Duty sex only - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #106 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 02:21 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by mary35 View Post
OK... And you started this thread why??? Like AnonPink, I am a bit confused too!

If you hurt her confidence then you better start building it back up! Tell her that you brought up the subject the other night - not because you don't like what is happening during sex - but because you were concerned that she hasn't been enjoying it and THAT bothered you.
This.
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post #107 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 02:25 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Do you mind waiting over 20 years. My husband took your attitude and lucked out - I did change. Only it took me over 30 years - and by then we both started dealing with aging sexual issues. Your choice of course! Knowing what I know now - I strongly suggest you not wait it out!
This states my primary purpose for being on TAM and giving advice.

My wife and I so regret the over 20 years we spent not knowing what we know now.

And then you're old and it's almost too late.
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post #108 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 12:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

I appreciate all of this advice, and a lot of it I am really going to take to heart moving forward.

In my moments of weakness, I can understand why somebody WOULD have an affair, and that actually SCARES me. I've never seriously considering doing so, there are so many reasons not to. I love my wife, love my kids, love our life together as a family. My wife is currently financially dependent on me, and if we were to get divorced, I fear what kind of living situation my kids would have. Plus, I would absolutely get taken to the cleaners, financially. I can't imagine a life of mediocre duty sex, but I also can't imagine that my wife will ever get her sex drive back. I mean, to just totally lose it by the age of 30... I don't know.

IMO, the only things that will re-ignite her sex drive are if she has some kind of natural hormonal shift, or if she has an affair and that guy pushes all the right buttons... which would just be devastating. I truly don't believe she can be turned on by me at all, no matter what I do. Maybe her sex drive is fine, she just finds me repulsive? I don't believe that, because she seems to have a G-rated attitude towards life, and seems to find sex as a taboo subject in general. Her puritan upbringing seems to have kicked in again, after a "rebellious" period in her late teens - mid 20's, when she became a mother. She met me when she was 19, started dating and having sex with me when she was 20, married me at 22, and had our first baby at 25. Was our relationship just part of a rebellious phase she was in? While I was never a BAD BOY, I was wild as an Indian in my early-mid 20s.

It's bad, but occasionally I've thought about prostitutes recently. Not in a serious way, just hypothecially. I sometimes think about how nice it would be to experience a blowjob again, and that it's actually quite doable if I were to spend a relatively small amount of money. But that's a ridiculous notion, and I dismiss it quickly. I'm a worst case scenario thinker, and I could never put myself or my wife at risk for STDs. I also could never have an affair, that's just so dishonest and disrespectful, and would require WAY too much work. I wouldn't want to be treated that way, and I would never treat her that way.

I think I'm just having a bad day, and am sexually frustrated. I read threads of couples much older than us having sex almost daily, and it just grates on me. I'm happy for those folks, don't get me wrong. Some days I've accepted things as they are, and then days like today I feel almost like I'm being suffocated. Masturbation doesn't seem to stave off my desire for intimacy for more than a few minutes. Sometimes watching porn just makes me jealous instead of horny. Sorry, rant over... just having a frustrating day!!
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post #109 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 01:27 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Get a divorce. Get a divorce while you are still young enough to have sex with some other woman. The sooner you divorce, the less you will pay your wife for your freedom.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #110 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Get a divorce. Get a divorce while you are still young enough to have sex with some other woman. The sooner you divorce, the less you will pay your wife for your freedom.
Well, I'd honestly rather not get divorced. I love my wife very much. I just wish we could have a happy, mutually enjoyable sex life.

I work my butt off to provide for my family, and I'm happy to do it. Nothing feels like a sacrifice if it helps put a roof over my family's head and food on the table. I seriously try to put the effort into my marriage. I know I'm not perfect, but I truly do my best to make sure my wife's needs are met, and try to lighten her load as much as possible. I listen to her, I help her out, I take her out on date nights maybe once a month (usually where she wants to go), and try to be an overall good husband... and I get emotionless duty sex on average once a week.

Meanwhile, her sister's husband is an overall piece of ****. I could go on and on, but it's not really on topic. Hasn't worked in 6 months (mostly by choice), bad temper, self centered, alcoholic, verbally abusive, yada yada yada. The guy is the absolute worst, and yet they still have sex almost every night, and they cover all the bases (her words to me, while she was drunk). Hell, I've read stories on here about men who cheat on their wives for months or years, and after their wife finds out... she ****s the living hell out of the cheating SOB!!! Porn star sex on a daily basis!! It just doesn't seem fair to me.

