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post #46 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 05:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
See what happens is, a woman falls for you because you have traits that turn her on. But at the same time, some women see their husbands as projects to be worked on. So they train their husbands to be the "perfect mate". But a few years down the road they realize that their husbands no longer display those traits that attracted them in the first place, because they have trained those desirable aspects out of them.

Messed up isn't it?
lmfao. they want a minivan that can be a 911, so they end up with a porsche Cayenne, but they wanted a porsche 911 and a mini van but cannot settle for a Cayenne and are not allowed to have both. so they spend years converting their porsche 911 into a cayenne and then they want a 911.

so we have to be chameleon and change forms.
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post #47 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 05:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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It's a tough call. In my case, in that exact situation, I ignored my wife's pushback. It turned out that's exactly what my wife wanted. I did what I wanted, and she loved it. But it's a tough call.

At that time my wife did not have a safe word. I actually had to assign her one. She didn't want one, but as things got more to her liking I worried she might actually need one. I never do anything which might hurt her, but she loves to be restrained. While restraints aren't dangerous really, I insisted she have a safe word to go with them.

After she got her safe word, my wife became empowered to resist and freely say no, without ever meaning it. Then she felt free to occasionally playact the poor maiden. She does tone down her performance from what she would like because I cannot perform if I feel it is too realistic. I want to console her, and I loose my erection. It's just something she likes to do once in a while, probably because I am not up for it. Pun intended. She laughs about it later. We have a lot of fun with sex, and it doesn't bother either of us.

However, I married her, and by God, it is for better or for worse. We go where her responses lead us.

I cannot possibly say what your wife really wants.

On the dark side, maybe she wants to set you up for a charge of spousal rape.

But maybe she wants to feel that powerlessness, but won't say it. Maybe she has wanted to try it at least once, and is so sick of the banal she is just tired of waiting.

I knew what my wife liked because we started reading erotic literature together while I massaged her soon after I met her, back in 1973. We spent hours every day exploring what we liked about each other and sex. Life is about exploration.

I need to figure out what it is she likes, i need to dig into what she reads. i dont read books hardly ever, and she reads a lot, maybe the answer is right under my nose.

a concern is she did say to me a long time ago her first time having sex was basically her b/f raping her. so that is a huge red flag to me that she wants me to be cautious.

she also jokingly accused of me raping her once when she was sleeping. she initiated the sex, she woke me up half asleep and wanted it. maybe that was a hint i missed.

if she starts to push me back and get physical i am not going to fight her back but at hte same time if i talk about this it might not spark it in her mind because she'll know i am just acting.

how do i approach this? i don't want to make her feel vioalted, hurt, abused etc.. police really cannot prove spousal rape, that is about hte most difficult damn thing to prove and i hihgly doubt she'd even go there. i've never laid a hand on her or ever really yell at her.
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post #48 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 05:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

what if i caught her pleasing herself wiht hidden camera and presented her with the evidence, what do you thinkt hat reaction could go like. i have the know how on how to do this, but i'd have to go get stuff from amazon.
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post #49 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 05:28 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

I have to say, if she is a woman who likes to be dominated, you will get yourself into worse trouble by trying to talk nice with her.

My wife says at this point, if that was her, she would just sneer at you and walk away if you tried to make nice with talking.

Some women just see all that talking as a sign of weakness. I know, you think you should be able to have a discussion, but sex is really weird.

I had my wife read this thread before I posted, because it seemed like the answer was appropriate to her particular inclinations. She warns you not to spend time trying to be a nice guy.

However, I have to say I have always been a nice guy for my wife. I just never let her know it, or talk to her about it, or ask her about it. I just have to know what she needs to put her over the moon, and make it happen. But like I said, I had her read erotic literature to me while I massaged her. Her responses told me everything I needed to know.
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post #50 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 05:34 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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what if i caught her pleasing herself wiht hidden camera and presented her with the evidence, what do you thinkt hat reaction could go like. i have the know how on how to do this, but i'd have to go get stuff from amazon.
My wife says she would either divorce you or kill you. Stop with the trying to make her talk with you about it. That's my wife's warning.

Hey, I guess I knew she didn't talk much before I married her. I asked her once about 10 years after we got married why we almost never talked to each other. She thought about it a while and told me, "Everything I needed to say to you I said before we got married."

Anyway, if your wife likes Dominant/submissive stuff, take it from my wife, you do not want to keep poking the hornets nest with all this "talk to me" mamby-pamby nonsense.
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post #51 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 05:35 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

A couple of hard points to the groin.

