Duty sex only - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 07:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by Buddy400 View Post
You might be surprised. For the first 20 years of our marriage, I never would have imagined that my wife would ever have that reaction either.

Missed a LOT of blowjobs. (the above story was well after our "sexual awakening", I'm not implying that your wife might react this way now).

What would you do if you got home from a tough day at work and your wife said she was really horny and desperately wanted you to go down on her?

Why is it not possible she would feel the same way you would?
If my wife asked me to go down on her, I would drop literally everything and anything to do it. I wouldn't care how tired I was, how busy I was, or if I had just broken my leg... I'd do that first. I seriously don't think my wife EVER considers oral sex as something that people actually do outside of porn. Her attitude seems to be "do people STILL do that?", like some kind of played out dance craze that was popular 10 years ago. We were hanging out with her sister and her husband recently, and her sister is a very openly sexual person (2nd husband, no longer married to the father of her kids... she used to be a major prude). She was joking about how her husband rarely reciprocates oral sex, and said to my wife "does he do that too?", in reference to me. My wife just kind of embarrassingly dodged the question, and I said "I give it as much as I get it", which was not a lie, and seemed to shut everybody up and change the subject.

We have a date night coming up this weekend. Vaginal sex is not an option for about a week, following my wife's recent trip to the dermatologist... no further need to comment on that, nothing serious. Since sex is off the table, part of me thinks it might be a good time to try to have a calm conversation about our sex life... I'd have to get her a little bit drunk first. But on the other hand, she might get defensive like she usually does, and I would really rather not spend our date night arguing about sex. I'm going to try to talk about it, though. There are some married men that still get blowjobs when their wife is on her period... I used to get this treatment as well. It seems selfish, but I didn't used to worry about it at all. Maybe she resented it secretly? She didn't seem to. Her attitude now on action during her period seems to be "OMG, you can wait a few more days to have sex, go jerk off."

I think I've really been trained to think of sex as something negative for my wife. Like last year on her 30th birthday, we went all out. Kids at grandparents, hotel room, nice dinner, went to a concert she likes. After we got back to the hotel, she went to the restroom, and I just went to sleep. She seemed surprised that I went to sleep instead of having kidless hotel sex. It was then that I realized, I just subconsciously assumed that since it was HER birthday instead of mine, that we wouldn't be having sex. I was trying to do something nice for her, by letting her sleep for an entire night with no chance of the kids waking her up, and no pestering by me to let me use her vagina to masturbate with. It never once occurred to me that she might want to have sex on her birthday, in a hotel, with the kids gone, after a success romantic date... that was kind of a wake up call for me. It never occurred to me that she might have been in the mood.
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post #32 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 08:26 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by Buddy400 View Post
You might be surprised. For the first 20 years of our marriage, I never would have imagined that my wife would ever have that reaction either.

Missed a LOT of blowjobs. (the above story was well after our "sexual awakening", I'm not implying that your wife might react this way now).

What would you do if you got home from a tough day at work and your wife said she was really horny and desperately wanted you to go down on her?

Why is it not possible she would feel the same way you would?
Because she's googling on how to overcome sexual aversion.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #33 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 08:36 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

I think all I can add, as someone with 3 young kids and probably relating to much of what you are dealing with, is just open up to your W about what is bothering you and see where the cards fall. Odds are your W is a) feeling "touched" out by the kids, b) loss of desire (whether due to hormone swings, body images) c) generally views it as less of a priority in your relationship then you do and d) just views it as a chore to check off her list.

I think what she needs to understand (and maybe through communicating to her it will help), there has to be a point where you both have to put your marriage first again. Constantly putting it on the back burner, waiting for "the kids to get older so things are easier" which seems to be an easy fall back excuse, soon enough you will find yourself with someone you are no longer emotionally connected to.
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post #34 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:17 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by megamuppet View Post
In the first year we had sex almost every day. Different kinds / positions / places. It was amazing. We got engaged and it went to 5 times a week. As yhe wedding got nearer 3 times a week. Now after 18 months its twice a month.

