Re: Thoughts on this
Haven't read all the replies beyond the initial post, but will give my thoughts. Apologies in advance if I'm echoing previous posters.
I suffer from a similar situation in my own marriage. Not only can I sympathize with OP, but I can share my experience on avoiding sex.
I avoid sex with my wife because I'm unhappy with all of the restrictions and predictability of the sex. Sex in my marriage is far from hot; it's purely physical and just going through the motions. To me, accepting that kind of sex in a marriage with the mindset that "some sex is better than no sex", is to settle for mediocre sex and pretty much ensures you'll never get better sex from your spouse. In my opinion, the upside of avoiding sex with my wife is the chance that she provides me better sex at some future time. This is only rational behavior if I believe that my wife's infrequent sex is not pity sex, because if she's not in to me, she is made no worse off by my avoidance and has no incentive to provide me with better sex. This is to say, there is only upside if she wants some level of sex with me, though a lesser amount than I would prefer. Assuming this, my upside potential in avoiding is accompanied by an unavoidable downside risk: my wife feeling rejected. If she offers me sex because she wants to have sex with me but I refuse that sex, she will feel bad. I'm OK with my wife feeling bad; I like to think both of us feeling bad about the marriage positions us better for either resolution or divorce.
I am a younger man with no children out of my marriage, and both my wife and I could do fine financially without each other, so I have very different feelings about divorce than many guys on TAM. Your situation could be different. In the event that you don't see divorce as an option, I recommend that you temporarily avoid intimacy with your wife; invest more time in hobbies, friends, and family to see if your avoidance achieves any benefits in the bedroom. At the same time, you might consider going to a marriage counselor or sex therapist with your wife. If things don't get better, and you're not open to divorce, coping will be your survival. Double up on hobbies, family, and friends to get your mind off of sex, and accept what little sex your wife provides.
That's right. I suggest you actually settle for less sex than you want in the marriage, assuming some avoidance gets you nowhere, divorce is not an option, and you need to cope somehow. I argue that open relationships, cheating, and porn are coping mechanisms for the HD person who's getting shorted on sex by the LD person, but these are destructive for the vast majority of people--they divert your attention and desires away from your spouse; they are bad. So if you must cope, do so in a constructive way and get what sex you can from the wife. Good luck!
Last edited by _anonymous_; 04-11-2017 at 04:04 PM.