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Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

  • Yes.

    Votes: 14 16.1%
  • Yes but I am able to tolerate it.

    Votes: 3 3.4%
  • No but I am still bothered by it.

    Votes: 13 14.9%
  • No.

    Votes: 57 65.5%
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Is watching porn a form of infidelity?

25K views 249 replies 48 participants last post by  uhtred 
#1 ·
When I first started to struggle to understand myself and my wife's views on this matter I found an odd forum thread on Oprah's website were there was a heated debate about this topic (well over a decade ago). It was endless post after post about varying views as people handle shame and pain related to this topic in very different ways.

It was reading through all these posts that I learned that "lying about porn" to your spouse is way worse than just directly dealing with your spouse's conflicting views on the topic as it undermines trust and communication in a marriage.

I have also read enough on this topic to know that couples that have no issues with porn that may even enjoy watching it together, can evolve to a point to where it becomes a serious problem. An example might be where one spouse gradually refuses to watch it together anymore and later prefers to only watch it alone. In this case it is not hidden, but more of a gesture that one of the two really just wants to be alone and is choosing to actively starve their partner of intimacy. Almost everyone can easily see that yes that is a problem and that porn is being used as a form of infidelity, but I am mostly using this case to illustrate how such a view is not always tied to a religious stance on the topic.

I know not everyone will agree, but as we debate and help others with their struggles as it relates to this topic, it may be helpful to know where TAM stands regarding this topic.

Regards,
Badsanta
 
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#2 ·
In our relationship - no it isn't cheating. But it is a no no for my husband because in the past he let it lead to activities that ARE cheating. So it's not cheating to look at just porn (ie pictures/videos), but it is an activity that he doesn't allow himself because of what he's done in the past with it.
 
#3 ·
I believe it is a form of betrayal if it hurts your spouse. Anything that comes before your spouse will come between you. According to Dr. Harley at Marriage Builders, it is a form of independent behavior, doing something that might hurt your spouse without taking their feelings into consideration.

But if two consenting adults in a LTR and marriage are both totally fine with it, and are open and honest about it...that's a different situation. It's not one I'd choose though.
 
#4 ·
Not infidelity but anyone that had read my posts knows how I feel about it.

I don't believe in hiring prostitutes to stimulate you by watching them have sex.

It is quite a different animal, watching images on a viewing screen and having physical sexual relations with people outside your marriage.

I have heard "church ladies/people" claim watching porn is as bad or the same as infidelity. Complete bull****!
 
#21 · (Edited)
I talked to a lady some time ago who had a husband who had looked at porn for years. She had been deeply hurt by it and said that for her it was far worse that if he had physically cheated with one women. She felt she was having to compete with thousands of women and not just one, and I can see her point completely. I have no idea why she put up with it, I wouldn't.
 
#5 ·
Even at the height of me really, really hating porn I never considered it cheating - in fact I had only seen it described as such when I came to TAM.

The lying hurt quite a bit and it made me question everything he said to me as he was able to lie so well (he also lied to me about lots of things unconnected to porn - so there were already issues there). But even then I understood WHY he lied and was self aware enough to understand I was contributing to the deceit.

The biggest and most damaging aspect of porn was when he chose IT over me. For instance he would sometimes stay at home whilst I went out with friends/family so he could use it (when I wanted him to be with me). He would pretend to be ill so he could 'sleep' in the spare room. When he did sleep next to me he would wake up early to use porn when I would have liked to be intimate.

NOW I know there were reasons for all this and we have worked through our issues and reconnected - but at the time it didn't feel like infidelity, but most certainly a betrayal of sorts - like he wasn't part of the team - he was just out to please himself. It was difficult to take when I had my second child and completely lost my figure, he no longer wanted to bathe with me or be intimate like he used to. I felt replaced by better things.
 
#8 ·
It is not using porn that is a problem. It is hiding the porn use. Perfectly OK to use porn if your spouse knows and approves. Not so good to use porn if you know your spouse would disapprove.

I can understand using it if your spouse does not make themselves available sexually. But in most cases it is better to divorce than to continue using porn over your spouse's objection as a way to cope with a sexless marriage.
 
