Is watching porn a form of infidelity? - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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View Poll Results: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?
Yes. 11 15.28%
Yes but I am able to tolerate it. 2 2.78%
No but I am still bothered by it. 10 13.89%
No. 49 68.06%
Voters: 72. You may not vote on this poll

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post #106 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Wouldn't bother me at all unless she was doing this and also turning me down for sex. I have no problem at all with fantasy as long as people recognize the difference between fantasy and reality.



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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Also, I'm curious. For every husband here who says they look at porn, how would you feel if you walked in and your wife was getting aroused and excited looking at other naked men? Are you totally ok with that? If she's lusting after another man's body? I wonder if men would feel as hurt by that as many wives do. Maybe not?
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post #107 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:02 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Porn for me is about the activities, not the people. Most often I fantasize about my wife doing things that I see in porn but that she is not wiling to do.

I also find there are two different types of "lust":

Casual lust: The woman at the starbucks where I get coffee is really attractive to me. I could easily fantasize about sex with her. This is true of a number of women I've seen and a number of porn stars. They are good subjects for fantasy sex. At the same time I have no desire in real life to have sex with her or porn stars. Its just a sort of casual lust with no direction. I would have no difficulty politely turning down an offer of sex from them.

Directed lust: There are women that given the opportunity and if I were not married I would really want for sex. These are women that I know well and really like. I hope not to ever act on it, but I would have to work very hard to turn down an offer from one of those women.




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Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
I thought this was interesting, Anon. Because it doesn't match my experience. I have also seen and read a lot of porn and various forms of smut. But the people I'm looking at DO stir lust in me. They DO invade my fantasies and I end up finding them in my bed (albeit just in my mind). It is certainly not true of me that I don't lust after people in porn. I do lust for them and it feels great! I jill off to these images and thoughts, and I am definitely directly fantasizing about the porn stars and their amazing bodies. (yummm)

However, it does not feel great to me when I'm having sex with a partner and "others" pop into my head and invade our intimate space. So in a relationship, I find it is better for me to not watch porn unless doing it together with a partner. Somehow that helps diffuse the whole thing for me and although the porn stars may still end up in my bed through my head, it won't be as directly invasive as it would be if I was watching porn and jilling off to it regularly.

I assume my partners have definitely truly lusted after and wished to have actual sex with some of the women they've seen in porn. That to me has always seemed an obvious truth about men who watch porn. It doesn't mean they actually WOULD have sex with that woman in any given moment if the opportunity arose, it just means that they are extremely sexually attracted to the woman and certainly would want to sleep with her if whatever conditions the man could imagine would make it possible were to happen. (Doesn't mean he would cheat on his wife if a porn star came on to him, in other words, but if he was single and a porn star came on to him and he had a guilt free way to pull it off, then hell yes he'd sleep with her).

Men my whole life have explained to me how they constantly imagine having sex with every attractive woman they see. They didn't say they just pictured her naked and then used her image in the spank bank later...no they said they literally imagine sprawling the restaurant server out spread eagle on the table in front of them and diving into her. They said these fantasies are not something they choose, it just happens. The mind just naturally imagines sex with any attractive woman they see and yes, they felt lust and actual desire to have the sex (but again, doesn't mean they go outside of accepted behaviors, whatever that means to them).

Understanding this has helped me to understand myself, because I do some similar version of this sometimes, and when I was very young and uninhibited (in my mind anyway) I did it constantly and pervasively.

I eventually decided that I just didn't like how I felt about imagining having sex with everyone I found attractive. It felt invasive, even if they didn't know I was doing it. It felt sort of wrong, like I was demeaning people by quickly objectifying them in my mind's eye. I didn't feel that guilty or anything, I just didn't like a sort of squicky feeling it gave me. So I trained myself to stop doing this and at this point I can say it is no longer a habit of mine.

Though my mind will naturally go there on its own sometimes still, before I have a chance to reign it in. It seems like a natural inclination for my mind to go there.

