Duty sex only - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #91 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Her response is one of frustration. From her perspective she's probably giving all she has to give and she just heard it's not good enough.

I know that's not what you meant, but it is what she heard.

Have you tried telling her that you don't want to simply get off if it's not doing anything for her?

I think it's really important how you phrase things. Telling her you're not satisfied is going to be taken as her efforts aren't enough, and it's clouded by your porn use, which in her mind influences your expectations.

Which it likely does even if you know it's not real.

Otoh, telling her you feel creepy having sex she doesn't want or just wants to be done with will likely be received differently, imo.

Most of us women understand our loving husbands aren't rapists and don't like feeling like one. My hb couldn't keep an erection if he knew I didn't want to be there.

Ask her if there's anything you can do for mutually satisfying sex.

One more thing: don't fake. Ever. That's dishonest and has no place in a relationship. If I can't finish I tell my hb that it's not going to happen tonight, and he knows there are a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with him.

When he can't he tells me he can't, and I understand. We cuddle and kiss before going to sleep.

And working on me is right.....duty sex is beneath you. Do not accept it.

Don't cop an attitude, just calmly refuse it.
One thing she said last night that she has never said before is that she actually is usually "satisfied" with our "duty sex". She said that she usually orgasms 50% of the time. She has never really been a vocal person during sex. She says just because she doesn't scream like a porn star doesn't mean she doesn't have an orgasm. She says her orgasms aren't usually explosive, even when she masturbates. This actually does line up with our pre-kids sex life. Before we were married, we both lived in apartments with roommates and thin walls, so our sex life was usually pretty quiet out of respect to the roommates.

Honestly, I think once this sexual aversion stuff started, I started doing online research and discovered that we've actually always had a pretty vanilla sex life compared to a lot of people. We tried anal a few times, it really wasn't for us. I'd be up for it if she ever wanted to try again, but it's not something I have a burning desire to do again. But I think I started thinking along the lines of "why doesn't my wife do this, why doesn't my wife do that, other wives do it" and that sent me spiraling.

When I think back, oral sex was never a huge part of our sex life anyway. My wife complained that I take too long to get off from a blowjob. She had only been with one other guy before me, and apparently a blowjob for him would only last a couple minutes. She was confused when it took me so long. The girl I dated right before my wife was always willing to put in the time to finish the BJ, and that girl was truly gifted in that department. My wife, on the other hand, just didn't seem to have a passion for it, but she was good at having sex, so we would just do that instead. Eventually, oral sex just kind of got skimmed over, and then it stopped. I think now my wife kind of views oral sex as something that young people do as a stepping stone to sex. I'm gonna try to work her back up to doing it again. As I've said before, I know I'm not bad at giving oral sex. My wife used to orgasm from it, as did other girls in the past. But I always got the impression my wife wasn't entirely comfortable with it. My wife is not very sexually experienced, otherwise. She had a boyfriend in college that she had sex with, but they were only 18, they were each other's first, they went to different colleges and probably didn't have that much sex, so most of her sex experience comes from me. I'm 4 years older than her. When we started dating she was 20 and I was 24. Not to brag, but I was much more experienced than her. I had sex with other girls that showed me all kinds of wild, crazy things. I think that initially attracted her to me, that I was this older, wiser, more experienced guy.

My wife comes from a very religious family. My wife is no longer spiritual herself, but I think a lot of the prudish values that were taught to her have kind of stuck. I went to the same high school she did, but I was 4 years older so I didn't know her in school. But the whole community kind of has a prudish vibe to it. Only the ****ty girls actually have sex, only the really bad kids smoke and drink, etc. My HS girlfriend was considered to be the school ***** because she had sex with not only me, but a couple other guys before me. I started dating my wife when she was 20, and I think she was in her rebelious stage, and thus was more into drinking, smoking and having sex. Now that she has kids, I feel she has become much similar to her mother (shudders), as far as having an overall G-rated outlook on life.

