Wife won't cum around me - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:21 PM Thread Starter
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Wife won't cum around me

So basically, been married for 6 + years, have 2 kids under 6, son is a difficult child, at night wife has to lay with him for an hour before he sleeps etc.. then she comes to bed.

Wife and i have sex about 6 times a month.

wife, without me knowing but i know masturbates with a clitoris vibrator 4-6 times a month. i assume she cums. i finally got her to admit to doing it occasionally but she won't admit frequency, she said orgasms are not even that big of a deal and aren't good since having kids now when she does it to herself (or maybe because you have a closed level of intimacy with your partner??? but she doesnt get that)

wife and i have sex, i physically function fine, no issues there, i've made plenty of girls in the past cum from vaginal sex, and ones htat couldn't i'd use tongue etc.. no issues there.
wife doesnt like intimacy, though she allows me to have sex with her as the way she basically illustrates it. she will out of the blue without me pursuing her say 'i thought i'd let you squeeze it in tonight' or ' ok lets get this done'. so it seems like she wants it.
she makes me lube up though she doesnt need lube, because i've put a micro drop of lube on and went in and all was ready and wet.

before sex, we will often watch tv together, no interaction, no foreplay, we seldom make out, she gives me a kiss here and there and lets me make out with her before sex. she seldom grabs my genitals, seldom gives me a blow job, there is no flirting so to speak.

while under the covers watching tv, i've caught her what appears to be doing is rubbing her clit, and she was trying to hide it because she literally told me 'can you back up' when i was trying to cuddle with her. then after a few mins of that she'll want sex and be ready but still makes me put the lube on to mask the fact she is wet and aroused (my interpretation, not actual evidence that she is masking it, maybe she doesnt realize she doesnt need it?_)

so i have this issue of not feeling wanted or feeling like i am gratifying to her.

then she'll roll over and say 'lets get it done'

I almost thinking she has some weird fetish where she gets off knowing that she provides me with no sign of her liking sex, it is that weird.


whenever i try to go down on her, she never lets me, she doesnt even let me finger her or really touch her with my hands. she just wants my penis in her and that is it.

i do feel her clitoris getting stimulated via my penis and i can feel her getting super wet and she grabs on to me tight, but unless there is an orgasm that exists that doesnt involve contractions, i don't think there is one and why wouldn't she just tell me ( iam to the point where it is a possibility she'd lie to me about it and say she didnt have one,but she doesnt acknowledge one way or the other). when i try to talk about this stuff she closes up. she never admits to having and orgasm nor admits to not having one either. I did say "well iw ant you to cum" and she just says "it is not something i can really do easily"

I had a long discussion with her and she finally allowed me to explain to her my frustration. her only response was 'well i can't be this person you want me to be'. and i explained to her that i feel like there is a gap in our intimacy level and the intimacy level she may have had in hte past with some past lover and i don't feel like our marriage is hole. she admits at one time she may have been more sexual, but that's all she says about this.

She claims her life is to hectic to want anything.

We went on a vacation to france for a week in the fall a year ago, when we were there we had sex twice, same robotic sex though. we did spend a lot of time on the road, jet lag etc, so there was not a lot of relaxation, but still. we were in a fancy hotel and had nothing to do yet the sex part was very robotic.


Then, i opened up my can of worms on here recently. I told her "look, i feel like you don't even like me in a sexual intimate way, that you just married me because i am a good provider and father but not a good lover" she said i am a good lover, well duh what else would she say, but no elaboration.

Now i don't think it is physical mechanical issues, literally measured my penis (since this is the internet and no one knows who i am i will share, 6.5" long from top not pushing in the skin on pubic bone area, and 6.5" around at the widest point) so from what i read not the longest thing in the world, but it is quite wide from what i read, i don't go around staring at dicks and porn they don't really look bigger so ya big mystery, every girl has told me it was huge but i thought that's just what girls say, i know how to work it, i've made other girls cum etc.. i've looked into every possible thing on this.


so the only possibility is that she doesn't love me in a lustful way because she is not physically attracted to me, my penis is my least of my concerns. I am somewhat solid 225 lbs, 6 feet tall, not the best shape but for in my 30s i'd say i am doing fine. she never complains about my weight etc.. my face, well i don't know anyone who can say if their own face is pretty, but i wouldn't say i am some super model either or some oger necessarily, so i would say above average face eyes, i got really nice thick hair no balding etc..

my guess is it has nothing to do with my looks so much as how she feels about me, and feelings, well they do strange things.

