Looking for some advice here - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:20 PM Thread Starter
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Looking for some advice here

So here's some backstory on my situation. My husband and I have been together for 9 years married almost 5. We have 2 kids, one biologically his but he adopted my oldest. Our youngest is special needs and disabled and right around the same time we received a diagnosis for her (may 2014) we also found out my BIL had brain cancer (he has since passed away this past june) and my MIL had breast cancer (she is ok now luckily). There have always been bickering mainly about finances and sex. I've always felt as though his interests are with others. Even in the beginning he started watching p*** instead of having sex. We've fought over it and he would say it would stop and it wouldnt. Over the past two years though things have gotten worse.

Fast forward to spring of 2016 when I found him emailing women from Craigslist. I confronted him and he instantly admitted but said that he wouldn't say or make promises only that he would stop. I believed him and he said it didn't go any further and I didn't look any further. Over the last year I had my doubts and would find the p*** but would let it go because they at least he wasn't still messaging women.

We were still arguing and this past thanksgiving we got into a bad argument where I told him I felt alone in our marriage I felt like he didn't love me anymore and was only still in our marriage because he was comfortable and afraid of what the situation would look like with not being with our kids daily. He's even said he would stay just for the kids in the past. He promised that while we fight that there is no one else was no one else and that I'm the only one and he does love me. We agreed to work on things and really try. If we couldn't see a change by the time we moved to a new town for my,job in February (yes 2 months ago) then we would be done. I agreed and started working on my attitude and being more happy. I tried being nicer and not being so stressed out. I tried to let him make more decisions on his own about things (like Xmas shopping things he said he never got to do but wanted to do. He said one of his big problems with me was/is never being happy with what I have, my bad attitude and needing things to be done my way all the time. I don't completely agree but hey if that's what he sees then I'm willing to change some things). We were doing great.......I thought. Three days before Xmas I woke up and for some reason picked up his phone to find out he had been on a local hook up website. He shut it down that day but wouldn't come clean about everything. Since that day, since December 22nd I have been told and found out that he had at least one affair email account, had several accounts for numerous and I mean numerous hook up sites or cheat on your spouse sites, constantly emailing Craigslist personal ads, and was consistently talking to one woman that I know of. I also know that he was sending d*** p*** to her and countless,other people and video chatted with her while messaging me that he loves me. She knew about me but didn't know we were "working on things". They planned to meet up and have sex and he's admitted to wanting her more than me at the time but she called it off. This hurt me the most of it all....the other woman.

I've also learned from him (at least he says) that he was looking for someone else because he wanted to be happy. He's told me I've let myself go, that I look like a boy because I like to wear jeans and t-shirts, told me I'm nasty, and told me that he wants what he wants and that he wants to wants me and wants to love me and then changes it and says he's not good with words and that's not what he meant (he has never been good with words so I give him that). I've also learned that I guess the sex we were having was boring to him but I'm literally open to anything go on the bedroom and he's always turned me down so I'm confused there.

Here we are now in April. I truly believe that he has stayed off of those sites and isn't talking to anyone anymore. We have moved but now we are experiencing other problems. He claims his sex drive isn't what it was before and that he just doesn't want to have sex that much because he's lazy. Well his browser history from two/three months ago says different. Then there's the fact that he will get aroused and then tell me no or that he wants to go do something else (play his game, watch tv). Last night was the ultimate let down for me as his wife and I think the final slap in my face that it really is me!!!!! We get in the mood, he's aroused and ready to go, I'm naked and on top of him and he goes soft and asks for p***. Now don't get me wrong. If we are watching it together to get started that's fine I'm ok with that. I like watching it too. And I've watched a lot of it myself and have never desensitized myself to sex before anyone says that and I know I've watched more than he has. (I've always been on the high sex drive end of things and always been into watching it just don't like it when it used instead of me) my issue with last night is he should have stayed aroused if he's attracted to me and wanting me right?

He claims I'm making this into a problem when it isn't and I need to grow up and act like a woman with children and real problems i,stead of the fact that it wasn't ready when I wanted on my terms. Be said that he gives me a little and I try to take take take. He also said that he can't help around the house, help with the kids, work and do extra things with the kids and still have sex like I want. I don't think I should have to choose and I don't think it should be that hard. I mean. I am his wife. He should want to and if not then hit road. I'm not here just to be a mom and cook dinner.

