Duty sex only - Page 19 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #271 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:17 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Please explain. How is this not 'at all' his fault? He's been given ways to change his relationship, ways to get his wife involved in him again, and he ignores it all; just says 'Oh, I'll just do without sex and wait for her to notice me.'


Yes it sounds just as preposterous when I say it and you respond.
But this isn't about logic. This is all about his perspective. Until his is satisfied, it is more useful to join Fantasy Island.


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post #272 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Please explain. How is this not 'at all' his fault? He's been given ways to change his relationship, ways to get his wife involved in him again, and he ignores it all; just says 'Oh, I'll just do without sex and wait for her to notice me.'
I haven't ignored anything, but I think you expect me to just flip a light switch and suddenly your advice is working wonders. I agree with most of what you have said, and I'm implementing it into my life, but it's not going to change things overnight. I'm working on it, ease up a bit... DAMN!

I'm not doing without sex to make her notice me. I'm just saying no to "duty sex". I don't know if you've ever made love to somebody that acted like they were just getting it over with, but it leaves you feeling pretty ****ty. I'm just saying rather than initiate sex just to get it done, I'm waiting until the mood is at least somewhat right. I want to have a strongly romantic and emotional connection to my wife, not just sexual. We go on dates as much as we can, and it's usually a lot of fun. I buy flowers and other little gifts on occasion, and she does the same for me. We have been through thick and thin together in our 11 years as a couple... so no, I don't want her to just be my sex doll.

But you people are right... my wife is trying. She really is. I am lucky in that I have sex at all, as there are wives who just won't do it. And maybe we'll come to that point, and that'll be another bridge to cross.
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post #273 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 03:30 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by Dazedconfuzed View Post
If you want to have sex, you're going to have to be attractive to women. That is just how the game works.
There is so much more to sex than being attractive. It needs an emotional, mental, and even spiritual connection.
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post #274 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 09:43 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Fine, all those things ARE what makes a man attractive to a woman.
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post #275 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 10:04 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Might as well share mine. Let me start by saying I really do love my wife, and have NO DESIRE to ever cheat on her or leave her. We've been married 9 years, together 11, and have 2 young kids. We actually have a great relationship, except where sex is concerned.

Typical story; great sex while we were dating, honeymoon phase, throughout her first pregnancy, right up until our first was born. Things tapered off a little bit, but I still feel our sex life was as good as it can be with a new baby. Then our 2nd/youngest was born 3.5 years ago. We waited the appropriate amount of time to resume sexual activity after the birth, but it was never the same after that. Even though we wouldn't trade anything, going from 1-2 kids was TOUGH, especially on my wife. Suddenly, me pestering her for sex just put me in the same category as the needy children. We ended up mastering the art of the "quickie", because that was all that we had time for. Eventually, all our sex became quickies, at her request. I knew she was stressed, I was happy to be getting anything. I just figured this was a phase that would pass.

But a couple years ago it actually occurred to me; my wife gets no enjoyment out of sex. There's no passion, no foreplay, nothing. The more I brought this up, the more annoyed she got. Oral sex is completely off the table, giving or receiving. She has absolutely no desire to have any foreplay at all. She doesn't even want to try to pretend to enjoy sex, much less have an orgasm (at least not with me... don't know if she masturbates or not, but I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't). She still allows me to have sex with her 1-2 times a week, except during shark week. But this is strictly for me to get off. The only thing it does for her is allows her to not feel bad for being one of "those wives" who never gives it up. She even initiates sex with me maybe 1/3 of the time, which confuses me even more. Why does she initiate if she doesn't want to do it? She then proceeds to take her clothes off like she's at a doctor's office, gives me a hand job just to make sure I get hard, and then away I go. Maybe 1 out of every 4 times she makes any noise at all... it's actually pretty awkward. Makes me feel bad, like I'm just using her vagina to masturbate with. As soon as we're (I'm) done, there is no pillow talk. It's just right back to "Tomorrow I have to get up early and get this done and get the kids ready and yada yada yada...". Any attempt to address the sex we just had and her lack of enthusiasm is met with immediate defensiveness, and telling me I'm putting too much pressure on her.

