Is watching porn a form of infidelity? - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

View Poll Results: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?
Yes. 8 13.11%
Yes but I am able to tolerate it. 2 3.28%
No but I am still bothered by it. 8 13.11%
No. 43 70.49%
Voters: 61. You may not vote on this poll

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post #91 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:13 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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I don't think you are as shallow as this post would indicate?

So a spouse watching porn can, and often does, affect intimacy. A spouse having sex outside of their marriage can, and often does, affect intimacy....as well as betray marriage vows, risks STDs, paternity fraud, etc....

If I came home and found my wife watching porn, I would have a conversation with her while making her feel safe enough for her to open up to me about it and express my feelings as well.

If I came home to find another man inside her and his next conversation would possibly be with God and I might be looking at jail time while filing for divorce and shaming the hell out of my soon to be ex.

Little bit different? Not in your mind?
If I look at other naked men to orgasm, how is that different than a man looking at other naked women to get off? Not getting it...I never said having SEX with other naked men is the same as a man looking at other naked women. But it would hurt me. In my mind, looking at other naked women to orgasm when you're married is hurtful to your wife, unless your wife says it isn't hurtful to her. Looking at other naked women online, in a strip club, and getting off to them is hurtful to many wives. I'm one of them

ETA: I find sex talk highly stimulating. If I were to engage in sex talk online with another man to orgasm, that would probably be a betrayal to my husband. That's how I would feel if he were looking at another woman's naked body and getting off to her. So that's what I mean by turning to other men instead of my husband to meet what I consider an intimate need in marriage (sexual fulfillment).

I also want to add that I don't feel judgemental about how other people use porn. I find it hurtful and a betrayal of intimacy though if used with a person who is supposed to come to me to fulfill his sexual needs. That's my domain. But what others do and agree to in their own marriage is none of my business. I posted my research citing why I feel it is (or CAN be) hurtful to marriage, and they have nothing to do with religion, but every marriage is different and I realize that not everyone feels the way I (and many other women) do.

Last edited by Jessica38; 04-05-2017 at 09:46 PM.
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post #92 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:26 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Hey, that OMGYes.com is great for everyone, but you really get into the whole what is porn question.

What about hystericalliterature.com for some fun.

But I have to say we have been literature buffs. I got my wife started on reading stories when I started dating her in 1973. My wife's favorite book is My Secret Garden. Her favorite author, of course, is Nancy Friday.

We still run old wacky porn flicks for the fun of it, but they are for our mutual enjoyment, on a loop since they never last long, and we know the sex in them is just stupid.

I only posted again though, in this convoluted thread, because I had to say OMGYes.com is a great site, and I agree people really should see porn like that if people are going to call that porn.
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post #93 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:33 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Also, I'm curious. For every husband here who says they look at porn, how would you feel if you walked in and your wife was getting aroused and excited looking at other naked men? Are you totally ok with that? If she's lusting after another man's body? I wonder if men would feel as hurt by that as many wives do. Maybe not?

Last edited by Jessica38; 04-05-2017 at 09:44 PM.
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post #94 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:56 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Any pornographic movies or videos, or pics, I've watched or seen has been with my wife. She has watched the movies and videos with me. I know she has gotten off on some of the ideas sometimes. Was it the images? I don't know. I never asked. I never cared.

My wife has favorite X-rated movies which get her off every time she watches them. I find it odd the same movies still work to get her off every time she watches them even now after more than 25 years, (Edit: We have been married 43 years, but saw our first X-rated movie 25 years ago) but whatever. There are men in the movies. What exactly in the movies gets her off, I don't know. I don't care, either. I enjoy watching her get off.

I have my wife masturbate for me every day. We've found many different ways to get her excited. That's just one way. As I've said before she usually reads stories. The stories are about people having sex. Since I suspect people who read stories build mental images from the stories I could say she is seeing the guys in the stories. That never bothers me, either.

My wife has a nearly endless supply of orgasms. I get as much sex as I want, from my wife, any time I want it. It works well for me. I see no problem.

