How to spice things up - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:25 PM Thread Starter
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How to spice things up

Hi all, first time ever posting anything like this but here goes
My husband and I used to have amazing sex, but as the story goes, it became very routine once we had children. We have an amazing relationship but the sex was very vanilla. Recently things have picked up and we really have the passion and desire back (yay), but we need some ideas on how to make things more interesting. It's like we have become shy around each other and neither of us knows how to make some changes. I'm up for trying new things, just need ideas and whys in which I can suggest it to my husband.
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 02:35 AM
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Re: How to spice things up


I think that a lot of the issue is becoming more at ease with each other and building the passion between the two of you. There is a book that I think would help you with this part of it.

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel

Surviving An Affair -
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:41 AM
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Re: How to spice things up

There is a fun game that Mrs. Conan and I use to play.

It can include toys or oils or whatever as long as you both have agreed.

You arrange to have an uninterrupted day, no kids or friends or anything.

One of you gets to call all the shots during lead up, foreplay and during sex.

The other has to follow the lead and instructions of the one in charge.

Rest up and enjoy some cuddle time and good food with a movie and then it is the other person's turn to be in charge.

It is very hot and erotic! Builds intimacy and is super fun!

Last time we did it, Mrs. C went first and I melted under the intense sexual heat we generated;

We both passed out and I didn't get my turn and didn't care either!!! LOL!
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:35 AM
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Location: Florida
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Re: How to spice things up

To turn up the heat in the bedroom, you can take the lead in being bold.

Sometimes we men want to to get freaky with our wives but are reluctant because of the respect we have for you. As his wife and mother of his kids, he has you on a pedestal. You're the respectable woman that he would not want to sully and who's opinion he values.

So to change things, you may need to show him that you can be both his queen and his *****.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:21 AM
Join Date: Mar 2017
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Re: How to spice things up

When I began dating my wife I got her started reading erotic stories.

Her favorite author is Nancy Friday.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 02:36 PM
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Re: How to spice things up

Originally Posted by Jadeandzion View Post
I'm up for trying new things, just need ideas and whys in which I can suggest it to my husband.
First things first, you need to define each of your mode of lovemaking:

#1 Sensation focused - an eyes closed of making love where you focus on how your body responds to your partner.

#2 Partner engagement - this is where pleasure is derived from emotionally engaging with your partner.

#3 Role Play - an eyes open experience where fantasies are acted out and you each may imagine yourself as someone else.

If often happens in marriages where there will be a "conflict of mode" in sexuality. Perhaps one partner wants act out a fantasy and have you pretend you are someone else. Meanwhile the other partner struggles with their self confidence to try and pretend to be someone they are not as it prevents them from emotionally engaging their partner as themselves.

Sometimes different modes of sexuality can compliment one another. If one person is sensation focused, while the other person wants to role play, a fantasy can be acted out based on this where one person becomes a massage therapist and the other person enjoys relaxing, or one person plays a doctor while the other person enjoys closing their eyes during a playful "procedure." Normally these two modes conflict, but if the partner desiring role play can accommodate a scenario that allows their partner to relax and enjoy new sensations then it can spice things up a lot. If the partner role playing asks the person desiring sensations to start acting out a script, then things fall apart and these ideas to spice things up become a disaster.

So the first step is to define you modes as a couple. Talk about them and see where certain desires may conflict and/or compliment each other for having fun. THEN based on that you can start finding some ideas to create some serious sparks in your bedroom.

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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 04:07 PM
Join Date: Jun 2016
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Re: How to spice things up

So many possibilities, so much variation in what people enjoy. If you are shy about talking to each other there is a site (that I haven't tried) that has a couples questionaire, where each indicates their interests privately and only matching interests are shown. mojoupgrade (I know nothing abut the site). If either of you is computer savvy you could make a spreadsheet that did the same.

Has either of you ever reacted badly to a suggestion from the other? If not, then start by telling him what you would most like and see what he says.

Specific suggestions are so specific to people that other advice may be useless. If I had to give a specific one, I'd say tie him up, give him a BJ until almost finished, then refuse to finish him (but keep teasing) until he tells you one of his fantasies.....
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:34 AM
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,105
Re: How to spice things up

A couple of suggestions.

(1) There is a book by the folks from Babeland have a book called Moregasms. You and your H might want to get it for bed time reading as to ideas.

(2) The books Joy of Sex and its sequel are listing of all kinds of thing sexual to try. One suggestion is to either separately read the book and put a "plus or heart" next to things you would like to try. Then have your H do the same. Then work your way through the book skipping things that are not marked.

Good luck.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 03:55 AM
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: new england usa
Posts: 327
Re: How to spice things up

get an issue of Cosmopolitan when they run one of their "50 new ways to have sex with your hubby" articles, and check off a new way every night?
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