Duty sex only - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #61 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by BioFury View Post
Yes, be direct. Tell her what you need, and ask her what she needs. Man up and stop beating around the bush.



Dude, stop thinking of your desires as not being important. Allowing your wife to take on demanding, unnecessary responsibilities at the expense of your marriage is not being a good husband. If your own needs aren't being met properly, that cripples your ability to meet the needs of others, and fulfill your responsibilities.

A good husband makes sure that his own needs are met by his wife, and that his wife's needs are being properly met by him. This ensures that your relationship and marriage remain strong. Which allows you to properly take care of your children, and the needs of the household in general.
That's all well and good, but my wife seriously believes everything is fine with our sex life. When I voice my doubts, she just brushes it off, saying that I watch too much porn and expect her to act like a porn star. Now I admit I watch my fair share of porn, but I know that porn sex and real sex are very different things.

Who knows? Maybe she'll never get back her sex drive. Maybe it's just me? Maybe she'll meet somebody else who lights her fire? I don't know, there's absolutely no way to predict that. But I do know that at this point, our sex life truly is as good as it possibly can be. She cannot be seduced... at least not by me. Giving me a blowjob won't make her feel better about herself after a bad day. I don't buy it that she doesn't love me because she doesn't share her body with me completely. She actually shows me she loves me in many other ways, tells me every single day, and I to her. I think part of it is she's overwhelmed, and I think part of it is she has grown to associate sex with negative feelings somehow. Like every mistake I've made gets lumped into this giant mass that is sitting on top of her sex drive or something.

Here's the thing; about 12-18 months ago, somewhere in there, my wife said she wanted counseling. I dismissed it. She had a friend that was in marriage counseling, and I just thought she was being emotional and wanted to go to counseling because her friend was. Like my wife was almost jealous of her friend for going. I assumed a MC was just a scam artist, telling the woman what she wanted to hear, to validate her feelings, and keep her coming back for more appointments so that the MC can get more $$$$$. The husbands of these women, desperate to make their woman happy so they can get laid, keep forking over money to these guys to keep their wives happy. A very ignorant and narrow minded view, I must admit, but that's what my cynical mind thought at the time. But now that I have done my research, I think maybe we should go. I don't think it'd hurt us at all. I've asked her if she still feels we should go to counseling, 12-18 months later, and she claims that we were just going through a rough spot, and that she thinks we have come out of it on our own just fine. I agree that our relationship is much better than it was; I have certainly made some positive changes in myself, and I can tell that she can see and appreciate that. But I feel like if I suggest counseling now, she'll get pissed because 1. I wasn't willing to go when she brought it up, and 2. because I just want to go to a counselor to talk about something so insignificant as sex.

You people have brought up an interesting point that I really hadn't considered. You say that I have put her needs ahead of my own... and it's true. It's almost like my needs, desires, etc are irrelevant to me. After a particularly bad blowup about a year ago, I really started to listen to what she was saying. I worked very hard to try and change the things about myself that she was unhappy with. I busted my ass trying to meet her needs, going the extra mile to prove to her that things were going to be different. I guess after a year, she feels satisfied with the changes I've made, she tells me time and time again. So now she really doesn't want MC, why? Because I'm meeting her needs. Meanwhile, she's not really meeting mine entirely, and now I'm the one thinking that maybe some intervention might be nice. Funny how that works, isn't it?

The thing I keep coming back to is that, for now, I need to just accept her as she is and my marriage as it is. It's more than just "oh I wish my wife would give me a BJ, cause BJ's are awesome!". It's just a strong desire to have a mutually satisfactory sex life with my wife. It's just not possible right now. And maybe it will never be possible again. But for now, while she's in school, and our kids are so young, I just can't continue to focus on this negativity. She suffers from sexual aversion, and she's trying to work on it, but she's got a million other priorities. I need to just be happy with that for now. Yes, I know she's supposed to put me first, but guess what? We live in an adult world, and that's not always possible. I try to put my wife first as well, but sometimes **** gets in my way too. Sometimes my career causes me to work 14-16 hour days, and I have nothing left when I get home. Sometimes the kids take precedence, because they're little and needy and can't even get a glass of water by themselves. That's just life, that doesn't mean we don't love each other.