I went on a rant about it yesterday and I feel awful.
Do not feel bad about the rant. Entirely Justified. Talk again today.

Honey, I am here for you. I want to take this journey together. If you have a medical issue, let's go to the doctor and get it fixed. if I am doing something that bothers you, let's go to counselling and fix it. If I am lousy in bed, let's go to a sex therapist and learn how to please each other. But if you think I am going to stay in a sexless marriage again, you are crazy. So what can we do to address this? Because if you won't work with me on this, then this is n't the marriage I want and need. And I am too old to waste alot of time hoping you'll eventually change your mind.
@podiumboy: Tell your wife you understand. Tell her she has small kids underfoot and is touched out. Tell her you are willing to meet her halfway. But not get cut off entirely. Because you can't put your sex life on hold for 3 or 4 or 5 years (much 18 or 20) and think the relationship won't take a hit. It will. That doesn't make you immature or unreasonable. That makes you human. She doesn't really want to be married to a wimpy doormat, does she? If not, then she needs to realize you are not simply going to roll over and accept that she gets things 100% her way on this. Yes, it is her body. But if she doesn't want to share it with you, then she doesn't really want to be married to you.

When you can see it coming, duck!

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post #35 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:50 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

This too shall pass. Seriously. She's busy, she's tired, she's doing the best she can to make you happy and your not. She's exhausted. Right now sex isn't a priority to her. People have different needs. She knows it's important to you, so she does it. She sounds amazing to me.
When someone is doing the best they can during a hard time and it's met with un-appreciation or "not good enough", it will never end good. She will become resentful.
My advice... let it go. She's a wife, mother, student, and worker that's insane. Love her, appreciate her, support her and get through this little bump in your marriage stronger. If you push her too much it will cause resentment and your relationship will break.
Many men would kill to have a wife like yours.
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post #36 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:57 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

I often read posts on here about men saying... I've taken my wife for granted for years. I haven't treated her how I should of for years blah blah blah. Now my wife has told me she isn't in love with me anymore and wants a divorce or a separation. Don't be this person in 15 years.

All I'm saying is these stories are powerful. Hind sight is 20-20 I guess. All I'm saying is right now... she's doing awesome. She's doing the best she can. She's not perfect. Support her, treat her amazingly, appreciate what she does, and you guys will eventually get over this bump and she will love you for supporting her through it.
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post #37 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:57 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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This too shall pass. Seriously. She's busy, she's tired, she's doing the best she can to make you happy and your not. She's exhausted. Right now sex isn't a priority to her. People have different needs. She knows it's important to you, so she does it. She sounds amazing to me.
When someone is doing the best they can during a hard time and it's met with un-appreciation or "not good enough", it will never end good. She will become resentful.
My advice... let it go. She's a wife, mother, student, and worker that's insane. Love her, appreciate her, support her and get through this little bump in your marriage stronger. If you push her too much it will cause resentment and your relationship will break.
Many men would kill to have a wife like yours.
The problem with the "this too shall pass" idea, at what point do you sound the alarm when it doesn't. As I mentioned in my post, there is a point, maybe a breaking point, where it does more harm than good. There has to be some sort of balance between being understanding (this too shall pass) and putting your relationship back at the front. Waiting for things to pass can very easily lead to complacency.
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post #38 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

my situation is very similiar. i've shared. my latest update is that i discovered my wife has never had a passionate sex life, well that's what she now tells me which contradicts what she told me long ago about her past, and we did have some passion here and there but it's been muted by the latest duty sex refusal of affection spout that i can hardly remember it. she reminded mof the times, my depressed self stopped remembering the good times. we got kids very similiar to podium etc..

so the one thing i idscovered is she can only have orgasms by herself, never with a partner she now admits, she did use her clit vibrator once with me and she didnt feel at ease around me with it. very clammed about it. now i am thinking the issue is past abuse long ago somewhere in her history. i feel so bad about this for her it's bother me now even more knowing that it isn't me and that some monster hurt her in hte past.