When we met she had a b/f she was on the last track with and wasn't really that serious commitment wise, she and i met while she was still dating and had a wild first night together, no sex but wild making out feeling each other etc.. then a week later she said he ended it with her. she was upset over that though and kind of started backing off from me at that point. Then he reached out to her and they started to get back togehter and i got mad, and she and him finally broke it off. we were not officially dating at this point, it was more like casual dating.

so part of me thought, maybe she felt like i pushed her into beign with me and she wanted this guy who was not ready to commit. maybe the fact he was cold towards her was the only reason why she even liked him, that was my belief. dude didnt look any more special than me, and he wasnt rich or anything so ya don't get what her fuss over him was, could be just better personality? I got a ton of friends and people thinki ma funny, maybe idon't treat mywife right? who knows.


but back to the point, so my frustration is she won't open up to me to even let her cum. i told her i knew she was masturbating when i am not around ,clearly stated i am 100% fine with htat, but i am not cool with the fact she won't open up to me about it or even do anything beyond basic robo-sex with me. i told her that i'd love to use the toys on her if that works or let her do it with me around.

one time she did it a long time ago, i thoguht it was cool, and then she did it with the shower head while we had sex in the shower and she seemed very uncomfortable with me being there during that.


So after opening up about all that it alked about up here, told her that iw as comparing in my head that maybe she had some wild history and that was bothering me that she cannot be open with me about stuff like this like she was probably at one time in hte past, etc.. she just said "well i can't be what you want" didn't try to quell my concerns by lying about it, just said that. she did say 'well i was never really htat crazy sexual person you think i was'.


so possibilities in my head:
1) she doesn't like me in a lustful way as much as past people
2) she never has had much intimacy in her life, something i have huge trouble believing.
3) she some how wants to punish me by making it this way and making me feel bad about having sex, because she wants to use it to manipulate. "ok, so i'll act like i dont like it so that way i can use sex as leverage".
4) she used to be sexually intimate in the past, but now that she is older with kids she cannot be that way now. but we never had this intimacy level at all in our relationship since day one. Maybe i shouldn't have even married her? but at the time i didn't even know it was bothering me.

Last edited by FORTIFIEDORANGE; 04-04-2017 at 01:28 PM.
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post #2 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:32 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

Yuck,

You are the safe plan b.
Shes just not that interested in you. Either accept it or move on
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post #3 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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Yuck,

You are the safe plan b.
Shes just not that interested in you. Either accept it or move on
that is possible, but there are too many indicators that make me feel this is not necessarily the case. If i was with some girl i was not into i'd at least let her give me a bj, i know because i've had girls that liked me that i didnt give two craps about before i was married, i made it perfectly clear to them that i'd never really go anywhere with them etc.. just used them with knowing i was using them. so the issue at play here is she seems to have an intimacy issue.

she wasn't married for 12 years of her life and never really had a b/f she lived with before me. she seems to have kept herself walled off to the world. she lived in her own house, had her own job miss independent. i was the first guy she ever lived with and got along with. She was married to a guy back in college and lived with him by address only but never really was around him and was not into him at all. he was very ugly guy from what she told me. then she had a really good looking bf who she never would live with, and he wanted to marry her. he was built well, but she told me (When we first met and you go thorugh that talk about your life story phase) that she never was into him sexually. This guy was in great shape, athletic etc...

also she wouldn't have married me if she was not into me. so i don't think it is that. i have gone down this path and thoguht maybe it was the case but it logically doesn't add up.

Although this is an emotional issue, i am removing all emotion from it when doing my figuring out in my head.

So whatever connection she may have had with someone in the past it was due to an emotional well being issue.


Now what she has acutally told me when confronting her is that she is not at ease with her lfie right now, that the house is not in order with kids etc... but when on vacation nothing happens. there is no flare or spark.
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post #4 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:58 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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also she wouldn't have married me if she was not into me. so i don't think it is that.
bwah ha ha ha ha ha!

Whew!

Sorry man. But you are so wrong. Women marry for reasons other than love and desire ALL the time. All the time.

