Looking for some advice here - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:10 PM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
My take:

You are highly sexed.

You are very aggressive. This makes him feel that making love to you "on a regular basis" is too much work, too much drama. Hence, the porn, hence the "nice" OW that he is trying to hook up with.

You are easily angered. You spend a lot of time being angry.

You are easily flustered.

These behaviors are pushing him away. As a rule, with few exceptions, men like women who are not high maintenance, high tempered, aggressive, "overly passionate". They want a passionate women, but not if she is overbearing. The passion must be [love and sex] related. Not raw aggression.

Dominant women are not sexy to most men. Oh, those aggressive tendencies are nice for short term relationships......for one-night stands.
Oh FFS!!!! Seriously? I mean do you honestly think her manbaby husband is intimidated by her ability to seek what she wants? Does her manbaby husband have itty bitty shriveled up testicles so that when a woman comes on to him it scares man baby away?

Overly passionate? Oh really? Exactly how many times a week is a woman supposed to want to have sex before she crosses the line from appropriately passionate to overly passionate? More than two means she's a *****? Is a woman allowed to initiate sex or is she supposed to cross her fingers and hope man baby notices? And how would manbaby notice if he's chatting up other women on Craigslist?

Sarcasm off.

Dominant women are actually very sexy to a LOT of men. You're just plain wrong because the BDSM section at literotica has MORE male submissives than female, more Female dominant than male. So no, a lot of men are in Gaga drooling love with a woman who can say, "get your tongue down her and down stop until I say you can!"

Anyone who is routinely left sexually frustrated and emotionally ignore would be easily angered. I know I sure as hell get very *****y when I haven't gotten laid often enough. And you have made several posts detailing your anger and frustration with being sexually ignored.



Quote:
Now, you may be just fine during lovemaking. It is the time before and after the lovemaking sessions that drive him away.

No man wants to walk on eggshells. Does not want to dance before every performance in the bedroom.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..

Problem:

This is you. You ARE this way. Why should you have to change for him to desire you, to show you intimacy "on a regular basis"?

Because you love this man. You want to regain his devotion, his love, intimacy and passion.

If you do change, do it first for yourself; then, for this relationship, or any future relationship.

A very soft spoken, kind, feminine women can win over a Snow Man. She can melt his frozen resolve very quickly.

Talk is cheap. Action comes at a cost. You believe he is worth it?

OK, kitty...find some catnip....then go lick his fur.


And now we have a man telling the betrayed spouse that her husband's cheating is because she wants sex too often and has frightened and intimidated her husband so that he needed to seek out "nice girls" who weren't so overly passionate? If this betrayed spouse wants to save her marriage, she needs to but on that submissive kitty collar and start kneeling at her husband's feet waiting for him to decide to pay attention.

OP, I hope you see the double standard being thrown at you and I hope you bat that **** down like a good cat!

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


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post #17 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 05:12 PM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

How often do the two of you have sex, say in the last 3 to 4 months?
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post #18 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 06:10 PM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

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Oh FFS!!!! Seriously? I mean do you honestly think her manbaby husband is intimidated by her ability to seek what she wants? Does her manbaby husband have itty bitty shriveled up testicles so that when a woman comes on to him it scares man baby away?

Overly passionate? Oh really? Exactly how many times a week is a woman supposed to want to have sex before she crosses the line from appropriately passionate to overly passionate? More than two means she's a *****? Is a woman allowed to initiate sex or is she supposed to cross her fingers and hope man baby notices? And how would manbaby notice if he's chatting up other women on Craigslist?

Sarcasm off.

Dominant women are actually very sexy to a LOT of men. You're just plain wrong because the BDSM section at literotica has MORE male submissives than female, more Female dominant than male. So no, a lot of men are in Gaga drooling love with a woman who can say, "get your tongue down her and down stop until I say you can!"

Anyone who is routinely left sexually frustrated and emotionally ignore would be easily angered. I know I sure as hell get very *****y when I haven't gotten laid often enough. And you have made several posts detailing your anger and frustration with being sexually ignored.







And now we have a man telling the betrayed spouse that her husband's cheating is because she wants sex too often and has frightened and intimidated her husband so that he needed to seek out "nice girls" who weren't so overly passionate? If this betrayed spouse wants to save her marriage, she needs to but on that submissive kitty collar and start kneeling at her husband's feet waiting for him to decide to pay attention.

OP, I hope you see the double standard being thrown at you and I hope you bat that **** down like a good cat!
Uh, OK!

Her husband is an a-hole. We know that.

She wants to stay with him, regardless.