so in my rage (which i never show anger, i am very non confrontational and peace maker) i mutilated her boy friend in front of her and threw him on the ground, all his wires adn electrical pieces thrown everywhere and ripped it with my bare hands. made me feel like a man again and she said 'oh you jealous of it' 'umm no, you are cheating on me with it, if we used it togehter like a tool like we use lube, like we use lingerie, etc.. i 'd be cool with it, if i was a 12 year old boy beating off to porn all day and gave oyu no attention you'd do the same'..

again i've made it 100% crystal clear i want her to use a vibrator in bed if that's what it takes. her anatomy is harder to please sexually is what she tells me, i think it's am ental block though now. her vagina looks beautiful and amazing and no different than anythign else i've seen its not like she has some missing clit or somehting lol.

i've even tried sneakign a vibrator in during sex, we tried the little **** ring things but they are well too tight and little to fit, she got me a bigger one (not bragging just providng for fact) she doesnt get pain in sex but the **** rign things didnt work. we did try that at one time but those things just suck.

i dont think she thinks about me when masturbating, or anything for that matter ,she has such a numb intimacy that she thinks of nothing, i have had trouble believing htat is true, i always felt there was some other guy or some past man that she is struggling to get over.

i can't think of a past girl friend that could ever even come to even entering my heart, so not sure how someone could bem arried to someone and have soemone from the past. she broke up with all her b/fs in the past, so it's not like she was left or cheated on, no one has ever cheatedo n her. if you saw my wife, you'd see why she has never had an issue with a man not wanting her.

in my discover, i actually found out i am her ultimate alpha male, i am not the beta i thoguht it was, i am not her back up plan, it's just she is affraid to open up to anyone and i've come closests to opening her up.

her last b/f was scared of her and kept leaving her over insecurity i figured out, it had nothing to do with him finding someone btter than her. she has a super model body, not making that up, litereally the sexiest woman alive in my eyes and would probably fit into modeling or acting based on her looks.

now maybe she fantasizes about men she's never had as she is too affraid and i am not as good as she could have gotten, that is a possibility but doesn't everyone fantasize about a super model, porn star, or actor/actress so that is normal, i only fantasize abut my wife and seldom use porn. only use porn when i am beyond frustarted and it's a numb beat off session where i just release the pain and stress without the joy of a true orgasm ,i fear this is theo nly orgasms she has ever had in her life.


she claims she is hard to please sexually, i believe her and i beleive she has never been pleased by a man before. it makes sense. my friends who know her who i have intimate communication with all agree with this theory ihave as i've now opened up to close friends and family that ican talk about this stuff with.

when i was 16 i had a g/f who all we'd do is oral, she was religious and wanted to save the piv for marriage, i had 2 years of this experience, every girl is different but my tongue muscles never tire and i know more about a clitoris and vulva than a mechanic knows a car.
i've had a lot of sexual experience, she doesnt know all of this history i am not that guy who shares my past unless pushed to (other girls pusehd for it). i say this for other men, it's not you, it truly isn't you at least in the bedroom ,might be you other areas but the sex skills are probably the problem for some but i doubt most men in htis day and age who have had experience are the problem.

Last edited by FORTIFIEDORANGE; 04-06-2017 at 11:52 AM.
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post #39 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:04 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Because she's googling on how to overcome sexual aversion.
Maybe.

It depends on whether she's actually repulsed by the idea of having sex or just concerned about where her libido went.

I'm not trying to claim that all (or most) women are secretly driven by the need to sexually please their husband.

But I am suggesting that it's a lot more than most guys (especially nice guys) would believe.

In fact, that may be a major difference between guys who get plenty of sex and those that don't; the guys getting sex assume that their partner wants to please them.