Another edit: My wife does masturbate sometimes while I am at work. She texts me about it afterwards to tell me she had been enjoying herself. I don't know what she may have used to help her enjoy herself, and again, I don't care. I know I will enjoy myself very much as soon as I get home from work.

Her fun in no way diminishes me.

Another edit: I will note this is possibly not true if the roles were reversed, because in my opinion men cannot have the sexual capacity women can have.

Last edited by WilliamM; 04-05-2017 at 10:12 PM.
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post #95 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:58 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Also, I'm curious. For every husband here who says they look at porn, how would you feel if you walked in and your wife was getting aroused and excited looking at other naked men? Are you totally ok with that? If she's lusting after another man's body? I wonder if men would feel as hurt by that as many wives do. Maybe not?
this is where so many women give free reign to their more neurotic thinking. I have seen much porn and I've never lusted after anyone in any porn, or erotic art I've ever seen. I can appreciate beauty without wanting to get naked with that person. This is true of everyone who watches porn.

Have you seen and heard the vacuous women in porn? She may have great tits but do you honestly believe your husband watching her have sex is thinking he wishes he married her instead? Because that is just not at all close to true!

I read a lot of smut and it gets me hot. It's not that I want the "book boyfriend" in my bed, the erotic scenarios get me aroused. I am simply aroused, but not lusting after anyone pretend or otherwise. I just want to get laid!

So I reach over to my husband, who is generally watching TV, and I stroke him for a bit. He turns off the TV and says "good story?" And I say do me baby because that story was hot.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


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post #96 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:05 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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To be clear, in no way am I advocating for stricter legislation/laws on porn. I'm a libertarian- live and let live. But porn is shown to cause damage in marriage. That is a fact. Use it at your discretion, but I agree- do not be ignorant of the fact that if you are married, it could impact the intimacy in marriage, as it is shown to do so.

And there are MANY sexual practices (hedonism) that have been a part of ancient cultures/civilaizations. Along with erotic literature and art in Ancient Rome, for example, was widespread prostitution. In no way do I believe that is healthy for modern marriage. Because porn is now more readily available does not make it any less damaging to the intimacy in marriage- in fact, research shows it is actually more damaging due to on-demand instant access, not to mention availability and younger ages.
What damage! When is this so called damage supposed to occur? is it in the first year, the third year, or is it supposed to happen after a decade or twenty years? Or will my wife and I have to wait at least half a century, for it to damage our marriage, or perhaps even longer?

In a few weeks time my wife and I will be celebrating our 18th wedding anniversary, while having shared lots of sex, through almost 21 years of being together. Where pornography has always been something that has been looked at throughout our relationship.

Pornography Use

From the earliest days of our relationship back in 1996, where I had a few VHS videos and a few extremely explicit and not always vanilla French, Danish and German porn mags. Through the late 90's where we got some French and Italian DVD's. Through to today where we sometimes watch mostly non-vanilla very explicit Czech, French, German and Italian amateur or professional porn with a smattering of Japanese stuff thrown in for some giggles as well.

While my wife also sometimes buys me erotic pin up art books (which she also likes) featuring Romain Hugault's Twitter/Amazon terrific illustration work. Or his other work that fits sex scenes with nudity into the graphic novels he illustrates as well.

I will look at porn alone or in bed with my wife (and often masturbate though not all the time) while viewing it a few days a week, through to occasionally every few weeks. My wife and I also share watching it together, every few weeks through to every a few months as something we enjoy before we have sex. While my wife sometimes, though infrequently looks at it on her own as well.

Intimacy

Exempting the times where we are sometimes away for work, a typical week for us is as follows below.

Where we share sex (with orgasm being the norm for both of us) 1-3x through weekdays (usually in the evening) and then share sex 3-6x during the weekend (morning, afternoon and or evenings) as well. We usually talk to each other for at least 2 hours in person on weeknights, talk to each other in the morning as well. Frequently talk to each other for about 10 minutes at lunchtime via phone.