I'd be interested in hearing what others have to say....do you feel lust for porn stars as you are watching it or later? If the opportunity was right and you were single would you have sex with a porn star who hit on you and would you be all lusty after him/her? Do you feel lust for others you see anywhere in public, or gorgeous beach babes for instance when you are vacationing? Do you imagine having sex with people you see in porn, or people you see anywhere? If you do imagine having sex with others, do you only do it while masturbating or also while having sex with your partner?
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post #108 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

I'm glad to know that for those of you who do use porn, you don't have a double standard when it comes to your spouse. I remember dating a guy in college who commented on how "hot" an actress was in a movie when she was "playing with herself" and when my girlfriend and I started giving it back to him by exclaiming how "ripped and gorgeous" her male co-star was, he started to get upset.
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post #109 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:17 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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May be a bit hypocritical, but I would not have interest in sex with a porn star. Honestly, the idea that they have been tossed around left and right, might have a gift that could keep on giving, etc... is completely unappealing to me (in the case I was in a situation with them).
I understand this....but the question was really more about lust and attraction for others. What if she wasn't a porn star, just looked super hot and like she'd be DTF at any moment, she is hitting on you, you are single, etc......

I was just shocked that Anon was saying that the actual people in porn do not stir any lust or attraction in her. I really always assumed that the people (the way they look, what they do and say, etc) do cause lust in those who are watching. I'm still kind of confused by this.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #110 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:18 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Also, I'm curious. For every husband here who says they look at porn, how would you feel if you walked in and your wife was getting aroused and excited looking at other naked men? Are you totally ok with that? If she's lusting after another man's body? I wonder if men would feel as hurt by that as many wives do. Maybe not?
I'd be totally ok with that. It would only be a problem if it's a substitute for having sex with me, or if our sex life was inadequate. I think this is generally true: if porn interferes with having good sex with your spouse - assuming they want sex - then it's a problem. Otherwise, it's not.

Porn is just an aid to scratching an itch that you can't scratch at that moment by having sex with your spouse. And occasionally it's just a means for a quick release when you aren't in the mood for sex with your spouse. I can achieve the same thing with my imagination - it's just a lot more work. Porn is an aid, just like a vibrator is an aid for many women - you're not lusting after the aid, it's just a means to an end.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #111 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:20 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
I understand this....but the question was really more about lust and attraction for others. What if she wasn't a porn star, just looked super hot and like she'd be DTF at any moment, she is hitting on you, you are single, etc......
Tough call. Maybe I am not a good gauge, but I have never been a ONS or fling type of person, so regardless of how hot she looked or if she was DTF at that moment I would pass. For me, still too many questions about her past, STDs, etc... that would calm the blood flow downstairs and move it back into the head on my shoulders Doesn't make me any better or worse then the person who would "jump" on the opportunity without a second thought, just seems to be how I am wired.
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post #112 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:26 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Porn is an aid, just like a vibrator is an aid for many women - you're not lusting after the aid, it's just a means to an end.
I don't see it as the same. A vibrator does not include another woman or man that I'm looking at and imagining having sex with. I use one and my husband got it for me- I fantasize about what I recently did with him or what he said when I use it. Likewise, he watches videos of the two of us when I'm not around.
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post #113 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:27 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Tough call. Maybe I am not a good gauge, but I have never been a ONS or fling type of person, so regardless of how hot she looked or if she was DTF at that moment I would pass. For me, still too many questions about her past, STDs, etc... that would calm the blood flow downstairs and move it back into the head on my shoulders Doesn't make me any better or worse then the person who would "jump" on the opportunity without a second thought, just seems to be how I am wired.
That sounds accurate. I did nothing but hookups before meeting my wife and would have no problem bedding a porn star.

I think the wiring is key here.
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post #114 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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I really always assumed that the people (the way they look, what they do and say, etc) do cause lust in those who are watching. I'm still kind of confused by this.
I can't speak for anyone else, but the people in porn do not cause lust for me. It's the scenarios or acts that create arousal. Sure, many are very attractive, but I really don't remember what any of them look like once the video is ended. Just like a beautiful woman out in public who draws my attention does not inspire lust - just a brief appreciation.

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post #115 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:32 AM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Also, I'm curious. For every husband here who says they look at porn, how would you feel if you walked in and your wife was getting aroused and excited looking at other naked men? Are you totally ok with that? If she's lusting after another man's body? I wonder if men would feel as hurt by that as many wives do. Maybe not?
I remember years and years ago the general advice on a parent forum was to reverse the tables and make sure you have hot young men with enormous cocks on our computers and phones. Just to make them see how hurtful it is.