Am I over reacting? Is my marriage over? Does my husband really,not want me? Was his attempts to cheat really a sign that this needs to end and that he needs/wants something that isn't me and I can't give him? I need some help here.
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post #2 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 12:11 AM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

I think your husband has shown you who he is over and over and you need to believe him. He's a cheater and a liar, and he is trying to shift blame onto you. He has also seen you are going to let him get away with being a cheater and liar, so why should he change? I am unsure why you would even WANT to have sex with someone that would hook up with randoms from Craig's List.
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post #3 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 12:29 AM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

I don't think you are over-reacting. I think most people would have been much less forgiving of the attempts to cheat, even if he didn't succeed in following through. There's no need to know if he did manage to cheat or not. That's for you to decide about.

All that counts is you do want him to include you in his sex life, and he won't. It's obvious he is pursuing sex without including you. That hurts. You are definitely not over-reacting.

Lots of people will ask why you give him so many chances. But love can be funny that way. People might give advice about how to change him.

You two need to be in marriage counseling together if you hope to save your marriage. I suspect your husband does not care enough to do that with you, because I have a low opinion of men. But maybe he will.

He is a chronic liar, a cheat, has many sexual problems which you can't even begin to work on until he gets past his inability to tell the truth. It's pretty bleak, but a marriage counselor could help if you both really want to try.

Good luck.
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post #4 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:43 AM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

I hope you went to get STD tested.
If not, call to make the appointment today. You need to take care of yourself.

He's a serial cheater willing to risk your health. I don't care if you lack hard-core evidence. It's clear what he wants. You're desperate for love from a person who clearly doesn't love or respect you. Right now, I'm wondering if the person really afraid of divorce is him... Or you?

Why would you value yourself so little to even think an unremorseful husband is capable of what you're expecting? It's one thing to perhaps "let yourself go," but he's obviously creating the perfect storm to make you feel insecure while he carries on doing what he wants and continues to check out.

Do you want your kids to find his Craigslist communications? Crack down on that crud, tout de suite. If he wants this to be his life, he can pursue his fantasies without you.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #5 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 07:02 AM Thread Starter
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Thanks for the replies guys. I wanted to add that over the course of the last year he has hardly slept and come to bed. Another thing is, i never said he wasn't sorry for what he did. There was just a point where he knew just saying sorry w as my going to work.

To those who say why would you want to stay??? My husband, my best friend, just lost his big brother, the father figure in his life, his best friend, the man that introduced us, a man that was in our lives daily. So what makes me any more of a woman for giving up on him and walking away from him and our marriage during one of the hardest times of his life. He's never lost anyone before. His parents are in their 70s so he doesn't really remember his grandparents. He has agreed to go marriage counseling which is something o didn't think he would do. I've asked him what makes this time different. He explained to me that when he noticed he I didn't cry anymore when I told him to decide what he wanted and to get his **** together or get out and went to work and if he wasn't home when I got off work then j knew what he decided and I didn't care I just wanted the games over with. This happened right before Xmas. He said he realized he was pushing me too close to losing me for stupid things. He has said he was in a weird place not knowing how to deal with everything from our disabled daughter to both his mom and brother being diagnosed with cancer in the same month and then 2 years of us taking care of his brother and basically watching him die in front of us.


I'm not saying what he did was right. I'm saying there are things that make some sense. One thing I have to remember is that he as far as I know only got as far as he did with the one woman. I also forgot to mention he's a stay at home dad, doesn't have a cell phone plan only has an old cell with Wi-Fi because of finances. He doesn't drive never has because of anxiety. He has diabetes but doesn't manage it well. He's also on Zoloft to help with his stress with his brother.

Our situation is odd unique and strange, I know, but I'm not ready to give up on my husband to find out that all the attempts to cheat to everything were because he didn't have the right outlets to deal with his grief or didn't know how to ask for help. I've tried trust me. Its just hard.
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post #6 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 07:06 AM Thread Starter
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Oh and since we've moved,in Feb he has come to bed with me every night. Has barely been on his phone, I've been working less hours so we've been spending more husband and wife time together during the day. I've lost 35 lbs. He does compliment me several times daily where before if we talked we fought. It seems like now we are getting along we are even communicating better about money just not sex
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post #7 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 08:46 AM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

One therapeutic effect strangers on a message board can have, which I have seen, is causing someone to defend themselves and/or their loved ones and fix their issues in spite of the message board people.