Last edited by podiumboy; 04-08-2017 at 09:15 AM.
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post #92 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:12 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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You make it seem like I am some selfish prick who has certain expectations. To be perfectly honest, there are times where if I know duty sex is coming I will tell her we can put it off to another time. I don't enjoy duty sex anymore than she does, honestly. Sometimes if it's taking me too long to get off, and I know she's not really into it, I just fake it and pretend to cum so that we can get on with our lives... it's not gonna go anywhere. To be clear, I don't have any desire to rush through sex or foreplay, she is the one who rushes foreplay. I would gladly go down on her for as much time is needed... hell, I'd spend 15 minutes on each boob if it were acceptable to do so! The quickies were her idea, because when the kids were really little that was all we (she) had time for. We actually were pretty efficient for awhile, doggystyle used to be the quickest way for my wife to orgasm, and so just quickies in the doggystyle position became our norm. She claims to have orgasms about 50% of the time, she says she just doesn't like to moan and scream like a porn star (makes her self conscious), so I never know. I guess I'll have to take that with a truckload of salt.

Believe me, her satisfaction is more important to me than my own. I would do anything sexually she asked me to, happily. I'm not a selfish lover.
You are misunderstanding what we are trying to say, I think. This is not about what you are doing or not doing. Its about what she has done and is doing to your marital sex life. She is the one that for some reason is not responding sexually and appears to have decided sex in your marriage is just about getting you off and keeping you happy. She is the one that won't even let you do anything to get her warmed up or aroused - and wont even talk about it. Of course you are not happy or satisfied. Who would be! There is a problem and the problem seems to be with your wife. And you are right - she is the one that will have to fix it.

But if you do nothing now and wait it out - hoping she will change later. Then in my opinion you are just contributing to the problem. Do you mind waiting over 20 years. My husband took your attitude and lucked out - I did change. Only it took me over 30 years - and by then we both started dealing with aging sexual issues. Your choice of course! Knowing what I know now - I strongly suggest you not wait it out! Life never calms down - there are always things that will take your attention and time away from focusing on your marital relationship. The two of you have to decide what your priorities are and then make them your real priority!!
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post #93 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:19 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Update: last night, at the advice of you people, I told her that I was not satisfied just getting duty sex. She got really pissed off and said "I thought that our sex life has been getting much better, and that we were working together to continue to make it better! But apparently nothing I do is going to be good enough, sexy enough or ****ty enough for you!" So basically, that backfired. Like I previously said, I don't think she thinks anything is wrong with our sex life at all. I understand this is a typical deflection tactic on her part, but I still feel like a jackass. And the next time we go to have sex, she'll probably be back to square one out of insecurity. Ugh...
Thus the importance of trying the experiment. In the experiment - you are not asking her to change, or telling her you are dissatisfied. You are showing her through action that this is not about getting off sexually - and its not about you wanting her to be a porn star. You are trying to show her through action that this really is about you wanting to connect more with her both physically and especially emotionally during these limited times you have together. Stop talking and try the experiment. What do you have to lose at this point!!

And please - find a counselor.
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post #94 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:35 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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One thing she said last night that she has never said before is that she actually is usually "satisfied" with our "duty sex". She said that she usually orgasms 50% of the time. She has never really been a vocal person during sex. She says just because she doesn't scream like a porn star doesn't mean she doesn't have an orgasm. She says her orgasms aren't usually explosive, even when she masturbates. This actually does line up with our pre-kids sex life. Before we were married, we both lived in apartments with roommates and thin walls, so our sex life was usually pretty quiet out of respect to the roommates.

Honestly, I think once this sexual aversion stuff started, I started doing online research and discovered that we've actually always had a pretty vanilla sex life compared to a lot of people. We tried anal a few times, it really wasn't for us. I'd be up for it if she ever wanted to try again, but it's not something I have a burning desire to do again. But I think I started thinking along the lines of "why doesn't my wife do this, why doesn't my wife do that, other wives do it" and that sent me spiraling.