And yes, I am saying that women who would do this are largely unaware that this is something that would give them great satisfaction.
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post #40 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:06 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Podiumboy - You are telling us that having your wife enjoy and actively participate in your sexual activity together is important to you and that you are not satisfied or happy with your sexual life right now because that is not happening. Your wife on the other hand thinks things are fine - and that because she is willing to provide her body a couple times a week so you can get off - you should be fine too.

Clearly there seems to be a disconnect between your view of things and her view. It sounds like you have talked to her about your problem with your sex life. Since she is googling it it sounds like she may even have a sense of the disconnect - yet nothing is happening to resolve the problem - right?? Which brings you here. How can you fix this problem? You can't - at least not without her help!!

The questions in my mind is WHY is your wife not doing anything to resolve an issue in your marriage that is important to you and is causing you to be unsatisfied or unhappy in your marriage? Have you really successfully communicated the issue to her so that she understands why you feel the way you do - why this affects you - why you are unhappy with the status quo? Does she not believe you when you say this is important to you? Does she not care that it is important to you? Does she care but doesn't know how to fix it? Or is it simply a matter of not having the energy to fix it? The real problem for you is that you can not fix this issue without her helping you fix it AND (this is important) she seems to not be willing to do anything to help you fix this issue at this time. She won't even talk to you about it so that you can figure out why she won't help you fix it! Or is she talking to you and you just are not hearing her?

I think it is going to take some professional help for the two of you to fix this issue. Your wife's unwillingness to even discuss this issue with you seems more troubling to me than what is not happening in your bedroom.

Since she won't discuss the sexual issue with you - you might consider changing the discussion from why she is only willing to give you duty sex - to why she won't talk to you or work on an issue that is making you unsatisfied or unhappy in your marriage.

Find a good counselor to help you with this discussion!
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post #41 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:07 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Might as well share mine. Let me start by saying I really do love my wife, and have NO DESIRE to ever cheat on her or leave her. We've been married 9 years, together 11, and have 2 young kids. We actually have a great relationship, except where sex is concerned.



Typical story; great sex while we were dating, honeymoon phase, throughout her first pregnancy, right up until our first was born. Things tapered off a little bit, but I still feel our sex life was as good as it can be with a new baby. Then our 2nd/youngest was born 3.5 years ago. We waited the appropriate amount of time to resume sexual activity after the birth, but it was never the same after that. Even though we wouldn't trade anything, going from 1-2 kids was TOUGH, especially on my wife. Suddenly, me pestering her for sex just put me in the same category as the needy children. We ended up mastering the art of the "quickie", because that was all that we had time for. Eventually, all our sex became quickies, at her request. I knew she was stressed, I was happy to be getting anything. I just figured this was a phase that would pass.



But a couple years ago it actually occurred to me; my wife gets no enjoyment out of sex. There's no passion, no foreplay, nothing. The more I brought this up, the more annoyed she got. Oral sex is completely off the table, giving or receiving. She has absolutely no desire to have any foreplay at all. She doesn't even want to try to pretend to enjoy sex, much less have an orgasm (at least not with me... don't know if she masturbates or not, but I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't). She still allows me to have sex with her 1-2 times a week, except during shark week. But this is strictly for me to get off. The only thing it does for her is allows her to not feel bad for being one of "those wives" who never gives it up. She even initiates sex with me maybe 1/3 of the time, which confuses me even more. Why does she initiate if she doesn't want to do it? She then proceeds to take her clothes off like she's at a doctor's office, gives me a hand job just to make sure I get hard, and then away I go. Maybe 1 out of every 4 times she makes any noise at all... it's actually pretty awkward. Makes me feel bad, like I'm just using her vagina to masturbate with. As soon as we're (I'm) done, there is no pillow talk. It's just right back to "Tomorrow I have to get up early and get this done and get the kids ready and yada yada yada...". Any attempt to address the sex we just had and her lack of enthusiasm is met with immediate defensiveness, and telling me I'm putting too much pressure on her.



