Is watching porn a form of infidelity? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

View Poll Results: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?
Yes. 10 15.87%
Yes but I am able to tolerate it. 2 3.17%
No but I am still bothered by it. 8 12.70%
No. 43 68.25%
Voters: 63. You may not vote on this poll

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post #76 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

@Jessica38

Your first link was a review of studies done by others. Not a review of a study conducted by the author. This means the author of your link, browsed various studies done by others and picked out studies that supported her hypothesis.

Secondarily, the studies that the author you quoted, quoted for her review, (the studies she picked out) were all studies done on college students based on self reporting. These are called corollary studies and they are not evidence based.

"Measured levels of commitment among porn "users" and found those who used porn had lower levels of commitment."

But that study only showed a correlation between a cause and potential effect. As we've seen in this thread alone, people in sex starved marriages turn to masturbation and porn for their sexual outlet. Someone inna sex starved marriage would logically have LESS commitment to their partner. So which came first? The study doesn't address that single most important question and therefore the answer the author attempts to explain is a flawed answer.

Also, the very fact that the author chose the word "user" instead of "viewer" broadcasts her intent and bias, which nullifies her hypothesis.


I didn't even bother with your second link.

And this marks the end of the battle of the Google and post war.

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post #77 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:02 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

We will have to agree to disagree. I don't think citing research and peer-reviewed studies is in any way a "google war," after all, you're the one who mentioned that we not make decisions based on ignorance. Reading, learning, and sharing is why we're all here, right? I thought that your sharing the opinion of a psychologist was interesting, just as Diana's input was interesting.

It doesn't have to be a "war" because we use information published on reputable sites and in peer-reviewed scientific journals gleaned from internet search engines.
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post #78 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
We will have to agree to disagree. I don't think citing research and peer-reviewed studies is in any way a "google war," after all, you're the one who mentioned that we not make decisions based on ignorance. Reading, learning, and sharing is why we're all here, right? I thought that your sharing the opinion of a psychologist was interesting, just as Diana's input was interesting.

It doesn't have to be a "war" because we use information published on reputable sites and in peer-reviewed scientific journals gleaned from internet search engines.

@Jessica38 this is my opinion here, but from what I have read regarding scientific research on the topic of porn, it would seem as if scientists have a very difficult time finding a "control group" that has never been exposed to porn. So I have to conclude that any research done on pornography was done so with an actual control group never exposed to porn represents an anomaly in today's society which would likely skew any results of any research.

So for conducting research on couples that do NOT ever watch any porn, where do you find them? Here are a few examples that I can think of:
  • dishonest participants seeking a financial incentive to participate in sexuality research
  • participants that adhere to a very strict religious code of sexual conduct
  • participants that have been abused and have negative attitudes towards sexuality
  • participants that are asexual and unmotivated regarding the topic of sexuality
  • participants that were very overprotected by their parents regarding access to materials of a sexual nature

The idea that you easily could find average couples that have always had access to porn but yet have chosen to completely ignore it feeling that such content is of no use to them is an issue that the scientific community admits is problematic.

So choosing to trust any research on the topic, is also problematic at best.

Regards,
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post #79 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:31 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Jessica, human sexuality is complicated. So complicated in fact that only in the last 10 years have researchers acknowledged most sex research doesn't apply to women. Today, right now today, there is no definitive range of what scientists and clinicians deem "normal sexual response" among women, and even the widely held barometer of normal, the bell curve, is suspect when applied to women's sexuality.

In the last 15 years cardiologists have recognized that women's cardiac symptoms rarely present the way a man's typically does.

Just those two examples tells me that when it comes to women, science doesn't fully understand the depth and breadth of the difference between men and women.

With me so far?

Now, any study conducted about sex needs to ensure parity between the sexes because we know, as in documented factually know, that we cannot apply normal range of sexual behavior to women.

Did those studies find women who used porn at the same rate and frequency the male participants did? Don't know because it doesn't say and if it doesn't say it most likely didn't. And it didn't because it would have had to quadrupled the amount of women in the study in order to gain parity. Because men outnumber women 4 to 1 when it comes to porn "viewing." It didn't even discuss smut (erotic stories) but lots of people lump that into porn also.

Now, I know these things about accepted statistics because I have to know these things, more accurately, I used to have to know these things. But the vast majority of people do not. And since they do not know these things they do not know how to discriminate between valid sexual information and invalid sexual information.

