....married 9 years, together 11, and have 2 young kids....
Typical story; great sex while we were dating, honeymoon phase, throughout her first pregnancy, right up until our first was born. Things tapered off a little bit, but I still feel our sex life was as good as it can be with a new baby. Then our 2nd/youngest was born 3.5 years ago. .....Suddenly, me pestering her for sex just put me in the same category as the needy children...... I knew she was stressed, I was happy to be getting anything. I just figured this was a phase that would pass.
But a couple years ago it actually occurred to me; my wife gets no enjoyment out of sex. There's no passion, no foreplay, nothing. The more I brought this up, the more annoyed she got. Oral sex is completely off the table, giving or receiving. She has absolutely no desire to have any foreplay at all.
.....She still allows me to have sex with her 1-2 times a week, except during shark week.
.......She even initiates sex with me maybe 1/3 of the time, which confuses me even more. Why does she initiate if she doesn't want to do it? She then proceeds to take her clothes off like she's at a doctor's office, gives me a hand job just to make sure I get hard, and then away I go. Maybe 1 out of every 4 times she makes any noise at all... it's actually pretty awkward....
...As soon as we're (I'm) done, there is no pillow talk. It's just right back to "Tomorrow I have to get up early and get this done and get the kids ready and yada yada yada...". Any attempt to address the sex we just had and her lack of enthusiasm is met with immediate defensiveness, and telling me I'm putting too much pressure on her.
....She is such a kind, loving wife... until it comes to sex. She doesn't think our sex life is an appropriate thing to talk about. It's like she has a completely G-Rated mind. She gets easily offended if other people even talk about sex or make dirty jokes. The kids sleep with us most nights, and I think that's her way of avoiding intimacy, even though she denies this. I found a couple articles in her search history (I'll explain why I was looking in a second) about how to overcome sexual aversion and how to get back her sex drive as a mother of 2 young kids.....
It is amazing how much insight you have and yet how little you understand what is happening.
First, to answer the big question. Why does she initiate if she doesn't want to do it?
Because she loves you, loves being married to you and values you as a husband and father to your children. She knows there is a problem, doesn't feel comfortable talking about it, and yet she is looking up articles on how to try to regain her libido. SHE IS TRYING TO BE ALL SHE CAN BE AND TO BE A GOOD WIFE, but the deck is kind of stacked against her and you aren't helping make it easier.
A minor point. "...gives me a hand job just to make sure I get hard, ..." Whether you believe it or not, that is a form of foreplay! It might not be the edging or fantasy foreplay you want, but it is foreplay.
As a man who was in a Sex Starved Marriage, but got it turned around the following is probably more huge than you understand. there is no pillow talk. It's just right back to "Tomorrow I have to get up early and get this done and get the kids ready and yada yada yada...".
Many (not all) women have as either a primary or secondary love language (Chapman's 5 Love Languages) the love language of "quality time." Quality time is having someone to listen to them talk and share their concerns and experiences with. They are "venting" but asking for empathy, sort like your post, so you should understand. The "yada, yada, yada" when she is trying to have some quality time with you, just screams out that you are probably not giving her the "quality time" she needs to feel loved and cherished.
There are thousands of men out there in truly sex starved marriages that would give their all to have a wife, that gave them sex maybe 3 to 6 times a month, initiated about 1/3rd of the time, made noises (hopefully pleasant) about 1/4 of the time, touches their penis to arouse them (as opposed to being a dead fish, thinking of England) and was a good wife and mother to their children, even if the passion factor wasn't up there. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS.
Now lets get to the deck being stack against her.
Ever heard of the 7-year itch? Your marriage is no longer in the early honeymoon phase.
me pestering her for sex just put me in the same category as the needy children...... I knew she was stressed,
There's no passion, no foreplay, nothing. The more I brought this up, the more annoyed she got.
The kids sleep with us most nights,
telling me I'm putting too much pressure on her.
Again, it is amazing how well you understand so many of the issues and yet.....you don't.
I would suggest that you sit down with your wife outside the bedroom, once the kids are asleep and talk to her. Tell her that you now are beginning to understand that you are now part of the problem in your sexual relations with your wife. Apologize to her for being part of the problem and not making her feel as loved and cherished as she deserves and for being greedy and needy and putting pressure on her.
Tell her that you are committed to change yourself so that you can be a better husband, but you will need her help to reinforce your changes. Tell her that you would like the two of you to figure out some way to get marriage counseling so that you can change yourself and so that the two of you can strengthen your marriage.
I was in a sex starved marriage. You are not. My wife and I needed the help of a Sex Therapist, you just need a good marriage counselor and some time to strengthen your marriage.
You really need to read Chapman's 5 Languages of Love and Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy.