Duty sex only - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 278 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 07:29 PM Thread Starter
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Duty sex only

Might as well share mine. Let me start by saying I really do love my wife, and have NO DESIRE to ever cheat on her or leave her. We've been married 9 years, together 11, and have 2 young kids. We actually have a great relationship, except where sex is concerned.

Typical story; great sex while we were dating, honeymoon phase, throughout her first pregnancy, right up until our first was born. Things tapered off a little bit, but I still feel our sex life was as good as it can be with a new baby. Then our 2nd/youngest was born 3.5 years ago. We waited the appropriate amount of time to resume sexual activity after the birth, but it was never the same after that. Even though we wouldn't trade anything, going from 1-2 kids was TOUGH, especially on my wife. Suddenly, me pestering her for sex just put me in the same category as the needy children. We ended up mastering the art of the "quickie", because that was all that we had time for. Eventually, all our sex became quickies, at her request. I knew she was stressed, I was happy to be getting anything. I just figured this was a phase that would pass.

But a couple years ago it actually occurred to me; my wife gets no enjoyment out of sex. There's no passion, no foreplay, nothing. The more I brought this up, the more annoyed she got. Oral sex is completely off the table, giving or receiving. She has absolutely no desire to have any foreplay at all. She doesn't even want to try to pretend to enjoy sex, much less have an orgasm (at least not with me... don't know if she masturbates or not, but I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't). She still allows me to have sex with her 1-2 times a week, except during shark week. But this is strictly for me to get off. The only thing it does for her is allows her to not feel bad for being one of "those wives" who never gives it up. She even initiates sex with me maybe 1/3 of the time, which confuses me even more. Why does she initiate if she doesn't want to do it? She then proceeds to take her clothes off like she's at a doctor's office, gives me a hand job just to make sure I get hard, and then away I go. Maybe 1 out of every 4 times she makes any noise at all... it's actually pretty awkward. Makes me feel bad, like I'm just using her vagina to masturbate with. As soon as we're (I'm) done, there is no pillow talk. It's just right back to "Tomorrow I have to get up early and get this done and get the kids ready and yada yada yada...". Any attempt to address the sex we just had and her lack of enthusiasm is met with immediate defensiveness, and telling me I'm putting too much pressure on her.

For awhile, it was really tearing me up inside. She is such a kind, loving wife... until it comes to sex. She doesn't think our sex life is an appropriate thing to talk about. It's like she has a completely G-Rated mind. She gets easily offended if other people even talk about sex or make dirty jokes. The kids sleep with us most nights, and I think that's her way of avoiding intimacy, even though she denies this. I found a couple articles in her search history (I'll explain why I was looking in a second) about how to overcome sexual aversion and how to get back her sex drive as a mother of 2 young kids. She doesn't know why her sex drive is gone, but she is confident that one day it will return. She says she wants to want to have sex... whatever that means.

Before anybody starts, I truly don't believe she's having an affair. I researched this very thoroughly for one year and never came up with even one shred of proof that she was cheating. I was extremely paranoid. I kept thinking that the reason she wouldn't give me oral is because she was giving it some other guy. It took me down a dark path, but I'm off of that now. I suppose nothing is certain, but I truly don't think she is. And if she is cheating on me, and I found out about it, then that's her problem, not mine.

I suppose I'm just venting. It feels good to get this stuff out there, I don't really have anybody I can talk to about this. All my friends are either miserably married, or are divorced and tell me "Just divorce and go bang girls on Tinder... it's great!!!" Then of course, there's the "friends" who say "that sucks, my wife has sex with me in every way possible for an hour every single day, twice on the weekends... you must not be any good at sex, or she's having an affair." BTW, I am not bad at sex. She thoroughly enjoyed herself earlier in our relationship, as did other girls before I got with my wife.
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post #2 of 278 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 07:49 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Do you think she enjoyed sex early on in your relationship or was only doing it for you?
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post #3 of 278 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:01 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