If you did not know that psychologists and the DSMV do not have a definition of normal sexual response for women, if you did not know that women typically present with different symptoms even with quantifiable diseases, if you did not know that current statistics show that men outnumber women 4-1 on visual porn and the jury is still out in smut, you would not know how to spot good info and how to spot crap info.

Since my goal is to PROMOTE understanding and acceptance of human sexuality, I will discredit links that lead to misinformation, or very flawed hypothesis.

While I applaud you or anyone else interested in learning about human sexuality, I would strongly encourage that you use trusted sources for information and learn how to spot crap info.

Here are some excellent sites that I trust

https://kinseyinstitute.org/research...ations/faq.php

Scarleteen | Sex Education For The Real World

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


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post #80 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:36 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Can I suggest a truce!

I think fundamentally everyone agrees that porn addiction exists. I would wager that everyone believes that the road to porn addiction can be a slippery slope.

The same can be said about alcoholism. However, as a society we have not made alcohol illegal nor have be banned it. We have societal norms against public drunkenness.

The key to everything is moderation. Whether it is eating and one's weight, porn use or social drinking.

To me the key is does the watching of porn, harm the partner and reduce their ability to get the sex they need in a healthy marriage? If not then I will go back to one of the lessons I learned in saving my marriage. I cannot change my partner. I can tell them my desires, what hurts me, what pleases me, but ultimately it is my partner's choice as to whether to change their behavior or not change it. As someone in a marriage, I should make my feelings and boundaries known and try to negotiate with my spouse for what I "need," but that doesn't mean I can force my spouse to change.
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post #81 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:39 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

I completely agree that turning to porn and ignoring your partner is very bad. I know that a fair number of men do this.

I was just pointing out that there is also the different situation of men (or women) who turn to porn because their partners refuse almost all intimacy.

There is likely a 3rd case where someones ideas of sex are so distorted by porn that their partner turns down their unreasonable requests.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
I'd prefer he work with me to improve the marriage. My issue with porn is mainly that many men turn to it instead of turning to their wives, especially if there are issues in the marriage. This can affect intimacy big time. Just like I think it would affect intimacy if I turned to other men to meet my intimate needs instead of my husband.
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post #82 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:42 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

There are some very good instructional videos, and some very good erotica out that that represent real lovemaking. In addition to some homemade stuff, some producers specialize in this.

Then the is the continuum to really unrealistic pro stuff.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Clearly I need to broaden my porn exposure! I recently came across this web site dealing with women learning to orgasm... I don't find it porn but it involves frank discussions about the female body and ways to induce arousal and orgasm and naked women being touched to orgasm.


https://www.omgyes.com
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post #83 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:43 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

I won't be discrediting peer-reviewed scientific journals like the Journal of Family and Economic Issues as "spot crap info," as they are respected and acceptable resources in the field, and while I haven't researched Scarleteen, I appreciate the link!

BadSanta, agreed, blind trust in any resource is problematic and science is always evolving, but when asked for evidence, peer-reviewed scientific journals are one of the best primary sources for credible information we've got. But certainly, studies have their limitations.
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post #84 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:50 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
To me the key is does the watching of porn, harm the partner and reduce their ability to get the sex they need in a healthy marriage?
Agree with everything you wrote but I would change the above slightly: To me the key is does the watching of porn, harm the watcher and reduce their ability to provide the sex their partner needs in a healthy marriage?

That is, my job is to provide my partner with the sex they need. If my watching porn bothers them, so they don't feel like having sex with me, then it interferes with me satisfying my partner. If my watching porn reduces my interest in my partner, so I don't feel like having sex with them, then it interferes with me satisfying my partner.

If my partner is satisfied with our sex life, then they shouldn't begrudge me watching porn.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #85 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:27 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Holdingontoit View Post
Agree with everything you wrote but I would change the above slightly: To me the key is does the watching of porn, harm the watcher and reduce their ability to provide the sex their partner needs in a healthy marriage?

That is, my job is to provide my partner with the sex they need. If my watching porn bothers them, so they don't feel like having sex with me, then it interferes with me satisfying my partner. If my watching porn reduces my interest in my partner, so I don't feel like having sex with them, then it interferes with me satisfying my partner.

If my partner is satisfied with our sex life, then they shouldn't begrudge me watching porn.
I'm sorry if this is nit picking...

But "If my watching porn bothers them so that they don't feel like having sex with me" is canceled out by "If my partner is satisfied with our sex life then they should t begrudge me watching porn."

Porn is only a problem when the viewer's partner isn't getting the sexual energy they desire.