For awhile, it was really tearing me up inside. She is such a kind, loving wife... until it comes to sex. She doesn't think our sex life is an appropriate thing to talk about. It's like she has a completely G-Rated mind. She gets easily offended if other people even talk about sex or make dirty jokes. The kids sleep with us most nights, and I think that's her way of avoiding intimacy, even though she denies this. I found a couple articles in her search history (I'll explain why I was looking in a second) about how to overcome sexual aversion and how to get back her sex drive as a mother of 2 young kids. She doesn't know why her sex drive is gone, but she is confident that one day it will return. She says she wants to want to have sex... whatever that means.

Before anybody starts, I truly don't believe she's having an affair. I researched this very thoroughly for one year and never came up with even one shred of proof that she was cheating. I was extremely paranoid. I kept thinking that the reason she wouldn't give me oral is because she was giving it some other guy. It took me down a dark path, but I'm off of that now. I suppose nothing is certain, but I truly don't think she is. And if she is cheating on me, and I found out about it, then that's her problem, not mine.

I suppose I'm just venting. It feels good to get this stuff out there, I don't really have anybody I can talk to about this. All my friends are either miserably married, or are divorced and tell me "Just divorce and go bang girls on Tinder... it's great!!!" Then of course, there's the "friends" who say "that sucks, my wife has sex with me in every way possible for an hour every single day, twice on the weekends... you must not be any good at sex, or she's having an affair." BTW, I am not bad at sex. She thoroughly enjoyed herself earlier in our relationship, as did other girls before I got with my wife.


Your wife is a submissive, you need to learn her game, shes bored to tears.
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post #276 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 10:33 PM
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Podiumboy: First of all, it's not your fault. And #1: Female sex drive diminishes with time, next, thank you for posting this, and lastly, you're f@cked.
I know exactly how to feel.
The bad news is it's going to get worse.
I wish I could prepare you for the dark abyss that lies ahead.
I've been when you're at, and as sh*try as you feel, I would trade with you in a heartbeat.
Disregard almost all advice you've received from well-meaning ladies (except that one that recognizes neither of you are getting your needs met). While you think you're getting valuable information from a woman's perspective, you end up with information from a woman's perspective.

It's not the kids.
It's not her job.
It's not the dishes.
It's not your appearance.
It's not your performance.
Its not professional counseling.
And I know how it must piss you off to read some of the advice in those areas.

Your wife just isn't into that anymore.

I was in your shoes and none of those were a factor in our relationship.
I did not know about declining female sex drive. She did not undetrstand my drive.
I did not know we need to woo our partner; that we needed to be Princes to capture the heart of a princess.
A few people have mentioned the book "The Three Marriage Enigmas" I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS BOOK.
Kevin Foster does a great job at explaining what it's like for a guy in your shoes.
I shared the book with my wife and told her how much it meant to me.
She read it and said, "You can tell a guy wrote it".
That's why I divorced her.
While sex is important to me, it wasn't important to her.
I got that.
Yet we're left with "it's important to me"...unmet.
podiumboy, you not a sicko. You're not a pervert under the influence of pornography. You're perfectly normal.
Replace the word "sex" with words "something important to me" throughout this post. Your heart is broken.

Our marriage had gradually declined SIGNIFICANTLY from what either of us wanted.
I married the woman who made love like a sea otter on the beach, and she married a man who placed her above all else.
We were neither of those.
It took us too long to figure that out.
In the process, we were both becoming more and more frustrated with each passing day.
The two beautiful people who used to sneak away to make love to each other, we're now both having incredibly sad duty sex.
My wife is a beautiful woman and a devout Christian who believes it is wrong to deny your husband sex.
While initially it sounds like a great deal, it's a slippery slope from 'making your man a priority' to the point when the wife sees it as a demonstration of just how devoted she really is.
Duty Sex became a chore like cleaning the toilet.
I would negotiate. I'll do the dishes, you clean the toilet.
I would compromise. I know how much you don't like cleaning toilet, but I learned this really neat position that allows you get the job done faster. Only to learn the reason it's called the Missionary position.
After a while, I just cleaned the toilet my self.
She received no joy in what I had to offer.
The last time we had sex was over a year ago. It was very painful. Physically and emotionally. Foreplay had been banned long ago, so vaginal Intercourse was more of a rape than longtime lovers becoming intimate with no another.
That, coupled with the sight of your lover staring at the ceiling while saying, "Don't forget, it's Wednesday, take the trash out when you're done"

Good luck podiumboy.