I'm engaged, and getting married next month, so I've been reading articles lately about motherhood, and for some women, they have a hard time feeling sexy after having kids, at least in the beginning years. I have a friend who just had a baby, and she shares her story with me, that sounds just like you and your wife, only she has no interest in sex, it's ''just another thing to get done,'' she says. I don't think she means to hurt her husband, but he obviously is hurting because intimacy is an important part of the relationship. Do you guys have date nights? If not, maybe try to start spending time together once per week or whatever, just you two, without the kids, and see if that changes the mood. Maybe she just can't separate being a mom since the kids came along, and then shifting into a sex mind set with you. Hope things get better.

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post #4 of 278 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:02 PM
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Well, if she's reading that article, it means she's also concerned about it. You don't think she ever masturbates? If she wants to want to have sex, maybe she could look into orgasm tease and denial. If she were to masturbate almost to the point of orgasm, and then stop, and did that two or three times a day, that would get her in a much more sexy frame of mind. But she'd have to want to do it. Not quite sure how you'd bring that up, either.
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post #5 of 278 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:41 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Your wife sounds like a good woman. It's a real testament to her character that she does something she has an aversion to, just to make you happy, and keep her vows. I know it's hurtful to you in some way, for her to not desire you, but having kids can sometimes mess with a woman's hormones and lady parts.

When she says she wants to want to have sex, she's expressing that she wants to desire you, she just doesn't know how to fix whatever problem she's experiencing. My suggestion would be to try and help her. A christian sex counselor might be beneficial. The counselor might be able to bring your wife to the discussion table, and open up the lines of communication about the subject of sex.

A visit to a doctor and a round of tests might help too, if you can get her to open up and pursue a solution with you.

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post #6 of 278 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:20 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

You need to up your game. Though it's common for mothers libido to tamper down after a 2nd child, there are things that you can do to create more attraction.

If her desire for sex is down, the problem can be compounded by a husband that let's himself go. Many times we husband can get comfortable and not make an effort the way we did when we were trying to woo our wife. I'm not advocating non-stop effort but there has to be a balance.

A date night at least once a month can help. An occasional small gift just because. Also you have got to take care of your appearance. Make sure you're working out and eating right so you can keep looking good. Also don't neglect your hair, clothes, and hygiene. If your wife notices you're looking good, she knows other women will notice as well. That can spur her to up her game by wanting to bang you.
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post #7 of 278 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:53 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by podiumboy View Post
Oral sex is completely off the table, giving or receiving.
Was oral always off the table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by podiumboy View Post
I found a couple articles in her search history (I'll explain why I was looking in a second) about how to overcome sexual aversion and how to get back her sex drive as a mother of 2 young kids. She doesn't know why her sex drive is gone, but she is confident that one day it will return. She says she wants to want to have sex... whatever that means.
What this means is that her libido has disappeared, she wishes it hadn't and she'd like to get it back.

This is fairly common for women in a long term relationship after having kids.

Her libido may indeed come back. Then again, it might not.

The good news is that she's aware of the problem and sees it as a problem.

Now you need to get her to work with you on solving the problem as a team.

She isn't happy about it, but doing nothing and hoping her libido returns at some indefinite point in the future isn't the answer.
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post #8 of 278 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:58 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by podiumboy View Post
Might as well share mine. Let me start by saying I really do love my wife, and have NO DESIRE to ever cheat on her or leave her. We've been married 9 years, together 11, and have 2 young kids. We actually have a great relationship, except where sex is concerned.

Typical story; great sex while we were dating, honeymoon phase, throughout her first pregnancy, right up until our first was born. Things tapered off a little bit, but I still feel our sex life was as good as it can be with a new baby. Then our 2nd/youngest was born 3.5 years ago. We waited the appropriate amount of time to resume sexual activity after the birth, but it was never the same after that. Even though we wouldn't trade anything, going from 1-2 kids was TOUGH, especially on my wife. Suddenly, me pestering her for sex just put me in the same category as the needy children. We ended up mastering the art of the "quickie", because that was all that we had time for. Eventually, all our sex became quickies, at her request. I knew she was stressed, I was happy to be getting anything. I just figured this was a phase that would pass.

