Duty sex only - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #121 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:59 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

A couple of points:

1. Just to reinforce what some other poster have mentioned. Get the kids out of the bedroom. What it
amounts to is literally building a human wall between the two of you.

2. It appears your wife is suffering from the "mommy syndrome". You mentioned sex being fantastic while
dating, during the honeymoon, up to having kids. Some women, after having kids, believe mommies
don't do those things anymore. As you know sex now translates to "wham bam thank you ma'am" and
that's all she wrote.
To paraphrase what John117 wrote. Your wife is not a bottle of wine, she won't get better with age.
Time to act is now, to make appointments with MC and a sex therapist.

She is turning the faucet off. What was once a good deluge, is now a trickle.
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post #122 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:15 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Update: last night, at the advice of you people, I told her that I was not satisfied just getting duty sex. She got really pissed off and said "I thought that our sex life has been getting much better, and that we were working together to continue to make it better! But apparently nothing I do is going to be good enough, sexy enough or ****ty enough for you!" So basically, that backfired. Like I previously said, I don't think she thinks anything is wrong with our sex life at all. I understand this is a typical deflection tactic on her part, but I still feel like a jackass. And the next time we go to have sex, she'll probably be back to square one out of insecurity. Ugh...
D@mn...

I don't know what to think now. Hopefully she doesn't take this as a rejection.

You DO need to get those kids out of the bed and have dedicated couples time though. I wouldn't push for sex so much as passion, really. I think that that's what you may be craving but you just equate passion with porn sex.
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post #123 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:46 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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You make it seem like I am some selfish prick who has certain expectations. To be perfectly honest, there are times where if I know duty sex is coming I will tell her we can put it off to another time. I don't enjoy duty sex anymore than she does, honestly. Sometimes if it's taking me too long to get off, and I know she's not really into it, I just fake it and pretend to cum so that we can get on with our lives... it's not gonna go anywhere. To be clear, I don't have any desire to rush through sex or foreplay, she is the one who rushes foreplay. I would gladly go down on her for as much time is needed... hell, I'd spend 15 minutes on each boob if it were acceptable to do so! The quickies were her idea, because when the kids were really little that was all we (she) had time for. We actually were pretty efficient for awhile, doggystyle used to be the quickest way for my wife to orgasm, and so just quickies in the doggystyle position became our norm. She claims to have orgasms about 50% of the time, she says she just doesn't like to moan and scream like a porn star (makes her self conscious), so I never know. I guess I'll have to take that with a truckload of salt.

Believe me, her satisfaction is more important to me than my own. I would do anything sexually she asked me to, happily. I'm not a selfish lover.
Your wife is busy with the kids and on top of that she needs to satisfy you sexually? And somehow you are this great guy because you are dedicated to give her pleasure?

From personal experience as the father of 5 kids: Keep the kids in your bed as long as they want. Be helpful to both your kids and your wife and sex with her will follow.

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post #124 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:56 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by Duguesclin View Post
From personal experience as the father of 5 kids: Keep the kids in your bed as long as they want. Be helpful to both your kids and your wife and sex with her will follow.
You must be new here. Welcome 😀

The kids in bed part I actually agree with. I can pick up a baby and relocate to the crib without even stirring.

But the last sentence... Too optimistic.
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post #125 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 11:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by Duguesclin View Post
Your wife is busy with the kids and on top of that she needs to satisfy you sexually? And somehow you are this great guy because you are dedicated to give her pleasure?

From personal experience as the father of 5 kids: Keep the kids in your bed as long as they want. Be helpful to both your kids and your wife and sex with her will follow.
The problem is, if the kids are in bed, it's hard to find a time and place to have sex... which leads to quickies on the living room couch.

I do agree with you, though. I actually kinda like sleeping with those kids, except for the occasional kick in the balls. We have a king sized bed, so space isn't really an issue... just the ball kickings. I've been saying this whole thread that my gut is telling me that I just need to try to be a good husband and father, and not try to force the sex right now. A lot of people kick my ass for saying that, but I don't know... it's the only thing that feels right at the moment. Today, I had kind of a bad day, as far as sexual frustration goes. I read a story in another thread about a man in his 60's who is having 10x the sex life that I am having, and while I'm very happy for him, it kinda put me in a bad frame of mind. I didn't picture myself in this situation at 35.

