Wife won't cum around me - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #61 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:36 AM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

OP, you seem to be on the right track and have some "leads" so to speak of how to light the spark in your marriage sex life again. However, don't go full barrels, please!! Give her a little time to adjust. You said in one post that you were going to take a step back and focus on yourself instead of her for a few days....YESSSS...do THAT!!! Don't try any of these new ideas until you've backed off for a few days and truly just focused on yourself.

Let her be her, let you be you. Give up trying to control or coerce...and learn within yourself that you really ARE trying to control and coerce. So that can actually be a good thing later if she wants you to be dominating in the bedroom, so just shelve it for now. Realize that the way you were trying to control and coerce were not effective, and that you need a moment to adjust and find ways that are effective. Your old ways were attempts at manipulation. Your new ways have to be about authentically wanting to experience passion with her, and being open and wiling to find out what that really takes. Don't assume you know what it takes from the posts you've read here (though some may be accurate), but be willing to be wrong and find out where she actually might go with you.

Please do not ever film her masturbating or any other intimate type of picture without her knowledge. This is not ok until you've established with her what you each consider a boundary. What if it turns out she would rather walk in on you while masturbating or secretly film you?? These things must be discussed first in order for them to really work with our sexuality and sense of stability and safety. You will need to feel safe as well. Be open to the idea that the secret garden your wife has may include things that will challenge your sense of safety in ways you would have never anticipated.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #62 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:02 AM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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Originally Posted by FORTIFIEDORANGE View Post
lmfao. they want a minivan that can be a 911, so they end up with a porsche Cayenne, but they wanted a porsche 911 and a mini van but cannot settle for a Cayenne and are not allowed to have both. so they spend years converting their porsche 911 into a cayenne and then they want a 911.

so we have to be chameleon and change forms.
Don't get hung up on this. Instead, think of it this way....

Your wife, like most people, has sexuality cues that are fluid. She can dip and dive into and out of various scenarios/ideas that arouse her. Or she can ignore those ideas and not dip into them and not be aroused. Or she can just barely dip into them enough to be aroused just enough for self pleasure and not much more.

You are not the minivan or the 911 or anything in between. You are the wild card. You are the provider of potential sexual arousal for her, but only if you do it in a way that actually gets her where it counts.

Don't be hung up on the fact that you aren't sure where it counts for her yet. If you can discover it, it won't matter what kind of time has been lost. You two will be making up for lost time in ways you never dreamed of before.

But if you keep shaming her indirectly (for not being the sexual partner you wish she was and other things) and if you keep insisting that she "show you" her sexual pleasure with you in just this one certain way (orgasm) that you expect her to show you....then this means she knows you do not accept her sexuality at this time and she's certainly not going to show you more of it. She knows you hold these attitudes and don't accept her when she is authentic. She knows you are trying to control and coerce her, instead of really relax into knowing her intimately. You think you want to know her intimately, but you are trying to control how she shows that to you. Meaning, you don't want to actually know her you want her to follow a script you think is "the way" she must show you.

Forget all you know. Find out who your wife really is. Find out who you really are. Don't expect either of you to be just like the other, or like anyone else. Find that authentic place that only the two of you can hold.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #63 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:01 AM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

Slowly and steadily become more dominant in areas of your life OTHER than the bedroom. She'll see it and it will tingle her brain.

When I was dating Odo, he'd always do and act like he always got what he wanted. If his salad was made wrong, he'd return it and calmly but firmly direct the waitress to get it right, like he ordered. He bought some new hiking boots with me, and after paying, wore them out of the store. On the way out he stuffed his old shoes in the new box and tossed it in a garbage bin on the way out. I remember telling him "don't do that, what if you want to use them as an old pair?" and he answered, "I don't."..."But you can't just throw them out like that!"..."I can do what I want" and he grabbed my hand and led me out of the store. I had never been with a man like this. It was just a pair of shoes and he blew up my moment of attempted dominance. I'm a very headstrong woman because life shaped me this way. I'll never forget that particular event. As we were walking in the lot toward the car, I must have looked at him like I wanted to eat him. That evening was more than fun.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #64 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 03:15 AM Thread Starter
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What would she think if I showed up late or
Not at all on a night she wants to schedule sex. She does that sometimes "not in the mood tonight let's do it tomorrow"

Legit might go out with a friend Friday night and she wants to do it that night for example.

This might be more in the jerk department.
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post #65 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:28 AM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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Originally Posted by FORTIFIEDORANGE View Post
What would she think if I showed up late or
Not at all on a night she wants to schedule sex. She does that sometimes "not in the mood tonight let's do it tomorrow"

Legit might go out with a friend Friday night and she wants to do it that night for example.

This might be more in the jerk department.
Since you don't have this understood well enough yet to know the difference between not pandering to her and being a jerk, that's your cue to just CHILL for a bit and be yourself and stop focusing on HER and her reactions to you.

I don't mean ignore her, I mean pay attention to YOU.

Give this some time to settle.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #66 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:54 AM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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what if i caught her pleasing herself wiht hidden camera and presented her with the evidence, what do you thinkt hat reaction could go like. i have the know how on how to do this, but i'd have to go get stuff from amazon.
This deserves a face palm. DON'T DO IT!
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post #67 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:59 AM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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if i try to go down her she tells me she doesnt want to and pushes me back, should i just take what i want in this case?
Maybe you aren't very good at it? Get the book She Comes First and it will help if you have a technique issue. If I was in your situation I'd handle it in one of two ways. Either I directly tell her what I
want/expect or I'd tie her to the bed and take control. But for either of those to be effective you have a confident approach, and of course know what you are doing. You can't fake confidence and women have an uncanny sense of knowing if you are BS'ing them in that regard.
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post #68 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:02 AM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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OP, be open to the idea that the secret garden your wife has may include things that will challenge your sense of safety in ways you would have never anticipated.


