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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 307 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:58 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
OH! Just saw this. I completely agree with this- this is WAY too much for a woman to have to manage. No wonder she's not into sex. Your wife has way too much on her plate. There's no way she can relax, she's in survival mode. Why on earth is she doing this?

Sorry, until something gives my pervious advice will not work. This is way too much for a mom of young kids in my opinion. All the vacuuming and car maintenance in the world is not going to help you get more passionate sex from this woman.
Indeed. Stress will absolutely kill a woman's sex drive. OP, you gotta thin the herd. Either college, her job, or both, need to go.

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"If you can't kill then you will always be subject to those who can." - Ender Wiggin
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post #17 of 307 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:01 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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No, it used to be a regular thing. She has not let me go down on her since our first child was born 5.5 years ago. I would be happy to do it at a moment's notice, though. The last time she did it for me was last year on my birthday, roughly 13 months ago. The thing is, that was the last time I asked. She might be willing to do it again, but I have not asked. She has not offered, and I just can't seem to find the words to bring it up. How can I say it in a way that isn't "I know you work part-time, go to college full time, and raise 2 kids, but could you also please put my **** in your mouth?"

I'm quite sure she used to really be into sex before the kids. She used to buy lingerie, have orgasms on a regular basis (I know she didn't fake them all), make me have sex with her in risky public places, etc. It's like she doesn't even remember that she used to be that way.

I take her out on dates, maybe once a month, but overnight babysitters are hard to come by. She's so worn out, and if we have an overnight babysitter, I know she'd rather get a full night's sleep than stay up having sex with me all night.
You seem like a nice, thoughtful guy. You're worried that she's too tired for sex. You think that her giving you a blowjob is too hard on her.

She doesn't behave as you would if you were in her position, so you believe that she must be thinking what YOU would be thinking if you did what she does.

You're a giver. You feel uncomfortable asking for things for yourself, about asking for your needs to be met.

For many women, their sexual desire is based on fulfilling YOUR sexual desire.

Read the first and watch the second.

What Men Think About Sex vs. Reality | The Huffington Post

understanding men alison armstrong - Bing video

Strange but true story:

Recently I was telling my wife that I had been really horny the previous day. She asked why I hadn't asked her for a blowjob. I told her that she'd been complaining about her tough day at work and seemed worn out so I thought it was too much to ask. She said "giving you a blowjob would have been just what I needed to get my mind off a tough day at work and feel good about myself".

For twenty years I thought I was making my wife's life easier by not asking much of her.

It turns out that what I was really doing was depriving her of the satisfaction of making me happy.

So. Be the best husband you can be and give your wife the opportunity to be the best wife she can be.

YMMV, but it's worth a try.

Last edited by Buddy400; 04-05-2017 at 11:09 PM.
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post #18 of 307 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by BioFury View Post
Indeed. Stress will absolutely kill a woman's sex drive. OP, you gotta thin the herd. Either college, her job, or both, need to go.
Believe me, I know. I want her to quit her job and focus on school. She's just finishing her 3rd year, and just one more left (I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL IT'S OVER!!!). I've convinced her to cut down to only working 2 days a week, and then she'll start working more after the semester ends next month. She refuses to quit, though, because it's important to her to feel like she's contributing financially. The extra money is nice, but it'd be a lot nicer to have a wife who isn't stressed out all the time.
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post #19 of 307 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
OH! Just saw this. I completely agree with this- this is WAY too much for a woman to have to manage. No wonder she's not into sex. Your wife has way too much on her plate. There's no way she can relax, she's in survival mode. Why on earth is she doing this?

Sorry, until something gives my pervious advice will not work. This is way too much for a mom of young kids in my opinion. All the vacuuming and car maintenance in the world is not going to help you get more passionate sex from this woman.
Agreed. I don't vacuum, do dishes etc because I want to get laid, I do them because it's my house too, and because I want my wife to feel less stress. But you're right, there is very little I can do about this in the near future. Survival mode... that is perfect.

I really don't want my wife to have so much on her plate. She didn't decide to go to college until she was 28, with 2 very young kids. I was happy that she finally decided she wanted to do this. Before, she worked in a unfulfilling job at a pharmacy. I try to do as much as a possibly can to ease this poor woman's load.