Sorry, I'm having a self-loathing kind of day.
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post #111 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:18 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Here's a hint from the dark side.

It won't get better when she is done with school. She'll get a job, and corporate pressure is school x 10.

Both me and wifey had young children while in grad school, worked part time, and completed our degrees. It's not the Gulag.

If she has no passion now she won't find it later.
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post #112 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:19 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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I sometimes think about how nice it would be to experience a blowjob again,
If you wife loves you, values the marriage and has given you blowjobs before (which I believe you said she has), then it is very possible that you could be getting regular blowjobs from her (just to focus on this one issue for the moment).

But this would require playing your cards right and I don't see any evidence from what you've posted here that you're willing or capable of doing that.
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post #113 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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If you wife loves you, values the marriage and has given you blowjobs before (which I believe you said she has), then it is very possible that you could be getting regular blowjobs from her (just to focus on this one issue for the moment).

But this would require playing your cards right and I don't see any evidence from what you've posted here that you're willing or capable of doing that.
How am I not willing or capable to play my cards right? I'm basically willing to do anything I can to help her get her sex drive back.

And yes, prior to the kids, BJs were a regular part of foreplay. Tapered off steadily after kids were born, until they just stopped a few years ago.
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post #114 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 06:26 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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How am I not willing or capable to play my cards right? I'm basically willing to do anything I can to help her get her sex drive back.,,,,.
Have you figured out what makes your wife feel really loved and cherished? Yes, I am sure you are doing a lot for your wife, but are you making her feel loved and cherished in her love languages?

When I was in a sex starved marriage (you are not in an SSM) I worked hard to provide for my wife and family. That meant long hours at work and doing things on the weekends. Being a good provider nearly killed my marriage.

My wife's love languages (Chapmans book the 5 LL) where acts of service and quality time. While I washed dishes, did all of the laundry she would allow me to wash, vacuumed, picked up papers around the house, did the recycling, etc. my wife viewed none of that as an act of service, that was simply doing my share of the chores. Date nights didn't count as quality time.

Nothing I did counted until one weekend morning I woke up early and went downstairs to make myself some coffee. After it was made, i decided I wanted to drink it in bed, so I brought a second cup up for my wife. She thought it was nice that I brought her coffee in bed. We woke up slowly drinking coffee, I started to talk to her and all of a sudden she was getting the quality time I had not been giving her along with my providing an act of service (from her perspective).

The hard lesson I had to learn by trial and error was what my wife viewed as acts of service and quality time. I could do date nights, but to her that wasn't quality time. I could talk with her, find out what her problems at work were and make suggestions on things to try differently or ways to approach a problem, but that wasn't quality time to her.

I am sure you are "....willing to do anything I can to help her get her sex drive back...." But she is the only one who can reboot her sex drive. In my opinion the cards you need to play are to make her start to feel loved and cherished again so the flame of passion can be brought to life from what embers of love still remain.

You are looking for passion and that is something that your wife will need to discover.

I would say that your cards are to make her feel loved in her love languages. You need to figure out ways to make it possible for her to feel passionate (get the kids out of the bed at night, change your pushing her for sex, do the Glover or MW Davis Get a Life thing) and then reinforce any positive changes in her "passion level."

Good luck.
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post #115 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 07:52 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Like I told you in an earlier post, you need to work on becoming more attractive. I highly recommend that you read Athol Kay's primer " Married Man Sex Life." It's an easy read to guide you on becoming a better man, husband, and father to better attract your wife.

Complaining and becoming bitter will not attract your wife. What your situation calls for is "DREAD." Not to sound vulgar but nothing ups a woman's attraction for her man, than seeing that her man has options.

How do you convey to your wife that you have options? Get in shape? You mentioned being over weight. You have got to know that ain't gonna help. I always recommend that men not just get their buts in the gym. I'm also a strong advocate that men get involved in a martial art or some other very physical sport. You're not too old to find your inner warrior.

Also start to reconnect with some like minded men. Marriage and fatherhood softens us men. We lose ourselves to our jobs, marriage, and families. All worthwhile but you also shouldn't lose yourself. You need to rediscover the man that she fell in love with.
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post #116 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:12 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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I appreciate all of this advice, and a lot of it I am really going to take to heart moving forward.

IMO, the only things that will re-ignite her sex drive are if she has some kind of natural hormonal shift, or if she has an affair and that guy pushes all the right buttons... which would just be devastating. I truly don't believe she can be turned on by me at all, no matter what I do.
Then you aren't really listening to the advice. Are you even willing to TRY to change your own actions? Or do you just want her to magically turn into a sex kitten without you doing anything?
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post #117 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Like I told you in an earlier post, you need to work on becoming more attractive. I highly recommend that you read Athol Kay's primer " Married Man Sex Life." It's an easy read to guide you on becoming a better man, husband, and father to better attract your wife.