I am 35 now, she's 31. I have made a decision that I'm going to wait until I turn 40, and revisit this situation. She'll be done with school, in a career, our kids will be in elementary school and more independent (able to get their own water, lol), and hopefully I'll be making more money than I do now, and be a buff, sexy man. If things haven't improved by then naturally, then it will be time to have some serious talks and intervention. That's only 5 years, and it will go by very fast. I'm not putting my life on hold for 5 years. I have a great life. Good job, great wife, great kids... I really can't complain too much. My wife and I talk about trips we want to take, goals we have for the future, and yes we also have plans for things we'd like to do with our kids. Taking our kids to Disney World doesn't mean our marriage has no romance, in response to whoever said that. It just means we love our kids and wanted to do something fun with them. They'll likely not remember it, they're 3 and 5... but I know my wife and I will never forget that trip, and those amazing memories we made together with our kids. They'll only be kids for so long. In 20 years they'll both be out of the house and on their own (hopefully), and I want to enjoy my time with them, not leave them with grandparents all the time or count down the days until they move out so my wife and I can be alone together again. It's about accepting life as it is, instead of what everybody thinks it should be.

Bottom line; if sex life doesn't improve by the time I'm 40, in 5 years, then it's going to be time to have some hard conversations. I can definitely last that long, it's not like I'm in agony right now, and I don't think she is either. I'm just going to keep trying to improve myself, and our relationship. And if she is unhappy with me and decides to cheat on me or leave me, then as I've said before, that is her problem, not mine, and she was obviously not who I thought she was, and not worth my time.
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post #62 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

Also, there is one thing somebody said that really sticks out to me, and I'm really going to work on this.

I need to lose weight and get into shape. Not because my wife will suddenly want me more because I'm better looking, I actually don't think that'd make much of a difference. But if other women start thinking I'm attractive, that will basically act as a jump start to her libido. Guaranteed. Right now, while I don't consider myself to be ugly or repulsive, I'm not going to turn any heads either. There is something primal in a woman, where if another woman shows interest in her man, she's going to want to mark her territory, just to show those other *****es up. Right now, she doesn't have to worry about that, nobody wants her man.

It's not the same with men. It doesn't matter how many men show they are attracted to my wife or not... I still think she's beautiful and I'm gonna try to "mark my territory" every chance I get, just because she's hot.
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post #63 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:50 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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That's all well and good, but my wife seriously believes everything is fine with our sex life. When I voice my doubts, she just brushes it off, saying that I watch too much porn and expect her to act like a porn star. Now I admit I watch my fair share of porn, but I know that porn sex and real sex are very different things.

Who knows? Maybe she'll never get back her sex drive. Maybe it's just me? Maybe she'll meet somebody else who lights her fire? I don't know, there's absolutely no way to predict that. But I do know that at this point, our sex life truly is as good as it possibly can be. She cannot be seduced... at least not by me. Giving me a blowjob won't make her feel better about herself after a bad day. I don't buy it that she doesn't love me because she doesn't share her body with me completely. She actually shows me she loves me in many other ways, tells me every single day, and I to her. I think part of it is she's overwhelmed, and I think part of it is she has grown to associate sex with negative feelings somehow. Like every mistake I've made gets lumped into this giant mass that is sitting on top of her sex drive or something.