I suppose all I can really do is ride this out and hope that things pick up down the road, when she has less on her plate. For now, I really have stopped pestering her for sex, and am just trying to be a good supportive husband instead. We basically only have sex when she initiates. My desire to get laid has been eclipsed by my desire to not be a groveling, pestering, needy little *****. We have a date night this weekend, babysitter lined up, but not for an all-nighter. I'm not going to entertain the idea of sex, but I am going to try to make it a good night for her.

Last edited by podiumboy; 04-05-2017 at 11:21 PM.
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post #20 of 307 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:21 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Believe me, I know. I want her to quit her job and focus on school. She's just finishing her 3rd year, and just one more left (I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL IT'S OVER!!!). I've convinced her to cut down to only working 2 days a week, and then she'll start working more after the semester ends next month. She refuses to quit, though, because it's important to her to feel like she's contributing financially. The extra money is nice, but it'd be a lot nicer to have a wife who isn't stressed out all the time.
You need to communicate that to her. She is misdirecting her efforts into something she feels you need from her, while neglecting your real needs. Sit her down and kindly tell her that her contributing financially isn't what you need right now. Don't back down. Don't go with the flow of "I can't wait till she can fulfill my needs again". Communicate your thoughts to her, and then ask her to quit her job.

Make your desires very clear "Babe, I would like for you to quit your job. I need you at home."

"The problem with unproductive people, is that they tend to be the most reproductive people." - Unknown

"If you can't kill then you will always be subject to those who can." - Ender Wiggin

Last edited by BioFury; 04-05-2017 at 11:25 PM.
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post #21 of 307 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by Buddy400 View Post
Strange but true story:

Recently I was telling my wife that I had been really horny the previous day. She asked why I hadn't asked her for a blowjob. I told her that she'd been complaining about her tough day at work and seemed worn out so I thought it was too much to ask. She said "giving you a blowjob would have been just what I needed to get my mind off a tough day at work and feel good about myself".

For twenty years I thought I was making my wife's life easier by not asking much of her.

It turns out that what I was really doing was depriving her of the satisfaction of making me happy.

So. Be the best husband you can be and give your wife the opportunity to be the best wife she can be.

YMMV, but it's worth a try.
I am truly happy for you, that is awesome. My wife would never have that reaction in a million years. If my wife has a bad day at work, you can forget about sex, possibly for the rest of the week.
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post #22 of 307 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:35 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by podiumboy View Post
I am truly happy for you, that is awesome. My wife would never have that reaction in a million years. If my wife has a bad day at work, you can forget about sex, possibly for the rest of the week.
You might be surprised. For the first 20 years of our marriage, I never would have imagined that my wife would ever have that reaction either.

Missed a LOT of blowjobs. (the above story was well after our "sexual awakening", I'm not implying that your wife might react this way now).

What would you do if you got home from a tough day at work and your wife said she was really horny and desperately wanted you to go down on her?

Why is it not possible she would feel the same way you would?
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post #23 of 307 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 02:24 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

My issue is from the other perspective. My husband and I are late 40s. Been together 4 years, married for 18 months. We both feel this is the best relationship we have ever been in, soulmates, made for each other etc.

When we me we had both just left loveless sexless relationships. Mine after 21 years and two kids, no sex for 4 years - him a five year relationship, no kids, no sex for three years. When we got together we agreed that sex was very important, but not everything. If we had problems we would communicate any issues because we want this to work.

In the first year we had sex almost every day. Different kinds / positions / places. It was amazing. We got engaged and it went to 5 times a week. As yhe wedding got nearer 3 times a week. Now after 18 months its twice a month.

I went on a rant about it yesterday and I feel awful. I fancy my husband like mad. I still want sex everyday. I always used to try and initiate it but being rejected most days has had an effect on my confidence now. I feel like a sex pest and that I am putting pressure on him that he doesn't want or deserve.

I miss my sex life too. I don't even get duty sex

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post #24 of 307 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 05:14 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

I agree that she's got way too much on her plate.

But it really could be temporary..... eventually school will finish and the kids will get older.

Many women, myself included, prefer to work and not be completely finamcially dependent.