Did she not say she wanted a way to win him over, warts and all? She did not want to hear that she should divorce him. I merely complied.
Mistake?

I merely complied with her wish. I gave her some pointers. I do not agree with them because, frankly, he is not worth a plug nickle.

That will be the last time I give a woman [here] want she wants to [hear]. Of course what I wrote is pure B.S.

That said, she should dump him.

Oh, and I stick to my guns on aggressive women. Most men want to come home to a Sweetie, not an Amazon. It wears on ya.

Same with women. How many women want to live with an angry, bitter. wound tight dude? Do you think they would want to cozy up to him for sex?

Even the best posters....are not, sometimes. <-----------Joke

Do some men like BDSM? Sure, a small percentage. But that normally is role playing and fantasy. Not real beatings and all the other stuff, unmentioned or course!

Then again, I do not know what goes on at your house. <----------Joke

This post was..... my bad.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #19 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 09:28 PM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

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What does he accept in his suffering? What is he ready to accept?

......

What does he accept in his suffering? What is he ready to accept?

Will you explain this to me? I don't understand what this means?

I was thinking I should send you a private message to ask for an explanation but then I thought maybe it isn't exacltly a threadjack because it does pertain to OP's husband.




@SunCMars

LOL, I thank you for the correct spelling of here and hear. When my fingers are flying across the key board at the speed at which I think, they have little discernment for homonyms.

I should not have become so angry at your post. I apologize, even though I believe you are wrong in your assessment of men being easily intimidated. I've found that men can handle a great deal of stress but kind of suck at emotional entanglement upheaval. If they can't punch it, spit at it, or **** it, they're not sure how to handle it. <---- gross and nearly unforgivable over simplification but it amuses me so I post it as often as I can.

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post #20 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:24 AM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

Not a problem @Anon Pink.

In his anxiety he is needing to rely on pharma-induced mindfulness, if there can truly be such a thing... the loss of his brother whom he loved dearly and looked up to reliant as well as a pillar in his life, and his own frailty in diabetes which he doesn't manage well is suffering he is not overcoming.

Accepting each of these and being ready to accept each of these lead to the same place although two entirely different tasks, one a preparation, the other an action.

Preparing to be ready (acceptance) is the series of learning to be kind enough to ourselves to not create suffering from suffering, recognizing that life while wonderful in all it is, will likely take at times more than it gives and it's how we handle those times when the balance is not in our favor that will either lessen our suffering, or add to it. It is in this practice that we ready ourselves for the next step...

Accepting and living through the suffering with giving ourselves the best love we can muster... eating right, balancing our medication for our health, not creating suffering for other through our action and choices... true acceptance.

Too often, we try to shortcut and jump strait into acceptance without preparing... and like any unprepared task that doesn't come easy, we land more disappointed than when we began, and more frustrated looking for even easier unmindfulness to ease pain in our lives.

As much as we want it to be, cyclic suffering is never black and white.

Not knowing the OP's husband, I do not know how he is prepared but she would, and if she would share and we listen, that may help understand better the offerings of this site.

Thank you for asking... peace be with you.

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #21 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:30 AM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

Thanks for your reply but as you can see I'm still confused.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Emerging Buddhist
Not a problem @Anon Pink.

In his anxiety he is needing to rely on pharma-induced mindfulness, if there can truly be such a thing... the loss of his brother whom he loved dearly and looked up to reliant as well as a pillar in his life, and his own frailty in diabetes which he doesn't manage well is suffering he is not overcoming.
Okay this is the first part I'm not fully getting.

Mindfulness of his loss, his own frailty, and the consequent and inescapable suffering. If I restated that correctly, what exactly is one to do, think, contemplate, feel, etc, in order to be mindful of these things?



Quote:
Accepting each of these and being ready to accept each of these lead to the same place although two entirely different tasks, one a preparation, the other an action.
Lead to the same place? Inner Peace? Wha....?


Quote:
Preparing to be ready (acceptance) is the series of learning to be kind enough to ourselves to not create suffering from suffering, recognizing that life while wonderful in all it is, will likely take at times more than it gives and it's how we handle those times when the balance is not in our favor that will either lessen our suffering, or add to it. It is in this practice that we ready ourselves for the next step...
Learning to be kind enough to ourselves to not create suffering from suffering. The practical application would be....eating right? Getting enough sleep? Getting appropriate exercise? What about psychologically beating ourselves up? Loss necessarily includes regret, guilt, even anger and hostility, it's one thing to kindly eat right but those emotional traps can't be so easily navigated. It is those emotional traps that, many times, prevent us FROM being kind to ourselves.

Maybe I just don't understand the concept of mindfulness.