She is very picky when it comes to men. She values their appearance [potential genes for children] more that for sex.

She likely cannot have an orgasm from PIV. If she does it is rare. So, it is not only you that has left her unsatisfied. Some studies say that 25% of women never can "O" from PIV and another 50% can, but infrequently. She knows this, and does not want to waste any more time and effort trying to "fix" this "problem". She has accepted this as her lot in life.

She lived 12 years without a lot of dates. and without a lot of sex from any one man. Again, [for her] men are for the other creature comforts , not for getting an "O". She does not want to admit to you that you cannot get her off. This is embarrassing to her. And she does not want to hurt your feelings.

Yes, she gives you duty sex. Too bad she is not doing a "bang up" job at it.

She has gotten very used to pleasuring herself. She does not need men to get her off. She is in the habit of offing herself. Repeat, she does not need a man.

She has accepted this fact. I suspect she has had at least 10 partners or so and none could do the deed.

For her, it is all clitoral stimulation. And only she knows how to do it. It is a shame. This wife of yours is highly sexed, HD.

Going down on her, she does not like it? The clit is very sensitive. You are probably too rough doing this task. But, without guidance and advice from each individual women, how is a man supposed to know. She gets frustrated easy when it cums to sexual satisfaction. She is not being helpful. It is a sore subject......this V of hers. You said she is very dominant and in control. It is hard for her to let her guard down and let you play with her treasures.

She is a tiger. So is my wife. Approach carefully...or she will bite your head off.

Do not let her bully you. Be more aggressive than she is. Works for me.

Why the lube when she is already wet? I would not be surprised if it is painful for her to have sex. There are a number of physical reasons for this. Could be mental too, such as childhood sexual abuse. She needs to go to her gyno and admit that PIV is painful.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.

Last edited by SunCMars; 04-04-2017 at 05:41 PM.
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post #52 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 05:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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A couple of hard points to the groin.

She is very picky when it comes to men. She values their appearance [potential genes for children] more that for sex.

She likely cannot have an orgasm from PIV. If she does it is rare. So, it is not only you that has left her unsatisfied. Some studies say that 25% of women never can "O" from PIV and another 50% can, but infrequently. She knows this, and does not want to waste any more time and effort trying to "fix" this "problem". She has accepted this as her lot in life.

She lived 12 years without a lot of dates. and without a lot of sex from any one man. Again, [for her] men are for the other creature comforts , not for getting an "O". She does not want to admit to you that you cannot get her off. This is embarrassing to her. And she does not want to hurt your feelings.

Yes, she gives you duty sex. Too bad she is not doing a "bang up" job at it.

She has gotten very used to pleasuring herself. She does not need men to get her off. She is in the habit of offing herself. Repeat, she does not need a man.

She has accepted this fact. I suspect she has had at least 10 partners or so and none could do the deed.

For her, it is all clitoral stimulation. And only she knows how to do it. It is a shame. This wife of yours is highly sexed, HD.

Going down on her, she does not like it? The clit is very sensitive. You are probably too rough doing this task. But, without guidance and advice from each individual women, how is a man supposed to know. She gets frustrated easy when it cums to sexual satisfaction. She is not being helpful. It is a sore subject......this V of hers. You said she is very dominant and in control. It is hard for her to let her guard down and let you play with her treasures.

She is a tiger. So is my wife. Approach carefully...or she will bite your head off.

Do not let her bully you. Be more aggressive than she is. Works for me.

Why the lube when she is already wet? I would not be surprised if it is painful for her to have sex. There are a number of physical reasons for this. Could be mental too, such as childhood sexual abuse. She needs to go to her gyno and admit that PIV is painful.

i think we figuring this out. She probably just is a dominant one. she did more pursuing of me than i realize when i look back. i got emails from 8 + years ago and we used to email a lot. i remember blowing her off and she'd beg for me back. she liked the chase back then.

then she reformed me as others have said into her little perfect husband htat doesnt fit her heart's desire.

so now i gotta go back to my bad boy ways.


thinking maybe i'd just ambush her one day, have a baby sitter show up on a friday, take the day off (i work from home) and just get her in the car and take her to a hotel. i'll time it with her ovulation cycle so i know she'll be in optimal hormonal balance for sex. i almost NEVer take time off, no spontinaity. i'd obviously take her to lucnh first, but i'd surprise her with this.