Explore your options.
One of them is to just accept it.
Try the book. I'll loan you mine.
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post #277 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 01:09 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

I felt this way after kids and I also LOVED when the kids would sleep in our bed (for that reason).. Every now and then my spouse would balk but I ignored it.. Just wasn't in the mood-- it had nothing to do with another guy as I had toddlers at home. I would be patient with her. Keep talking about it, keep up with date nights even if it's a bottle of wine watching a movie at home. And try to get away on weekends here and there without the kids. Maybe a night or two away will help.
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post #278 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 01:24 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

I apologize to those who saw this on another thread. I had to cross-post it here as it is even more appropriate here.

Duty sex is a drag. Even enthusiastic "I'm doing this because I love you" sex can be a huge turn off, even though it is well intentioned.

Men like to complain about how women are "high maintenance." But truth be told, we're just as high maintenance, but in different ways. We don't just need the physical contact, we crave and need the desire for physical contact from our spouses. In fact, sometimes the latter is even more important, even if it doesn't come to fruition. Anybody can give the former, but the latter sometimes just isn't there which is more crushing than the lack of sex itself.

Dan Fogelberg -- Lonely in Love

Some say that love is its own
Love is its own reward
But I can't help but believe
There's got to be more.
A man needs a woman
To have and to hold
To love him in body
As well as in soul
I need your desire
Where did the fire go?

I keep trying to sleep
But sleep won't be mine tonight
There's so much sorrow inside
And baby, I don't know why.
I give you your freedom
I give you my love
I give all I have every time that we touch
I don't know, baby,
Maybe I give too much.
Now I'm lonely in love
Why must I be lonely in love
I'm so lonely in love
Baby why must I be lonely
Why must I be lonely in love.
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post #279 of 291 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 01:02 PM
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Thumbs up Re: Duty sex only

Your wife sounds like an amazing woman! I know after I had my kids years ago, I didn't feel much like entertaining my husband either. I was tired, busy, I was overwhelmed. It certainly wasn't a lack of love or affection.
Had he brought back some romance, taken me out for a beautiful date night, without kids? Maybe a nice hotel after a romantic evening? I think I would have responded quite well to that. It's more about taking the time for each other, and reminding each other WHY you fell in love in the first place.
You sound like a loving, compassionate man. You're both very lucky to have each other. I'm sure you'll figure it out
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post #280 of 291 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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No, it used to be a regular thing.....

The last time she did it for me was last year on my birthday, roughly 13 months ago. The thing is, that was the last time I asked. She might be willing to do it again, but I have not asked. She has not offered, and I just can't seem to find the words to bring it up. How can I say it in a way that isn't "I know you work part-time, go to college full time, and raise 2 kids, but could you also please put my **** in your mouth?"



I'm quite sure she used to really be into sex before the kids. She used to buy lingerie, have orgasms on a regular basis (I know she didn't fake them all), make me have sex with her in risky public places, etc. It's like she doesn't even remember that she used to be that way.



This one is all on you, buddy.

It sounds like she's was healthy libido woman who is having the normal stresses and hormonal changes of motherhood and nursing and small children. She is going to have a lower libido for a while, esp if she is breastfeeding.

But critically, it sounds like she's aware that sex is important in a marriage and it sounds like she is really trying to make an effort to meet your needs.

If you can't even have the confidence and leadership in your marriage to ask your wife for a blowjob, it's all on you, not her.

You have the responsibility to be the most attractive person you can be, to help get her back In the mood.
Hit the gym, loose the dad bod, start doing the stuff you used to do when you were single that made you an interesting person. Display leadership, pick restaurants, all that. Read Athol Kay.

