That's all well and good, but my wife seriously believes everything is fine with our sex life. When I voice my doubts, she just brushes it off, saying that I watch too much porn and expect her to act like a porn star. Now I admit I watch my fair share of porn, but I know that porn sex and real sex are very different things.
Who knows? Maybe she'll never get back her sex drive. Maybe it's just me? Maybe she'll meet somebody else who lights her fire? I don't know, there's absolutely no way to predict that. But I do know that at this point, our sex life truly is as good as it possibly can be. She cannot be seduced... at least not by me. Giving me a blowjob won't make her feel better about herself after a bad day. I don't buy it that she doesn't love me because she doesn't share her body with me completely. She actually shows me she loves me in many other ways, tells me every single day, and I to her. I think part of it is she's overwhelmed, and I think part of it is she has grown to associate sex with negative feelings somehow. Like every mistake I've made gets lumped into this giant mass that is sitting on top of her sex drive or something.
Here's the thing; about 12-18 months ago, somewhere in there, my wife said she wanted counseling. I dismissed it. She had a friend that was in marriage counseling, and I just thought she was being emotional and wanted to go to counseling because her friend was. Like my wife was almost jealous of her friend for going. I assumed a MC was just a scam artist, telling the woman what she wanted to hear, to validate her feelings, and keep her coming back for more appointments so that the MC can get more $$$$$. The husbands of these women, desperate to make their woman happy so they can get laid, keep forking over money to these guys to keep their wives happy. A very ignorant and narrow minded view, I must admit, but that's what my cynical mind thought at the time. But now that I have done my research, I think maybe we should go. I don't think it'd hurt us at all. I've asked her if she still feels we should go to counseling, 12-18 months later, and she claims that we were just going through a rough spot, and that she thinks we have come out of it on our own just fine. I agree that our relationship is much better than it was; I have certainly made some positive changes in myself, and I can tell that she can see and appreciate that. But I feel like if I suggest counseling now, she'll get pissed because 1. I wasn't willing to go when she brought it up, and 2. because I just want to go to a counselor to talk about something so insignificant as sex.
You people have brought up an interesting point that I really hadn't considered. You say that I have put her needs ahead of my own... and it's true. It's almost like my needs, desires, etc are irrelevant to me. After a particularly bad blowup about a year ago, I really started to listen to what she was saying. I worked very hard to try and change the things about myself that she was unhappy with. I busted my ass trying to meet her needs, going the extra mile to prove to her that things were going to be different. I guess after a year, she feels satisfied with the changes I've made, she tells me time and time again. So now she really doesn't want MC, why? Because I'm meeting her needs. Meanwhile, she's not really meeting mine entirely, and now I'm the one thinking that maybe some intervention might be nice. Funny how that works, isn't it?
The thing I keep coming back to is that, for now, I need to just accept her as she is and my marriage as it is. It's more than just "oh I wish my wife would give me a BJ, cause BJ's are awesome!". It's just a strong desire to have a mutually satisfactory sex life with my wife. It's just not possible right now. And maybe it will never be possible again. But for now, while she's in school, and our kids are so young, I just can't continue to focus on this negativity. She suffers from sexual aversion, and she's trying to work on it, but she's got a million other priorities. I need to just be happy with that for now. Yes, I know she's supposed to put me first, but guess what? We live in an adult world, and that's not always possible. I try to put my wife first as well, but sometimes **** gets in my way too. Sometimes my career causes me to work 14-16 hour days, and I have nothing left when I get home. Sometimes the kids take precedence, because they're little and needy and can't even get a glass of water by themselves. That's just life, that doesn't mean we don't love each other.
I am 35 now, she's 31. I have made a decision that I'm going to wait until I turn 40, and revisit this situation. She'll be done with school, in a career, our kids will be in elementary school and more independent (able to get their own water, lol), and hopefully I'll be making more money than I do now, and be a buff, sexy man. If things haven't improved by then naturally, then it will be time to have some serious talks and intervention. That's only 5 years, and it will go by very fast. I'm not putting my life on hold for 5 years. I have a great life. Good job, great wife, great kids... I really can't complain too much. My wife and I talk about trips we want to take, goals we have for the future, and yes we also have plans for things we'd like to do with our kids. Taking our kids to Disney World doesn't mean our marriage has no romance, in response to whoever said that. It just means we love our kids and wanted to do something fun with them. They'll likely not remember it, they're 3 and 5... but I know my wife and I will never forget that trip, and those amazing memories we made together with our kids. They'll only be kids for so long. In 20 years they'll both be out of the house and on their own (hopefully), and I want to enjoy my time with them, not leave them with grandparents all the time or count down the days until they move out so my wife and I can be alone together again. It's about accepting life as it is, instead of what everybody thinks it should be.
Bottom line; if sex life doesn't improve by the time I'm 40, in 5 years, then it's going to be time to have some hard conversations. I can definitely last that long, it's not like I'm in agony right now, and I don't think she is either. I'm just going to keep trying to improve myself, and our relationship. And if she is unhappy with me and decides to cheat on me or leave me, then as I've said before, that is her problem, not mine, and she was obviously not who I thought she was, and not worth my time.
If you're in no immediate rush, why not try an experiment of giving up the porn completely for a length of time?
I'm not going to pretend to know precisely what you've been through, but as a woman I can say that I bet your wife was very hurt by your initial refusal for therapy. Women don't suggest therapy lightly. They do have some expertise in this over men because inherently women are more comfortable at expressing their feelings. It helps them to let out some of the chaos in their brain and heal, gain perspective. Your reaction likely made her feel like you were dismissing her cry for help.
Let enough time go by, and she'll stop caring, since she'd interpret your refusal as not caring. So, even though you are open to it now, she's probably too resentful to join you. That ship has sailed.
Another thing ...you differentiate between porn sex and sex with her. Do you think that she understands you feel differently about the two and compartmentalize them? Because very few women that I have known are able to conceive, let alone accept such a compartmentalization. Likely all she knows is that you watch porn and likely you expect sex to be like pornstar sex.