OP, take this statement to the bank.......of the river.

Do not jump in. If you do, you will drown in your own insecurities. Her fantasies may leave you stunned, stunted and soft as a latex glove.

You manliness can never compete with a dream..... a pipe dream, one flesh, in that form; her thoughts filled with images of virile men, who never tire and never go limp. In her fantasy, she is the center of attention and the men [women?] do her bidding in ways that can never be duplicated in the real world. In her fantasy, there are no words or personalities that get in the way.

Your wife's Secret Garden is not the one discovered by Mary Lennox.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #69 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 06:49 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

Faithful Wife is giving excellent advice.

Satya and SunCMars have very good insights.

Listen to them.

Let me add being dominant has no relation to being rude or selfish or hurtful or playing mind games. You don't understand yet. It's not about one upmanship, or competition with your spouse.

Listen to those other posters. They are doing great.

Good luck
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post #70 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 07:08 PM
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Yum! I love a man taking charge. Neediness is a big turn off.
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post #71 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 07:16 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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Originally Posted by FORTIFIEDORANGE View Post
What would she think if I showed up late or
Not at all on a night she wants to schedule sex. She does that sometimes "not in the mood tonight let's do it tomorrow"

Legit might go out with a friend Friday night and she wants to do it that night for example.

This might be more in the jerk department.
You totally ignored a ton of helpful comments.
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post #72 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 07:34 PM
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My wife says... are you sure you want to hear from an actual living submissive?

She says why are you wasting time on lunch!? Just walk her to the car, open the door, put her in, and take her to the room! NO TALKING! A nice bottle of booze you know she likes, and just do her. And do her again, and again. Then take her home.

AND DON'T TALK ABOUT IT!

What is interesting is this is the most I've ever heard my wife talk about this sort of thing, myself. Very interesting.
William, I'd love to meet your wife. She's got the right ideas. Okay, OP, next time your wife is sending you signals, ask her if your little b**** is in heat and order her to the bed on all fours, chest to the bed and ass in the air. Don't follow immediately. Make her wait, cause whatever you're finishing up at the moment is more important than her needs. Got it?
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post #73 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:11 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

We should move to Idaho.

New York is sounding boring. But there are very few places I can find work in my field. Darn it.

Mary would enjoy that scenario, I am sure.
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post #74 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 07:29 AM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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See what happens is, a woman falls for you because you have traits that turn her on. But at the same time, some women see their husbands as projects to be worked on. So they train their husbands to be the "perfect mate". But a few years down the road they realize that their husbands no longer display those traits that attracted them in the first place, because they have trained those desirable aspects out of them.

Messed up isn't it?
Its either that, or they actually WANT a nice guy for a change and get with you. Then years later, the whole 'nice guy' thing has grown old, and they long for the days when they had the bad-asses in their life.

I can tell you that was exactly my ex wife's reason for being with me. Over time, she lost respect for me, then ultimately left me for a bad-ass. Shocking.

And I'm pretty much convinced my current wife has done the same thing. A string of *********s, then she meets me. That was attractive to her at that point. Being treated like **** grew old for her. Now she has me, I'm not going anywhere, I give her what she wants from a partner's perspective, but not a lovers.

I believe my wife's actually genuinely happy, believe it or not. She has a partner who provides for her, fills the gaps the other dudes wouldn't, and if she wants sex, she gets sex. She doesn't have to try. But there's little to no respect there, for my needs. At this point, there doesn't have to be any more. When you get to the point where one person in the marriage refuses to do something on occasion because they don't feel like it, you're in trouble, IMO. If my wife ever tried to cuddle up with me on the couch, and I said "no, I don't feel like it" and proceeded to remove her arm from me, then what would she be thinking? "WTF? What an *******!" and then probably days of feeling rejected and sad and angry at me. But she can say no, she doesn't feel like, to sex any time she wants, and not understand why I'm feeling rejected and sad and angry.

The need to mate guard often dies with the realization that they have a 'good man'. Whether we like to admit it out loud or not, women tend to use sex and sexuality to attract a mate. Nothing wrong with that, it's human nature. But at some point, they may decide it's no longer necessary (or as necessary).

Men and women want to have sex for different reasons, generally speaking. I believe my wife DOES actually like sex, despite her not being a sexual person. But there has to be a rudimentary attraction that goes beyond the physical. It's not even a sexual attraction in most cases. It's about the kind of man one is. It's the reason *********s and PUA's have more sex than I do.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #75 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:05 AM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

@alexm nailed it. My wife wanted a "nice guy" after a string of jerks. Once she had a ring on her finger, being with nice guy got boring. So she lost all attraction for me. Real fast. Like during the wedding reception.

OP needs to stop being a doormat. As others said, does not mean be a jerk. But stop being co-dependent. Stop catering to her at all costs. Stop accepting poor treatment with no consequences. Stop kissing her butt. Start acting like she is just as lucky to be with you as you are to be with her. Maybe she is luckier!

When you can see it coming, duck!
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