When I think back, oral sex was never a huge part of our sex life anyway. My wife complained that I take too long to get off from a blowjob. She had only been with one other guy before me, and apparently a blowjob for him would only last a couple minutes. She was confused when it took me so long. The girl I dated right before my wife was always willing to put in the time to finish the BJ, and that girl was truly gifted in that department. My wife, on the other hand, just didn't seem to have a passion for it, but she was good at having sex, so we would just do that instead. Eventually, oral sex just kind of got skimmed over, and then it stopped. I think now my wife kind of views oral sex as something that young people do as a stepping stone to sex. I'm gonna try to work her back up to doing it again. As I've said before, I know I'm not bad at giving oral sex. My wife used to orgasm from it, as did other girls in the past. But I always got the impression my wife wasn't entirely comfortable with it. My wife is not very sexually experienced, otherwise. She had a boyfriend in college that she had sex with, but they were only 18, they were each other's first, they went to different colleges and probably didn't have that much sex, so most of her sex experience comes from me. I'm 4 years older than her. When we started dating she was 20 and I was 24. Not to brag, but I was much more experienced than her. I had sex with other girls that showed me all kinds of wild, crazy things. I think that initially attracted her to me, that I was this older, wiser, more experienced guy.

My wife comes from a very religious family. My wife is no longer spiritual herself, but I think a lot of the prudish values that were taught to her have kind of stuck. I went to the same high school she did, but I was 4 years older so I didn't know her in school. But the whole community kind of has a prudish vibe to it. Only the ****ty girls actually have sex, only the really bad kids smoke and drink, etc. My HS girlfriend was considered to be the school ***** because she had sex with not only me, but a couple other guys before me. I started dating my wife when she was 20, and I think she was in her rebelious stage, and thus was more into drinking, smoking and having sex. Now that she has kids, I feel she has become much similar to her mother (shudders), as far as having an overall G-rated outlook on life.
Its totally possible that you have been misreading her. Wont be the first time a spouse misreads the situation.

Does your wife orgasm through PIV only? If she does, I suppose its possible that she orgasms some of the time, but if all you are doing is quickie PIV - I seriously doubt she is having them 50% of the time. She may very well be satisfied with your sex life as is. In fact I think she probably is - since she controls it!!!

I am also guessing she does have some sexual hangups because of her upbringing. The fact that she wont talk about it is a good indication that may be the case.

I get her frustration, but her blowing up about you raising the issue should not make you feel bad. You have every right to try to discuss something that is bothering you. Since you know its a deflective action - call her on it. Stick up for yourself.
If either of you have a problem in the marriage - you should be able to raise the issue without getting shot down. The shooting down is a problem in and of itself.
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post #95 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Its totally possible that you have been misreading her. Wont be the first time a spouse misreads the situation.

Does your wife orgasm through PIV only? If she does, I suppose its possible that she orgasms some of the time, but if all you are doing is quickie PIV - I seriously doubt she is having them 50% of the time. She may very well be satisfied with your sex life as is. In fact I think she probably is - since she controls it!!!

I am also guessing she does have some sexual hangups because of her upbringing. The fact that she wont talk about it is a good indication that may be the case.

I get her frustration, but her blowing up about you raising the issue should not make you feel bad. You have every right to try to discuss something that is bothering you. Since you know its a deflective action - call her on it. Stick up for yourself.
If either of you have a problem in the marriage - you should be able to raise the issue without getting shot down. The shooting down is a problem in and of itself.
We don't just have quickies any more. Sometimes we have sex for so long that I get insecure about the fact that I'm taking too long, am afraid it's not going anywhere since she doesn't give me much feedback, and I fake an orgasm (I think I said this a few posts back). As Our kids are older and more independent, and there's more time and opportunity. She's actually gotten to the point where we'll do 2 positions during sex! (I know that sounds funny, but it's actually an improvement from when I would just bend her over and pound away until I was done, per her request). I guess now that I think about it, she has been trying harder. The foreplay hasn't gotten any better, but the actual sex has. There are really no positions that are off limits. Maybe she really is trying to work back up to it, and I destroyed her confidence.
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post #96 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

I think this is pretty common and it sucks for everyone. It seems like a lot of women have emotional conflicts with being that girl you dated and also being mommy. I'm not blaming her because we all have a hard time separating issues and so many things have changed for both of you now that you have kids. Throw in other psychological issues like our innate ability to put things in boxes and categories and to think in terms of black and white, our upbringing that says sex is taboo, her imagining what your kids will think when they know mommy has sex with daddy, etc.