For awhile, it was really tearing me up inside. She is such a kind, loving wife... until it comes to sex. She doesn't think our sex life is an appropriate thing to talk about. It's like she has a completely G-Rated mind. She gets easily offended if other people even talk about sex or make dirty jokes. The kids sleep with us most nights, and I think that's her way of avoiding intimacy, even though she denies this. I found a couple articles in her search history (I'll explain why I was looking in a second) about how to overcome sexual aversion and how to get back her sex drive as a mother of 2 young kids. She doesn't know why her sex drive is gone, but she is confident that one day it will return. She says she wants to want to have sex... whatever that means.



Before anybody starts, I truly don't believe she's having an affair. I researched this very thoroughly for one year and never came up with even one shred of proof that she was cheating. I was extremely paranoid. I kept thinking that the reason she wouldn't give me oral is because she was giving it some other guy. It took me down a dark path, but I'm off of that now. I suppose nothing is certain, but I truly don't think she is. And if she is cheating on me, and I found out about it, then that's her problem, not mine.



I suppose I'm just venting. It feels good to get this stuff out there, I don't really have anybody I can talk to about this. All my friends are either miserably married, or are divorced and tell me "Just divorce and go bang girls on Tinder... it's great!!!" Then of course, there's the "friends" who say "that sucks, my wife has sex with me in every way possible for an hour every single day, twice on the weekends... you must not be any good at sex, or she's having an affair." BTW, I am not bad at sex. She thoroughly enjoyed herself earlier in our relationship, as did other girls before I got with my wife.


Well first I want to explain that I'm not a Dr or any type of counselor. I'm only replying due to my own experience with this and adding a few suggestions. My wife and I have been married 3yrs together 6. My second her first marriage. I have kids from previous marriage and she has none.

I also noticed the exact same instance you shared with your sex life. My advice is to seek some help. My situation our marital sex issues were both our issues. My wife's childhood abusive past caught up to he. When we argued, there were certain triggers that would surface those memories. Tone of voice, body language, small things that only recognized only if you knew to look for them. This created issues for her to trust me completely.

Secondly stop pressuring, I know it's hard! I did it also. So instead, like the web search bar; your wife's brain has 40 tabs open at the top at a time. Your job as her husband is to help relieve some pressure and help take one of the tabs off. Rather its kids, school, housework find something to remove from her to do list. Not saying your not. But as I could you can improve.

Talk to her or a counselor about a sexual reprieve. Take some time no sex, no masturbation. Decide on how long, you wife gets to decide that. She and only she can break the reprieve early without pressure. Could be up to a 60 day reprieve. Gives the body, mind, marriage time to reset sexually. Takes pressure off and most of the time the wife breaks the reprieve off early cause that pressure is not there and they can breathe. Don't do this on your own, talk about it together and get a little help. I did!


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post #42 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:30 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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You might be surprised. For the first 20 years of our marriage, I never would have imagined that my wife would ever have that reaction either.



Missed a LOT of blowjobs. (the above story was well after our "sexual awakening", I'm not implying that your wife might react this way now).



What would you do if you got home from a tough day at work and your wife said she was really horny and desperately wanted you to go down on her?



Why is it not possible she would feel the same way you would?


You've got nothing to lose, OP. My wife rarely gives blowjobs these days. But one night about two weeks ago we were lying in bed about to get busy, and I went ahead and asked for one. She didn't say a word, and slid on down and sucked me like a champ. I couldn't believe it!!! Lol. She didn't ***** and moan about it, just went to work. I let her go for about 5-10min before I got too far...but it was bliss.

Funny cause I got emboldened to ask her for a blowjob from something I read here on TAM. Basically someone was recommending to "just ask!". I am new to the forums and my story is similar to yours. Good luck!