She probably has responsive desire now and takes a lot longer to warm up before getting horny. And she's got all the distractions of the world running through her head all the time.

So give her a 20 minute foot rub while you watch some porn, if you guys ever watched porn together before the kid. Give her a long neck rub while she has a glass of wine. Then tell her to put you in her mouth.
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post #281 of 291 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 07:13 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

I could have totally written this about my marriage. Never any effort on my wife's part. We have sex occasionally and it has become routine and almost without any intimacy. I didnít think sex without intimacy was possible. I was wrong. I would kill for her to show any sign of wanting me. Anything! Just once an indication that there is any physical attraction to me. I almost feel like I have been "friendzoned" in my own marriage. only difference for us is my wife does seem to enjoy sex when we have it. She does have orgasms through foreplay , (she comes first) I try everything to get her attention and....nothing. If I was not making an effort there woudl e NO SEX at all. When is enough enough?
I keep saying I am going to quit trying. Focus on myself. Keep myself happy and realize that what i think is important no longer is important to her. But I keep trying, and hoping, and getting let down and frustrated.
I love my wife. If I didn't it would be an easy decision to leave. How long can I keep doing this? The sleepless nights where I lay awake mad and frustrated in bed are taking their toll on my work and my own physical health
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post #282 of 291 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 08:51 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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I could have totally written this about my marriage. Never any effort on my wife's part. We have sex occasionally and it has become routine and almost without any intimacy. I didnít think sex without intimacy was possible. I was wrong. I would kill for her to show any sign of wanting me. Anything! Just once an indication that there is any physical attraction to me. I almost feel like I have been "friendzoned" in my own marriage. only difference for us is my wife does seem to enjoy sex when we have it. She does have orgasms through foreplay , (she comes first) I try everything to get her attention and....nothing. If I was not making an effort there woudl e NO SEX at all. When is enough enough?
I keep saying I am going to quit trying. Focus on myself. Keep myself happy and realize that what i think is important no longer is important to her. But I keep trying, and hoping, and getting let down and frustrated.
I love my wife. If I didn't it would be an easy decision to leave. How long can I keep doing this? The sleepless nights where I lay awake mad and frustrated in bed are taking their toll on my work and my own physical health
Please start your own thread and many people here will try to help you.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #283 of 291 (permalink) Old 05-21-2017, 09:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by Huntingdog45 View Post
I could have totally written this about my marriage. Never any effort on my wife's part. We have sex occasionally and it has become routine and almost without any intimacy. I didnít think sex without intimacy was possible. I was wrong. I would kill for her to show any sign of wanting me. Anything! Just once an indication that there is any physical attraction to me. I almost feel like I have been "friendzoned" in my own marriage. only difference for us is my wife does seem to enjoy sex when we have it. She does have orgasms through foreplay , (she comes first) I try everything to get her attention and....nothing. If I was not making an effort there woudl e NO SEX at all. When is enough enough?
I keep saying I am going to quit trying. Focus on myself. Keep myself happy and realize that what i think is important no longer is important to her. But I keep trying, and hoping, and getting let down and frustrated.
I love my wife. If I didn't it would be an easy decision to leave. How long can I keep doing this? The sleepless nights where I lay awake mad and frustrated in bed are taking their toll on my work and my own physical health
Hey fellow duty sex sufferer! It's not a fun position to be in! Obviously, since I am the OP, I have little advice to give you. The only thing I've discovered is that you cannot place your self worth on wether your wife wants to have sex with you or not. I was doing that, believing all kinds of bad things about myself. This thread didn't really help me. Lots of people were very nice and helpful, others just told me what a ****ty husband I was, and all the things I was doing wrong. The thing I've realized is that my does love me. She really does, she's made that abundantly clear. She just legitimately has NO interest in sex. It's as if sexuality as a concept is something immature that we were doing in our 20's, and now she's a Mom and a working woman and doesn't have time for such foolishness. I am a good husband and father, and I may not be perfect, but I always put my wife and my kids first. Those are the standards I have set for myself as a man. This lack of sex drive is my wife's problem, not mine. My sex drive is fine.