She's not into you sexually or physically. I'm sorry my friend.
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post #5 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:02 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

I have no advice for you other than to live with it or make a change for yourself. She sure as heck has made it very clear that she is not going to change, nor does she seem to give a rat's a#* about being intimate with you.
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post #6 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

Ok, say that you are correct, she just is not that into me. So my option is: suck it up deal with it, be glad i won the genetic lottery and got a hot wife and i am just some dude that got the hot wife, shouldn't feel bad about that. or be the hot husband with ugly bride and i'd be the one not into sex, or find someone who is less hot than my wife who i'd not be into because i'd be missing my wife. the easy option seems to be suck it up and stick with the wife and just have this hole in me for the rest of my life. I could also be an ass hole and have an affair to get my ego back.

To put it bluntly, that's my perdictacement, and this assumes divorce is a great easy solution like flipping an off switch.

so i need to deal with the fact she is not into me, but likes me enough to put out. some men pay money for that service, so it can't be that bad. i mean it costs me money too, i probably spend 3k a month having a wife and 2 kids.

Does anyone have equal parity in a relationship? men with less attractive wives look at porn, those women come on here and ***** about the porn, the men with hot wives ***** about the wife's lack of intimacy, if this is this simple then everyone should be upset. OR people hide it and live their lives.

Since i went all KGB and figured this out, i know too mcuh maybe?

Did i discover nature's dirty secret? One partner is always going to be wanting someone or something better?

I think not, i think this is not the way it is supposed to be.

Now i am not revealing my true age because i don't want my wife finding htis with a google search trying to solve my own problem, but she is a bit older than me, being a younger guy my stock value goes up, hers goes down. So she couldn't ever trade up from me to a better looking guy unless she likes old dudes which she doesnt hence she went for me in the first place. Or perhaps she doesnt feel safe with an older guy and i am that safe manipulated young guy.


***patiently awaiting *** the female response to all of this. it will be some complex emotional stuff that us simpel minded men don't get. we think like men, women do think a lot like us but there is more to it.

Should i just go on a work out binge and get in good shape, if it is just looks?

also the one b/f i discuss she never searches for him on her computer or anything, and i can get around the history delete, like i said i went full KGB, so it's not like she misses this guy.

I don't think it has anything to do with looks, women are not as visual. The one guy who dumped her was the only guy to ever dump her, she left all the ohter guys before.

She also was really into me the night we met, granted she had a couple of beers, but she was very complimentary of me etc.. maybe the problem is my personality? maybe i am not romantic enough? that is what i am thinking is the issue. men it's "boobs are not good, face is ugly , ass is too big flabby stomach etc" women it is like "he doesnt make me feel special " or "he just doesnt have that i dont know whaT" and they dont even know whati ti s.
Maybe it is pheromones? who knows

Last edited by FORTIFIEDORANGE; 04-04-2017 at 02:22 PM.
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post #7 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

Well tough to hear but regardless of your sexual bio you are giving your wife is not satisfied with you either in the bedroom or out.

If she's getting off in bed next to you but is not wanting mine blowing sex it tells me she's not shut off from sex but sex with you. M

Stop focusing on if you are big down there enough, what you done for other partners your looks. Lots of women that's not important but could be other things.

Are you doing foreplay during the day or leading up to sex or are you just getting into bed at night going let's get it on? Are you doing enough non sexual stuff for her. Doing things for her clearly showing you are doing it for her not to get laid? You helping with the house, kids whatever? Are you dating her? Flowers for just cause, taking her out so she feels like a woman not just a mom and wife?

Really look deep in yourself in this. Have some honest talks with her. I hope you get answers cause from what your saying something is blocking her with you. Your wife wants sex or at least wants to get off but not with you.

Good luck.
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post #8 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:28 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

She tolerates you because you are dependable and safe. If my partner said the crap your wife says to you, I would not be with that partner any longer. Telling you to rub one out in her and to "get it over with" is insulting and disrespectful.

She may have body image issues. She may not like having sex with you in particular. There could be a hundred reasons. But none of those reasons give her the right to treat you with disrespect.

Download "Married Mans Sex Life Primer". It's a good read and can give you advice on how to become more attractive to her. Another good read is "No More Mr. Nice Guy" which could be very helpful in helping you become more emotionally independent and decisive and can help boost your self esteem. Women respond to men who have confidence and decisiveness.