So there are a lot of reasons behind this sort of thing In my opinion but reasons for something won't make it any less destructive to the relationship. Honestly from what you've posted it doesn't sound like there's a bad guy here; you're trying and it sounds like she is as well. Again not having a bad guy will not it the dynamic any less destructive to the relationship.

You can try date nights and hope for the best but at this point you guys are stuck and it may take something extreme to snap out of the rut. In the meantime your relationship is in a such vulnerable place right now. She wants to feel desire and you want to be desired. Maybe something as extreme as separating for a short time and actually dating ( each other only ) would help her desire return. Sometimes taking steps to fix a relationship seems mean, unfair, or counterproductive at first but is what it takes. I don't know if would be strong enough to following my own advice though. It's so hard when you're living it.

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post #97 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:17 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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One thing she said last night that she has never said before is that she actually is usually "satisfied" with our "duty sex". She said that she usually orgasms 50% of the time. She has never really been a vocal person during sex. She says just because she doesn't scream like a porn star doesn't mean she doesn't have an orgasm. She says her orgasms aren't usually explosive, even when she masturbates. This actually does line up with our pre-kids sex life. Before we were married, we both lived in apartments with roommates and thin walls, so our sex life was usually pretty quiet out of respect to the roommates.

Honestly, I think once this sexual aversion stuff started, I started doing online research and discovered that we've actually always had a pretty vanilla sex life compared to a lot of people. We tried anal a few times, it really wasn't for us. I'd be up for it if she ever wanted to try again, but it's not something I have a burning desire to do again. But I think I started thinking along the lines of "why doesn't my wife do this, why doesn't my wife do that, other wives do it" and that sent me spiraling.

When I think back, oral sex was never a huge part of our sex life anyway. My wife complained that I take too long to get off from a blowjob. She had only been with one other guy before me, and apparently a blowjob for him would only last a couple minutes. She was confused when it took me so long. The girl I dated right before my wife was always willing to put in the time to finish the BJ, and that girl was truly gifted in that department. My wife, on the other hand, just didn't seem to have a passion for it, but she was good at having sex, so we would just do that instead. Eventually, oral sex just kind of got skimmed over, and then it stopped. I think now my wife kind of views oral sex as something that young people do as a stepping stone to sex. I'm gonna try to work her back up to doing it again. As I've said before, I know I'm not bad at giving oral sex. My wife used to orgasm from it, as did other girls in the past. But I always got the impression my wife wasn't entirely comfortable with it. My wife is not very sexually experienced, otherwise. She had a boyfriend in college that she had sex with, but they were only 18, they were each other's first, they went to different colleges and probably didn't have that much sex, so most of her sex experience comes from me. I'm 4 years older than her. When we started dating she was 20 and I was 24. Not to brag, but I was much more experienced than her. I had sex with other girls that showed me all kinds of wild, crazy things. I think that initially attracted her to me, that I was this older, wiser, more experienced guy.

My wife comes from a very religious family. My wife is no longer spiritual herself, but I think a lot of the prudish values that were taught to her have kind of stuck. I went to the same high school she did, but I was 4 years older so I didn't know her in school. But the whole community kind of has a prudish vibe to it. Only the ****ty girls actually have sex, only the really bad kids smoke and drink, etc. My HS girlfriend was considered to be the school ***** because she had sex with not only me, but a couple other guys before me. I started dating my wife when she was 20, and I think she was in her rebelious stage, and thus was more into drinking, smoking and having sex. Now that she has kids, I feel she has become much similar to her mother (shudders), as far as having an overall G-rated outlook on life.

Tell her that you certainly don't want to misread her so maybe she could let you know when she likes something.

I'm not that loud either but I'll tell my hb when something feels good.

