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post #16 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Maybe a stupid question, but you haven't told your wife about all these other "girls" (I'm assuming you mean "women") that you had no problem getring off have you?

Talking about exes is a great way to turn a partner off.

Just have to ask.
never have i brought up exes at least not since we met. it was very minor no details.
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post #17 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

This might be a good situation for counseling. It seems that she can O by herself, but doesn't want to with you (assuming you have offered to use a vibrator on her during sex). It sounds like you are willing to do what she wants in bed but she turns you down. She is "willing" to have sex but not enthusiastic.

Its an unusual situation.

Has she always been like this?
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post #18 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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Originally Posted by MrsAldi View Post
Was it always no foreplay, kissing, intimacy etc?

She's still having sex with you but you want to see her having some pleasure/lust for you.

Would you mind her using toys with you there or is this something that offends you or is she just shy about it?



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oh i've asked to use toys and she said she didnt want to go through all of that.

she hides the fact she uses them when i am not around. she just uses a vibrator on the clit thing.
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post #19 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
This might be a good situation for counseling. It seems that she can O by herself, but doesn't want to with you (assuming you have offered to use a vibrator on her during sex). It sounds like you are willing to do what she wants in bed but she turns you down. She is "willing" to have sex but not enthusiastic.

Its an unusual situation.

Has she always been like this?
it seems like since we started dating it started early on. back then i was young and might not have been as carrying for her needs.
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post #20 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
You really need to get her to open up. Maybe a relaxing safe evening with no intention for anything physical and some alcohol to loosen her up. I know I can talk easier with some wine.
i finally got her to open up, but sadly when i go off the deep end i go hard. i got pretty sad. my main emotion is expressing sadness, i never really get mad that easily.

she admits her faults, and she said the problem is that she feels so secure with our relationship that she just hasn't had to try for so long and takes me for granted. i am too nice too her, that is the problem literally, i don't give her something to chase after. i never have refused sex or gave her an option to even pursue me much.


she also reminded me that i never called her whe nwe started dating at first, she was the one to call me after the night we met, the one to call me after we had called it a quits at first etc.. so she insists that she wanted me.
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post #21 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:42 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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Originally Posted by FORTIFIEDORANGE View Post
So basically, been married for 6 + years, have 2 kids under 6, son is a difficult child, at night wife has to lay with him for an hour before he sleeps etc.. then she comes to bed.

Wife and i have sex about 6 times a month.

wife, without me knowing but i know masturbates with a clitoris vibrator 4-6 times a month. i assume she cums. i finally got her to admit to doing it occasionally but she won't admit frequency, she said orgasms are not even that big of a deal and aren't good since having kids now when she does it to herself (or maybe because you have a closed level of intimacy with your partner??? but she doesnt get that)

wife and i have sex, i physically function fine, no issues there, i've made plenty of girls in the past cum from vaginal sex, and ones htat couldn't i'd use tongue etc.. no issues there.
wife doesnt like intimacy, though she allows me to have sex with her as the way she basically illustrates it. she will out of the blue without me pursuing her say 'i thought i'd let you squeeze it in tonight' or ' ok lets get this done'. so it seems like she wants it.
she makes me lube up though she doesnt need lube, because i've put a micro drop of lube on and went in and all was ready and wet.

before sex, we will often watch tv together, no interaction, no foreplay, we seldom make out, she gives me a kiss here and there and lets me make out with her before sex. she seldom grabs my genitals, seldom gives me a blow job, there is no flirting so to speak.

while under the covers watching tv, i've caught her what appears to be doing is rubbing her clit, and she was trying to hide it because she literally told me 'can you back up' when i was trying to cuddle with her. then after a few mins of that she'll want sex and be ready but still makes me put the lube on to mask the fact she is wet and aroused (my interpretation, not actual evidence that she is masking it, maybe she doesnt realize she doesnt need it?_)

so i have this issue of not feeling wanted or feeling like i am gratifying to her.

then she'll roll over and say 'lets get it done'

I almost thinking she has some weird fetish where she gets off knowing that she provides me with no sign of her liking sex, it is that weird.


whenever i try to go down on her, she never lets me, she doesnt even let me finger her or really touch her with my hands. she just wants my penis in her and that is it.

