Duty sex only - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 12:38 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
So, are you saying to accept duty sex is to disrespect the person offering it?

Isn't that accepting responsibility for another person's choices (the offer of duty sex)?

I don't know if she meant it that way but it does belie a certain ignorance of another person's feelings. I think that's the point.

I think the real telling term is "duty" though. I distinguish sex from the physical act of making love. The OP is getting the former but craves the latter. I think he understands his wife's POV to an extent but unfortunately when it comes to sex we men think with two heads and cannot distinguish between them when they're both in "need."

For his wife's part she also needs to stop thinking of it along the lines of a chore. It's something that has to be built upon and the natural result of an emotional investment in each other. It also can't be forced on to another person when they feel they have other commitments. It becomes just another thing to put on the "Honey Do" list.
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post #77 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:28 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

I hate to say it, Podium, but you and wife should read the "Three Enigmas" book. The first two enigmas could be relevant to your situation.

Also, I have it on good authority that for some reason, the more women have satisfactory sex, the more they want it.
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post #78 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 05:28 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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So, are you saying to accept duty sex is to disrespect the person offering it?

Isn't that accepting responsibility for another person's choices (the offer of duty sex)?


Nope. Providing it is. And settling for it is as well


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post #79 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 05:40 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

The whole "point" to the Op entire story ...
It doesn't matter what men think. Or what I think. How does his wife feel?
Some men have a habit of thinking they know what someone should want. And decide they have satisfactorily met the requirements by what they have done. Therefore there should be no complaining, and they should get on to meeting their needs.
You don't GET to grade yourself. Only your partner decides if needs have been met.
Get it?
Your opinion or view has zero zilch nothing to do with it.
Complete lack of self awareness to "think" otherwise.
Your job isn't to judge what she needs. Its highly unattractive to be that way. Arrogant even.
Start with some humble pie. Stay out of her expectations and work on yourself. Be the man that is attractive to your spouse. Not judge Judy.




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post #80 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 09:33 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Do not ever have duty sex. Do not ever have quickies. Any more. Every again. If you start to have sex and you can see she isn't aroused and isn't interested, stop, get dressed and tell her many another time when she's into it. That's all. No more.

While it's not entirely her job to come to the table ready to be penetrated, it is her job to come to the table ready to be aroused.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

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post #81 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:56 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Do not ever have duty sex. Do not ever have quickies. Any more. Every again. If you start to have sex and you can see she isn't aroused and isn't interested, stop, get dressed and tell her many another time when she's into it. That's all. No more.

While it's not entirely her job to come to the table ready to be penetrated, it is her job to come to the table ready to be aroused.
I don't agree with never, but I do think that if that is the only kind of sex you both are having its not a good thing for the marriage.

If my husband could have heard the mind play going through my head most of the time we had duty (or pity sex), I am pretty sure he would have been horrified and would never have accepted pity sex again. I don't know what is going on in your wife's head, but I hope for your sake, and even more so for your wife's sake it is no where near what was in my head. It was not loving thoughts, that's for sure.

May I suggest you try an experiment. For the next month, don't initiate sex, but do initiate cuddling sessions. If you get aroused, which can't be helped, DON'T ACT on it in anyway, like rub up against her. Simply hold her and tell her she is beautiful and why you love her, etc. If she initiates sex, tell her you appreciate it, but you want what little intimate time you have to be enjoyable for the both of you. Then offer her a back rub or foot rub, or hot bath. If she chooses a hot bath, bathe her, wash her hair. Think non sexual sensual touch. Treat her like a queen during these intimate times. Stay with her, be with her emotionally and physically, just not sexually UNLESS you are SURE she is aroused and wants sex for herself not just for you. Then report back here after the month.

In the mean time, take care of yourself so you are not grouchy and horny. BUT NO PORN. Think of her to get off. And do work on your weight, for the both of you. That's always a good idea. Don't be needy, dont be a puppy dog looking for attention the rest of the time. Just enjoy being a man, a husband, a father, and her boyfriend for this month period and see what happens.
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post #82 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 11:13 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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I don't agree with never, but I do think that if that is the only kind of sex you both are having its not a good thing for the marriage.

If my husband could have heard the mind play going through my head most of the time we had duty (or pity sex), I am pretty sure he would have been horrified and would never have accepted pity sex again. I don't know what is going on in your wife's head, but I hope for your sake, and even more so for your wife's sake it is no where near what was in my head. It was not loving thoughts, that's for sure.
Nope, not loving at all.