While we also frequently spend our weekends together, where we usually go out somewhere for a day, often without the kids where we play and flirt and are a bit naughty and lewd with each other . We often shower together, sleep naked together, pee naked in the toilet when around each other (there's always privacy for the other requirement). In passing frequently fondle each other when no one can spot us doing it.

At the same time, we're happy to give each other space to read, post on TAM, catch up with friends, do craft in my wife's case, or to draw and paint nude men and (mostly) women for life drawing in my case.

We laugh, make fun of each other, eat out, watch music concerts, go to the theatre, watch films and even go shopping together. Likewise we share our work experiences, and use each other as sounding boards. And even talk about what's being discussed here on TAM as well.

We smile at each other, hold hands, my wife often clings onto my arm while we're out. Plus we both love kissing each other on the lips where we use lots of tongue.

So despite the warnings of relationship harm, pornography hasn't seen our wonderful intimacy wane.

Background

Incidentally when our relationship began, my wife had this idea that porn was bad. So when she saw that I had some, she told me she wasn't comfortable with it. While I told her that I was, then suggested that she should look at it some more and get over it. As a consequence of that she did look at it some more, found some of it quite titillating, decided it was fine and then got over it.

Likewise when we started together, many of my wife's friends were (still are) Christian wowser types (not all are wowsers) of differing denominations, while she had never in her life slept naked or looked at porn. All while she was very new to sex, having only recently lost her virginity a couple of months shy of being 26 with the only man she had been with biblically before me. Up till then then she had been saving herself for marriage, until she had decided that she was being ridiculous waiting (just after her father had died). Of the sex she had it was very limited, where she hadn't even tried giving oral sex and had never experienced an orgasm while sharing that sex.

From that beginning she has happily embraced nudity, porn and a smorgasbord of kinky sex. While also becoming considerably more daring in recent years when it comes to her sexuality while out and about with me. She also models for me so I can paint pictures of her nude and she happily poses for personal sex photos and the like as well.

For a while we were also on a popular Fetish sit as a couple, where we shared some of our own sexually explicit pornographic pictures (with identifying features and EXIF data being removed). In the end though we both found it all a bit boring, so we eventually cancelled our account since neither of us were using it.

Reckoning

Yet you and some others keep claiming that porn damages marital relationships. While my wife and I use and share that porn with no problems, all while having enjoyed a terrific relationship that has to date lasted almost 21 years.

By my reckoning and experience, pornography will only harm marital relationships, where marital partners take umbrage over it and or use it to the exclusion of their partner/s. While pornography will not harm marital relationships, where marital partners embrace it and do not use it to the exclusion of their partner/s.


Is watching porn a form of (sexual) infidelity?

No it isn't, and I also don't think solo masturbation is sexual infidelity either.

I also don't believe dreaming about having sex with others is sexual infidelity. Just as I don't think wanting to have sex with someone other than your partner/s is sexual infidelity. Likewise I don't think seeing or watching naked (or clothed) people or images of the same, where they are doing nothing in particular, all the way through to having sex is an act of sexual infidelity.

All of which is hardly a surprise since I don't buy into the idea, that sexual infidelity is a thing if it's just inside someone's head. Which all comes back to the fact that I don't care what people think, all I care about is what they do.
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post #97 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:28 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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this is where so many women give free reign to their more neurotic thinking. I have seen much porn and I've never lusted after anyone in any porn, or erotic art I've ever seen. I can appreciate beauty without wanting to get naked with that person. This is true of everyone who watches porn.

Have you seen and heard the vacuous women in porn? She may have great tits but do you honestly believe your husband watching her have sex is thinking he wishes he married her instead? Because that is just not at all close to true!