But a couple years ago it actually occurred to me; my wife gets no enjoyment out of sex. There's no passion, no foreplay, nothing. The more I brought this up, the more annoyed she got. Oral sex is completely off the table, giving or receiving. She has absolutely no desire to have any foreplay at all. She doesn't even want to try to pretend to enjoy sex, much less have an orgasm (at least not with me... don't know if she masturbates or not, but I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't). She still allows me to have sex with her 1-2 times a week, except during shark week. But this is strictly for me to get off. The only thing it does for her is allows her to not feel bad for being one of "those wives" who never gives it up. She even initiates sex with me maybe 1/3 of the time, which confuses me even more. Why does she initiate if she doesn't want to do it? She then proceeds to take her clothes off like she's at a doctor's office, gives me a hand job just to make sure I get hard, and then away I go. Maybe 1 out of every 4 times she makes any noise at all... it's actually pretty awkward. Makes me feel bad, like I'm just using her vagina to masturbate with. As soon as we're (I'm) done, there is no pillow talk. It's just right back to "Tomorrow I have to get up early and get this done and get the kids ready and yada yada yada...". Any attempt to address the sex we just had and her lack of enthusiasm is met with immediate defensiveness, and telling me I'm putting too much pressure on her.

For awhile, it was really tearing me up inside. She is such a kind, loving wife... until it comes to sex. She doesn't think our sex life is an appropriate thing to talk about. It's like she has a completely G-Rated mind. She gets easily offended if other people even talk about sex or make dirty jokes. The kids sleep with us most nights, and I think that's her way of avoiding intimacy, even though she denies this. I found a couple articles in her search history (I'll explain why I was looking in a second) about how to overcome sexual aversion and how to get back her sex drive as a mother of 2 young kids. She doesn't know why her sex drive is gone, but she is confident that one day it will return. She says she wants to want to have sex... whatever that means.

Before anybody starts, I truly don't believe she's having an affair. I researched this very thoroughly for one year and never came up with even one shred of proof that she was cheating. I was extremely paranoid. I kept thinking that the reason she wouldn't give me oral is because she was giving it some other guy. It took me down a dark path, but I'm off of that now. I suppose nothing is certain, but I truly don't think she is. And if she is cheating on me, and I found out about it, then that's her problem, not mine.

I suppose I'm just venting. It feels good to get this stuff out there, I don't really have anybody I can talk to about this. All my friends are either miserably married, or are divorced and tell me "Just divorce and go bang girls on Tinder... it's great!!!" Then of course, there's the "friends" who say "that sucks, my wife has sex with me in every way possible for an hour every single day, twice on the weekends... you must not be any good at sex, or she's having an affair." BTW, I am not bad at sex. She thoroughly enjoyed herself earlier in our relationship, as did other girls before I got with my wife.

Hi @podiumboy

Thanks for your message and your honesty.

I agree with you - I don't believe that your wife is having an affair. She sounds like a lovely woman who actually wants to serve you and not hurt you in anyway which is a real testament to her character. Here's the thing you need to be mindful of and ensure that doesn't happen.

At the moment, sex is primarily for you. She is serving you so that your needs are met which is a lovely act. However, you need to be mindful that if she continues to do this over and over, then there may be a bit of resentment that builds up over time.

Reason being is that, every woman has their own levels of sexual activity and how they like the act of sex to be conducted. Some are more open and 'expressive' and some really like their partner to be a bit of a detective to some extent and really understand what it takes to turn her on. Based on my experience working with women, this is what it sounds like with your wife. But if she continues to give, give, give without getting her needs met, then that's where the resentment builds. She loves you and wants to help you but probably doesn't want to create drama by expressing her needs. This is where you come into play...