#19 · (Edited)
I have no objection to porn if it does not interfere with a couples sex life. In particular no one should ever choose porn instead of their partner (assuming that partner behaves reasonably in bed of course).
This statement kept me awake last night! :smile2:

Although I agree, it can become a philosophical question as to what is unreasonable, I know my husband's expectations of me became increasingly unreasonable as he got deeper into porn. Here are some reasons he gave to me for turning to porn and away from me:

# I couldn't orgasm quick enough (therefore I wasn't very sexual)
# I never had noisy sex (therefore never enjoyed it)
# When I did orgasm I didn't like being touched - skin too sensitive (therefore I didn't like orgasms)
# I wanted extended foreplay (therefore I am probably not attracted to him)
# I needed to drink to have sex (ditto above)

From my point of view

# He came too quickly and then rolled over to sleep (I would finish off in the bathroom)
# I didn't know sex was supposed to be noisy until I watched porn.
# Being sensitive after an orgasm seemed normal to me
# I wanted extended foreplay because I was bored with the sex we were having which was generally geared towards his needs
# I drank because I was sad and probably moderately depressed

A selection of vibrators sorted the orgasm issue along with talking to each other rather than making assumptions.

Porn shaped his expectations of me because he thought all women should be having multiple, very noisy orgasms, very quickly (most porn is geared to get men aroused and finished quickly). Porn doesn't show post coital affection (so he turned and went to sleep). He began to resent time in foreplay because in porn that tends to be over and straight to penetration. Porn doesn't tend to have people communicating on a real level (just dirty talk) so he didn't ask me whether I liked something - he just did it, ejaculated quickly and fell asleep.

My responsibility fell short because I didn't speak up, because I was scapegoating the porn and knew he would never stop when I asked, I stopped initiating, he moved into the spare room. It wasn't until I explored porn that things started to make sense and I was able to talk to him about it in a more intelligent way than just getting angry. He's not interested in porn anymore and the last time we watched it together he shut the lid 5 mins in because he wanted to concentrate on me :smile2:. so we got there in the end!

It never felt like infidelity but it felt like Mr peacem had left the building, gone to pornland, was having a great time whilst I was left feeling very neglected, lonely and resentful. Like I didn't recognise him. A betrayal of sorts.
 
#10 ·
I answered no. Both my gf and I watch it together or separately, particularly if we are trying to find tutorials for certain acts we want to do correctly (kink) or one or the other of us is looking for a hot new scene to try. It doesn't take away from our sex together. In the cases where it does, porn can become an issue.
 
#13 ·
It's no more cheating than watching Daniel Craig walk down the beach in his swim trunks.
It's no more cheating than watching any R rated movie in which two characters are having sex.

We, thankfully, do not live in a society that blames sexual misconduct on anyone other than the person misbehaving. If your husband has a porn problem, it's not porn, it's your husband. Your husband has an intimacy problem. Sex creates intimacy but porn allows a sexual outlet bypassing intimacy. That's not porn's fault.

It would be wise for an alcoholic to avoid bars at all costs. The alcoholic doesn't blame the booze. It would be wise for someone with intimacy problems to avoid porn, but don't blame porn.
 
#14 ·
My poor brother got caught masturbating to a Victoria's secret catalog. Both his wife and mother in law walked in on him. His wife accused him of cheating on her. :( Can't believe he's still with her.

My husband occasionally uses porn when we haven't had sex for a couple days. I have no problems with it as it doesn't impact our sex life at all.
 
#16 ·
No, watching porn is not infidelity :rolleyes:. I will say it becomes a problem if watching it interferes with your sex life with your partner/spouse in any manner.

That said, I cannot watch commercial porn without laughing or at least making fun of what is going on in the film, so for me it is not at all arousing. There are films that are not considered porn that are very arousing for me … “9 1/2 Weeks” is an example. However porn is just really badly made to the point of being silly.

My biggest problem with porn is that I see evidence of men (and perhaps women too?) who seem to think that porn is "real sex" and carry that belief or expectation into real life sexual relationships. :slap:
 
#17 ·
My biggest problem with porn is that I see evidence of men (and perhaps women too?) who seem to think that porn is "real sex" and carry that belief or expectation into real life sexual relationships. :slap:
Yes, that is a problem. I've seen quite a few posts by people who seem to think sex acts they see in porn may have some relationship to reality. That is a problem.
 