Quote:
Accepting and living through the suffering with giving ourselves the best love we can muster... eating right, balancing our medication for our health, not creating suffering for other through our action and choices... true acceptance.
Okay this makes sense. Just do the best you can each day to take care of yourself. Just do what you can and allow that some days you will take good care and other days you may not. Right?

If I have that right, here is where it really confuses me: what if you have that mindset of each day to just try to do the best you can, accept that some days your best isn't enough. IOW, it's actually allowing further sinking? Sleep, eat, move...what if none of those are consistent enough to keep from sinking deeper and deeper? The guilt of knowing that your best isn't enough, knowing the sinking continues actually exacerbates the sinking. How is mindfulness or acceptance supposed to work in this situation?



Quote:
Too often, we try to shortcut and jump strait into acceptance without preparing... and like any unprepared task that doesn't come easy, we land more disappointed than when we began, and more frustrated looking for even easier unmindfulness to ease pain in our lives.
Preparing to accept...? I don't understand. "I accept that today I was able to hit one of the three (sleep, eat, move) and not able to hit two. But the downward slide continues, and I accept that."


Quote:
As much as we want it to be, cyclic suffering is never black and white.

Not knowing the OP's husband, I do not know how he is prepared but she would, and if she would share and we listen, that may help understand better the offerings of this site.
I understand cyclic suffering. Spiral emotional processing. Spiral downward and dip into an aspect of pain, process that and spiral upward for a time. Ignoring the painful issue and gaining some strength before spiraling downward again, dip further into the painful issue and process for a time before spiraling upward again. This process is repeated over and over and over and over. Cyclic suffering, cyclic processing, cyclic healing.

Ideally, during the processing phase a coping skill is learned, insights are gained, progress is made. That progress, in practical terms, means that during the upward spiral the upward movement is ever so much higher than before. Ideally.

Sometimes the depth and breadth of emotional pain means it might take many many dips doward before enough has been processed in order to actually move incrementally higher at the upward phase.

This kind of spiral processing is healthy, even when the ideal isn't realized because there are enough segments upward to keep from sinking and not getting back up.

It becomes unhealthy when the spiral downward never gets back up. It dips down, begins to move up but dips right back down and instead of incremental upward cycles, it has become incremental downward cycle. The upward swings that were supposed to allow strength to gather were insufficient to allow strength to gather before shifting back down and so the downward swing went a tad deeper than it had before. The upward swing didn't even make it to where it was before and the next downward swing went even deeper. The unhealthy destructive cycle has begun. Or as you put it, creating suffering from suffering?

How does mindfulness or acceptance or preparation to accept work in this situation?

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #22 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:19 PM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

Quote:
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Thanks for your reply but as you can see I'm still confused.
I wish I understood the multi-quotes better… I shall have to learn them better in the future.

___

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emerging Buddhist View Post


In his anxiety he is needing to rely on pharma-induced mindfulness, if there can truly be such a thing... the loss of his brother whom he loved dearly and looked up to reliant as well as a pillar in his life, and his own frailty in diabetes which he doesn't manage well is suffering he is not overcoming.
Okay this is the first part I'm not fully getting.

Mindfulness of his loss, his own frailty, and the consequent and inescapable suffering. If I restated that correctly, what exactly is one to do, think, contemplate, feel, etc, in order to be mindful of these things?
As we adjust to the loss of those we love it is natural to grieve and be sad from missing them as part of our lives and as the world seems negative from this loss we have to be aware least our grieving takes over and overshadows all other things in our lives or allow us the desires to mask the pain though unhealthy means… accepting that loss will happen and is part of life unmasked, this is being mindful.
___

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emerging Buddhist View Post

Accepting each of these and being ready to accept each of these lead to the same place although two entirely different tasks, one a preparation, the other an action.
Lead to the same place? Inner Peace? Wha....?
I see this simply as one learns to crawl before walking… the goal is to first understand forward motion to get to something or somewhere, then upright and steady but not without preparation of first standing and learning balance. This is preparation for mindfulness and what is mindfulness if not inner peace?
___

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emerging Buddhist View Post

Preparing to be ready (acceptance) is the series of learning to be kind enough to ourselves to not create suffering from suffering, recognizing that life while wonderful in all it is, will likely take at times more than it gives and it's how we handle those times when the balance is not in our favor that will either lessen our suffering, or add to it. It is in this practice that we ready ourselves for the next step...
Learning to be kind enough to ourselves to not create suffering from suffering. The practical application would be....eating right? Getting enough sleep? Getting appropriate exercise? What about psychologically beating ourselves up? Loss necessarily includes regret, guilt, even anger and hostility, it's one thing to kindly eat right but those emotional traps can't be so easily navigated. It is those emotional traps that, many times, prevent us FROM being kind to ourselves.