I think your first task is to find some time where you say that you are going to spend the next hour or two completely devoted to her. Be genuinely excited about getting to explore her body. Massage her, get some foreplay going but make it all about her - forget about you and simply devote yourself to her. She may be a little reluctant initially because it's not a common thing (i'm assuming you don't do this regularly?) but if you keep persistent and genuinely want to serve her needs, I'm 100% certain that she will let you serve her - but only if you make it about her and you don't treat it like it's a chore. If you are excited about the idea of serving her, you will win some massive brownie points for this.

You know this, but don't listen to your mates about 'banging' women on Tinder and don't listen to them about your performance. Focus on serving her needs and you will be an absolute rockstar in her eyes.

Hope that all makes sense.

Cheers
Sri
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post #9 of 278 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buddy400 View Post
Was oral always off the table?

No, it used to be a regular thing. She has not let me go down on her since our first child was born 5.5 years ago. I would be happy to do it at a moment's notice, though. The last time she did it for me was last year on my birthday, roughly 13 months ago. The thing is, that was the last time I asked. She might be willing to do it again, but I have not asked. She has not offered, and I just can't seem to find the words to bring it up. How can I say it in a way that isn't "I know you work part-time, go to college full time, and raise 2 kids, but could you also please put my **** in your mouth?"

I'm quite sure she used to really be into sex before the kids. She used to buy lingerie, have orgasms on a regular basis (I know she didn't fake them all), make me have sex with her in risky public places, etc. It's like she doesn't even remember that she used to be that way.

I take her out on dates, maybe once a month, but overnight babysitters are hard to come by. She's so worn out, and if we have an overnight babysitter, I know she'd rather get a full night's sleep than stay up having sex with me all night.
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post #10 of 278 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

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Originally Posted by shrah25 View Post
Hi @podiumboy

Thanks for your message and your honesty.

I agree with you - I don't believe that your wife is having an affair. She sounds like a lovely woman who actually wants to serve you and not hurt you in anyway which is a real testament to her character. Here's the thing you need to be mindful of and ensure that doesn't happen.

At the moment, sex is primarily for you. She is serving you so that your needs are met which is a lovely act. However, you need to be mindful that if she continues to do this over and over, then there may be a bit of resentment that builds up over time.

Reason being is that, every woman has their own levels of sexual activity and how they like the act of sex to be conducted. Some are more open and 'expressive' and some really like their partner to be a bit of a detective to some extent and really understand what it takes to turn her on. Based on my experience working with women, this is what it sounds like with your wife. But if she continues to give, give, give without getting her needs met, then that's where the resentment builds. She loves you and wants to help you but probably doesn't want to create drama by expressing her needs. This is where you come into play...

I think your first task is to find some time where you say that you are going to spend the next hour or two completely devoted to her. Be genuinely excited about getting to explore her body. Massage her, get some foreplay going but make it all about her - forget about you and simply devote yourself to her. She may be a little reluctant initially because it's not a common thing (i'm assuming you don't do this regularly?) but if you keep persistent and genuinely want to serve her needs, I'm 100% certain that she will let you serve her - but only if you make it about her and you don't treat it like it's a chore. If you are excited about the idea of serving her, you will win some massive brownie points for this.

You know this, but don't listen to your mates about 'banging' women on Tinder and don't listen to them about your performance. Focus on serving her needs and you will be an absolute rockstar in her eyes.

Hope that all makes sense.

Cheers
Sri
Honestly, I would rather focus on my wife's sexual satisfaction than my own. I feel like when the kids were babies we got into some really bad sexual habits (the quickies, but that was her idea). I really wish she'd let me. She doesn't let me even touch her vagina, really. I think that her sexuality is buried deep in her identity. Being a mother, a full time student and having a part time job I think has really taken over and smothered her sexuality altogether. I truly do not believe she masturbates. I would be happy if she did, and encourage it. But she seriously doesn't seem likes she even thinks about such things. I'm not being naive; like I said, it is my wish that she did masturbate, showing some signs of life down there. Maybe she does, but she denies it.