So we may attack your husband and say that's no excuse for the slimy things he did, and you might defend him. I say grief just doesn't cut it as an excuse, and you say people grieve in different ways.

Personally I think setting up a meeting with someone else is inexcusable, but actually affairs are excusable, so planning one is. My life is full of problems, past and present, so I sure can't say you make bad decisions.

The advice to get tested for STD is great advice, and you need to do that! You need to do that no matter if you defend your husband or not, no matter if you believe him or not, no matter what. Please get tested!
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post #8 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 09:09 AM Thread Starter
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Its not that I don't want to hear the advice but for people to bash someone and say such negative things when all I'm doing is looking for help is wrong. I'm not asking for people to out down my husband I have enough in my head over what he's done. I'm looking for advice on how to move forward and how to tell if its really me or not. What I'm not looking for is people telling me how wrong it is what he did. I know that. He knows that from what he's said and demonstrated outside of the bedroom lately.

Another thing I don't need is people assuming because we've hit a bad spot that I'm an irresponsible person who doesn't take care of herself. I'm a 30 yr old woman who goes to The Dr regularly. Gets tested yearly at my yearly check up and got tested as soon as I found out how far it went which all proof and his statements have only proven that he's tried not actually followed through. To judge me and assume I'm and idiot and don't know how to take care of myself is,not helping my situation and honestly is no better than him or anyone else putting me down when over and over in a post it says Get tested get tested get tested. Well no ****!!!!! That's not what I'm here for. I'm not here for junior high sex ed on how to make sure I'm protected.

Sorry for being rude but when replies don't have anything to do with my questions and only state how stupid I am it completely defeats the purpose of this or any other forum.
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post #9 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

The behavior your husband is involved in is addictive and representative of the fact that he is a broken person.

You need to come to the realization that your husband is NOT EVER going to marriage material, that you are not required to stay married to him, that what he is doing is even declared a reason to divorce him by God, and that you would really have to search hard to find a worse candidate for a husband.

Stop allowing yourself to be emotionally traumatized on a constant basis by this man, and GET OUT of this "marriage".

YOU CANNOT FIX THIS MAN.

He doesn't even want to be fixed. He wants sloots and *****s. He's human garbage.

Please, get out. He is very likely to give you a disease that could easily end your life.
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post #10 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

It's okay to be rude.

Many people don't get tested. Unless you say you did, the assumption is you didn't.

You are not over-reacting.

While that single statement may be all you were hoping to get in response to your story, it is probably not all you will get.

Good luck.
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post #11 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 09:40 AM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

No, you aren't over reacting.

Yes, your marriage is over.

Your husband is seeking to mitigate his infidelity because of his grief. You feel like you should cut him some slack. I am no stranger to caregiving for terminal loved ones, I've done it and lost 3, 2 siblings and my mother. Also while trying to piece together a distant and disconnected marriage. Damn, if I had known that my grief gave me leave to sleep around maybe I would have coped better! I feel totally cheated now.

He has felt lost and adrift, I get that, but have you ignored his attempts for closeness? Have you emotionally abandoned him? Have you ignored his distress because of your stress? Have you turned away from sex with him? Have you rejected him? If you can answer no to these questions then marriage counseling isn't needed. Individual therapy is needed because your husband doesn't want sex, rejects you, seeks out others, seeks out release through porn while ignoring you and these are all HIS problems!

I suggest you move this thread to CWI because you need to start seeking to separate yourself from your husband and this marriage. It is the only way he will honestly and fully take responsibility for his issues and if he wants the marriage to work he will work therapy so he can be a husband/father.

He isn't your best friend, your best friend wouldn't reject you, lie to you and then insult you. You still love him, that's okay but it doesn't mean the marriage will work.

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post #12 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:55 AM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

Looking outside for this happiness is looking in the wrong direction... and how he is looking outside is causing him even more suffering.

What does he accept in his suffering? What is he ready to accept?

We are with our partners for may reasons... enriching and being enriched in a shared life strikes my mind first as I type this so it must be my truth for me, what is your truth?

Anxiety, diabetes, loss, insecurity, medicated... my what a handful for self to deal with.

Life is hard... your husband has found this to be more truth than he can handle right now, and if he won't accept his suffering he will continue to share it to those he has relationships with, neither enriched no enriching for either of you. In a nutshell, he has to feel good about himself before he can feel good about others, especially his wife.