I read a lot of smut and it gets me hot. It's not that I want the "book boyfriend" in my bed, the erotic scenarios get me aroused. I am simply aroused, but not lusting after anyone pretend or otherwise. I just want to get laid!
I thought this was interesting, Anon. Because it doesn't match my experience. I have also seen and read a lot of porn and various forms of smut. But the people I'm looking at DO stir lust in me. They DO invade my fantasies and I end up finding them in my bed (albeit just in my mind). It is certainly not true of me that I don't lust after people in porn. I do lust for them and it feels great! I jill off to these images and thoughts, and I am definitely directly fantasizing about the porn stars and their amazing bodies. (yummm)

However, it does not feel great to me when I'm having sex with a partner and "others" pop into my head and invade our intimate space. So in a relationship, I find it is better for me to not watch porn unless doing it together with a partner. Somehow that helps diffuse the whole thing for me and although the porn stars may still end up in my bed through my head, it won't be as directly invasive as it would be if I was watching porn and jilling off to it regularly.

I assume my partners have definitely truly lusted after and wished to have actual sex with some of the women they've seen in porn. That to me has always seemed an obvious truth about men who watch porn. It doesn't mean they actually WOULD have sex with that woman in any given moment if the opportunity arose, it just means that they are extremely sexually attracted to the woman and certainly would want to sleep with her if whatever conditions the man could imagine would make it possible were to happen. (Doesn't mean he would cheat on his wife if a porn star came on to him, in other words, but if he was single and a porn star came on to him and he had a guilt free way to pull it off, then hell yes he'd sleep with her).

Men my whole life have explained to me how they constantly imagine having sex with every attractive woman they see. They didn't say they just pictured her naked and then used her image in the spank bank later...no they said they literally imagine sprawling the restaurant server out spread eagle on the table in front of them and diving into her. They said these fantasies are not something they choose, it just happens. The mind just naturally imagines sex with any attractive woman they see and yes, they felt lust and actual desire to have the sex (but again, doesn't mean they go outside of accepted behaviors, whatever that means to them).

Understanding this has helped me to understand myself, because I do some similar version of this sometimes, and when I was very young and uninhibited (in my mind anyway) I did it constantly and pervasively.

I eventually decided that I just didn't like how I felt about imagining having sex with everyone I found attractive. It felt invasive, even if they didn't know I was doing it. It felt sort of wrong, like I was demeaning people by quickly objectifying them in my mind's eye. I didn't feel that guilty or anything, I just didn't like a sort of squicky feeling it gave me. So I trained myself to stop doing this and at this point I can say it is no longer a habit of mine.

Though my mind will naturally go there on its own sometimes still, before I have a chance to reign it in. It seems like a natural inclination for my mind to go there.

I'd be interested in hearing what others have to say....do you feel lust for porn stars as you are watching it or later? If the opportunity was right and you were single would you have sex with a porn star who hit on you and would you be all lusty after him/her? Do you feel lust for others you see anywhere in public, or gorgeous beach babes for instance when you are vacationing? Do you imagine having sex with people you see in porn, or people you see anywhere? If you do imagine having sex with others, do you only do it while masturbating or also while having sex with your partner?

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!

Last edited by Faithful Wife; 04-05-2017 at 11:32 PM.
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post #98 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:28 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Oh my god, that sounds so hot! And definitely not infidelity.

I have so many outfits, I have them in a separate wardrobe area. I'm definitely not being unfaithful to my gf, we are just enjoying the role playing. Same with you and Mr. H.

Whatever a couple decides works for them should be beyond judging from others. If it works, it works.

p.s.
Did he have handcuffs?
yes but I am more of a business tie (to the bedhead) kind of gal
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post #99 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:33 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Also, I'm curious. For every husband here who says they look at porn, how would you feel if you walked in and your wife was getting aroused and excited looking at other naked men? Are you totally ok with that? If she's lusting after another man's body? I wonder if men would feel as hurt by that as many wives do. Maybe not?
MrH pretty much feels the same way I do about it all and TBH he would be very enthusiastic if he came home and caught me watching porn. If I was neglecting him for porn then he would be hurt.

