Is watching porn a form of infidelity? - Talk About Marriage
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View Poll Results: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?
Yes. 11 15.28%
Yes but I am able to tolerate it. 2 2.78%
No but I am still bothered by it. 10 13.89%
No. 49 68.06%
Voters: 72. You may not vote on this poll

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post #1 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 03:17 PM Thread Starter
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Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

When I first started to struggle to understand myself and my wife's views on this matter I found an odd forum thread on Oprah's website were there was a heated debate about this topic (well over a decade ago). It was endless post after post about varying views as people handle shame and pain related to this topic in very different ways.

It was reading through all these posts that I learned that "lying about porn" to your spouse is way worse than just directly dealing with your spouse's conflicting views on the topic as it undermines trust and communication in a marriage.

I have also read enough on this topic to know that couples that have no issues with porn that may even enjoy watching it together, can evolve to a point to where it becomes a serious problem. An example might be where one spouse gradually refuses to watch it together anymore and later prefers to only watch it alone. In this case it is not hidden, but more of a gesture that one of the two really just wants to be alone and is choosing to actively starve their partner of intimacy. Almost everyone can easily see that yes that is a problem and that porn is being used as a form of infidelity, but I am mostly using this case to illustrate how such a view is not always tied to a religious stance on the topic.

I know not everyone will agree, but as we debate and help others with their struggles as it relates to this topic, it may be helpful to know where TAM stands regarding this topic.

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post #2 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 03:28 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

In our relationship - no it isn't cheating. But it is a no no for my husband because in the past he let it lead to activities that ARE cheating. So it's not cheating to look at just porn (ie pictures/videos), but it is an activity that he doesn't allow himself because of what he's done in the past with it.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #3 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 04:07 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

I believe it is a form of betrayal if it hurts your spouse. Anything that comes before your spouse will come between you. According to Dr. Harley at Marriage Builders, it is a form of independent behavior, doing something that might hurt your spouse without taking their feelings into consideration.

But if two consenting adults in a LTR and marriage are both totally fine with it, and are open and honest about it...that's a different situation. It's not one I'd choose though.
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post #4 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 04:14 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Not infidelity but anyone that had read my posts knows how I feel about it.

I don't believe in hiring prostitutes to stimulate you by watching them have sex.

It is quite a different animal, watching images on a viewing screen and having physical sexual relations with people outside your marriage.

I have heard "church ladies/people" claim watching porn is as bad or the same as infidelity. Complete bull****!
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post #5 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 04:14 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Even at the height of me really, really hating porn I never considered it cheating - in fact I had only seen it described as such when I came to TAM.

The lying hurt quite a bit and it made me question everything he said to me as he was able to lie so well (he also lied to me about lots of things unconnected to porn - so there were already issues there). But even then I understood WHY he lied and was self aware enough to understand I was contributing to the deceit.

The biggest and most damaging aspect of porn was when he chose IT over me. For instance he would sometimes stay at home whilst I went out with friends/family so he could use it (when I wanted him to be with me). He would pretend to be ill so he could 'sleep' in the spare room. When he did sleep next to me he would wake up early to use porn when I would have liked to be intimate.

NOW I know there were reasons for all this and we have worked through our issues and reconnected - but at the time it didn't feel like infidelity, but most certainly a betrayal of sorts - like he wasn't part of the team - he was just out to please himself. It was difficult to take when I had my second child and completely lost my figure, he no longer wanted to bathe with me or be intimate like he used to. I felt replaced by better things.
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post #6 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 04:16 PM
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Cool Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

If it is a temptation to cheating, then it does not need to be happening!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #7 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 04:51 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Neither my wife nor I have any problem with it. But neither of us have much interest in what seems to be called porn these days, either.

We enjoy erotic literature more. Stories. My wife entertains herself quite often. It takes nothing from me. Whenever I get home from work she is certainly always fun.
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post #8 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 04:53 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

It is not using porn that is a problem. It is hiding the porn use. Perfectly OK to use porn if your spouse knows and approves. Not so good to use porn if you know your spouse would disapprove.

I can understand using it if your spouse does not make themselves available sexually. But in most cases it is better to divorce than to continue using porn over your spouse's objection as a way to cope with a sexless marriage.

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post #9 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 05:02 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

I have no objection to porn if it does not interfere with a couples sex life. In particular no one should ever choose porn instead of their partner (assuming that partner behaves reasonably in bed of course).

I have no patience with people frequently turn their partners down for sex, then object to their partners watching porn.
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post #10 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 05:52 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

I answered no. Both my gf and I watch it together or separately, particularly if we are trying to find tutorials for certain acts we want to do correctly (kink) or one or the other of us is looking for a hot new scene to try. It doesn't take away from our sex together. In the cases where it does, porn can become an issue.
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post #11 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 06:03 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

If your advoiding sex with your partner and using porn then in my book its cheating. Or a least then next worse thing.

And by using porn I mean tickling the kitty or choking the chicken while watching.
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post #12 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 06:06 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Yes it is.

And it is voyeurism.
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post #13 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 07:42 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

It's no more cheating than watching Daniel Craig walk down the beach in his swim trunks.
It's no more cheating than watching any R rated movie in which two characters are having sex.

We, thankfully, do not live in a society that blames sexual misconduct on anyone other than the person misbehaving. If your husband has a porn problem, it's not porn, it's your husband. Your husband has an intimacy problem. Sex creates intimacy but porn allows a sexual outlet bypassing intimacy. That's not porn's fault.

It would be wise for an alcoholic to avoid bars at all costs. The alcoholic doesn't blame the booze. It would be wise for someone with intimacy problems to avoid porn, but don't blame porn.

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post #14 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 07:48 PM
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My poor brother got caught masturbating to a Victoria's secret catalog. Both his wife and mother in law walked in on him. His wife accused him of cheating on her. Can't believe he's still with her.

My husband occasionally uses porn when we haven't had sex for a couple days. I have no problems with it as it doesn't impact our sex life at all.
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post #15 of 238 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 07:55 PM
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Re: Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

Isn't cheating in my world but rarely looked at these days by either of us. We have a lot of sex and intimacy, if this changed and he chose porn over us then I would blame him not the porn.
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