Duty sex only - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
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post #136 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:54 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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The problem is, if the kids are in bed, it's hard to find a time and place to have sex... which leads to quickies on the living room couch.

Right now she's laying in bed, asleep with the kids. It really makes me sad that I can't just go to bed and make love to my wife. Even if the kids weren't there, she still wouldn't be up for it... tomorrow is a school day. Which means she'll be tired and worn out tomorrow evening, which means no sex until possibly Thursday evening. But not too late on Thursday, because she has school on Friday. Yeah...
So why didn't you pick up all the kids and carry them to their bedrooms? I assume they all have their own bed? Watch some episodes of SuperNanny with your wife. Four out of five episodes are always about the parents being too chicken to 'upset' the kids by making them sleep in their own beds.

And it is your job as the MALE, the head of the household, to determine that the kids don't belong in your bed and put your foot down.

At the same time, though, it is also your job to ensure that you are contributing 50/50 and that you have hired a babysitter so you two can still DATE at least once a week.

I'm not making this up. It works. She enjoyed feeling like a sexy beautiful woman when you were dating; you pursued her. Now you have let her maternal instinct/GUILT guide her actions, you have taken a back seat, and thus you are spiraling downward. YOU have the chance to turn this all around.

But it takes ACTION. By YOU. Have you placed that ad for a babysitter yet? It's been two days now. Have you started taking on childcare when you get home? It's been two days since I brought this up. Two days since you've VOWED you're willing to change.

And now you say you're just gonna sit back and wait? Why am I not surprised. All YOU really want is your wife to desire you and tear your clothes off, but you really aren't willing to DO anything to get it.
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post #137 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:56 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Which cartoon character would you advise I model myself after, then?
IDK, maybe ANY character that gets off his ass and actually DOES something?

Sheesh.
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post #138 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:19 PM Thread Starter
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Geez, you people act like I come home after work, walk right past the kids, the dishes, the dirty laundry, sit on the couch and say "blow me, *****!"

I can honestly say our household duties are 50/50. I do 90% of the cleaning, no joke. Plus the kids are constantly making new messes, so it's hard to keep on top of it! I do all of my own laundry. I do a lot of work with the kids, give them baths, get their outfits ready for the next day, play with them, etc. I keep the yard mowed, the outside looking nice. The only thing I don't do is cook, because I'm awful at it. If I'm just cooking for myself that's one thing, but nobody should be subjected to my cooking.
In addition to all that, I probably make 90% of our annual income. I'm really not keeping score, nor am I looking for a pat on the back, but I'm confident that I do my fair share.

You people keep saying I need to get off my ass and do something about my situation. I really don't know what more I can do! My wife just DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME! We just had a date night last Saturday. We had a great time! Went to a brewery and tried a bunch of different craft beer... this was where SHE wanted to go, mind you. I didn't drag her to some brew pub to watch me get drunk. We had great conversation, laughed, were physically affectionate and kissed a lot... and no sex. Probably never crossed her mind, and I wasn't really in the mood to pester for duty sex.
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post #139 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:40 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Turnera, some women expect the man to carry 90% of the load. And even if the men carry 105% of the load, it's still not enough.

I'll be up refinishing window sills till 11pm while she'll go to bed at 9 and watch TV till 11.

Your gender model only considers the happy path. There's lots of outliers out there...
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post #140 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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So why didn't you pick up all the kids and carry them to their bedrooms? I assume they all have their own bed? Watch some episodes of SuperNanny with your wife. Four out of five episodes are always about the parents being too chicken to 'upset' the kids by making them sleep in their own beds.

And it is your job as the MALE, the head of the household, to determine that the kids don't belong in your bed and put your foot down.

At the same time, though, it is also your job to ensure that you are contributing 50/50 and that you have hired a babysitter so you two can still DATE at least once a week.

I'm not making this up. It works. She enjoyed feeling like a sexy beautiful woman when you were dating; you pursued her. Now you have let her maternal instinct/GUILT guide her actions, you have taken a back seat, and thus you are spiraling downward. YOU have the chance to turn this all around.

But it takes ACTION. By YOU. Have you placed that ad for a babysitter yet? It's been two days now. Have you started taking on childcare when you get home? It's been two days since I brought this up. Two days since you've VOWED you're willing to change.

And now you say you're just gonna sit back and wait? Why am I not surprised. All YOU really want is your wife to desire you and tear your clothes off, but you really aren't willing to DO anything to get it.
I don't know how many times I can say this; MY WIFE CAN NOT BE SEDUCED!!! SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE SEXUAL!!! She doesn't like talking about sex, she doesn't think about sex, she acts like sex is some fad that all the kids were doing before we had our own children. The very idea of having sex is repulsive to her! We are very affectionate towards one another, often stopping to kiss each other as we pass in the kitchen. Hold hands when we drive in the car together, often kiss at red lights. She sits on my lap frequently just to have a conversation, and cuddles me on the couch while we watch TV, or go to a movie, etc. But when it comes time to have sex, she is like a ****ing statue. She freezes up, like she's actually petrified about what's about to happen.

I did put my foot down about the kids not sleeping in our bed, and usually they start the night off in their own rooms. But 50% of the time, our youngest (3) ends up in bed with us at some point int he night. She refuses to let anybody watch our kids unless they're immediate family (my parents, her mom and her sister are the only acceptable candidates), and she cannot be negotiated with on this subject. Like I said, we had a babysitter last Saturday and had a date night that resulted in no sex. I contribute 50/50 for sure, I am confident of that. I try to make her feel beautiful and sexy as much as I can. I don't just say it, I show it. This isn't my first rodeo, I know how to make my wife feel beautiful and special. I don't let her feel that I take her for granted.