I have no updates to offer, really. Sex life has not really improved at all. I'm now 14 months since she last gave me oral sex. I finally got up the nerve to bring this up a few weeks ago. She told me she would be open to doing it "sometimes", but we've had sex maybe 4-5 times since then, and nothing. I told her I would be happy to reciprocate, and she basically told me that I will never perform oral on her again. She does not like it, does not ever want it again. Okay.... We just had sex about an hour ago. She basically said "if you want to have sex tonight, do it now, because I'm tired!" Absolutely ZERO affection or intimacy. She simply pulled her pajamas down, bent over, and it was up to me to get myself hard, and lube myself up. She made no noise, no attempts to pretend to enjoy it, and then as soon as we were done she got pissed at me because I got cum on the blanket. So then she jumps up, runs to the bathroom and throws me a towel, puts her pajamas back on, and goes to bed. It was literally the WORST SEX ANYONE HAS EVER HAD!!! But it counts! I ensures to her that I won't bother her for a few days. That was the most unsatisfying experience I've ever had.

It seriously makes me think about what it would be like to have sex with another woman. Am I really as unsexy and unattractive as she makes me feel? Am I really bad in bed? I don't think I am, she just doesn't give me ANYTHING to work with. It's like she just wants me to get done as quickly as possible, every single ****ing time. We actually have a good relationship most of the time, we truly do. But it's like once we're in the sex arena, she just becomes a statue, physically and emotionally. But I think things, like wouldn't it be nice to have sex with a woman who actually wants to have sex with me? To hold a woman who is there with me, physically, mentally, and emotionally. To CONNECT with someone on an intimate level. I'm not a cheater... I couldn't do that. I cheated on my girlfriend in high school one time, got a BJ from another girl. It was the worst feeling in the world, and I swore I would never do it again. That was 18 years ago, and I have never been even slightly unfaithful to anybody since then. We talk about it, and she either gets pissed at me for pressuring her, or tells me what I want to hear, that things will change. But they never do.

I'm done thinking that this is something I can do anything about. I am a good husband. I help around the house, and with the kids. I take her on dates. I go all out for her birthday, mother's day, etc. I work hard to provide for us, financially. I also work hard to make time to spend with my family, because that is very important to me. And she is a wonderful wife, we are a great team. I just need to realize that this is one battle that I'm not going to be able to win. Either her sex drive will come back, or it won't. All I can do is try to be the best I can be, and hope that when her sex drive comes back, that she chooses to have sex with me and not somebody else. Because I won't tolerate that, not even once.
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post #284 of 291 (permalink) Old 05-21-2017, 10:45 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Have you read any of the Athol Kay, "Married Man Sex Life" material that some people have suggested?

One of the keys of improving your sexlife is not accepting bad sex.

When someone rolls their eyes and says to hurry up and get it over with; you know it's not going to be good.
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post #285 of 291 (permalink) Old 05-21-2017, 10:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by oldshirt View Post
Have you read any of the Athol Kay, "Married Man Sex Life" material that some people have suggested?

One of the keys of improving your sexlife is not accepting bad sex.

When someone rolls their eyes and says to hurry up and get it over with; you know it's not going to be good.
What if bad sex is the only way to have sex?

My options are have bad sex, have no sex, or have sex with somebody else and hope that it doesn't suck. All I really want is to have good sex with my wife, but that's not really on the menu. I suppose I could just say "no, we'll wait until another time when you actually want to have sex." The thing is, tonight's bad sex was coming off 12 days of no sex. Things got busy, and then her period was right in the middle. If it's period time, or if my wife has to work that day, anything sexual is off the table. She doesn't miss it when we don't do it for awhile. She does not EVER desire it. She NEVER gets horny. She CAN'T be seduced or turned on... at least by me. My fear is that someday some studly guy will push all the right buttons, and her sex drive will reawaken, only for him. I realize that we've been having sex for 11 years now, and about half of those have been with kids, so our best days are behind us, sexually. It makes me really sad.
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