Complaining and becoming bitter will not attract your wife. What your situation calls for is "DREAD." Not to sound vulgar but nothing ups a woman's attraction for her man, than seeing that her man has options.

How do you convey to your wife that you have options? Get in shape? You mentioned being over weight. You have got to know that ain't gonna help. I always recommend that men not just get their buts in the gym. I'm also a strong advocate that men get involved in a martial art or some other very physical sport. You're not too old to find your inner warrior.

Also start to reconnect with some like minded men. Marriage and fatherhood softens us men. We lose ourselves to our jobs, marriage, and families. All worthwhile but you also shouldn't lose yourself. You need to rediscover the man that she fell in love with.
You make some very good points. I also think that getting in shape would do wonders for her attraction toward me. I also agree about the "having options" point. Back when we were dating/engaged I had other women that were attracted to me. I was sometimes flirty, but never inappropriate. I definitely do believe that was a turn on for my wife, just knowing that other women wanted what she had. Not to toot my own horn, but for a few years prior to dating her, I was somewhat of a womanizer. I had been single and looking to mingle for 3 years, and she was finally the one who made me want to settle down and get into a relationship. It took me awhile to figure out that being in a relationship meant not flirting with other girls, etc. We had some epic fights, and some epic sex also, lol. Now, that's not really an issue. Not only am I overweight and not exactly turning any heads, but I just don't know any other women. I work in the agriculture field, a field that employs more than 95% men. In my day to day life, I am literally never in the presence of another woman that is roughly my own age. This doesn't bother me at all, I don't wish to seek the companionship of other women, but yeah, there are no other "options".

I definitely see your point about finding like-minded men. I have so few friends that are in the same situation as me. Most of my married friends are FLAT OUT MISERABLE, and aren't "allowed" to have social lives anyway. Then I have a couple friends who are freshly divorced, and let me tell you, these guys are real prizes! They have this new found "joy", and brag constantly about how great their lives are now that they're divorced, but it all seems so empty to me. I mentioned the guy who trolls Tinder looking for girls to bang, and that's all he cares about. His wife cheated on him, so he has compensated by banging as many girls as he can. Hanging out with him brings me down. Then I have a few other friends who are mid 30s, never married, never will marry, and have a series of toys and distractions. Monday bowling, Tuesday golfing, Wednesday motorcycle club, Thursday poker night, Friday meet at whatever paid club old men go to, Saturday college football, Sunday pro football, etc, etc, etc.
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post #118 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Then you aren't really listening to the advice. Are you even willing to TRY to change your own actions? Or do you just want her to magically turn into a sex kitten without you doing anything?
I am definitely trying to change myself. It's easier said than done, but I know that it's the only way.
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post #119 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:23 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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I am definitely trying to change myself. It's easier said than done, but I know that it's the only way.
So have you sat down and divided the chores 50/50? Have you taken the kids and gone somewhere with them so she could have time alone? Have you advertised locally for a permanent weekly babysitter?

As for friends, you need to find a group of guys who do something you like to do: baseball, football, darts, whatever. Join that group and hang out with them at least once a month. Let her see you having a life outside of her. (while you're also doing all the other stuff I said, lol)
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post #120 of 291 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:29 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Then you aren't really listening to the advice. Are you even willing to TRY to change your own actions? Or do you just want her to magically turn into a sex kitten without you doing anything?
Decision Analysis guy suggests you look into the most basic of human thinking ways... Cost / benefit analysis.

You could spend hours training or thousands in new clothes and such. Good for you. Months doing more housework. But you have to assess the "return" value.

I don't want to bore you with probability models. Let's just say it could well be the case you'll put in 95% effort and get back 5% return. Especially if you don't know what you're dealing with.

As much as she has on her plate, suggest professional intervention for both of you. If she's young she may not know how to handle everything. We were in grad school in our mid late 30s and not to brag or anything but we were light-years better academically than our 20something classmates. So I'll give her the benefit of the doubt a bit.

You have to help too. My field of study was easier than hers so I kept the kids out of her hair, while studying and watching our college team do decently well in NCAA basketball back then. Heck, we had a baby in the middle of the semester. Wasn't easy but it was doable.

If she's a passion zombie now she won't turn into Miss Passion in a few years. To the contrary...
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