then just go act like it was a lucnh date and i had to go back to work until i just pull up to a hotel, can't be a dirty one as she is a clean freak so an expensive one and if its only for an hour who cares, well worth it.


any other ideas on how i can corner this?

i want to do it non verbally, i've talked enough to her about it.

she laughed and said "so this whole issue you have last few days is sexual? " and it almost seemed to be a relief to her that that's all it is. maybe her little pretending not to want sex is her way to feel dominated, but it is not doing it enough. she likes me knowing she doesnt want it so i take advantage of her.

she physically loves the sex once getting going, and then tells me no when i try to give her oral, and i've read on here some guys just have to do it. maybe i'll do it admits extreme passion, pull my dong out mid stroke and just attack her vagina like a beast with my mouth. i dont know how she'd react, at this point who cares, and i'll just do it and if she laughs yells just do it till she punches me in the nose.
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post #53 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 05:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

another thing is, i am dominant in life, socially, at work etc.. and i've seemed to have always had a thing for more assertive women, so perhaps the fact i am the only guy she has lived with, she did have a marriage out of convienience once due to bennefits as her b/f was in the military and she married him all that bs, but didnt live with him for more than a month or so.

so perhaps she does like me, but i've lost my way. it is possible iw as the one dominant enough to actually settle her down, but she is still a wild tiger needing to be trained. and she secretly wants that form me.

hmm this seems to be a revelation, now i'll just ignore her for a few days, give normal attention, no pursuit of sex, ocne i get a sign from her, her nice subtle signs, then i['ll just go at it.

she seems to love it doggy style and when i grab her sexy hipps and hold on tight and pull her back and forth she seems to really respond well to htat.

also read my ancient emails and text messages. Yes i kept every text i've ever had with my wife, i am weird i know, but it's kind of sexy. the first text she sent me was about how i left marks on her. maybe she needs more teeth more so than tongue lol
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post #54 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 06:10 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

My wife says... are you sure you want to hear from an actual living submissive?

She says why are you wasting time on lunch!? Just walk her to the car, open the door, put her in, and take her to the room! NO TALKING! A nice bottle of booze you know she likes, and just do her. And do her again, and again. Then take her home.

AND DON'T TALK ABOUT IT!

What is interesting is this is the most I've ever heard my wife talk about this sort of thing, myself. Very interesting.
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post #55 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 06:40 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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Originally Posted by FORTIFIEDORANGE View Post
what if i caught her pleasing herself wiht hidden camera and presented her with the evidence, what do you thinkt hat reaction could go like. i have the know how on how to do this, but i'd have to go get stuff from amazon.
Terrible idea. Don't do that.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #56 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 06:50 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

You married her because you thought she was hot, number one. The problem is, you admit yourself that the two of you were never really "hot" together, that this awkwardness has always been present in your relationship.

I would seriously pressure her into marriage counseling. Let her know that you need a deeper intimacy with her.

And please open your mind to maybe exploring kink. To me, it sounds like she might be bored with vanilla. Maybe she's a kinkster, waiting to be released!

Last edited by introvert; 04-04-2017 at 06:51 PM. Reason: typo
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post #57 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 06:57 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

My wife wants me to post again to say she cannot overstate how important it is to not talk more than absolutely necessary. Don't ask if she wants to roll over. Don't ask her to roll over. Just grab her and roll her over if that's what you want. If you want her on all fours, just pull her up onto her hands and knees. Do not suggest it, do not ask her, do not even tell her what you want. Just put her into position.

Telling her what you want gives her a tacit permission to deny you. My wife would perceive that as weak.

In our case I am over 6 feet tall and did weight lifting since Junior High School. I doubled my wife's mass when I met her, and I can still toss her around with relative ease, and I do. But I do it very carefully now, slowly and very gently, because she has arthritis. She still loves it.
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post #58 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:00 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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My wife wants me to post again to say she cannot overstate how important it is to not talk more than absolutely necessary. Don't ask if she wants to roll over. Don't ask her to roll over. Just grab her and roll her over if that's what you want. If you want her on all fours, just pull her up onto her hands and knees. Do not suggest it, do not ask her, do not even tell her what you want. Just put her into position.

Telling her what you want gives her a tacit permission to deny you. My wife would perceive that as weak.