If you suck in bed...well...I can't help you there.
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post #9 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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She tolerates you because you are dependable and safe. If my partner said the crap your wife says to you, I would not be with that partner any longer. Telling you to rub one out in her and to "get it over with" is insulting and disrespectful.

She may have body image issues. She may not like having sex with you in particular. There could be a hundred reasons. But none of those reasons give her the right to treat you with disrespect.

Download "Married Mans Sex Life Primer". It's a good read and can give you advice on how to become more attractive to her. Another good read is "No More Mr. Nice Guy" which could be very helpful in helping you become more emotionally independent and decisive and can help boost your self esteem. Women respond to men who have confidence and decisiveness.

If you suck in bed...well...I can't help you there.
ya i think it is my lack of self esteem, that must be the issue.

One point of contention is i have a super high sex drive, and when i was 20 it was only slightly higher htan now and back then i'd haev sex twice a day most days. so it might be my issue which leads to a negative feed back loop. right now i am crashing the plane with htis issue.
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post #10 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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Well tough to hear but regardless of your sexual bio you are giving your wife is not satisfied with you either in the bedroom or out.

If she's getting off in bed next to you but is not wanting mine blowing sex it tells me she's not shut off from sex but sex with you. M

Stop focusing on if you are big down there enough, what you done for other partners your looks. Lots of women that's not important but could be other things.

Are you doing foreplay during the day or leading up to sex or are you just getting into bed at night going let's get it on? Are you doing enough non sexual stuff for her. Doing things for her clearly showing you are doing it for her not to get laid? You helping with the house, kids whatever? Are you dating her? Flowers for just cause, taking her out so she feels like a woman not just a mom and wife?

Really look deep in yourself in this. Have some honest talks with her. I hope you get answers cause from what your saying something is blocking her with you. Your wife wants sex or at least wants to get off but not with you.

Good luck.
well the other day i made the day as best possible. helped aroudn the house, took kids outside to play, i did my own thing for part of the day as it was nice out adn i had to get things done for my own hobbies. then i got a sitter and we went to a nice restaurant, after we had sex but still it was akward for her and i felt like she was being this way to be nice. we made out but she said "making out is for kids, lets get this going". maybe i am just crazy and my perception is foggy and she is trying to be sexy to me.
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post #11 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:37 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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well the other day i made the day as best possible. helped aroudn the house, took kids outside to play, i did my own thing for part of the day as it was nice out adn i had to get things done for my own hobbies. then i got a sitter and we went to a nice restaurant, after we had sex but still it was akward for her and i felt like she was being this way to be nice. we made out but she said "making out is for kids, lets get this going". maybe i am just crazy and my perception is foggy and she is trying to be sexy to me.
Have you told her to her face how disrespectful that is for her to say that kind of stuff?

I dunno brother. I think she is using you for a paycheck and to help around the house. She acts like she was raised in a barn. What were her parents like? What was her home life like?

Has she always been this coarse and rude?
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post #12 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:39 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

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well the other day i made the day as best possible. helped aroudn the house, took kids outside to play, i did my own thing for part of the day as it was nice out adn i had to get things done for my own hobbies. then i got a sitter and we went to a nice restaurant, after we had sex but still it was akward for her and i felt like she was being this way to be nice. we made out but she said "making out is for kids, lets get this going". maybe i am just crazy and my perception is foggy and she is trying to be sexy to me.
Well that's great maybe keep at it and you will see results. But if this is the case doing this one time isn't gonna cure what's the issue. Rome wasn't built in a day.

You need to get some honest communication going at some point. Really see what he needs are. She obviously knows your needs. Find out what turns her on in a sexual way.

One thing you have going for you now is she has a sexual appetite which is better than most on here. You just got to get her hungry for you.
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post #13 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:52 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

Was it always no foreplay, kissing, intimacy etc?

She's still having sex with you but you want to see her having some pleasure/lust for you.

Would you mind her using toys with you there or is this something that offends you or is she just shy about it?



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post #14 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:58 PM
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Re: Wife won't cum around me

Maybe a stupid question, but you haven't told your wife about all these other "girls" (I'm assuming you mean "women") that you had no problem getring off have you?

Talking about exes is a great way to turn a partner off.

Just have to ask.
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post #15 of 93 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:02 PM
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You really need to get her to open up. Maybe a relaxing safe evening with no intention for anything physical and some alcohol to loosen her up. I know I can talk easier with some wine.
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