i do feel her clitoris getting stimulated via my penis and i can feel her getting super wet and she grabs on to me tight, but unless there is an orgasm that exists that doesnt involve contractions, i don't think there is one and why wouldn't she just tell me ( iam to the point where it is a possibility she'd lie to me about it and say she didnt have one,but she doesnt acknowledge one way or the other). when i try to talk about this stuff she closes up. she never admits to having and orgasm nor admits to not having one either. I did say "well iw ant you to cum" and she just says "it is not something i can really do easily"

I had a long discussion with her and she finally allowed me to explain to her my frustration. her only response was 'well i can't be this person you want me to be'. and i explained to her that i feel like there is a gap in our intimacy level and the intimacy level she may have had in hte past with some past lover and i don't feel like our marriage is hole. she admits at one time she may have been more sexual, but that's all she says about this.

She claims her life is to hectic to want anything.

We went on a vacation to france for a week in the fall a year ago, when we were there we had sex twice, same robotic sex though. we did spend a lot of time on the road, jet lag etc, so there was not a lot of relaxation, but still. we were in a fancy hotel and had nothing to do yet the sex part was very robotic.


Then, i opened up my can of worms on here recently. I told her "look, i feel like you don't even like me in a sexual intimate way, that you just married me because i am a good provider and father but not a good lover" she said i am a good lover, well duh what else would she say, but no elaboration.

Now i don't think it is physical mechanical issues, literally measured my penis (since this is the internet and no one knows who i am i will share, 6.5" long from top not pushing in the skin on pubic bone area, and 6.5" around at the widest point) so from what i read not the longest thing in the world, but it is quite wide from what i read, i don't go around staring at dicks and porn they don't really look bigger so ya big mystery, every girl has told me it was huge but i thought that's just what girls say, i know how to work it, i've made other girls cum etc.. i've looked into every possible thing on this.


so the only possibility is that she doesn't love me in a lustful way because she is not physically attracted to me, my penis is my least of my concerns. I am somewhat solid 225 lbs, 6 feet tall, not the best shape but for in my 30s i'd say i am doing fine. she never complains about my weight etc.. my face, well i don't know anyone who can say if their own face is pretty, but i wouldn't say i am some super model either or some oger necessarily, so i would say above average face eyes, i got really nice thick hair no balding etc..

my guess is it has nothing to do with my looks so much as how she feels about me, and feelings, well they do strange things.

When we met she had a b/f she was on the last track with and wasn't really that serious commitment wise, she and i met while she was still dating and had a wild first night together, no sex but wild making out feeling each other etc.. then a week later she said he ended it with her. she was upset over that though and kind of started backing off from me at that point. Then he reached out to her and they started to get back togehter and i got mad, and she and him finally broke it off. we were not officially dating at this point, it was more like casual dating.

so part of me thought, maybe she felt like i pushed her into beign with me and she wanted this guy who was not ready to commit. maybe the fact he was cold towards her was the only reason why she even liked him, that was my belief. dude didnt look any more special than me, and he wasnt rich or anything so ya don't get what her fuss over him was, could be just better personality? I got a ton of friends and people thinki ma funny, maybe idon't treat mywife right? who knows.


but back to the point, so my frustration is she won't open up to me to even let her cum. i told her i knew she was masturbating when i am not around ,clearly stated i am 100% fine with htat, but i am not cool with the fact she won't open up to me about it or even do anything beyond basic robo-sex with me. i told her that i'd love to use the toys on her if that works or let her do it with me around.

one time she did it a long time ago, i thoguht it was cool, and then she did it with the shower head while we had sex in the shower and she seemed very uncomfortable with me being there during that.


So after opening up about all that it alked about up here, told her that iw as comparing in my head that maybe she had some wild history and that was bothering me that she cannot be open with me about stuff like this like she was probably at one time in hte past, etc.. she just said "well i can't be what you want" didn't try to quell my concerns by lying about it, just said that. she did say 'well i was never really htat crazy sexual person you think i was'.


so possibilities in my head:
1) she doesn't like me in a lustful way as much as past people
2) she never has had much intimacy in her life, something i have huge trouble believing.
3) she some how wants to punish me by making it this way and making me feel bad about having sex, because she wants to use it to manipulate. "ok, so i'll act like i dont like it so that way i can use sex as leverage".
4) she used to be sexually intimate in the past, but now that she is older with kids she cannot be that way now. but we never had this intimacy level at all in our relationship since day one. Maybe i shouldn't have even married her? but at the time i didn't even know it was bothering me.
Female perspective 1: you're a nice guy so she has zero motivation to do squat.
Female perspective 2: stop giving in to her lame sex. you're communicating that this kind of sex is good enough for you.
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post #22 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:59 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