#20 ·
Its cheating mentally. For both of us its a no no. I wouldn't marry a man who thought that looking at porn was ok, I am so grateful to have a husband who goes against the flow. I would never treat my husband in that way, in such an unloving and disrespectful manner. We both feel that the only naked bodies we should see are each other, and we value our marriage enough to keep to that.
Faithfulness is more than actual physical sex.
 
#22 ·
If you are not hiding from your SO, they are ok with it, and it does not interfere with your sex life, I do not view it as infidelity. Honestly, no matter what I don't consider it "infidelity". There are a whole bunch of other issues if it is being used to replace your SO or your SO has a problem with.

How about the person who uses porn b/c their SO denies them sex, is that considered infidelity?

How about the person who masturbates, and maybe images that are not of their SO pop into their head, is that infidelity?

How about the person who gets turned on watching a sex scene in an R rated movie, is that infidelity?
 
#27 ·
I can only answer for us, but I would't look at porn even if for whatever reason we could't have sex. To us there is no excuse, its wrong and damaging. We also avoid films or programmes with sex scenes in them. My husband is even stricter than me about things like that. If I am watching something and a scene of a sexual nature comes on unexpectedly I will wizz the programme forward.
 
#23 ·
Is it infidelity? Only if one or both people in the marriage believe it is.

People who swing or have open marriages don't believe it's infidelity, for example.

There's no black and white with this, or right and wrong - only to the individual do those things exist, or not exist.

All anybody has to do is respect their partners point of view on matters such as this. My ex wife did not want me watching porn AT ALL. She never specifically said why (ie. it's cheating/infidelity) but I suspect that was it. She simply did not want me seeing other naked women and masturbating to it. So, I didn't for a long, long time. At whatever point it was she started loosening her own boundaries (flirting, EA's, etc.), so did I, and that included occasional porn use. As long as the respect goes both ways, everybody's happy.

My current wife has no issue with porn, that I know of. She's not into it herself, and we did try watching together once a long time ago. Did nothing for her. What we watched was also ridiculous and badly acted, so we had a good laugh for a few minutes before she got bored. We've never tried watching 'better' porn together, or amateur, "real" stuff, but I don't get the impression it would get her excited. But I actually don't know that. Maybe one of these days I'll suggest it, but I strongly suspect she would have no interest.


TLDR - it's infidelity if you think it's infidelity. It's not if you don't.
 
#24 ·
People who swing or have open marriages don't believe it's infidelity, for example.
@alexm I would argue that people that swing or have open marriages are practicing infidelity in the eyes of the law. So from society's point of view it would cause some serious legal conflicts if one had to address and defend that lifestyle in a court of law. For that reason I would define swinging or an open marriage as infidelity.

Now when it comes to porn, legally speaking that is NOT considered infidelity and could easily be defended in a court of law as exercising one's right to free speech. So if a married couple that was swinging or in an open marriage was doing so for the sole purpose of producing porn, then in the eyes of the law it could then be protected as free speech as well as long as the intent is to publish it.

I find that so ironic ethically. It is as if justice becomes blind to infidelity as long as everyone gets to enjoy watching.
 
#25 ·
Infidelity is a violation of a couple's assumed or stated contract regarding emotional and/or sexual exclusivity. If they've agreed to revise their contract, there is no infidelity because there is no violation. Legally, there is almost no enforcement of existing laws, largely because free speech, freedom of association, etc., normally take precedence. Courts have established that consenting adults are free to do as they wish in the bedroom, so any such laws that restrict this are normally unenforceable.
 
#31 ·
James Bond movies are a better representation of espionage than porn is of sex.

But not all porn is what is what people today seem to call porn. My wife and I find porn that is much more realistic. It's probably very boring to most people. But even that is still not like our sex. We take forever.

I asked a female director once why all the scenes are in the 6 to 8 minute range. She said something about that's all the audience wants. Everything is geared to the lowest common denominator, of course. So we set up play lists of a dozen scenes to play in the background as ambiance.

My wife has never been noisy during sex. It turns her on to listen to others, but she is very quiet.

Back in the seventies when we first went to an X-rated movie she had a giggling fit because of a girls' so ridiculous sounds (and we left the theater). Ever since then any time my wife goes, "Ooh, Ooh, Aah, Aah!" I know she is making fun of a movie. R-rated, X-rated, doesn't matter, she is going to end up giggling and making me laugh.