Have you ever brought up women before her? That's a huge no no.
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post #98 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:00 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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I hate to say it, Podium, but you and wife should read the "Three Enigmas" book. The first two enigmas could be relevant to your situation.

Also, I have it on good authority that for some reason, the more women have satisfactory sex, the more they want it.
Yes! If sex is rubbish we lose interest and cant be bothered. When sex is good we want it more.

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post #99 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:06 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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We don't just have quickies any more. Sometimes we have sex for so long that I get insecure about the fact that I'm taking too long, am afraid it's not going anywhere since she doesn't give me much feedback, and I fake an orgasm (I think I said this a few posts back). As Our kids are older and more independent, and there's more time and opportunity. She's actually gotten to the point where we'll do 2 positions during sex! (I know that sounds funny, but it's actually an improvement from when I would just bend her over and pound away until I was done, per her request). I guess now that I think about it, she has been trying harder. The foreplay hasn't gotten any better, but the actual sex has. There are really no positions that are off limits. Maybe she really is trying to work back up to it, and I destroyed her confidence.
Hmmm, you're confusing me so it might be possible your wife is getting mixed messages too.

You talked about duty sex, you posted just above that you told her you weren't satisfied with just duty sex and she got angry stating she thought the sex was getting better. But then this post I quoted, indicates the sex is totally better and if this is what's been happening lately, yet you brought up duty sex recently. Then hell yes she feels like your expectations are porn induced idiocy and she will never measure up.

Duuuuuuuuudde, you gotta know when to say "I love you because you are sexyawesome!" and when to say "I love you but maybe we could work some more on...."

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post #100 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Tell her that you certainly don't want to misread her so maybe she could let you know when she likes something.

I'm not that loud either but I'll tell my hb when something feels good.

Have you ever brought up women before her? That's a huge no no.
We've been together for 11 years, so she knows who my ex girlfriends were, and that I had sex with them. Just like I know that she had sex with her college boyfriend before me. I may have left out a few girls that were barely a blip on the radar (a one night stand, and a couple college flings), but it's unlikely to ever come up. I haven't been in contact with those women in over a decade, and they don't associate with anybody we know. But I certainly don't share details about the sex with other women.

-**** no, man... I believe you'd get your ass kicked saying something like that! (Office Space)

The only reason I know that her ex boyfriend didn't take long to finish orally is because during a BJ early in our relationship, she seemed genuinely dumbfounded that after 5 minutes I hadn't busted yet. I said it usually takes awhile, and she said "sorry, my ex was usually done after a couple minutes, that's what I'm used to."
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post #101 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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We don't just have quickies any more. Sometimes we have sex for so long that I get insecure about the fact that I'm taking too long, am afraid it's not going anywhere since she doesn't give me much feedback, and I fake an orgasm (I think I said this a few posts back). As Our kids are older and more independent, and there's more time and opportunity. She's actually gotten to the point where we'll do 2 positions during sex! (I know that sounds funny, but it's actually an improvement from when I would just bend her over and pound away until I was done, per her request). I guess now that I think about it, she has been trying harder. The foreplay hasn't gotten any better, but the actual sex has. There are really no positions that are off limits. Maybe she really is trying to work back up to it, and I destroyed her confidence.
OK... And you started this thread why??? Like AnonPink, I am a bit confused too!

If you hurt her confidence then you better start building it back up! Tell her that you brought up the subject the other night - not because you don't like what is happening during sex - but because you were concerned that she hasn't been enjoying it and THAT bothered you. Tell her that you get as much and sometimes even more enjoyment from giving her pleasure then from your pleasure.

Do NOT apologize to her for broaching the subject. In fact it would be a good time to tell her that you feel both of you should be able to broach any subject that is an issue with your marriage so that together you can try to work out a resolution that both of you are happy with! Tell her you would like a little feed back from her when you have sex - because it is VERY important to you to know that she is enjoying it too. That you would like a little more cuddling and pillow talk after so that you can enjoy the emotional connection too!