I don't think she sees any problem. I'm getting sex on a pretty regular basis. To be honest, she seems genuinely happy to provide a hole for me to put my penis into. I am not some selfish husband who doesn't help out with the kids or clean the house. I do the dishes, I vacuum, I do laundry, I mow the yard, check the tires and oil in her car, etc, etc, etc. I'm happy to help her in any way I can. I don't think she would care about seeing a sex counselor, because in her mind I really don't think she thinks there is anything wrong with our sex life. Sometimes I bring up that she didn't seem like she was enjoying herself, and she replies "OMG, what do you want me to do? I'm not some porn star!"

But I truly don't think she's unhappy in our marriage. She actually just arranged for her teenage cousin to babysit our kids so we can go on a date this Saturday. She's really looking forward to it, there's a new restaurant she wants us to try.

I hate to admit it, but I let my friends get to me a couple months ago. I opened up to some friends at my buddies' bachelor party. The bachelor in question was a guy who was about to get married, and getting laid all the time. He had no ability to comprehend my situation. My other friend was in a sexless marriage with a woman who truly hated him; now he meets random girls on Tinder and has sex with them. My other friend hasn't had sex with his wife in 3 years, they're basically only together because they run a business together... he told me to quit *****ing about duty sex, and I couldn't argue with him. Yet another friend is not married, just got into a new relationship, and is having sex every day... he was no help either. It seems like nobody I know is in my somewhat unique situation.
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post #11 of 278 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:36 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

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No, it used to be a regular thing. She has not let me go down on her since our first child was born 5.5 years ago. I would be happy to do it at a moment's notice, though. The last time she did it for me was last year on my birthday, roughly 13 months ago. The thing is, that was the last time I asked. She might be willing to do it again, but I have not asked. She has not offered, and I just can't seem to find the words to bring it up. How can I say it in a way that isn't "I know you work part-time, go to college full time, and raise 2 kids, but could you also please put my **** in your mouth?"

I'm quite sure she used to really be into sex before the kids. She used to buy lingerie, have orgasms on a regular basis (I know she didn't fake them all), make me have sex with her in risky public places, etc. It's like she doesn't even remember that she used to be that way.

I take her out on dates, maybe once a month, but overnight babysitters are hard to come by. She's so worn out, and if we have an overnight babysitter, I know she'd rather get a full night's sleep than stay up having sex with me all night.
My situation isn't exactly like yours, but the sex aspect is. Things were great when we were dating, went downhill after the first kid and have just about tapered off after the second. She just dropped the bomb on me one day that she's never desired sex. She only did it because she wanted kids. She feels it has no purpose now. Like you, it has become duty sex. She does it so I can get off but there is no passion behind it anymore. It's "get hard and get done". I've tried explaining that it's not about the getting off but about that connection/intimacy.
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post #12 of 278 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:41 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Quote:
Originally Posted by podiumboy View Post
How can I say it in a way that isn't "I know you work part-time, go to college full time, and raise 2 kids, but could you also please put my **** in your mouth?"
There's nothing wrong with communicating your desires to your wife. Ask her for what you want. You guys have a partnership, she takes care of you, you take care of her. Together, you then take care of your kids. Your needs are just as important as hers, and more important than your children's.

Why is she working, going to college, and raising kids all at once? She needs to thin her responsibilities list. She should be able to keep you at the top of her list of priorities. When your spouse starts getting knocked down to the 3rd, 4th, or 5th place on the list, that's when other responsibilities need to be eliminated.

You and your wife are the foundation of your family. If the foundation suffers, so will everything built upon it.

As a mother, I eat stress for breakfast. - Megan Conley

I don't trust words. I even question actions. But I hardly ever doubt patterns.
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post #13 of 278 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Duty sex only

Quote:
Originally Posted by jsmart View Post
You need to up your game. Though it's common for mothers libido to tamper down after a 2nd child, there are things that you can do to create more attraction.