In our case I am over 6 feet tall and did weight lifting since Junior High School. I doubled my wife's mass when I met her, and I can still toss her around with relative ease, and I do. But I do it very carefully now, slowly and very gently, because she has arthritis. She still loves it.
I'd agree with this, but I'd also stress that if your wife gives you a "no", respect it. At least until you two have some understanding of what your dynamic is or isn't.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #59 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:10 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

A random assortment of thoughts:

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she wasn't married for 12 years of her life and never really had a b/f she lived with before me. she seems to have kept herself walled off to the world. she lived in her own house, had her own job miss independent.
I think she got used to satisfying her urges herself, and that's just what she's habituated her body and thoughts to.

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well the other day i made the day as best possible. helped aroudn the house, took kids outside to play, i did my own thing for part of the day as it was nice out adn i had to get things done for my own hobbies. then i got a sitter and we went to a nice restaurant, after we had sex but still it was akward for her and i felt like she was being this way to be nice. we made out but she said "making out is for kids, lets get this going". maybe i am just crazy and my perception is foggy and she is trying to be sexy to me.
That's just doing your part around the house, it isn't foreplay, and isn't going to make her feel sexy.

As for her comment on making out being for kids, keep going and tell her she makes you feel like a teenager again!

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i finally got her to open up, but sadly when i go off the deep end i go hard. i got pretty sad. my main emotion is expressing sadness, i never really get mad that easily.
That's your default state? Sad? That's not very powerful or attractive.

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one thing we used to do when we were first dating was she'd wake up in the middle of the night all hot and heavy and want me to do her really bad, so i would obviously. and we stopped doing that a long time ago.
Back in the day before children, and sleep was a much less precious thing? I'd guess she had a sexy dream and woke up horny, which probably happens a lot less now with two kids in the house!

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Perhaps the issue is she wants to feel like i am taking advantage of her, i almost get that hint but i am afraid to piss her off. she almost hinted that she wanted me to do her while sleeping. weird.
Sounds like a great way to wake up to me, but definitely ask her what she thinks first before trying it. Get permission now, do it without consent later.

But, see above. She may value her sleep a lot more than sex now that she's a mom, and not be receptive.

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Originally Posted by FORTIFIEDORANGE View Post
keke, another weird thing my wife does "i was thinking we would have sex tonight but i am so tired now" and then the "i wanted to have sex last night b ut you were gone" (when i am working late or something). i don't initiate this convo, she'll out of the blue just say this stuff.
Sounds like she's either trying to keep you hooked without having to put in real effort, making you believe she wants you when you're not available to really put it to the test, or her sexy moods do coincide with your absences.

You said she reads a lot. What kind of books? Erotica? Is she getting all worked up when you're not around, then life is getting in the way when you are?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FORTIFIEDORANGE View Post
what if i caught her pleasing herself wiht hidden camera and presented her with the evidence, what do you thinkt hat reaction could go like. i have the know how on how to do this, but i'd have to go get stuff from amazon.
No no no no no. Do not intrude on her private moments, or confront her about them later. She'll be mortified and it will be ten times harder to get her to discuss sex issues. But, if you 'happen' to catch her in person while she's at it, ask to watch, or to help, or to learn what she does, etc, while allowing her to finish WITHOUT turning it into sex for yourself. You might learn a lot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FORTIFIEDORANGE View Post
lmfao. they want a minivan that can be a 911, so they end up with a porsche Cayenne, but they wanted a porsche 911 and a mini van but cannot settle for a Cayenne and are not allowed to have both. so they spend years converting their porsche 911 into a cayenne and then they want a 911.

so we have to be chameleon and change forms.
No, that's part of the problem. You're trying to change yourself into whatever you think she wants. What women really want is a man who is steadfast and being himself at all times, and confident about it. Feeling the need to change yourself all the time to please her demonstrates lack of confidence in yourself, which is unattractive.
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post #60 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:16 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

True.

I always respected no as an answer. My wife did say no to me one time regarding oral sex before we got married. But when I accepted her no as no, she changed her mind. That was when I began to suspect there was something odd going on.

Other little things happened along the way. We got married. Then after we were married a year or so is I decided her no really wasn't no. By then I felt I had spent so many hundreds of hours reading her I understood she didn't mean it. Like I said, it's a tough call.

And it was still several years before she was willing to accept a safe word. Even though a safe word is absolutely important. She said it was like knowing she could untie herself, and ruined her fun.

Submissives are much more in control than you might think. They use the Dominant one in the relationship as their toys, I swear. But I am not going to complain. The sex is endless, and very exuberant. And my wife always has a smile on her face.
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