had looked at porn for years. She had been deeply hurt by it and said that for her it was far worse that if he had physically cheated with one women. She felt she was having to compete with thousands of women and not just one, and I can see her point completely. I have no idea why she put up with it, I wouldn't.
I definitely agree with your sentiment.

Her feelings do not make something true however.

Actually having sex outside your marriage has far reaching consequences that leave watching porn in the dust.

How would she feel if he had a non stop mistress for years? I guaranty she would feel far worse than about him watching porn.

I do believe he is somewhat of an ass hat for disregarding his wife's emotions and wellbeing but we could learn more from his side as well.

BTW. The church ladies I referred to were trying to compare the use of porn by their respective husbands to their very real cases of adultery.

It was some of the most mind bending blame shifting I have ever seen!
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post #43 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 06:28 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Its cheating mentally. For both of us its a no no. I wouldn't marry a man who thought that looking at porn was ok, I am so grateful to have a husband who goes against the flow. I would never treat my husband in that way, in such an unloving and disrespectful manner. We both feel that the only naked bodies we should see are each other, and we value our marriage enough to keep to that.
Faithfulness is more than actual physical sex.
Good point, I wonder how many men who view porn would enjoy their wives orgasming while looking at other naked men? I would feel like a cold heartless witch if I decided to lust after other men while ignoring my husband.
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post #44 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:17 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

I'd have no problem with my wife watching men in porn, but I would have a problem if she was doing it and ignoring me.

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Good point, I wonder how many men who view porn would enjoy their wives orgasming while looking at other naked men? I would feel like a cold heartless witch if I decided to lust after other men while ignoring my husband.
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post #45 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:01 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Sure, it's adultery. I love adultery! Nothing at all wrong with it, if it's consensual. All adultery is, is having sex with someone who is not your spouse. The definition neither makes nor implies a value judgment. Infidelity is the term that implies a value judgment, because it requires a violation of an agreement.
Any adultery will end badly. Its a very serious thing and has no place in a committed marriage. If you want to sleep around then dont get married.
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