Here's the thing; about 12-18 months ago, somewhere in there, my wife said she wanted counseling. I dismissed it. She had a friend that was in marriage counseling, and I just thought she was being emotional and wanted to go to counseling because her friend was. Like my wife was almost jealous of her friend for going. I assumed a MC was just a scam artist, telling the woman what she wanted to hear, to validate her feelings, and keep her coming back for more appointments so that the MC can get more $$$$$. The husbands of these women, desperate to make their woman happy so they can get laid, keep forking over money to these guys to keep their wives happy. A very ignorant and narrow minded view, I must admit, but that's what my cynical mind thought at the time. But now that I have done my research, I think maybe we should go. I don't think it'd hurt us at all. I've asked her if she still feels we should go to counseling, 12-18 months later, and she claims that we were just going through a rough spot, and that she thinks we have come out of it on our own just fine. I agree that our relationship is much better than it was; I have certainly made some positive changes in myself, and I can tell that she can see and appreciate that. But I feel like if I suggest counseling now, she'll get pissed because 1. I wasn't willing to go when she brought it up, and 2. because I just want to go to a counselor to talk about something so insignificant as sex.

You people have brought up an interesting point that I really hadn't considered. You say that I have put her needs ahead of my own... and it's true. It's almost like my needs, desires, etc are irrelevant to me. After a particularly bad blowup about a year ago, I really started to listen to what she was saying. I worked very hard to try and change the things about myself that she was unhappy with. I busted my ass trying to meet her needs, going the extra mile to prove to her that things were going to be different. I guess after a year, she feels satisfied with the changes I've made, she tells me time and time again. So now she really doesn't want MC, why? Because I'm meeting her needs. Meanwhile, she's not really meeting mine entirely, and now I'm the one thinking that maybe some intervention might be nice. Funny how that works, isn't it?

The thing I keep coming back to is that, for now, I need to just accept her as she is and my marriage as it is. It's more than just "oh I wish my wife would give me a BJ, cause BJ's are awesome!". It's just a strong desire to have a mutually satisfactory sex life with my wife. It's just not possible right now. And maybe it will never be possible again. But for now, while she's in school, and our kids are so young, I just can't continue to focus on this negativity. She suffers from sexual aversion, and she's trying to work on it, but she's got a million other priorities. I need to just be happy with that for now. Yes, I know she's supposed to put me first, but guess what? We live in an adult world, and that's not always possible. I try to put my wife first as well, but sometimes **** gets in my way too. Sometimes my career causes me to work 14-16 hour days, and I have nothing left when I get home. Sometimes the kids take precedence, because they're little and needy and can't even get a glass of water by themselves. That's just life, that doesn't mean we don't love each other.

I am 35 now, she's 31. I have made a decision that I'm going to wait until I turn 40, and revisit this situation. She'll be done with school, in a career, our kids will be in elementary school and more independent (able to get their own water, lol), and hopefully I'll be making more money than I do now, and be a buff, sexy man. If things haven't improved by then naturally, then it will be time to have some serious talks and intervention. That's only 5 years, and it will go by very fast. I'm not putting my life on hold for 5 years. I have a great life. Good job, great wife, great kids... I really can't complain too much. My wife and I talk about trips we want to take, goals we have for the future, and yes we also have plans for things we'd like to do with our kids. Taking our kids to Disney World doesn't mean our marriage has no romance, in response to whoever said that. It just means we love our kids and wanted to do something fun with them. They'll likely not remember it, they're 3 and 5... but I know my wife and I will never forget that trip, and those amazing memories we made together with our kids. They'll only be kids for so long. In 20 years they'll both be out of the house and on their own (hopefully), and I want to enjoy my time with them, not leave them with grandparents all the time or count down the days until they move out so my wife and I can be alone together again. It's about accepting life as it is, instead of what everybody thinks it should be.

