....married to a wonderful 40 yr old woman. We have 4 kids together ages 3 – 10. I work full time and she is a SAHM. Our 3rd youngest is special needs – beautiful girl but a handful cause you always have to watch her!
My wife is the best, we are best friends & I love spending time with her. I feel like we can tell each other anything. I am a typical guy so I like to have sex with her as much as possible. I paw at her all the time and I just love her. She used to be amorous but the daily grind of being a SAHM has killed her drive. I get it.
.....She only gets really into sex when she is drunk (rare these days) or if I ***** and moan enough about the lack of sex/ quality of sex.
....she would avoid the bedroom at night.
....I was emboldened to take ownership of my marriage. One “tip” I seized upon was “morning sex”. What a great idea! We are so busy and this would be a great opportunity to connect and love on each other! So Monday morning rolls around and my wife ended up upstairs as usual, but the alarm goes off at 5:30am and she wanders down the stairs and makes a pit stop at half bathroom at the base of the stairs (I heard the door shut). I am awake and I am just thrilled about my newfound plan. I can’t wait cause it will be awesome and unique! .....I leapt out of bed and made my way to the bathroom and got as close as I could.
....She is dead from the neck down! I come on to her all the time and she is disinterested. I always want to go down on her and she is like, oh sure if you want to.....
But then I got confused, angry, and sad. She NEVER asks me to pleasure her in any way!
... So basically I am crushed because I am obviously not cutting it and my wife has to fridge-off every morning as a result. …
Dear Peacekeeper; You are such a "Nice Guy!" That was not a complement.
Get a copy of Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy." It is about men who are codependent and require validation by the women in their lives. Loosing your Nice Guy card isn't about becoming a jerk, it is about becoming an integrated man that women find irresistible.
Your description of yourself and your "plan" is a classic description of a Nice Guy. The Plan is a great example of what Glover would call a Covert Contract. A covert contract is where you decided to do something so that your wife will have sex with your or provide some other validation you need. The problem is that you don't explain the deal to her and get her buy-in. Since you wife understands you from body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc., when yo do your part of the covert contact and expect her to deliver, she looks at you and say what a looser. A Nice guy then says hey that was a great plan, I just need to double down to make it work. The Nice guy increased his efforts and still gets nothing for it, but tried the next time even harder until he feel crushed and sulks, which is even less appealing to his wife.
Glover's recommendation is for you to "Get a Life." That means improving yourself physically and emotionally. Usually it means working out and taking up sports that give you satisfaction and confidence. In the case of a dad, it can mean doing quality things with some of your older children that provide their mom some free time and prove to her what an alpha male great father figure you are for her children. Examples could be hiking with your older children, bicycling with them, swimming, taking a weekly martial arts class with them, etc.
A few more observations. First, the really big whopper in your post.
"I feel like we can tell each other anything
Nope. Self delusion. You are telling us everything, but you can't (and possibly shouldn't) tell your wife you were spying on her, plotting to jump her bones in the morning, and are desperate to have sex with her. If the two of you could tell each other everything, she wouldn't be hiding from you upstairs at night. If the two of you could tell each other everything, she wouldn't have to treat your sexual needs as a chore.
Second, she is probably exhausted, touched out, and overwhelmed. I think I understand what might be going on, because my wife is LD and I am HD (high sexual demand). My wife was overwhelmed as a stay at home mom. My wife and I drifted apart emotionally until we were in a sex starved marriage. It got to the point that we were likely never going to have sex again. The strange thing was that we really loved each other and daily said how much we loved each other, but not in any way the other could understand.
Chapman's book the 5 languages of love explained a lot to me. My primary and secondary love languages are touch and words of affirmation (praise). My wife's primary and secondary love languages are acts of service and quality time. (The fifth love language is the giving of presents.) When I wanted to express my love for my wife I would reach out to touch her (not to have sex with her, but just touch her shoulder, hand, or hug her). Her response was stop pawing at me, you just want to get in my pants. That made me feel rejected. When I praised her about something she did, she would stay, stop buttering me up, you just want to get in my pants and have sex.
I started to feel really rejected, and so I would stay late at work. I told myself I was trying to improve my career and be a better provider for my family. In reality I was seeking the praise from boss and coworkers that my wife would not give me. I wanted to feel loved and validated.
Meanwhile, my wife's mother had conditioned her to believe that showing a man how much you loved him was through acts of service, such as having a hot meal read you him and your family and then siting down at the dinner table to discuss everyone's day and your hopes for the next day (quality time). If I worked late and she burned the dinner, she felt like I had rejected her expressions of love to me. She would yell at me (opposite of praise) and I would quickly gobble something down when I got home and sit in front of the TV to avoid being yelled at, which just made her feel even more rejected (no quality time talking or yelling).
We did this dance to each other for years until she just stopped caring and we had a sex starved marriage.
YOU ARE LUCKY! You don't have a sex starved marriage.
You are headed that way, so you might want to get MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage. It will teach you some things that my help you keep from getting in a sex starved marriage. The first is to back off. Clingy, sexually needy men (NICE GUYS) are not attractive or sexy. MW Davis will teach you about the art of the 180. If what you are doing isn't working, try the complete opposite or something different. (Glover would say don't double down on a covert contract that isn't working.) MW Davis will also recommend that you Get A Life, just like Glover. In many ways her book is the perfect companion for Glover's NMMNG. It provides a slightly different perspective for the same problem with somewhat the same set of solutions, but it allows you to see and understand the recommendations more fully when explained twice and differently.
Of, I have been married to the same wonderful woman for over 46 years. We came very close to divorce, but with the help of a sex therapist, some great books, lots of change on my part, we now have sex twice a week and are very happy together. Are marriage was saved.