The only thing I can do is try to be the best husband and father I can be. Focus on losing weight, and try to lighten my wife's load a little bit. I understand that I have needs too, but I'm a pretty selfless person. I'm a "giver", as somebody in this thread said. When I first got married 9 years ago, my cousin (who was 38 at the time, and was drunk at my bachelor party) said "from now on, your needs will always come last. Her needs come first, until you have kids, then all their needs come first. Your needs are dead last, if even acknowledged." Now I'm 35 and have been married 9 years, and while I realize his outlook it pretty cynical, it kind of stuck with me to a certain degree. My wife actually goes above and beyond to meet all of my non-sexual needs. She's a very beautiful, wonderful woman, I'm not sure I even deserve her. I don't think she realizes how important sex is to me. I think she just sees it as an impulse thing, like I just get horny and need to get off... she probably assumes it's her duty to occasionally provide me with a vagina to do that with, instead of my usual hand.

Right now she's laying in bed, asleep with the kids. It really makes me sad that I can't just go to bed and make love to my wife. Even if the kids weren't there, she still wouldn't be up for it... tomorrow is a school day. Which means she'll be tired and worn out tomorrow evening, which means no sex until possibly Thursday evening. But not too late on Thursday, because she has school on Friday. Yeah...

Last edited by podiumboy; 04-11-2017 at 11:26 PM.
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post #126 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 11:37 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

PB, you need to look at facts a bit.

As the kids get older, time demands will increase. When my girls were in middle or high school they required lots more time from me. But that's because I was the token dad at every school activity. Time demands will increase.

After she finishes school then she has to find work. Add stress and time needed.

Once she starts work, it will be more hectic.

It rarely gets better. You can pretend everything is fine except intimacy. Eventually the cold shoulder gets to you.
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post #127 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 11:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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PB, you need to look at facts a bit.

As the kids get older, time demands will increase. When my girls were in middle or high school they required lots more time from me. But that's because I was the token dad at every school activity. Time demands will increase.

After she finishes school then she has to find work. Add stress and time needed.

Once she starts work, it will be more hectic.

It rarely gets better. You can pretend everything is fine except intimacy. Eventually the cold shoulder gets to you.
I agree. My wife seems to think that her libido is going to return, one fine day. I'm not sure about all that. I agree, there's always going to be something to do, somewhere to go, something on our minds. There's never going to be this wonderful era where all of life's stress is going to magically melt away, and we'll just fall into each other's arms in a loving embrace.

My plan is to just be cool for about 5 years and then re-evaluate. I know that some may think that's wasting 5 years of my life, but I don't see it that way. I need to take those 5 years to try to improve our marriage, improve myself, lose weight, hopefully get myself into a better spot financially, get her through school and into a career, and see where we end up. By then, maybe she'll be able to theoretically support herself financially, and she'll decide she doesn't need me anymore. Maybe by then we'll be at a point where we're both happy and going at it like rabbits, or maybe the complete opposite. I agree that it's extremely unlikely that my wife is going to desire me sexually again. I could improve myself in every way, but just because it's me, I don't think it's possible. I truly believe that the only way to revive her sex drive is if another man were to come into the picture, or if some drastic hormonal change occurred. That is a depressing thought, too. To know that if another man were to seduce her, she'd probably do things with him she hasn't done with me in years.
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post #128 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 12:01 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

Hopefully your testosterone doesn't begin to wane once you hit 40. It's really common. I'm pretty sure that's my problem because once I hit 40 things really went downhill. That's when the aches and pains really began to hit me too.

Seriously, don't wait. Make time for you and your wife - and by that I mean not just in the bedroom and not just regarding sex. From what I'm told, a lot of a woman's sexuality occurs between her ears not her legs.
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post #129 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 12:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by m00nman View Post
Hopefully your testosterone doesn't begin to wane once you hit 40. It's really common. I'm pretty sure that's my problem because once I hit 40 things really went downhill. That's when the aches and pains really began to hit me too.

Seriously, don't wait. Make time for you and your wife - and by that I mean not just in the bedroom and not just regarding sex. From what I'm told, a lot of a woman's sexuality occurs between her ears not her legs.
I will try my best. It's not like I'm wanting to just not get laid for 5 years. I'm just not going to pester and beg anymore, but try to open back up the lines of real attraction and desire.

My fear is that eventually my wife will turn 40 and suddenly want sex every day, and by that time I won't be able to perform to those standards. That would be some cruel irony!
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post #130 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:28 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by podiumboy View Post
I will try my best. It's not like I'm wanting to just not get laid for 5 years. I'm just not going to pester and beg anymore, but try to open back up the lines of real attraction and desire.

My fear is that eventually my wife will turn 40 and suddenly want sex every day, and by that time I won't be able to perform to those standards. That would be some cruel irony!
The odds of her turning off sexually due to work or simply not interested are far higher than your scenario above...
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post #131 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:41 AM
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Re: Duty sex only

You have a few choices, all of them bad if your wife does not respond favorably.