Your weight gain probably isn't the only reason for the dwindling sex, but it and the overall lack of effort to woo doesn't help.

It's good you see chores as your shared responsibility because you live there..... that's how I see it. I hate when people ask if my hb "helps". Um no, he does chores because he lives here and he's a grown ass man, and they need to be done.

I think you should be patient and work on yourself, and make a little more effort to woo. Not for immediate sex, but for the connection that will continue to be there once some of the stresses go away.

Your wife shows every indication that this will improve as the stresses in her life improve, and you uppimg your game will be extra frosting.

I don't think you need a bunch of female friends..... one could argue that isn't appropriate for a married man, but the knowledge that women are looking is a good thing.

Be careful not to make the assumption that all of these female friends somehow turned her on.....it may have just made her feel like she had to put out. That's doesn't sound like what you want.
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post #25 of 307 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 06:01 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Honestly, I would rather focus on my wife's sexual satisfaction than my own. I feel like when the kids were babies we got into some really bad sexual habits (the quickies, but that was her idea). I really wish she'd let me. She doesn't let me even touch her vagina, really. I think that her sexuality is buried deep in her identity. Being a mother, a full time student and having a part time job I think has really taken over and smothered her sexuality altogether. I truly do not believe she masturbates. I would be happy if she did, and encourage it. But she seriously doesn't seem likes she even thinks about such things. I'm not being naive; like I said, it is my wish that she did masturbate, showing some signs of life down there. Maybe she does, but she denies it.

I don't think she sees any problem. I'm getting sex on a pretty regular basis. To be honest, she seems genuinely happy to provide a hole for me to put my penis into. I am not some selfish husband who doesn't help out with the kids or clean the house. I do the dishes, I vacuum, I do laundry, I mow the yard, check the tires and oil in her car, etc, etc, etc. I'm happy to help her in any way I can. I don't think she would care about seeing a sex counselor, because in her mind I really don't think she thinks there is anything wrong with our sex life. Sometimes I bring up that she didn't seem like she was enjoying herself, and she replies "OMG, what do you want me to do? I'm not some porn star!"

But I truly don't think she's unhappy in our marriage. She actually just arranged for her teenage cousin to babysit our kids so we can go on a date this Saturday. She's really looking forward to it, there's a new restaurant she wants us to try.

I hate to admit it, but I let my friends get to me a couple months ago. I opened up to some friends at my buddies' bachelor party. The bachelor in question was a guy who was about to get married, and getting laid all the time. He had no ability to comprehend my situation. My other friend was in a sexless marriage with a woman who truly hated him; now he meets random girls on Tinder and has sex with them. My other friend hasn't had sex with his wife in 3 years, they're basically only together because they run a business together... he told me to quit *****ing about duty sex, and I couldn't argue with him. Yet another friend is not married, just got into a new relationship, and is having sex every day... he was no help either. It seems like nobody I know is in my somewhat unique situation.
Hi @podiumboy

Often couples get into a routine with a relationship after kids and marriage and hence, they seem to think that nothing is wrong.
The truth is that the standards have been lowered massively. If a business ran like this with this approach, it will die a slow death and crumble eventually.

Without sounding harsh, your response has a lot of excuses and justifications and with that intent, then it's going to stay where it is. I have no doubt that you are a great husband but doing those things around the house doesn't suddenly mean that you end up meeting all her needs.

You must take the bull by the horns and come up with some fun, exciting, spontaneous ways to raise the bar. Not just sexually but in all areas of life. One of the other posts has some really good ideas that you can use as a starting point.
Then and only then will you start to notice progress with your wife and overcome the 'routine'.

Hope that makes sense.

Thanks
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post #26 of 307 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 06:40 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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My situation isn't exactly like yours, but the sex aspect is. Things were great when we were dating, went downhill after the first kid and have just about tapered off after the second. She just dropped the bomb on me one day that she's never desired sex. She only did it because she wanted kids. She feels it has no purpose now. Like you, it has become duty sex. She does it so I can get off but there is no passion behind it anymore. It's "get hard and get done". I've tried explaining that it's not about the getting off but about that connection/intimacy.
If there was passion behind it in the past, then her statement about never having desire is false. She would have just gone through the motions. Something else behind it.
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post #27 of 307 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 06:48 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

I hope the passion comes back. But in the meantime, continue to be very thankful that you have a wife who wants to meet your needs, even when she's not feeling it herself. This is a byproduct of her strong love for you. There are a million stories where a low-libido spouse can't even be bothered to show up.

