Duty sex only - Page 19 - Talk About Marriage
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post #271 of 275 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:17 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Please explain. How is this not 'at all' his fault? He's been given ways to change his relationship, ways to get his wife involved in him again, and he ignores it all; just says 'Oh, I'll just do without sex and wait for her to notice me.'

Yes it sounds just as preposterous when I say it and you respond.
But this isn't about logic. This is all about his perspective. Until his is satisfied, it is more useful to join Fantasy Island.

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post #272 of 275 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Please explain. How is this not 'at all' his fault? He's been given ways to change his relationship, ways to get his wife involved in him again, and he ignores it all; just says 'Oh, I'll just do without sex and wait for her to notice me.'
I haven't ignored anything, but I think you expect me to just flip a light switch and suddenly your advice is working wonders. I agree with most of what you have said, and I'm implementing it into my life, but it's not going to change things overnight. I'm working on it, ease up a bit... DAMN!

I'm not doing without sex to make her notice me. I'm just saying no to "duty sex". I don't know if you've ever made love to somebody that acted like they were just getting it over with, but it leaves you feeling pretty ****ty. I'm just saying rather than initiate sex just to get it done, I'm waiting until the mood is at least somewhat right. I want to have a strongly romantic and emotional connection to my wife, not just sexual. We go on dates as much as we can, and it's usually a lot of fun. I buy flowers and other little gifts on occasion, and she does the same for me. We have been through thick and thin together in our 11 years as a couple... so no, I don't want her to just be my sex doll.

But you people are right... my wife is trying. She really is. I am lucky in that I have sex at all, as there are wives who just won't do it. And maybe we'll come to that point, and that'll be another bridge to cross.
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post #273 of 275 (permalink) Old Yesterday, 03:30 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Originally Posted by Dazedconfuzed View Post
If you want to have sex, you're going to have to be attractive to women. That is just how the game works.
There is so much more to sex than being attractive. It needs an emotional, mental, and even spiritual connection.
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post #274 of 275 (permalink) Old Yesterday, 09:43 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Fine, all those things ARE what makes a man attractive to a woman.
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post #275 of 275 (permalink) Old Yesterday, 10:04 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Originally Posted by podiumboy View Post
Might as well share mine. Let me start by saying I really do love my wife, and have NO DESIRE to ever cheat on her or leave her. We've been married 9 years, together 11, and have 2 young kids. We actually have a great relationship, except where sex is concerned.

Typical story; great sex while we were dating, honeymoon phase, throughout her first pregnancy, right up until our first was born. Things tapered off a little bit, but I still feel our sex life was as good as it can be with a new baby. Then our 2nd/youngest was born 3.5 years ago. We waited the appropriate amount of time to resume sexual activity after the birth, but it was never the same after that. Even though we wouldn't trade anything, going from 1-2 kids was TOUGH, especially on my wife. Suddenly, me pestering her for sex just put me in the same category as the needy children. We ended up mastering the art of the "quickie", because that was all that we had time for. Eventually, all our sex became quickies, at her request. I knew she was stressed, I was happy to be getting anything. I just figured this was a phase that would pass.

But a couple years ago it actually occurred to me; my wife gets no enjoyment out of sex. There's no passion, no foreplay, nothing. The more I brought this up, the more annoyed she got. Oral sex is completely off the table, giving or receiving. She has absolutely no desire to have any foreplay at all. She doesn't even want to try to pretend to enjoy sex, much less have an orgasm (at least not with me... don't know if she masturbates or not, but I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't). She still allows me to have sex with her 1-2 times a week, except during shark week. But this is strictly for me to get off. The only thing it does for her is allows her to not feel bad for being one of "those wives" who never gives it up. She even initiates sex with me maybe 1/3 of the time, which confuses me even more. Why does she initiate if she doesn't want to do it? She then proceeds to take her clothes off like she's at a doctor's office, gives me a hand job just to make sure I get hard, and then away I go. Maybe 1 out of every 4 times she makes any noise at all... it's actually pretty awkward. Makes me feel bad, like I'm just using her vagina to masturbate with. As soon as we're (I'm) done, there is no pillow talk. It's just right back to "Tomorrow I have to get up early and get this done and get the kids ready and yada yada yada...". Any attempt to address the sex we just had and her lack of enthusiasm is met with immediate defensiveness, and telling me I'm putting too much pressure on her.

For awhile, it was really tearing me up inside. She is such a kind, loving wife... until it comes to sex. She doesn't think our sex life is an appropriate thing to talk about. It's like she has a completely G-Rated mind. She gets easily offended if other people even talk about sex or make dirty jokes. The kids sleep with us most nights, and I think that's her way of avoiding intimacy, even though she denies this. I found a couple articles in her search history (I'll explain why I was looking in a second) about how to overcome sexual aversion and how to get back her sex drive as a mother of 2 young kids. She doesn't know why her sex drive is gone, but she is confident that one day it will return. She says she wants to want to have sex... whatever that means.

Before anybody starts, I truly don't believe she's having an affair. I researched this very thoroughly for one year and never came up with even one shred of proof that she was cheating. I was extremely paranoid. I kept thinking that the reason she wouldn't give me oral is because she was giving it some other guy. It took me down a dark path, but I'm off of that now. I suppose nothing is certain, but I truly don't think she is. And if she is cheating on me, and I found out about it, then that's her problem, not mine.

I suppose I'm just venting. It feels good to get this stuff out there, I don't really have anybody I can talk to about this. All my friends are either miserably married, or are divorced and tell me "Just divorce and go bang girls on Tinder... it's great!!!" Then of course, there's the "friends" who say "that sucks, my wife has sex with me in every way possible for an hour every single day, twice on the weekends... you must not be any good at sex, or she's having an affair." BTW, I am not bad at sex. She thoroughly enjoyed herself earlier in our relationship, as did other girls before I got with my wife.

Your wife is a submissive, you need to learn her game, shes bored to tears.
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