Maybe I just don't understand the concept of mindfulness.
Mindfulness: This is thrown around so much these days it is easy to lose the true concept… to a Buddhist it is simply to be fully aware of the present, of the moment, and to not be confused by all swirling around you in the business that takes away from being calm (happy, content, desires at bay) in life.

___

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emerging Buddhist View Post

Accepting and living through the suffering with giving ourselves the best love we can muster... eating right, balancing our medication for our health, not creating suffering for other through our action and choices... true acceptance.
Okay this makes sense. Just do the best you can each day to take care of yourself. Just do what you can and allow that some days you will take good care and other days you may not. Right?

If I have that right, here is where it really confuses me: what if you have that mindset of each day to just try to do the best you can, accept that some days your best isn't enough. IOW, it's actually allowing further sinking? Sleep, eat, move...what if none of those are consistent enough to keep from sinking deeper and deeper? The guilt of knowing that your best isn't enough, knowing the sinking continues actually exacerbates the sinking. How is mindfulness or acceptance supposed to work in this situation?
If one has guilt and anxiety, then I would suspect one would know that better is possible… I know I do when I recognize that guilt hasn’t solved my past lack of effort and being anxious over it will do nothing for my future. I have this control of my happiness and while the path is not an easy one, it will lead to a better one and that motivation (often eight-fold driven in it’s simplicity) keeps me afloat in dark times.

OP’s husband is in dark times… I am only sharing what has helped me and if she sees value in sharing with him, my time here is not lost.
___

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emerging Buddhist View Post

Too often, we try to shortcut and jump strait into acceptance without preparing... and like any unprepared task that doesn't come easy, we land more disappointed than when we began, and more frustrated looking for even easier unmindfulness to ease pain in our lives.
Preparing to accept...? I don't understand. "I accept that today I was able to hit one of the three (sleep, eat, move) and not able to hit two. But the downward slide continues, and I accept that."
Accept that the past is over and you still have work to do on the other two being happy in the one you hit and continue to practice that success, in time the other two will come.
___

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emerging Buddhist View Post

As much as we want it to be, cyclic suffering is never black and white.

Not knowing the OP's husband, I do not know how he is prepared but she would, and if she would share and we listen, that may help understand better the offerings of this site.
I understand cyclic suffering. Spiral emotional processing. Spiral downward and dip into an aspect of pain, process that and spiral upward for a time. Ignoring the painful issue and gaining some strength before spiraling downward again, dip further into the painful issue and process for a time before spiraling upward again. This process is repeated over and over and over and over. Cyclic suffering, cyclic processing, cyclic healing.

Ideally, during the processing phase a coping skill is learned, insights are gained, progress is made. That progress, in practical terms, means that during the upward spiral the upward movement is ever so much higher than before. Ideally.

Sometimes the depth and breadth of emotional pain means it might take many many dips downard before enough has been processed in order to actually move incrementally higher at the upward phase.

This kind of spiral processing is healthy, even when the ideal isn't realized because there are enough segments upward to keep from sinking and not getting back up.

It becomes unhealthy when the spiral downward never gets back up. It dips down, begins to move up but dips right back down and instead of incremental upward cycles, it has become incremental downward cycle. The upward swings that were supposed to allow strength to gather were insufficient to allow strength to gather before shifting back down and so the downward swing went a tad deeper than it had before. The upward swing didn't even make it to where it was before and the next downward swing went even deeper. The unhealthy destructive cycle has begun. Or as you put it, creating suffering from suffering?

How does mindfulness or acceptance or preparation to accept work in this situation?
There was a philosopher who said something along the lines of “letting go of what I am, allows me to become what I might be be”… today I am potentially many things that will not be helpful in being happy and calm in life (this is probably more true than I like!) If even a moment less in one area that is detrimental is placed in that in life that is more for the balance, then I have succeeded in this one moment… and removed suffering from suffering.

How does this apply to the OP? Obviously my challenges are quite different than hers, but if she wants to help her husband then understanding where he is at in his actions and behaviors is critical, especially how they impact and influence their marriage. I stated earlier in a post he is looking for things outside his relationship for relief of his pain, this is like trying to stop bleeding from a cut artery with a band-aid.

In the end, it is in her recognition of why the wound that can be treated is left to bleed and helping her understand enough to convey that need for treatment to her husband in a way he can understand so he allows her to help.