Bottom line; if sex life doesn't improve by the time I'm 40, in 5 years, then it's going to be time to have some hard conversations. I can definitely last that long, it's not like I'm in agony right now, and I don't think she is either. I'm just going to keep trying to improve myself, and our relationship. And if she is unhappy with me and decides to cheat on me or leave me, then as I've said before, that is her problem, not mine, and she was obviously not who I thought she was, and not worth my time.
You've been given some good advice. Take it and take care of things NOW. Don't wait five years until you're forty! Your prostate is going to be the size of a grapefruit by then! Consider that YOUR sex drive is likely to change by then if you don't take care of yourself physically. I know: I'm well past 40 and it's been all downhill since.
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post #64 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 08:20 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by podiumboy View Post

I need to lose weight and get into shape. Not because my wife will suddenly want me more because I'm better looking, I actually don't think that'd make much of a difference. But if other women start thinking I'm attractive, that will basically act as a jump start to her libido. Guaranteed. Right now, while I don't consider myself to be ugly or repulsive, I'm not going to turn any heads either. There is something primal in a woman, where if another woman shows interest in her man, she's going to want to mark her territory, just to show those other *****es up. Right now, she doesn't have to worry about that, nobody wants her man.

It's not the same with men. It doesn't matter how many men show they are attracted to my wife or not... I still think she's beautiful and I'm gonna try to "mark my territory" every chance I get, just because she's hot.
IDK, I would not rely on getting into shape as a way to supercharge your W's libido. It can't hurt, but I definitely wouldn't rest my hopes on this.
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post #65 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 08:31 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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IDK, I would not rely on getting into shape as a way to supercharge your W's libido. It can't hurt, but I definitely wouldn't rest my hopes on this.
Yeah, I don't think that will make much of a difference. I think that main thing that's happened is she has gotten settled into what she wants, made you accept it and you seem to be fine with the little she offers. That's not ok! That's how we started and that's led to a sexless marriage. You should act on this now and not just accept the little she's willing to give. Soon you won't be having sex at all.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #66 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 09:12 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

I think your situation can be improved but you have much to be thankful for. The upcoming carribean vacation sounds like a great idea. My advice: 1) continue to exercise even if it is just walking, look your best; the point is NOT to attract other women to make your wife concerned, she does not need that in addition to everything else; the point is you will feel better about yourself 2) you are young yet, these busy years will pass; I and wife are in mid 60s and empty nest; my wife got a masters degree in her 50s, and a subsequent related job that she loved; we are both retired now; we raised an autistic child which takes more time and effort and stress than normal kids; I would never have believed this when I was your age but sex can be wild and awesome and very satisfying at our age. 3) If she is willing, she should try supplements that increase female libido just before date night or when you know you will have time alone... epimedium (horny goat weed) (about 25 mg icariin max for women e.g. 3% icariin of 750 mg tablet) it is safe, not just for men; also L-arginine / pycnogenol (Prelox); maca.
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post #67 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 09:40 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

Forgive me if this has already been suggested...
And maybe because it's worded as duty sex I can relate...
BUT
I can relate to the following:
Constant arguments and dismissal of fighting to get ones needs met. Refusal to go to counselling. Feeling unheard.
A year or two later, efforts are made. Wonderful. Awesome.
It's not that needs are being met.
It is no longer a requirement.
One just stops asking.
One just says things are just fine.
Point received. Not important enough.
Duty sex is....its no longer a relationship because that has expectations that have been clearly denied.
Alright. What now? Stop having expectations and just get on with life. Pretty difficult to share intimacy when it's a battle for basic relationship needs.
I can't even describe how deep that goes. Much more than you know.
Because it's not that your spouse wants you to leave...they don't. They just don't want to hear about "needs" or issues.
Just be quiet. Quit it with the expectations. Stop nagging me for stuff. Just be happy with what it is.
Okay. Done deal. No complaints. All is well.
Duties only.


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post #68 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 09:50 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

It is a privilege to share what one needs are in a relationship. It's what makes it an intimate relationship as opposed to living with a co worker.
It's respectful to offer your partner the opportunity to work with you on those needs.
It's the right thing to do.
Share, speak up, work together on them.
Privilege can be revoked.



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post #69 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:03 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by podiumboy View Post
Also, there is one thing somebody said that really sticks out to me, and I'm really going to work on this.