Download those two books I mentioned and read them. Learn the MAP. Don't tell her about them.
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post #23 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:00 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

Do you know how to take control in the bedroom? It sounds like you are letting her call the shots instead of being the one in charge. Do you pull her hair, spank her, tie her up, etc???
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post #24 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:08 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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Originally Posted by FORTIFIEDORANGE View Post

then she'll roll over and say 'lets get it done'
ew.

My response would be "lets not".

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #25 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:08 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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Originally Posted by FORTIFIEDORANGE View Post
i finally got her to open up, but sadly when i go off the deep end i go hard. i got pretty sad. my main emotion is expressing sadness, i never really get mad that easily.

she admits her faults, and she said the problem is that she feels so secure with our relationship that she just hasn't had to try for so long and takes me for granted. i am too nice too her, that is the problem literally, i don't give her something to chase after. i never have refused sex or gave her an option to even pursue me much.


she also reminded me that i never called her whe nwe started dating at first, she was the one to call me after the night we met, the one to call me after we had called it a quits at first etc.. so she insists that she wanted me.
There we go. Glad she's made it crystal clear now.
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post #26 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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Have you told her to her face how disrespectful that is for her to say that kind of stuff?

I dunno brother. I think she is using you for a paycheck and to help around the house. She acts like she was raised in a barn. What were her parents like? What was her home life like?

Has she always been this coarse and rude?
when we met i was living at home with my dad and starting off my career making not as much as i do now, she agreed to marry me when i was a broke ass.

i talked ot her about this, i think you hit the nail on the head with me being too nice. i let her walk all over me. she even admits that.

so now phase II, i start being more assertive and confident, either she'll have to try to please me now or she'll get frustrated and leave me. and at this point i don't even care, if it comes to that so be it, i'll get a replacement, doubt i'd haev to go that route.

When i quassi dumped her when we first started dating, she pursued me hard and things were a lot more intimate, so it's like she needs a chase. i am sure all girls are like this, just i forgot that i have to play these stupid games and cannot just be me. maybe a little b it of these games will get her back in gear and we can be normal. I am too open and don't hide things, i am too blunt with my emotions and don't hold anything back.
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post #27 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:14 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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ew.

My response would be "lets not".
OP this is exactly what your response should be, every single time.

While I didn't say any of the crap your wife said, I gave my ex this kind of sex. I lost a little more respect for him every time he took it. Ugh I couldn't believe he was that desperate (OP this is what your wife is thinking when you're "accepting the sex she gives you")

I've told my current partner not to ever give in if I ever try that bs with him.
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post #28 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
Do you know how to take control in the bedroom? It sounds like you are letting her call the shots instead of being the one in charge. Do you pull her hair, spank her, tie her up, etc???
no i do not. i am weird in that i like parity in dominance, my wife is pretty dominant person, very independant, i am in my career and life very dominant person, but i feel like i am taking advantage of someone if i am dominant and that makes me feel weird.


one thing we used to do when we were first dating was she'd wake up in the middle of the night all hot and heavy and want me to do her really bad, so i would obviously. and we stopped doing that a long time ago.

Perhaps the issue is she wants to feel like i am taking advantage of her, i almost get that hint but i am afraid to piss her off. she almost hinted that she wanted me to do her while sleeping. weird.
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post #29 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:18 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
OP this is exactly what your response should be, every single time.

While I didn't say any of the crap your wife said, I gave my ex this kind of sex. I lost a little more respect for him every time he took it. Ugh I couldn't believe he was that desperate (OP this is what your wife is thinking when you're "accepting the sex she gives you")

I've told my current partner not to ever give in if I ever try that bs with him.
Playing devil's advocate, you may not know that you're in for lousy sex until things are underway. HOWEVER, when she outright says it up front----yeah....I'd be grossed out and ticked off.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #30 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:20 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

To expand on my remarks above--I think there's really a benchmark that needs to be met. If you're unwilling to do for me better than I can do for myself---pass.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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