SHE SIMPLY DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX!!!!! Her sex drive is completely gone. She thinks it's gross, and completely inappropriate to talk about. She has no interest in making it pleasurable for herself AT ALL. She claims to have not masturbated since the kids were born, and it wouldn't surprise me at all. She refuses to let me go down on her, or try anything that might make her enjoy it. I asked her if she has any friends she might talk about sex with, just to get somebody else's opinion. She scoffed and said that she refused to talk about sex with any of her friends, it's so crass and inappropriate to share those details. She gets super offended by dirty jokes, judges people who talk openly about their sex life, and if there's a nude/sex scene in a movie, you'd think she just had to watch somebody take a ****.
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post #141 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 07:47 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Some of us who live with LD women understand. Some people do not want sex, or want it very rarely and in a limited form

All my 30 years of married experience can tell you is that it won't get better.

Leave, cheat, live like a monk.

Select one of the above miserable choices.




Quote:
Originally Posted by podiumboy View Post
Geez, you people act like I come home after work, walk right past the kids, the dishes, the dirty laundry, sit on the couch and say "blow me, *****!"

I can honestly say our household duties are 50/50. I do 90% of the cleaning, no joke. Plus the kids are constantly making new messes, so it's hard to keep on top of it! I do all of my own laundry. I do a lot of work with the kids, give them baths, get their outfits ready for the next day, play with them, etc. I keep the yard mowed, the outside looking nice. The only thing I don't do is cook, because I'm awful at it. If I'm just cooking for myself that's one thing, but nobody should be subjected to my cooking.
In addition to all that, I probably make 90% of our annual income. I'm really not keeping score, nor am I looking for a pat on the back, but I'm confident that I do my fair share.

You people keep saying I need to get off my ass and do something about my situation. I really don't know what more I can do! My wife just DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME! We just had a date night last Saturday. We had a great time! Went to a brewery and tried a bunch of different craft beer... this was where SHE wanted to go, mind you. I didn't drag her to some brew pub to watch me get drunk. We had great conversation, laughed, were physically affectionate and kissed a lot... and no sex. Probably never crossed her mind, and I wasn't really in the mood to pester for duty sex.
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post #142 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 07:48 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Some of us who live with LD women understand. Some people do not want sex, or want it very rarely and in a limited form

All my 30 years of married experience can tell you is that it won't get better.

Leave, cheat, live like a monk.

Select one of the above miserable choices.
How about, "Be grateful for what you have"?

His wife does have sex with him. Some wish they were so lucky.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #143 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 07:57 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

PB, you're preaching to the vaunted TAM peanut gallery. Here, all men and women want 24/7 sex subject to the pop psychology book de jour😀😀

After all we all know it's the man's fault for everything bad that happens in a marriage.

What you describe is textbook attitude for a long term reactive non sexual person. Someone who not only never thinks about sex, but who actively blocks sexual desire.

The peanut gallery does not believe such creatures exist, not any more than unicorns do.
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post #144 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:36 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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PB, you're preaching to the vaunted TAM peanut gallery. Here, all men and women want 24/7 sex subject to the pop psychology book de jour😀😀

After all we all know it's the man's fault for everything bad that happens in a marriage.

What you describe is textbook attitude for a long term reactive non sexual person. Someone who not only never thinks about sex, but who actively blocks sexual desire.

The peanut gallery does not believe such creatures exist, not any more than unicorns do.
You must be reading Gottman.


One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #145 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:40 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Podium,
You are sharing a lot of emotions and maybe projections related to how sad you are that things are the way they are, most people are closed to actions when they are in that state.
Getting pissed off works better.



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post #146 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:59 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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You must be reading Gottman.

No, I'm reading jld 😁

Just (10 pm) finished taping 30 ft worth of window trim while listening to books on tape. Wifey retired to her chambers at 8 pm, watches TV till now, and complains that I make too much noise walking (barefoot).

I'm sure Dr. Gottman would be ready to go into real estate sales if she ever showed up at his clinic...
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post #147 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:01 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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No, I'm reading jld 😁
Who reads Gottman.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #148 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:07 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

OP, my husband and I did not have babysitters, and our younger kids still sleep with us sometimes.

Nevertheless, we have always had an active sex life, without limiting our kids' access to us. We just waited until they were asleep and went into another room, or got up early while they were still sleeping. It can be done.

Your wife is pretty busy these days. How about just apologizing for getting upset the other day, and telling her how grateful you are for the efforts she makes? That could go a long way towards restoring warm feelings in her heart for you.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #149 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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OP, my husband and I did not have babysitters, and our younger kids still sleep with us sometimes.

Nevertheless, we have always had an active sex life, without limiting our kids' access to us. We just waited until they were asleep and went into another room, or got up early while they were still sleeping. It can be done.

Your wife is pretty busy these days. How about just apologizing for getting upset the other day, and telling her how grateful you are for the efforts she makes? That could go a long way towards restoring warm feelings in her heart for you.
I did apologize, and I truly meant it. I didn't really mean for her to take it the way she took it, but it makes complete sense why she did. She got over it pretty quickly, it's not like it was a huge fight.

We usually do it in the living room when our kids lay in our bed. I guess I shouldn't complain, as there are many men who would probably love to have the sex life I have.
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post #150 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 11:50 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

You're thinking steady state. Track your progress in Excel over 2 years and see what it says.

And learn to pick up a sleeping toddler without awakening them. I'm pretty sure I could pick up my cat and he wouldn't wake up...
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