I need to lose weight and get into shape. Not because my wife will suddenly want me more because I'm better looking, I actually don't think that'd make much of a difference. But if other women start thinking I'm attractive, that will basically act as a jump start to her libido. Guaranteed. Right now, while I don't consider myself to be ugly or repulsive, I'm not going to turn any heads either. There is something primal in a woman, where if another woman shows interest in her man, she's going to want to mark her territory, just to show those other *****es up. Right now, she doesn't have to worry about that, nobody wants her man.

It's not the same with men. It doesn't matter how many men show they are attracted to my wife or not... I still think she's beautiful and I'm gonna try to "mark my territory" every chance I get, just because she's hot.
I agree with getting yourself into shape. It does require an unwavering determination for the first month and a workout plan and diet plan before you enter any gym.

That said, I think that there is only a small chance that it will have a noticeable effect on your wife's sexual desire because it's difficult to change someone's impression and because your kids will still be needy five years from now. It will however, greatly increase your chances of being able to enjoy great sex later in life. It will also give you more energy and mostly importantly a sense of self-worth.
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post #70 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Yeah, I don't think that will make much of a difference. I think that main thing that's happened is she has gotten settled into what she wants, made you accept it and you seem to be fine with the little she offers. That's not ok! That's how we started and that's led to a sexless marriage. You should act on this now and not just accept the little she's willing to give. Soon you won't be having sex at all.
The problem is, in this situation, she holds all the cards. What consequences does she really have by not making our sex life a priority? It's not bad enough for me to want to leave, and I am not somebody who would have an affair. What do I have that she wants/needs? Other than financial support and help with the children, not much. It's not like I am gonna just say "no, you can't go buy groceries until you and I have some decent sex!" I know that's gonna piss a lot of people off, but ultimately it's the truth. My wife is not a gold digger who treats me like an ATM, really. I know some of you say that my needs matter, and they do to a point. I realize she should want me to be satisfied with our sex life, but she just can't provide that for me. She simply can't make herself want to have sex with me, anymore than I can make myself want to go spend the day shopping, or hanging out with her family. I do it because I have to sometimes, and she has sex with me sometimes because she has to. Because marriage is about sacrifice. In her situation, having duty sex with me is her sacrifice. It's taking time out of her busy schedule to do something I want. I'm not sure if I can make sex something she wants to do again or not. I hope so, I really do.

I can see why some men do cheat. Sometimes, I think it would just be nice to have sex with someone who wanted have sex with me. Who had no inhibitions, no walls up, nothing else on her mind. But that's not me, I would get divorced before I got to that point. And if she ever did cheat on me, there would be no second chances for her, no limbo period of her going back and forth, no hysterical bonding sex, etc. Just straight up DONE. There is no way I could live with the fact that some other guy was having full course meals, while I was at home getting sloppy seconds and table scraps, all while paying the bills and caring for the kids.
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post #71 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:29 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

Get into shape for YOU, not to make your wife jealous. What kind of power trip do you think this is? Sheesh!

Think of it this way, do you think she wants to be smothered by a smelly, sweaty, jiggling shadow of the man she fell for? I'm not a woman but I would be glad if that experience was over in two minutes and would be looking for an out.

Really, if you're concerned about it being mundane, then it's not the act itself but the context - and I'm not talking about wining and dining her and expecting a reward. You're right: sex should NOT be a duty, but neither should it be a requirement. It's an act of giving. Your wife is already a giver. It's not that the milk has been soured, you've just gotten spoiled.

This vacation should be a good start. Take some time to unwind and relax first, then let it happen. Don't force it. If she's showing initiative already, then something WILL happen.
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post #72 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:44 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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That's all well and good, but my wife seriously believes everything is fine with our sex life. When I voice my doubts, she just brushes it off, saying that I watch too much porn and expect her to act like a porn star. Now I admit I watch my fair share of porn, but I know that porn sex and real sex are very different things.
She brushes it off because you haven't done a good enough job explaining to her how important it is and why it is important.

