Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Her response is one of frustration. From her perspective she's probably giving all she has to give and she just heard it's not good enough.
I know that's not what you meant, but it is what she heard.
Have you tried telling her that you don't want to simply get off if it's not doing anything for her?
I think it's really important how you phrase things. Telling her you're not satisfied is going to be taken as her efforts aren't enough, and it's clouded by your porn use, which in her mind influences your expectations.
Which it likely does even if you know it's not real.
Otoh, telling her you feel creepy having sex she doesn't want or just wants to be done with will likely be received differently, imo.
Most of us women understand our loving husbands aren't rapists and don't like feeling like one. My hb couldn't keep an erection if he knew I didn't want to be there.
Ask her if there's anything you can do for mutually satisfying sex.
One more thing: don't fake. Ever. That's dishonest and has no place in a relationship. If I can't finish I tell my hb that it's not going to happen tonight, and he knows there are a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with him.
When he can't he tells me he can't, and I understand. We cuddle and kiss before going to sleep.
And working on me is right.....duty sex is beneath you. Do not accept it.
Don't cop an attitude, just calmly refuse it.
One thing she said last night that she has never said before is that she actually is usually "satisfied" with our "duty sex". She said that she usually orgasms 50% of the time. She has never really been a vocal person during sex. She says just because she doesn't scream like a porn star doesn't mean she doesn't have an orgasm. She says her orgasms aren't usually explosive, even when she masturbates. This actually does line up with our pre-kids sex life. Before we were married, we both lived in apartments with roommates and thin walls, so our sex life was usually pretty quiet out of respect to the roommates.
Honestly, I think once this sexual aversion stuff started, I started doing online research and discovered that we've actually always had a pretty vanilla sex life compared to a lot of people. We tried anal a few times, it really wasn't for us. I'd be up for it if she ever wanted to try again, but it's not something I have a burning desire to do again. But I think I started thinking along the lines of "why doesn't my wife do this, why doesn't my wife do that, other wives do it" and that sent me spiraling.
When I think back, oral sex was never a huge part of our sex life anyway. My wife complained that I take too long to get off from a blowjob. She had only been with one other guy before me, and apparently a blowjob for him would only last a couple minutes. She was confused when it took me so long. The girl I dated right before my wife was always willing to put in the time to finish the BJ, and that girl was truly gifted in that department. My wife, on the other hand, just didn't seem to have a passion for it, but she was good at having sex, so we would just do that instead. Eventually, oral sex just kind of got skimmed over, and then it stopped. I think now my wife kind of views oral sex as something that young people do as a stepping stone to sex. I'm gonna try to work her back up to doing it again. As I've said before, I know I'm not bad at giving oral sex. My wife used to orgasm from it, as did other girls in the past. But I always got the impression my wife wasn't entirely comfortable with it. My wife is not very sexually experienced, otherwise. She had a boyfriend in college that she had sex with, but they were only 18, they were each other's first, they went to different colleges and probably didn't have that much sex, so most of her sex experience comes from me. I'm 4 years older than her. When we started dating she was 20 and I was 24. Not to brag, but I was much more experienced than her. I had sex with other girls that showed me all kinds of wild, crazy things. I think that initially attracted her to me, that I was this older, wiser, more experienced guy.
My wife comes from a very religious family. My wife is no longer spiritual herself, but I think a lot of the prudish values that were taught to her have kind of stuck. I went to the same high school she did, but I was 4 years older so I didn't know her in school. But the whole community kind of has a prudish vibe to it. Only the ****ty girls actually have sex, only the really bad kids smoke and drink, etc. My HS girlfriend was considered to be the school ***** because she had sex with not only me, but a couple other guys before me. I started dating my wife when she was 20, and I think she was in her rebelious stage, and thus was more into drinking, smoking and having sex. Now that she has kids, I feel she has become much similar to her mother (shudders), as far as having an overall G-rated outlook on life.