So several weeks ago, I arrived at the only logical solution to regaining some measure of participation in my own sex life (see original post, page 1). For the past 5, 6 years, I've been a passenger. Actually, I've been the family dog that gets excited when he hears the words "ride in the car?"
And that's been my own doing - I realize that. I've been conditioned (probably subconsciously on her part. I hope.) to respond only when I'm told to, and to otherwise (to use another dog analogy) "leave it".
I don't know if you recall me saying this before, but I've been in that position too, and I can totally empathize with it. It was very anxiety provoking to me, at the time.
But I do know and understand now that when I was in that position, my partner never meant to "make me" feel I was "put" in that position, nor wanted to train me like a dog. He was simply being true to his own sex drive, and had boundaries about it, and even though I wanted more frequency and he knew it, he also knew he was giving what he could *authentically* give.
Now that I understand this, I love and respect him all the more. Because it really was never meant to "put me in my place" or for him to control me. It was all about him honoring himself.
I can be literally like a puppy dog who is eager for luvs, and pets, and fun, and games, and more, and what's next, and I'm going to jump on your lap now, and pant pant, hey wanna play? Even though we just played? Pant pant, play play play. Ball? Car? Is there anything exciting in my future?
I understand now that my puppy energy was just fine with him and he accepted it and loved me and adored my puppy-like qualities. But he had boundaries. He didn't want me on his lap sometimes. He didn't want to play for more than 2 hours sometimes. He always loved me, never punished me, was always charmed by me and my presence, but he only did what he wanted to do and what was natural and authentic for him. (And that level was completely withing what others would consider normal, average, healthy, whatever).
At the time...I felt like a neglected puppy. I could not self soothe and I did not have the maturity to just sit and be cool about sh*t. (I'm not saying that's where you are at, just sharing). So I would try to seduce him. That never worked, because his love and lust for me were ALWAYS on display at a supreme level. There was no time that he lusted for me anymore than any other time, regardless of my actions. His level of lust for me also made no difference in his sex drive. He knew his baseline needs and followed them. My attempts at seduction did not make his need for sex higher.
I'm not saying that I didn't initiate with seduction very nicely a lot of the time...I'm talking about when I knew he wasn't up for sex but tried to seduce him into changing his mind. Never worked. He was either up for sex, or he wasn't. And I always knew when he was or wasn't, he was very transparent, never hid himself or his desires.
He explained to me quite honestly when we were first together that he could see I had a huge and high sex drive including a desired high frequency, but that he would never be able to live up to that level. He admired my huge need, he just didn't share it. He said he would always do his best but that I'd better get my expectations in check because he is who he is.
The sex with him was of such high quality (which was his biggest need and desire) that eventually I became very happy with it, in the quantities he was able to deliver authentically. He literally NEVER gave me any type of inauthentic sex. No duty or pity or "here I guess I'll give it to you because you're so damn horny all the time, you poor thing". Nothing like that. He was either feeling it, or we didn't do it. (I've never "not felt it", so there was never a time that this wasn't true for me, too). Eventually I understood and appreciated why he would only have sex with me when he authentically wanted to.
And in the long run...I was like a more mature, but healthy and devoted adult dog. I loved him, he loved me. I did not shake and turn circles in his presence, I just went to him and offered my head and he'd pet it. I did not get anxiety if he didn't pay attention to me, I didn't beg for it, I didn't try to jump on his lap. I learned to self soothe, and to just be good with the loving feelings I had inside of me (that felt like sexual feelings), whether they turned into something sexual with him in reality or not.
I can say I was only able to do this because we did have constant affection, flirting, playfulness, making out, and sexuality every day, whether it was a "sex day" or not. That fed me just enough to learn to self soothe in the long run.
In my current relationship...I've been allowed to be a puppy again. We are really compatible like that. There's no rules about when and where, I can just jump him any time. I like that. I prefer it (as long as the quality is still high). I think you said this was true in the beginning of your marriage, too. So maybe it is just the newness of a relationship that makes some of us bring our puppies out. I just think you and I would choose to be puppies throughout a relationship, not just in the beginning, if given our druthers.
But I learned so much about this from my ex. I do not want to impose my energetic puppy on anyone who doesn't want it. It is rude to do so. I have to respect people's boundaries, and I do now. I also have to not get butt hurt if they don't want me jumping on their lap. It isn't personal, it is just not something some people enjoy, while others love it.
I know I haven't shared anything that helps you....but I do think we are similar enough that you will enjoy what I did share.