If her desire for sex is down, the problem can be compounded by a husband that let's himself go. Many times we husband can get comfortable and not make an effort the way we did when we were trying to woo our wife. I'm not advocating non-stop effort but there has to be a balance.

A date night at least once a month can help. An occasional small gift just because. Also you have got to take care of your appearance. Make sure you're working out and eating right so you can keep looking good. Also don't neglect your hair, clothes, and hygiene. If your wife notices you're looking good, she knows other women will notice as well. That can spur her to up her game by wanting to bang you.
I needed to read this, and welcome more comments like it. While I don't believe I take my wife for granted, it's true that I don't put as much effort into "wooing" her as I used to. Sometimes things like buying gifts seems so impractical when you share a bank account. Like, "if you want something, buy it!" I know that's the opposite of what I should be doing, and I'm going to work on that.

Ever since the kids were born, I've put on weight. I'm not morbidly obese or anything, but yeah... you look at pictures of me 10 years ago, and there's a considerable difference. That's a whole other struggle in my life, but you're absolutely right. I need to take care of myself better. As far as turnoffs go, I realize that it's probably not just the fat... it's the fact that I allowed myself to get that way that is the real turnoff, and also that I can't seem to do anything about it. I'm going to work on it, I really am. But I feel like my clothes, hair and hygiene are good. I honestly think my wife is very good looking, and would maybe be out of my league if we were both single now and I tried to approach her. My wife says my weight issue has nothing to do with her lack of sex drive, but I'm sure it doesn't help. And like you said, if she would see other women looking my way, that'd probably zap her libido back to life quicker than anything. That's one thing about when we were dating / first married. I had a lot of attractive female friends, some of whom I had a sexual history with. We were all just in the same social circle, and my wife encountered these women quite a bit. I never cheated. She would sometimes get jealous, but I really do think that fueled her sexually. Now, 11 years into the relationship, and I have no female friends, no female co-workers... she's basically the only woman my own age I ever interact with (I'm 35). I would still be sexually attracted to a woman who has the female equivalency of my body type, but I realize that for women it's not that simple.
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post #14 of 278 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:47 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

She's likely feeling touched out. Young kids are SO exhausting and it's hard for many women to understand the sexual urge their husbands feel when they themselves do not feel it.

I'd highly recommend explaining how you feel to your wife. Start with a very loving "I understand that you're exhausted with the kids and how hard you work with them. Here's what I need as your husband and here's how I think we can make it happen." And present a plan that will help ease the work off her 1-2 nights a week (or even start with 1 night a week if you're ok with that for now, if it's more passionate).

Women with young kids ALWAYS have something to do and someone to take care of, especially if they are co-sleeping.

Plan ahead of time so she knows to reserve her energy. Come up with a way ahead of time to help her with the kids so she can save her energy for you. You take over bathtime/Stories/bedtime routine that night of the week. Let her unwind.

This takes the pressure off since it's only 1 night a week and she has your support, instead of adding another thing to do. I bet she will remember how nice it is to fully relax and engage with you.
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post #15 of 278 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:51 PM
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Re: Duty sex only

Quote:
Originally Posted by BioFury View Post
Why is she working, going to college, and raising kids all at once? She needs to thin her responsibilities list. She should be able to keep you at the top of her list of priorities. When your spouse starts getting knocked down to the 3rd, 4th, or 5th place on the list, that's when other responsibilities need to be eliminated.

You and your wife are the foundation of your family. If the foundation suffers, so will everything built upon it.
OH! Just saw this. I completely agree with this- this is WAY too much for a woman to have to manage. No wonder she's not into sex. Your wife has way too much on her plate. There's no way she can relax, she's in survival mode. Why on earth is she doing this?

Sorry, until something gives my pervious advice will not work. This is way too much for a mom of young kids in my opinion. All the vacuuming and car maintenance in the world is not going to help you get more passionate sex from this woman.
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