And for the record - many women can thoroughly enjoy sex without having an orgasm. Sometimes just being close and emotionally connected is just as good as an orgasm and is all we want. And other times - what we really want is a mind blowing ending!
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post #102 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 03:32 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

wish I knew when she wants one and when she wants the other.

You could make a ton of money if you a way to let us know when one if preferred over the other.
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post #103 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 03:43 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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We've been together for 11 years, so she knows who my ex girlfriends were, and that I had sex with them. Just like I know that she had sex with her college boyfriend before me. I may have left out a few girls that were barely a blip on the radar (a one night stand, and a couple college flings), but it's unlikely to ever come up. I haven't been in contact with those women in over a decade, and they don't associate with anybody we know. But I certainly don't share details about the sex with other women.

-**** no, man... I believe you'd get your ass kicked saying something like that! (Office Space)

The only reason I know that her ex boyfriend didn't take long to finish orally is because during a BJ early in our relationship, she seemed genuinely dumbfounded that after 5 minutes I hadn't busted yet. I said it usually takes awhile, and she said "sorry, my ex was usually done after a couple minutes, that's what I'm used to."

Umm.....yeah.....i appreciate the office space reference!

I had to ask about bringing up exes because I know personally what a turn off it is when your hb says things like "I dated this one girl and her boobs blah blah blah", or right after great sex you hear all about how many women he's been with.

For the record my hb is much better about that now but I still remember it. Made me feel like ms right now and not particularly special.....not a turn on.

And since you'd mentioned other women I had to ask.

It's fine to know who the exes are and even to share some things as they're relevant to the topic at hand.

Definitely acknowledge her efforts and as others have suggested approach this from the angle of wanting something mutually satisfying.
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post #104 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 02:08 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Update: last night, at the advice of you people, I told her that I was not satisfied just getting duty sex. .
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I think it's really important how you phrase things. Telling her you're not satisfied is going to be taken as her efforts aren't enough, and it's clouded by your porn use, which in her mind influences your expectations.

Which it likely does even if you know it's not real.

Otoh, telling her you feel creepy having sex she doesn't want or just wants to be done with will likely be received differently, imo.
pb, which of life's two meanings did you convey to your wife?

There's a VERY big difference
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post #105 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 02:18 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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She has not offered, and I just can't seem to find the words to bring it up. How can I say it in a way that isn't "I know you work part-time, go to college full time, and raise 2 kids, but could you also please put my **** in your mouth?"

I take her out on dates, maybe once a month, but overnight babysitters are hard to come by. She's so worn out, and if we have an overnight babysitter, I know she'd rather get a full night's sleep than stay up having sex with me all night.
Then what are you doing to make her not so worn out? She's in school full time, studying probably 3 hours for every hour she attends, working part time, and cooking/cleaning/child-caring/doctor visiting/God knows what else. When does she get to turn off?

Most likely, never. Women don't turn off unless the man steps up and forces them to. 'Here, honey, here's a gift card for the spa; I've got the kids, here's $50 for a nice restaurant, call your friends and go out.' How often does this happen?

When I was raising DD26, every year for my birthday, I asked for one thing: for him to take our kid and go away somewhere for the weekend. So I could just LIVE in my own home without having to be 'on' for everyone else - worrying about chores and school pleasing hubby and handling appointments and everything else. I was mentally exhausted. All I wanted was to wake up when I felt like it with nobody around; sit around the house and read a book if I felt like it instead of feeling guilty for not playing with the kid or doing what the husband wanted; go out to eat by myself or with a friend if I feel like it; go to a movie if I wanted.

I can practically guarantee she is emotionally and physically overwhelmed and exhausted and no amount of a once-a-week date, let alone a once-a-month date, is going to make a dent in that. And do some work and FIND a regular babysitter; pay her more than other people so she stays dedicated to you guys every week; make it worth her while. You don't even have to go out when she comes over; just let her herd the kids while you two go have a picnic or a bath or something. Remember, women want the little things, the relationship things, in order to want sex.

Last edited by turnera; 04-09-2017 at 02:23 PM.
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