Don't focus on talking about sex. Talk about the relationship; the marriage. When she doesn't appear to want or enjoy sex with you; you build resentment and become emotionally detached. When you are emotionally detached, the marriage is damaged. You want to know what you can do to help her enjoy sex because you want to have a great marriage. If things continue as they are, you fear for the future of your relationship.

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Originally Posted by podiumboy View Post
The thing I keep coming back to is that, for now, I need to just accept her as she is and my marriage as it is. It's more than just "oh I wish my wife would give me a BJ, cause BJ's are awesome!". It's just a strong desire to have a mutually satisfactory sex life with my wife. It's just not possible right now.

I am 35 now, she's 31. I have made a decision that I'm going to wait until I turn 40, and revisit this situation.
You shouldn't put this off.

If you're going to stop "whining" about sex, you're probably going to initiate less. If you initiate less, you'll have less sex. There's no way that she's going to do anything to improve your sex live on her own. She's likely to just figure that you're over your "problem" and think everything's peachy.

In 5 years, barring a miracle, things will be worse, the marriage will be a mess and you'll have wasted 5 years.

When you want to leave her then, it's going to come as a rude shock to her. She had every reason to think things were fine. If she still loves you then, she's going to really, really wish you'd brought this up now.
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post #73 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 11:38 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

Op, I will make one more comment.
To anyone who has "experienced" duty sex from their spouse.....
It's not always "because they care".
Usually, it's more like...
Out of frustration. You know your partner isn't happy. You snap. Oh for X sake...do you just want me to spread my legs and lay here?
I'm just a piece of meat and you'll stick it in a hole?
And...
They actually DO it.
Over and over. And don't say a word about it for a long time.
They are getting what they want.
It's hugely deeply disrespectful. To some people.
Don't ever do it.
Go pay for a hooker. Because you just treated your spouse like one.
Once it's happened, how do you get past it? It's done. Can't be changed.



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post #74 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 12:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crocus View Post
Op, I will make one more comment.
To anyone who has "experienced" duty sex from their spouse.....
It's not always "because they care".
Usually, it's more like...
Out of frustration. You know your partner isn't happy. You snap. Oh for X sake...do you just want me to spread my legs and lay here?
I'm just a piece of meat and you'll stick it in a hole?
And...
They actually DO it.
Over and over. And don't say a word about it for a long time.
They are getting what they want.
It's hugely deeply disrespectful. To some people.
Don't ever do it.
Go pay for a hooker. Because you just treated your spouse like one.
Once it's happened, how do you get past it? It's done. Can't be changed.



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So, are you saying to accept duty sex is to disrespect the person offering it?

Isn't that accepting responsibility for another person's choices (the offer of duty sex)?
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post #75 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 12:27 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Quote:
Originally Posted by podiumboy View Post
The problem is, in this situation, she holds all the cards. What consequences does she really have by not making our sex life a priority? It's not bad enough for me to want to leave,
No she doesn't. She holds all the cards because you let her. Your marriage, right now, is a dictatorship and it won't get better it will get worse until you tell her what your needs are and it's not ok if they are not met.

It's not bad enough for you to want to leave now but it will be. What about if she decides to become a full fledged refuser in the next couple of years. It's not like ten years from now some is going to turn on a light somewhere and she will want sex again. That's not likely to come back. She will likely make you accept no sex unless you speak up and do something now. You have to tell her instead of all this BS about the marriage being great...THAT IT'S NOT. You have to tell her that the marriage is in serious jeopardy because you are not being fulfilled sexually by her and if something doesn't change the consequences will be divorce. That's the only way this gets resolved.

I made the same mistakes you are making. Ten years ago, we were barely sexually active...as you are now... and now we're not. I waited and chose to do nothing. I can't tell you how much I wish that I could go back to that time and say to her what I wrote above.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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