I imagine no husband would be able to sustain an erection were he privy to the conversation happening in the his wife's head during duty sex, and even during quickies. Which is why I think they should never happen unless the sex life is otherwise fantastic to BOTH spouses hopes and expectations.

Quote:
May I suggest you try an experiment. For the next month, don't initiate sex, but do initiate cuddling sessions. If you get aroused, which can't be helped, DON'T ACT on it in anyway, like rub up against her. Simply hold her and tell her she is beautiful and why you love her, etc. If she initiates sex, tell her you appreciate it, but you want what little intimate time you have to be enjoyable for the both of you. Then offer her a back rub or foot rub, or hot bath. If she chooses a hot bath, bathe her, wash her hair. Think non sexual sensual touch. Treat her like a queen during these intimate times. Stay with her, be with her emotionally and physically, just not sexually UNLESS you are SURE she is aroused and wants sex for herself not just for you. Then report back here after the month.
LOVE the bath idea! And the massage, and the foot rub...


I wonder how she would respond to her getting an orgasm with no other sex? She's offering duty sex because she knows he wouldn't be happy if he wasn't getting any and she does want him to be happy. But years of duty and quickie only have got to build resentment, like "here is one more person I have to love and cuddle and ensure his need to ejaculate gets taken care off and my sexual needs are so buried they may never be found. And clearly they're not important to him because what the hell does he expect me to do with 5 minutes and half a migraine!"

It's amazing any marriage ever survives those years.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #83 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 11:32 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

I wouldn't try for the orgasm during this experiment, UNLESS she guided it there. Should that happen, take her there, but not you. AS HARD AS IT MAY BE, pun intended, keep this about helping her to enjoy intimate time with you again. But if you are sure she wants sex with you because she is aroused and is physically enjoying it - go for it.
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post #84 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:44 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by mary35 View Post
I wouldn't try for the orgasm during this experiment, UNLESS she guided it there. Should that happen, take her there, but not you. AS HARD AS IT MAY BE, pun intended, keep this about helping her to enjoy intimate time with you again. But if you are sure she wants sex with you because she is aroused and is physically enjoying it - go for it.


You're suggesting more or less a standard push pull strategy. Generally speaking, I agree with push pull theory as well and it has worked really well for me with my wife. Although I think that your particular example is too weighted toward pull without enough push. These techniques tend to work best when they are heavily weighted toward push. A hug instead of a cuddle or massage followed by enough disinterest to make her wonder if she still has you. No initiating. And as AP says no accepting duty sex at all. It's beneath you.


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post #85 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 07:21 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by mary35 View Post
May I suggest you try an experiment. For the next month, don't initiate sex, but do initiate cuddling sessions. If you get aroused, which can't be helped, DON'T ACT on it in anyway, like rub up against her. Simply hold her and tell her she is beautiful and why you love her, etc. If she initiates sex, tell her you appreciate it, but you want what little intimate time you have to be enjoyable for the both of you. Then offer her a back rub or foot rub, or hot bath. If she chooses a hot bath, bathe her, wash her hair. Think non sexual sensual touch. Treat her like a queen during these intimate times. Stay with her, be with her emotionally and physically, just not sexually UNLESS you are SURE she is aroused and wants sex for herself not just for you. Then report back here after the month.
Interesting suggestion, of course the OP would have had to have been castrated at 10 in order to pull it off.

Better off to just Take the long way home.
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post #86 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Nope, not loving at all.

I imagine no husband would be able to sustain an erection were he privy to the conversation happening in the his wife's head during duty sex, and even during quickies. Which is why I think they should never happen unless the sex life is otherwise fantastic to BOTH spouses hopes and expectations.



LOVE the bath idea! And the massage, and the foot rub...


I wonder how she would respond to her getting an orgasm with no other sex? She's offering duty sex because she knows he wouldn't be happy if he wasn't getting any and she does want him to be happy. But years of duty and quickie only have got to build resentment, like "here is one more person I have to love and cuddle and ensure his need to ejaculate gets taken care off and my sexual needs are so buried they may never be found. And clearly they're not important to him because what the hell does he expect me to do with 5 minutes and half a migraine!"