Being so bothered by your partner viewing porn that you no longer want sex with them, is only valid, IMO, if the porn they go to involved children or death/dismemberment. Sexual expression is very very varied, there is no normal.

Feeling like your porn viewing partner is being unfaithful because of the porn, is shaming a normal sexual behavior and that is wrong!

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


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post #86 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 05:45 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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You don't seem to get it.
I find it so freeing having a husband who treats me so well as to forsake all others and not look at porn. I love being married to a very moral man who has such standards. We don't 'bind each other' up at all, we both had these standards long long before we met each other and I love him for it. We each have our own moral values, we don't impose them on each other. He is the most easy going, easy to please man I have ever met, he never tells me how to act in this area or what I can and cant do. My moral values are my own. I will avoid sex scenes even if he isn't with me, I don't think its good for our marriage to see them. Intimacy is for us alone. I am not going to bring other men into the marriage bed, even if they are only in my mind. I respect and love him far too much to do that.

I know what porn use and infidelity does, I have seen far too many marriages destroyed by these things.

By sleeping around I was talking about an open marriage not porn.

There are so many studies and articles around now telling us the damage that porn does, both to those who look and to the marriages. We would have to be blind not to know this now.
Yes I do get it, you hold yourself to certain standards which is fantastic for you. What you don't seem to get is that you are being extremely judgemental of how other people chose to live.

The reason you and your husband don't impose your values on each other is that you both chose to live the same life yet you come here and try to impose your values on strangers.

You chose to live the way you do, yay for you. Others chose to live differently but it does not mean your moral standards are higher, you and your husband are not automatically better people because of the way you live.
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post #87 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 06:12 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Yes I do get it, you hold yourself to certain standards which is fantastic for you. What you don't seem to get is that you are being extremely judgemental of how other people chose to live.

The reason you and your husband don't impose your values on each other is that you both chose to live the same life yet you come here and try to impose your values on strangers.

You chose to live the way you do, yay for you. Others chose to live differently but it does not mean your moral standards are higher, you and your husband are not automatically better people because of the way you live.


Totally true.

I applaud those couples who only gaze upon each other's naked bodies...but, I also applaud those kinkster couples who are totally on board with viewing porn, alone or together, who engage in hawt fantasies and role play with each other, or are totally on board with multiples. Whatever a couple completely agrees on should be kosher. Why all the judging?
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post #88 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 06:18 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
I'd prefer he work with me to improve the marriage. My issue with porn is mainly that many men turn to it instead of turning to their wives, especially if there are issues in the marriage. This can affect intimacy big time. Just like I think it would affect intimacy if I turned to other men to meet my intimate needs instead of my husband.
I don't think you are as shallow as this post would indicate?

So a spouse watching porn can, and often does, affect intimacy. A spouse having sex outside of their marriage can, and often does, affect intimacy....as well as betray marriage vows, risks STDs, paternity fraud, etc....

If I came home and found my wife watching porn, I would have a conversation with her while making her feel safe enough for her to open up to me about it and express my feelings as well.

If I came home to find another man inside her and his next conversation would possibly be with God and I might be looking at jail time while filing for divorce and shaming the hell out of my soon to be ex.

Little bit different? Not in your mind?

Last edited by ConanHub; 04-05-2017 at 06:23 PM.
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post #89 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 06:21 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Totally true.

I applaud those couples who only gaze upon each other's naked bodies...but, I also applaud those kinkster couples who are totally on board with viewing porn, alone or together, who engage in hawt fantasies and role play with each other, or are totally on board with multiples. Whatever a couple completely agrees on should be kosher. Why all the judging?
Like many women I have a "thing" for men in uniforms, nothing to do with nakedness. MrH bought a police uniform for some sexy role play. Am I being unfaithful when I have sex with my gorgeous man in uniform?

Yes, what the couple agree is OK for them is all that matters.
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post #90 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 07:13 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Like many women I have a "thing" for men in uniforms, nothing to do with nakedness. MrH bought a police uniform for some sexy role play. Am I being unfaithful when I have sex with my gorgeous man in uniform?

Yes, what the couple agree is OK for them is all that matters.
Oh my god, that sounds so hot! And definitely not infidelity.

I have so many outfits, I have them in a separate wardrobe area. I'm definitely not being unfaithful to my gf, we are just enjoying the role playing. Same with you and Mr. H.

Whatever a couple decides works for them should be beyond judging from others. If it works, it works.

p.s.
Did he have handcuffs?
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