Honestly he would be far more hurt by me lusting over another mans car
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post #100 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:41 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Also, I'm curious. For every husband here who says they look at porn, how would you feel if you walked in and your wife was getting aroused and excited looking at other naked men? Are you totally ok with that? If she's lusting after another man's body? I wonder if men would feel as hurt by that as many wives do. Maybe not?
It doesn't bother me.
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post #101 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:35 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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I'd be interested in hearing what others have to say....do you feel lust for porn stars as you are watching it or later? If the opportunity was right and you were single would you have sex with a porn star who hit on you and would you be all lusty after him/her? Do you feel lust for others you see anywhere in public, or gorgeous beach babes for instance when you are vacationing? Do you imagine having sex with people you see in porn, or people you see anywhere? If you do imagine having sex with others, do you only do it while masturbating or also while having sex with your partner?
If I find them sexually attractive I can feel lust for porn stars when watching them or seeing other people in public at the time. Since we have talked about this in the past, I can share that my wife also sometimes feels lust towards others on screen or out in public as well. To the point that my wife and I share common ground in only enjoying watching pornography that features people whom we find sexually appealing.

Yet absent seeing them on screen at other times in public etc, they don't intrude upon my conscience thoughts. That said when masturbating it varies a lot, if I am not looking at pornography I imagine having sex with my wife and or others. Whereas when I am looking at porn and solo masturbating, I often think of having sex with the person/s I am looking at on the screen/page etc. Or I instead also often think about having sex with my wife in the same way and doing the same things with her instead of the persons on screen.

Yet whenever I have sex with my wife, I have trouble trying to think of others besides her (I have tried to see if I can), since when I am with her in the moment (or anyone else for that matter in my experience). I feel consumed and absorbed with whoever I am with at that time and with whatever I am sharing with them. So I am very present with whoever my partners are, whenever I have sex.

The same applies when I watch porn with my wife as well, while just watching it I think of them and her, yet once we get started I just think about her or doing those things with her.

One other thing that sometimes happen as well, is my wife and I will sometimes remember some of our dreams where we seem to have a lot of sex in them.

For example my wife once woke up telling me she had this amazing and strange dream, where we were married yet she had sex with a number of men at the same time while knowing she was cheating on me. Where in her dream it felt natural to do, yet she felt bad about dreaming about cheating after the fact when she woke up. Yet explained to me that in the dream she had no regrets at all and thoroughly enjoyed herself.

Which is funny because I also have lots of dreams where I am sometimes married to my wife, or other women where I have sex with others or my wife or my wife and others, where sometimes she's my wife and sometimes she isn't. Like my wife I enjoy those dreams and feel not the slightest twang of guilt while having them and don't worry about them after the fact either.

The nice thing about such dreams though is when either of us wake up we sometimes compare notes, and tend to be very keen to share scratching that itch even further afterwards.

At the end of the day pornography amongst other things is a lot of fun for us, which is why we have both enjoyed using it over the years.

When my wife comes home and we have some time, I'll show her this discussion and ask her for some additional commentary on what she thinks and feels along the way.
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post #102 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 05:15 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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If I look at other naked men to orgasm, how is that different than a man looking at other naked women to get off? Not getting it...I never said having SEX with other naked men is the same as a man looking at other naked women. But it would hurt me. In my mind, looking at other naked women to orgasm when you're married is hurtful to your wife, unless your wife says it isn't hurtful to her. Looking at other naked women online, in a strip club, and getting off to them is hurtful to many wives. I'm one of them

ETA: I find sex talk highly stimulating. If I were to engage in sex talk online with another man to orgasm, that would probably be a betrayal to my husband. That's how I would feel if he were looking at another woman's naked body and getting off to her. So that's what I mean by turning to other men instead of my husband to meet what I consider an intimate need in marriage (sexual fulfillment).

