Thoughts on this - Page 115 - Talk About Marriage
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post #1711 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 12:54 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Originally Posted by Buddy400 View Post
I think "at will" implies that effort to improve the marriage isn't required; that compromise isn't needed; that if you don't get everything you want, it's okay to just walk.

I don't think you mean it that way, but that may explain some of the resistance to the idea.
Agreed, it is more the way @kag123 mentioned it. Her original quote:

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As I mentioned before we have an "at-will" marriage. Divorce at any time for any reason...hand me the papers and I'll sign them.
So to me, the above reads as if there no real commitment or effort to improve. If things get tough, hit the road (to an extent, the opposite of the "for better or worse" vow).

Not saying you want to force someone to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in. However, it brings up the question, if you go with the "at will" approach as it reads to me above, why bother even getting married?
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post #1712 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 12:55 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Funny, I have had the same thoughts. My W will tell me she can't wait until I get home, yet when I get home I am usually in a different part of the house with one or more our kids while she is elsewhere in the house. The idea of me physically being in the house has a lot of value to her.
I'm actually kind of like your wives in this aspect. I value my "alone" time, but extended periods of time in an empty house make me anxious.

I like hearing my wife and kids moving about the house so I know they're safe.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #1713 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 01:15 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

Your premise is wrong. It is not about what she needs. It is about what I need.

I am not distancing myself to stoke desire per se, although that sometimes happens. I am distancing myself because I will find things in my life to make it fulfilling, whether it be with her, or through my hobbies/activities.

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I get that. My only question is how did you determine that it's the distance she needs and not for example a different type of connection. That's why I asked if you spoken to her to ascertain what it is exactly that might be missing for her. (Or if she is comfortable with the distance at all.)

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley

Last edited by farsidejunky; 05-04-2017 at 01:32 PM. Reason: Grammar!
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post #1714 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 01:16 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

So have I.

I am only half kidding.

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I've often suspected that we're actually the same person.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #1715 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 01:17 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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It's not what they write in finance...

But what if the sex in the past past was great, lousy/stopped in the past and ok/good in the present? Which past is the relevant past, to predict the future?
Then you look for the conditions​ that caused the change.
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post #1716 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 01:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts on this

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:shrug:

This is where the gap widens between LD and HD.

I don't take offense to the fact that he loves me more when we have sex. I do get just a teeny tiny bit of resentment building because that seems to be the ONLY time he loves me - when we have sex.

I could do literally anything else for him and never get the same reaction.

Whereas he could do a great deal many things for me and it fills my love bank. A compliment, a nice gesture, an act of service. I will never get a reaction from him doing anything else unless it's sex. That divide is what makes it feel (to an LD) that sometimes it's just about sex.

Add on top of that, that when there's a slow period... it's not just neutral in the relationship - it's crankiness that can ratchet up to hostility - and that makes it feel even more like wow, you only love me when we are having sex.

I really don't BLAME him for any of it, and I have gotten to a point where I understand some of this to just be the HD nature. I do try to keep that resentment from building. It's one of the reasons I'm here on TAM trying to read as much as I can from the opposite POV.

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Your love bank is being filled up by the things that work for you, done by him. For you, without resentment. He just does it.

His love bank accepts currency that you do not provide all that often, nor understand, therefore his bank is not getting filled up.

Each person, as is very very common, requires a different currency to fill each other's love bank. Most couples understand this, and provide their partner with currency in their preferred form. In return, they receive currency in their preferred form. Simple, if you ask me.

Where it goes off the rails is when one partner can not, or will not, provide their partner with their preferred currency. (It's almost always sex, fwiw. )

Many people will say "it's not that simple there, buddy!" but IMO, yes, yes it is. If having sex, or cuddling, or being thoughtful, or buying gifts, or listening is all it takes to fill your partners love bank, you do it. Those things won't kill you (technically...), and they can, and do, bring great joy to the person you love, and who loves you. And in return, they will (or should) provide you with YOUR currency. It's. That. Simple.

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post #1717 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 01:32 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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I disagree. Reasonable should not create any expectation about how often one's current partner "should" have sex. As @Faithful Wife said, she isn't going to be happy having sex only twice a week even if most other couples are.
"Reasonable" establishes a population based threshold. It doesn't establish individual performance criteria. This isn't driving on the freeway.