So that is what I did...but it just made him laugh. I remember he looked through my phone, found a naked pic and said something like 'I think he might be the best looking guy I have ever seen'.

He really didn't care.

He doesn't like me looking at fetish stuff or group sex. For some reason that bothers him, but not to the point of being upset or jealous, just a bit worried.
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post #116 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Also, I'm curious. For every husband here who says they look at porn, how would you feel if you walked in and your wife was getting aroused and excited looking at other naked men? Are you totally ok with that? If she's lusting after another man's body? I wonder if men would feel as hurt by that as many wives do. Maybe not?
I'd be totally ok with that. It would only be a problem if it's a substitute for having sex with me, or if our sex life was inadequate. I think this is generally true: if porn interferes with having good sex with your spouse - assuming they want sex - then it's a problem. Otherwise, it's not.

Porn is just an aid to scratching an itch that you can't scratch at that moment by having sex with your spouse. And occasionally it's just a means for a quick release when you aren't in the mood for sex with your spouse. I can achieve the same thing with my imagination - it's just a lot more work. Porn is an aid, just like a vibrator is an aid for many women - you're not lusting after the aid, it's just a means to an end.
Some people use it this way. For me when I tried to see what porn was all about to try and understand it, when I watched it I was already aroused before so while I watched the men I didn't think they were hot, they had a nice face and a nice body but what heightened my arousal was just the act and seeing how they were feeling good doing it. After I turned it off I had no desire for them and didn't while watching it either. The images did stick in my head a little but not because I wanted them to just because I can visualize things I have seen. It can happen with grotesque images as well, they just stick
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post #117 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:47 AM
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I really always assumed that the people (the way they look, what they do and say, etc) do cause lust in those who are watching. I'm still kind of confused by this.
I can't speak for anyone else, but the people in porn do not cause lust for me. It's the scenarios or acts that create arousal. Sure, many are very attractive, but I really don't remember what any of them look like once the video is ended. Just like a beautiful woman out in public who draws my attention does not inspire lust - just a brief appreciation.
That's exactly how my partner describes it. He used it as an aid when he was aroused and I was not able to have sex. It hurt, but as I try to understand his thinking and seeing your comment right now it makes me see that some people do think this way. He notices attractive women but not in a lusty way and he doesn't gawk, he says it's just an appreciation usually when he sees a woman in good shape who takes care of herself, but he notices then that's it, it's forotten. He says he isn't the type who sees a woman and is blown away it's only happened twice for him so he says. He needs a connection. He has never had a ONS and doesn't see how pepole can. He is more like a woman in some of his thoughts, he likes post coital tenderness and talking and doesn't want to have sex unless I can be emotionally connected otherwise he feels used. It took awhile for me to get on board since I used sex for selfish reasons and I am barely starting to see it as real intimacy and the orgasm is not the focus where it used to be for me lol
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post #118 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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I understand this....but the question was really more about lust and attraction for others. What if she wasn't a porn star, just looked super hot and like she'd be DTF at any moment, she is hitting on you, you are single, etc......

I was just shocked that Anon was saying that the actual people in porn do not stir any lust or attraction in her. I really always assumed that the people (the way they look, what they do and say, etc) do cause lust in those who are watching. I'm still kind of confused by this.
I watch porn and the actual people do not stir any lust or attraction in me (assuming that they're not physically repulsive).

It's what they're doing, not who they are.
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post #119 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 01:33 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Also, I'm curious. For every husband here who says they look at porn, how would you feel if you walked in and your wife was getting aroused and excited looking at other naked men? Are you totally ok with that? If she's lusting after another man's body? I wonder if men would feel as hurt by that as many wives do. Maybe not?
If I walked in and saw my wife getting aroused and excited looking at people having sex, that's totally cool.

If I walked in and saw my wife getting aroused and excited looking at a naked man by himself, not having sex, that would bother me a bit.

The first is about getting aroused by sex.

The second is about getting aroused by a man (other than me).
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post #120 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 01:48 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

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I watch porn and the actual people do not stir any lust or attraction in me (assuming that they're not physically repulsive).

It's what they're doing, not who they are.
Let's not forget, the whole HD (as in hi def, not high drive) revolution is not necessarily great for porn lol.
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