You can divorce over this.
You can accept a sexless marriage.
You can pester her for sex.
You can cheat.

I know you don't like any of them. You want "stay married and have mutually satisfying sex". For now, that is not on your menu.

Divorce is painful and affects your kids and your finances. It does give you freedom to seek someone who wants to share a mutually satisfying sex life with you. Only you know if that trade is worth it to you.

Accepting a sexless marriage helps on the kids and finances and there is every reason to believe your wife will be even more affectionate and caring when you take that "chore" off her list. You simply have to accept that marriage involves accepting the bad with the good and your "bad" is not having sex. I can tell you from experience that not having sex at all is easier to tolerate than having less than you want, having sex without passion, etc. No sex at all is actually better and easier to tolerate than lousy sex or starfish sex or duty sex.

Pestering her for sex or cheating are not suggested. Pestering almost never works and reduces the quality of the marriage. It leads to duty / starfish sex, which you ought to train yourself to refuse absolutely. And cheating is awful for all involved if you have a soul and a conscience, which you do.

It really is that simple to describe. The hard part is picking.

Oh, and yes you can hit the gym and rock things at work and make yourself the best version of you possible and take her on dates and use your next raise to hire help around the house and the next bonus to take her on vacation. Might work to help her feel like having sex with you in the long term. But in the short term you face the choices I described. Good luck.

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post #132 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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You have a few choices, all of them bad if your wife does not respond favorably.

You can divorce over this.
You can accept a sexless marriage.
You can pester her for sex.
You can cheat.

I know you don't like any of them. You want "stay married and have mutually satisfying sex". For now, that is not on your menu.
I like this, very well put. Cheating is not an option for me. I may not be a perfect person, but I know in my heart I am not a person who could ever cheat on their spouse. Even if I do end up very successful in my weight loss goal and end up attracting other women, I will not cheat. I could never be THAT GUY. Even if she cheats on me, I wouldn't have a revenge affair. I would just end it. When we were younger and other women would come on to me, I used to take great pleasure in shooting them down and making them feel stupid for trying, because I already have a great woman. And she still is a great woman.

Divorce is not something I wish to do, nor does she. We've worked hard to build a life together, and that's not something I take for granted. We still have a lot of goals that we want to accomplish together. The only way I'd consider divorce is if she cheated on me, or just went off the reservation crazy. I am pretty confident that neither scenario will happen, but not naive enough to discount it completely. At the end of the day, you can really only control your own actions.

I am going to stop pestering for sex. I might ask if she wants to periodically, and if the answer is no, I'll just suck it up, take it like a man and go jerk off. I haven't even asked for sex in over 2 weeks. She has initiated once, I agreed, and it was your standard duty sex. I don't even know why she initiated, since she clearly wasn't in the mood. I think she just thought she should check it off the to do list. But in the future, if she initiates and I can tell she's just doing it out of a sense of obligation, I will pass.

As you said, no sex IS better than duty sex. I can deal with no sex, honestly. If sex were taken completely off the table, I could accept that and just get on with my life. But this wondering "why isn't she into it? Is it something I'm doing wrong? WHAT WOMAN, WHAT??!!" is annoying, and quite frankly it's affecting my mental well being. It sometimes makes me an *******. I suppose part of that logic is that if there is NO sex, then it's clearly HER problem. But if there's occasion passionless, emotionless duty or starfish sex, then it could also be MY problem. It could be something I'M not doing right.

It's sad and a little bit frustrating. It really bothers me that some guys can act like complete *******s, even CHEAT on their wives, and the result is that their women can't get enough of them. I think that's the part that hurts the most.
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post #133 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:52 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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It's sad and a little bit frustrating. It really bothers me that some guys can act like complete *******s, even CHEAT on their wives, and the result is that their women can't get enough of them. I think that's the part that hurts the most.
Eeyore doesn't do it for most women.
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post #134 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Eeyore doesn't do it for most women.
Which cartoon character would you advise I model myself after, then?
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post #135 of 272 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:45 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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If she's a passion zombie now she won't turn into Miss Passion in a few years. To the contrary...
If she was Miss Passion in the past, she can be again - as long as she doesn't feel that she is pulling 75% of all the weight in the family. As I've said, WOMEN DO NOT TURN OFF. They are, and feel, responsible for everyone in the home, all.the.time. Unless the man is stepping up and ensuring that she steps away and is able to perform - and feel - like a real human being again, instead of just everyone else's cook/mother/maid/doctor/slave, you'll ever find Miss Passion again.

This is on YOU. For now. IF you make the situation 50/50 and she still doesn't step up, THEN you have a problem.
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