Look at how many deviations you're off the median, and why. Then ensure your partner buys in.

Without such information one reverts to their population stereotypes for guidance, such as it may be.

Y'all are confusing population data vs individual data. When I clinic a new device to my study group it's exactly the same. They expect the up arrow to move up a song, down arrow down. If there's someone who prefers it the other way around we try to understand why and accommodate them. But we won't dictate to everyone how to do it.
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post #1718 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 01:36 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Your premise is wrong. It is not about what she needs. It is about what I need.

I am not distancing myself to stoke desire per se, although that sometimes happens. I am distancing myself because I will find things in my life to make it fulfilling, whether it be with her, or through my hobbies/activities.
I also get that. But before you can dismiss what it is she might need, would it not make more sense to first find out what it is you might be dismissing?
There is something stand-off ish about the situation. But I can see how this can come about (if she is unwilling to talk/listen at all, and i have no idea if this is the case but don't want to assume).
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post #1719 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 01:36 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

Oh man @Faithful Wife and @wild jade how are you the only ones who get it?
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post #1720 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 01:39 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Then you look for the conditions​ that caused the change.
Can you be sure to find it to be able to draw the right conclusions? It's too complex: it is very likely one will find an explanation that best suits one's own storyline/thinking in situations like these.
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post #1721 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 01:39 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Ok - I'm still hanging in here on this thread trying to keep up. For all you unsatisfied HD folk; why do you stay?
The pay is good
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post #1722 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 01:44 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Your love bank is being filled up by the things that work for you, done by him. For you, without resentment. He just does it.

His love bank accepts currency that you do not provide all that often, nor understand, therefore his bank is not getting filled up.

Each person, as is very very common, requires a different currency to fill each other's love bank. Most couples understand this, and provide their partner with currency in their preferred form. In return, they receive currency in their preferred form. Simple, if you ask me.

Where it goes off the rails is when one partner can not, or will not, provide their partner with their preferred currency. (It's almost always sex, fwiw. )

Many people will say "it's not that simple there, buddy!" but IMO, yes, yes it is. If having sex, or cuddling, or being thoughtful, or buying gifts, or listening is all it takes to fill your partners love bank, you do it. Those things won't kill you (technically...), and they can, and do, bring great joy to the person you love, and who loves you. And in return, they will (or should) provide you with YOUR currency. It's. That. Simple.
In theory I agree with you - but I guess my particular beef with my marriage is that I am not as picky as he is. He can do many things, or even nothing at all, and I am fine with that. But he only accepts sex to fill his bank. For the less picky person (me) it feels frustrating.

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post #1723 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 01:47 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Can you be sure to find it to be able to draw the right conclusions? It's too complex: it is very likely one will find an explanation that best suits one's own storyline/thinking in situations like these.
Let me be very frank, and this ain't the PhD psychology in me.

If you (royal) can't figure out why, then you (royal) deserve what you (royal) get.

The standard TAM groupthink rarely looks for root causes. It's always reactionary. Without understanding why it's a lost cause.
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post #1724 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 01:47 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

I don't stop meeting her needs. I reduce it. I have a clear understanding of her needs and how much she wants/expects them to be fulfilled. It is more like she will have to make due with less of me.

She will go through periods of neglecting my needs in the relationship and expect it to be okay because she doesn't think about it. It is some modicum of self-centeredness from being an only child, combined with some mild depression and anxiety, and a splash of hormonal fluctuations.

Often what she wants (as mentioned by other posters) is my presence without her engagement. That works for me sometimes. When it doesn't, then I go do the things I want to do.

All of that is okay. I will ask if there is anything I can do to help. Then I will go practice jiu jitsu or go to a movie with B11.

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Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
I also get that. But before you can dismiss what it is she might need, would it not make more sense to first find out what it is you might be dismissing?
There is something stand-off ish about the situation. But I can see how this can come about (if she is unwilling to talk/listen at all, and i have no idea if this is the case but don't want to assume).

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #1725 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 01:50 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

Can you flesh this out, please?

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Originally Posted by FrenchFry View Post
Oh man @Faithful Wife and @wild jade how are you the only ones who get it?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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