So how would you share that he's loved and wanted, alive for a reason? 
Is it your job to convince him he is stronger than these unmindful things that have entered his life?

Not to convince him no... he has to do that himself.

Your love should be a spiritual hand up at the moment... he has had the hand out and you have been gracious about it so remember to take care of yourself because there are times when we don’t realize we’re actually drowning when we’re trying to be everyone else’s lifeline.

Looking outside for this happiness is looking in the wrong direction... and how he is looking outside is causing him even more suffering.

What does he accept in his suffering? What is he ready to accept?

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #13 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

My take:

You are highly sexed.

You are very aggressive. This makes him feel that making love to you "on a regular basis" is too much work, too much drama. Hence, the porn, hence the "nice" OW that he is trying to hook up with.

You are easily angered. You spend a lot of time being angry.

You are easily flustered.

These behaviors are pushing him away. As a rule, with few exceptions, men like women who are not high maintenance, high tempered, aggressive, "overly passionate". They want a passionate women, but not if she is overbearing. The passion must be [love and sex] related. Not raw aggression.

Dominant women are not sexy to most men. Oh, those aggressive tendencies are nice for short term relationships......for one-night stands.

Now, you may be just fine during lovemaking. It is the time before and after the lovemaking sessions that drive him away.

No man wants to walk on eggshells. Does not want to dance before every performance in the bedroom.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..

Problem:

This is you. You ARE this way. Why should you have to change for him to desire you, to show you intimacy "on a regular basis"?

Because you love this man. You want to regain his devotion, his love, intimacy and passion.

If you do change, do it first for yourself; then, for this relationship, or any future relationship.

A very soft spoken, kind, feminine women can win over a Snow Man. She can melt his frozen resolve very quickly.

Talk is cheap. Action comes at a cost. You believe he is worth it?

OK, kitty...find some catnip....then go lick his fur.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #14 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 12:26 PM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

Quote:
Originally Posted by Needingadvice86 View Post
Oh and since we've moved,in Feb he has come to bed with me every night. Has barely been on his phone, I've been working less hours so we've been spending more husband and wife time together during the day. I've lost 35 lbs. He does compliment me several times daily where before if we talked we fought. It seems like now we are getting along we are even communicating better about money just not sex
In the past when the two of you have had sex, has he struggled to satisfy you in any way? Or do you primarily try and have sex for the purpose of trying to please him and make him happy?

Generally speaking many women on this forum that might be sexually frustrated would advocate that you take responsibility for your own sexual pleasure and when possible try and share that with your husband. As one lady put it, "I'm about to go enjoy a good orgasm, and it would be nice if you wanted to join me!" The implications of that means that she was not ashamed to admit that she would be masturbating alone in the event her partner was unable to join her for whatever reason. As a guy this is rather extraordinary concept because it implies that there is no action required and that the man can enjoy being a spectator, for which I doubt many men would be able to resist participating in the excitement at some point.

Some women on TAM that have husbands that struggle with psychological erectile dysfunction, say that such a problem tends to subside after he experiences holding his partner while she orgasms repeatedly (all on her own, or perhaps with him using a vibrator).

I don't know if that will help you two or not, but it the best advice I feel I can offer. I had to resist the urge to say negative things about how your husband treats you, so I will leave it at this... You should feel very confident in the fact that you deserve for your husband to treat you better, and you should have no hesitation or shame in communicating that to him in whatever means you need to that helps the two of you find a happier place together.

Regards,
Badsanta
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post #15 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 12:39 PM
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Re: Looking for some advice here

Quote:
Originally Posted by Needingadvice86 View Post
Our situation is odd unique and strange, I know, but I'm not ready to give up on my husband to find out that all the attempts to cheat to everything were because he didn't have the right outlets to deal with his grief or didn't know how to ask for help. I've tried trust me. Its just hard.
No, your situation is not unique. Many marriages go through challenges of loss and all of life's ups and downs and do so without one spouse cheating. Your husband is looking to cheat on you, if he hasn't already. He has betrayed your trust by searching for other women and initiating contact with them. You are accepting crumbs in your marriage by tolerating this abuse, because you are not yet ready to leave him. He has already left the marriage by initiating contact with other women for the purpose of getting together with them.

Your marriage is over. It is only a matter of time before he physically cheats, if he hasn't already. You have enough evidence already to consider your husband unfaithful to your marriage.
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