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post #43 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:36 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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I think I've really been trained to think of sex as something negative for my wife. Like last year on her 30th birthday, we went all out. Kids at grandparents, hotel room, nice dinner, went to a concert she likes. After we got back to the hotel, she went to the restroom, and I just went to sleep. She seemed surprised that I went to sleep instead of having kidless hotel sex. It was then that I realized, I just subconsciously assumed that since it was HER birthday instead of mine, that we wouldn't be having sex. I was trying to do something nice for her, by letting her sleep for an entire night with no chance of the kids waking her up, and no pestering by me to let me use her vagina to masturbate with. It never once occurred to me that she might want to have sex on her birthday, in a hotel, with the kids gone, after a success romantic date... that was kind of a wake up call for me. It never occurred to me that she might have been in the mood.
Us understanding, good guys who care about our wives often do this to ourselves.

You have to be vulnerable. Sure, letting her know how much you want something gives her power to hurt you by not giving it to you. But never asking for what you want insures that you'll never get it.

That the night at the hotel probably had the perverse effect of making her think that having sex with you wasn't that important to you. Why should she put herself out (or go to the effort of getting herself in the mood) when it's not that important to you?

Do not over-talk this. Let her know how important sex is to you. Tell her that it's important to you to feel that having sex with you is something that she actually wants. Express your willingness to do whatever you can to make it good for her as well. Tell her that you understand the pressure she's under and offer to do whatever you can to make life easier for her. But tell her that you're afraid that if things continue as they are that you'll stop initiating, your sex life will whither, you'll lose your emotional connection and the marriage will be damaged. Then, if things fail to improve, a follow-up to make sure she understands how serious this is to you.

The focus should be on your concern for the marriage, not lack of sex. You're not trying to talk her into changing, you're just telling her how you see things. Then, it'll be up to her to put in the effort if she cares to.

Do all the things that are recommended here on TAM to improve yourself.

All of this assumes that she loves you and is happy being married to you.
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post #44 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:46 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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When we me we had both just left loveless sexless relationships. Mine after 21 years and two kids, no sex for 4 years - him a five year relationship, no kids, no sex for three years. When we got together we agreed that sex was very important, but not everything. If we had problems we would communicate any issues because we want this to work.
......

I miss my sex life too. I don't even get duty sex
Sounds like you did everything right to try to prevent this. It's a sober reminder that a good long-term marriage also requires some good luck no matter how careful we try to be when choosing a spouse.
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post #45 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:48 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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The questions in my mind is WHY is your wife not doing anything to resolve an issue in your marriage that is important to you and is causing you to be unsatisfied or unhappy in your marriage? Have you really successfully communicated the issue to her so that she understands why you feel the way you do - why this affects you - why you are unhappy with the status quo? Does she not believe you when you say this is important to you? Does she not care that it is important to you? Does she care but doesn't know how to fix it? Or is it simply a matter of not having the energy to fix it? The real problem for you is that you can not fix this issue without her helping you fix it AND (this is important) she seems to not be willing to do anything to help you fix this issue at this time. She won't even talk to you about it so that you can figure out why she won't help you fix it! Or is she talking to you and you just are not hearing her?
First, my wife loves me is very happily married.

So, I had to ask myself the same question "Since my wife loves me and knows that this is important to me, why isn't she doing anything about it?"

The answer turned out to be that she really didn't understand just how important it was to me. It's difficult for me to see how she couldn't have known. If the reverse was the case, there's no way I wouldn't have known and done something about it. So, I assumed that she just didn't care, didn't love me as much as she claimed or really hated doing it".

When I finally got through to her, she swears she had no idea. She thought it was just a little thing, etc.

I made the mistake of thinking she was just like me; that she would be as aware of my needs as I was of hers.

I turned out that I just needed to stop being a weenie, allow myself to be vulnerable enough to make my needs clear and she was more than happy to give me what I wanted. In fact, giving me what I wanted made her happy. It inspired me to give her even more of what she needed and it's been an upward spiral ever since.

I'm not claiming that this works every time (or even most of the time). But if it does, you're going to feel pretty stupid not trying it earlier.
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