The problem of pornographic films being such extremely bad portrayals of sex is a real problem for society, though, in our opinion. It is truly unfortunate people make so little effort to educate themselves regarding how much more wonderful real sex can be. My wife wishes all young men would be forced to learn to be great lovers, so young women could all be blessed with a great love life. All I can do is shake my head.
 
#32 ·
To each their own. It's infidelity if the ground rules of your relationship prohibit it. It has nothing to do with prudish, intolerant, "church ladies" or conversely, those who like watching people hump each other like beasts. It has to do with agreements and established boundaries, or lack thereof.

Watching porn has psychological consequences regardless. If a committed couple has no issues with that, then that's their own business.
 
#36 ·
Porn is not sex education and if someone, man or woman, is using it as a baseline for normal sexual expectations, than that person is obviously misinformed.

Why do we send our young people out into the world ill equipped to engage in healthy consensual sexual activity? Why do we withhold vital information about the mechanics of having sex? Why don't we teach them HOW TO HAVE GOOD SEX?

Because of the holdover religious belief system that teaches chastity but doesn't teach how to achieve chastity without keeping a child ignorant, doesn't prepare a young adult to enter into sexual activity with detailed information on the depth and breadth of human sexuality and doesn't prepare young people to talk about sex with their intended because ignorance is key in matters of control.

Because we lament our sex lives but fail to halt the passing down of ignorance and or shame.


Im not suggesting we show adult movie to children. A Monty Python movie perhaps?

 
#40 ·
Teaching about sex and relationships has traditionally been left to parents, and some of them do a terrible job.

Mothers who teach their daughters that men just want sex, and to view it as a sort of bribe to catch a husband, but not something to enjoy.

Parents like mine who couldn't talk at all about sex or relationships. Would never even hold hands in front of me and treated their lives like a business relationship. Mother cooks / cleans / raises kids. Father works, brings in money. No reason for them to ever spend time together.

Romance movies are no better. The teach the perfect partner is someone you originally dislike, who is fundamentally flawed (ex con, ex prostitute etc), and with whom you fight constantly. It may make a good story, but typically the best partner is someone you actually like and enjoy happy times together.





Porn is not sex education and if someone, man or woman, is using it as a baseline for normal sexual expectations, than that person is obviously misinformed.

Why do we send our young people out into the world ill equipped to engage in healthy consensual sexual activity? Why do we withhold vital information about the mechanics of having sex? Why don't we teach them HOW TO HAVE GOOD SEX?

Because of the holdover religious belief system that teaches chastity but doesn't teach how to achieve chastity without keeping a child ignorant, doesn't prepare a young adult to enter into sexual activity with detailed information on the depth and breadth of human sexuality and doesn't prepare young people to talk about sex with their intended because ignorance is key in matters of control.

Because we lament our sex lives but fail to halt the passing down of ignorance and or shame.


Im not suggesting we show adult movie to children. A Monty Python movie perhaps?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ejaWq2TXRXE
 
#37 ·
I never saw a movie with a sex scene until after I was married.

I learned by exploring with girls I knew. I started with massage, and worked from there. But that was all in the sixties of last century. When I began reading up on sex, it was mostly biology texts and actual research on sex in college libraries before I got married. But I had pretty much learned everything I found in those texts, because I was very inquisitive with the girls I knew.

Working slow, always looking for better responses, just taking my time, I had learned a lot. I really enjoy massaging girls. By the time I was 17 I knew where the clitoris glans was, and the first part of the clitoral shaft, and how important it was in female sexual response.

All it takes is caring. I never had any trouble finding girls who wanted to let me explore for hours.

My wife thinks modern pornography may be making boys less likely to become good lovers. I think boys are just bad at caring, and porn just gives them other bad examples they can emulate to show how bad they are, and they will do a bad job with or without the bad examples. But hey, I think her interpretation is more optimistic.
 
#39 ·
You are a sensualist which is what makes you a good lover. You enjoy the journey which is why you learned about where and how to touch women so that they enjoy being touched.





I think you're both right. But a caring lad will seek mutuality no matter how mistaken his idea of sex might be. Whereas even the best sex education won't make a selfish man into a good lover.

If you're not into me, you're aren't getting in to me.
 
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