I also want to add that I don't feel judgemental about how other people use porn. I find it hurtful and a betrayal of intimacy though if used with a person who is supposed to come to me to fulfill his sexual needs. That's my domain. But what others do and agree to in their own marriage is none of my business. I posted my research citing why I feel it is (or CAN be) hurtful to marriage, and they have nothing to do with religion, but every marriage is different and I realize that not everyone feels the way I (and many other women) do.
Thank you for elaborating. I felt I was getting the wrong idea from that post and this one confirms it.

I happen to agree with most of your thoughts here.
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post #103 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 08:27 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Men my whole life have explained to me how they constantly imagine having sex with every attractive woman they see. They didn't say they just pictured her naked and then used her image in the spank bank later...no they said they literally imagine sprawling the restaurant server out spread eagle on the table in front of them and diving into her. They said these fantasies are not something they choose, it just happens. The mind just naturally imagines sex with any attractive woman they see and yes, they felt lust and actual desire to have the sex (but again, doesn't mean they go outside of accepted behaviors, whatever that means to them).
During my perimenopause years when my sex drive was uncontainable, I experienced this all the time. In meetings, at the store, anywhere I encountered a man who wasn't unattractive, (which is different from being attractive) I automatically imagined having sex with him right there and then. It not that I wanted to have sex with him, or even felt attracted to him, my mind just automatically pictured sex with him. I even found myself automatically checking out men's packages which embarrassed me because my eyes just went there. Now that full menopause has hit and my sex drive has slowed down to what I consider normal levels, I don't experience those automatic sex images...but sometimes it happens.


Quote:
interested in hearing what others have to say....do you feel lust for porn stars as you are watching it or later? If the opportunity was right and you were single would you have sex with a porn star who hit on you and would you be all lusty after him/her? Do you feel lust for others you see anywhere in public, or gorgeous beach babes for instance when you are vacationing? Do you imagine having sex with people you see in porn, or people you see anywhere? If you do imagine having sex with others, do you only do it while masturbating or also while having sex with your partner?

What I imagine during jilly sessions are scenarios that turn me on not people or even body types. When porn or smut gets me hot, it's the scenarios and sometimes the positions that hit me, not the people. Imagined personality types also turn me on. Although I joke that I would drop everything to jump in bed with Daniel Craig, my mind also goes to the second part needed for an attraction to take root and that is his personality. All of my fantasies involve faceless lovers. I've never been able to put a face (other than my husband's) to a fantasy, even if I start out the fantasy with not my husband. I knew my marriage was in deep deep trouble when I couldn't force my husband's face or the impression it was him into any fantasy jilly session. Masturbation always centers around an erotic scenario.

You know what I just realized? Back in my 40's when I fantasize I always imagined that I was 25 in all of my fantasies. But when I hit 50 I stopped imagining myself as a 25 year old with a 25 year old body. I know imagine myself in my body the way it is today curvy and soft and feminine. Ha! I turn myself on!

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post #104 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:02 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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I'd be interested in hearing what others have to say....do you feel lust for porn stars as you are watching it or later? If the opportunity was right and you were single would you have sex with a porn star who hit on you and would you be all lusty after him/her? Do you feel lust for others you see anywhere in public, or gorgeous beach babes for instance when you are vacationing? Do you imagine having sex with people you see in porn, or people you see anywhere? If you do imagine having sex with others, do you only do it while masturbating or also while having sex with your partner?
I'm interested too in this question and curious to hear what others respond
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post #105 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:48 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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I'd be interested in hearing what others have to say....do you feel lust for porn stars as you are watching it or later? If the opportunity was right and you were single would you have sex with a porn star who hit on you and would you be all lusty after him/her? Do you feel lust for others you see anywhere in public, or gorgeous beach babes for instance when you are vacationing? Do you imagine having sex with people you see in porn, or people you see anywhere? If you do imagine having sex with others, do you only do it while masturbating or also while having sex with your partner?
May be a bit hypocritical, but I would not have interest in sex with a porn star. Honestly, the idea that they have been tossed around left and right, might have a gift that could keep on giving, etc... is completely unappealing to me (in the case I was in a situation with them).
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