It's amazing any marriage ever survives those years.
You make it seem like I am some selfish prick who has certain expectations. To be perfectly honest, there are times where if I know duty sex is coming I will tell her we can put it off to another time. I don't enjoy duty sex anymore than she does, honestly. Sometimes if it's taking me too long to get off, and I know she's not really into it, I just fake it and pretend to cum so that we can get on with our lives... it's not gonna go anywhere. To be clear, I don't have any desire to rush through sex or foreplay, she is the one who rushes foreplay. I would gladly go down on her for as much time is needed... hell, I'd spend 15 minutes on each boob if it were acceptable to do so! The quickies were her idea, because when the kids were really little that was all we (she) had time for. We actually were pretty efficient for awhile, doggystyle used to be the quickest way for my wife to orgasm, and so just quickies in the doggystyle position became our norm. She claims to have orgasms about 50% of the time, she says she just doesn't like to moan and scream like a porn star (makes her self conscious), so I never know. I guess I'll have to take that with a truckload of salt.

Believe me, her satisfaction is more important to me than my own. I would do anything sexually she asked me to, happily. I'm not a selfish lover.
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post #87 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

Update: last night, at the advice of you people, I told her that I was not satisfied just getting duty sex. She got really pissed off and said "I thought that our sex life has been getting much better, and that we were working together to continue to make it better! But apparently nothing I do is going to be good enough, sexy enough or ****ty enough for you!" So basically, that backfired. Like I previously said, I don't think she thinks anything is wrong with our sex life at all. I understand this is a typical deflection tactic on her part, but I still feel like a jackass. And the next time we go to have sex, she'll probably be back to square one out of insecurity. Ugh...
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post #88 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:14 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

Podiumboy I have been where you are and heard the same response, don't get discouraged, it's only a minor setback. Keep working on your relationship with her.

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post #89 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:26 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

Her response is one of frustration. From her perspective she's probably giving all she has to give and she just heard it's not good enough.

I know that's not what you meant, but it is what she heard.

Have you tried telling her that you don't want to simply get off if it's not doing anything for her?

I think it's really important how you phrase things. Telling her you're not satisfied is going to be taken as her efforts aren't enough, and it's clouded by your porn use, which in her mind influences your expectations.

Which it likely does even if you know it's not real.

Otoh, telling her you feel creepy having sex she doesn't want or just wants to be done with will likely be received differently, imo.

Most of us women understand our loving husbands aren't rapists and don't like feeling like one. My hb couldn't keep an erection if he knew I didn't want to be there.

Ask her if there's anything you can do for mutually satisfying sex.

One more thing: don't fake. Ever. That's dishonest and has no place in a relationship. If I can't finish I tell my hb that it's not going to happen tonight, and he knows there are a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with him.

When he can't he tells me he can't, and I understand. We cuddle and kiss before going to sleep.

And working on me is right.....duty sex is beneath you. Do not accept it.

Don't cop an attitude, just calmly refuse it.

Last edited by lifeistooshort; 04-08-2017 at 08:34 AM.
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post #90 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:59 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
You're suggesting more or less a standard push pull strategy. Generally speaking, I agree with push pull theory as well and it has worked really well for me with my wife. Although I think that your particular example is too weighted toward pull without enough push. These techniques tend to work best when they are heavily weighted toward push. A hug instead of a cuddle or massage followed by enough disinterest to make her wonder if she still has you. No initiating. And as AP says no accepting duty sex at all. It's beneath you.


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Nope - for now just suggesting a pull to see what happens. Perhaps she has just gotten out of the habit of letting herself feel! If she has a reactive sex drive - some time during the month of being treated like a queen, she should respond.

I think she cares and she doesn't want to be the way she is - to not feel anything - but doesn't know how to fix herself. What I am suggesting is something along the lines of limited sensate focus exercises with her. http://melaniedavisphd.com/wp-conten...-Exercises.pdf Limited in that her husband is focused on her for the month and there is not so rigid of a progression, do A than B than C, etc. But the idea of her husband setting aside regular intimate sessions (without kids of course) and re-connecting with her emotionally, focusing on connecting with her through non-sexual touch to see if her desire is rekindled in any way is more of what I am thinking.

Just allow her to relax and enjoy feeling her husband and being with him again with no sexual pressure. The emphasis on FEEL. If she responds - then he can talk to her about why he did the experiment and then they can continue doing some of the same - only adding in more sexual contact. They both should be enjoying this time - and he can help her realize that their intimate time is NOT about just getting him off. It's about connecting both emotionally and physically. That's what he wants - and hopefully its what she wants too.

I still strongly suggest counseling. Their seems to be some major communication issues concerning sex and I suspect she may have some underlying hangups or faulty thinking patterns. However, I may be clouded by my own experience though!
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