This may not be a path she can share with him, but in the end if he doesn’t, the seed has not been missed.

Some may see it as a flaw, but I do not see her husband in the way others do in this thread… even if he is lost at the present.

Compassion and non-judgement are practiced today…

नमस्ते 🙏

Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 04-10-2017 at 06:30 PM. Reason: Mindful quotes...
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post #23 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:59 PM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

@Emerging Buddhist

Looking for some advice here-img_1160.jpg

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


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post #24 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:31 PM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Thanks for your reply but as you can see I'm still confused.









Okay this is the first part I'm not fully getting.



Mindfulness of his loss, his own frailty, and the consequent and inescapable suffering. If I restated that correctly, what exactly is one to do, think, contemplate, feel, etc, in order to be mindful of these things?











Lead to the same place? Inner Peace? Wha....?









Learning to be kind enough to ourselves to not create suffering from suffering. The practical application would be....eating right? Getting enough sleep? Getting appropriate exercise? What about psychologically beating ourselves up? Loss necessarily includes regret, guilt, even anger and hostility, it's one thing to kindly eat right but those emotional traps can't be so easily navigated. It is those emotional traps that, many times, prevent us FROM being kind to ourselves.



Maybe I just don't understand the concept of mindfulness.









Okay this makes sense. Just do the best you can each day to take care of yourself. Just do what you can and allow that some days you will take good care and other days you may not. Right?



If I have that right, here is where it really confuses me: what if you have that mindset of each day to just try to do the best you can, accept that some days your best isn't enough. IOW, it's actually allowing further sinking? Sleep, eat, move...what if none of those are consistent enough to keep from sinking deeper and deeper? The guilt of knowing that your best isn't enough, knowing the sinking continues actually exacerbates the sinking. How is mindfulness or acceptance supposed to work in this situation?











Preparing to accept...? I don't understand. "I accept that today I was able to hit one of the three (sleep, eat, move) and not able to hit two. But the downward slide continues, and I accept that."









I understand cyclic suffering. Spiral emotional processing. Spiral downward and dip into an aspect of pain, process that and spiral upward for a time. Ignoring the painful issue and gaining some strength before spiraling downward again, dip further into the painful issue and process for a time before spiraling upward again. This process is repeated over and over and over and over. Cyclic suffering, cyclic processing, cyclic healing.



Ideally, during the processing phase a coping skill is learned, insights are gained, progress is made. That progress, in practical terms, means that during the upward spiral the upward movement is ever so much higher than before. Ideally.



Sometimes the depth and breadth of emotional pain means it might take many many dips doward before enough has been processed in order to actually move incrementally higher at the upward phase.



This kind of spiral processing is healthy, even when the ideal isn't realized because there are enough segments upward to keep from sinking and not getting back up.



It becomes unhealthy when the spiral downward never gets back up. It dips down, begins to move up but dips right back down and instead of incremental upward cycles, it has become incremental downward cycle. The upward swings that were supposed to allow strength to gather were insufficient to allow strength to gather before shifting back down and so the downward swing went a tad deeper than it had before. The upward swing didn't even make it to where it was before and the next downward swing went even deeper. The unhealthy destructive cycle has begun. Or as you put it, creating suffering from suffering?



How does mindfulness or acceptance or preparation to accept work in this situation?


Anon you are a compassionate flower indeed.
On the topic of doing your best,
The realization one may find is that it's not ever "not good enough" but dropping that concept altogether.
You always do your best. With the knowledge and skills you have today. Some days it is better than others. You do what you know. That is all. If you know more, you will do more.
It is this way because that is reality.
There can be no other way to look at it. Because it cannot be changed. Deciding it was not good enough is causing your own suffering. A subtle but profound shift...

So you accept the past (yesterday and 5 minutes ago) And move onto tomorrow. And just do your best. It takes awhile to keep reminding yourself that it cannot be changed. Hindsight is a stubborn habit.






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post #25 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:17 AM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

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You always do your best.
Some do. Some don't. Some of us are dedicated to the proposition that we will never do our best. Some of us are terrified of even trying.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #26 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:53 PM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

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Some do. Some don't. Some of us are dedicated to the proposition that we will never do our best. Some of us are terrified of even trying.


And when you are terrified....your best is just that. How you behave when you are terrified.

Even if, as you say, dedicated to not doing your best, well that is the best version. You are doing your best at being "never good enough".
If you weren't, you would behave differently.
Dedicated does mean just that.

The problem is thinking you should or must be different when you in fact are doing your best to be "never good enough ".

The problem is comparing your best to someone else's.
You are trying to achieve "never good enough ". You did your best. I guarantee it.


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