Do you have the ability to take a childless vacation when the semester ends? Somewhere warm and tropical that makes the juices start flowing?
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post #28 of 307 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 06:58 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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There's nothing wrong with communicating your desires to your wife. Ask her for what you want. You guys have a partnership, she takes care of you, you take care of her. Together, you then take care of your kids. Your needs are just as important as hers, and more important than your children's.

Why is she working, going to college, and raising kids all at once? She needs to thin her responsibilities list. She should be able to keep you at the top of her list of priorities. When your spouse starts getting knocked down to the 3rd, 4th, or 5th place on the list, that's when other responsibilities need to be eliminated.

You and your wife are the foundation of your family. If the foundation suffers, so will everything built upon it.
I liked this post because it hits the nail on the head. However, I am wondering if the OP has his wife on the top of the list before work, hobbies, etc? Sometimes women are so overwhelmed because they are not getting enough help, the man works and that is about it.
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post #29 of 307 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 07:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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I liked this post because it hits the nail on the head. However, I am wondering if the OP has his wife on the top of the list before work, hobbies, etc? Sometimes women are so overwhelmed because they are not getting enough help, the man works and that is about it.
I really like to think my wife is at the top of my list, honestly. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her at the drop of a hat, and I try to anticipate her needs and what is going to stress her out, and attempt to relieve that. While I love my kids and love being a father, I have never thrown my whole identity into being a parent like she has. I must say, it probably wasn't always this way. My job is extremely demanding of me at times, and especially when the kids were babies, I found it very hard to juggle it all. I sort of feel like I let her down during this time, and that was when things started to go south I think. Now I have my priorities straight, and have no problem telling my boss to **** off, I'm busy with my family. I was afraid of losing my job if I didn't kiss my boss and clients asses constantly. As far as hobbies, I don't really have any. I have a fairly active social life, but I'm not out until 2am closing down the bars on weekends. I usually limit it to one social affair every-other weekend. I used to play guitar in a band, and I'd like to get back to that someday, but right now that can't work.

I would like to take her on a vacation without the kids. Unfortunately, we just took a family vacation to Disney World (OMG that was expensive!!!), and have to travel pretty far for a family wedding this summer, so that kind of takes care of our vacation budget for the year. I'm going to see about some kind of weekend getaway or something, though. We need it, not just to have sex.
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post #30 of 307 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 07:25 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

Been there, done that except that we only had sex once a month vice once or twice a week. Many guys would give their left nut to be in your position. Your wife understands that sex is important to you and is trying to make sure that she meets your needs.

I think a lot of guys get hung up on sex. We view sex with our SO as a measure of how close we are. Why is that, because men are driven by action and sex is an action that we can relate to intimacy. But most men forget (or don't realize) that there is more to intimacy than just sex, there is an emotional part that is far more important to a lot of women.

This is where this quote hits the nail on the head:
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Originally Posted by shrah25 View Post
Reason being is that, every woman has their own levels of sexual activity and how they like the act of sex to be conducted. Some are more open and 'expressive' and some really like their partner to be a bit of a detective to some extent and really understand what it takes to turn her on. Based on my experience working with women, this is what it sounds like with your wife. But if she continues to give, give, give without getting her needs met, then that's where the resentment builds. She loves you and wants to help you but probably doesn't want to create drama by expressing her needs. This is where you come into play...
Your wife makes the effort to meet your intimacy needs, you should reciprocate. Read the book, "The Five Love Languages" It is an easy read and really gives an easy way to learn about yourself and your wife. You all can read it together. I bet as you fill her love tank, as the book puts it, you will find that not only will she have sex with you, she will start to enjoy it more. Meet her needs too.

I have learned that marriage involves effort on both parties, don't take it for granted. I wasted a good marriage by not putting in the time, you have the opportunity to correct the situation and make yours better. Your wife sounds like a great woman, put in the effort to learn about her needs and reap the rewards. This is not a quick process and really is a lifestyle change, but is worth it in the end.
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