Thoughts on this - Page 122 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 2804Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1816 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 09:54 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,629
Re: Thoughts on this

I have in the past told her what I wanted then - she was too "tired". I've sat her down and told here what I thought constituted a good sex life - and she told me I was being unreasonable.





Quote:
Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
snip

I have a feeling she might waiting for a clear sign that you actually want to have sex with her (back to uhtred). Bouncing the idea around in the room a bit waiting till someone shows a clear indication - ('it's getting late' maybe an ok move in Britain where I live, where everyone is polite and drinks tea all day long, but not in the general world, I would have thought -
It seems a bit unclear to me (sorry if I got it wrong) why you play board games with her which don't involve sex. Too considerate maybe?

After a week of no sex, I literally tell my wife that my balls are blue colour and if she doesn't open her legs, there will be an explosion.
(Ok that has to be done semi-jokingly).
But I think some women enjoy knowing when their husband is desperate. I don't think it's necessarily a weakness to show sexual frustration. Nor does it have to be a 'control' thing on woman's part.
It could be a straightforward 'game'.

Alex feels frustrated to always be in the passenger's seat but did you know that all the control can come from the 'passive' backseat driver? :-) you have the power to accept or reject her schedule thingy.

My guess is this behaviour becomes 'conditioned' when too many rejections have taken place. My advice: unless there's a valid reason to be rejected (illness etc), don't accept it. Make a fuss/confront. You carry it around with you and end up in a vicious circle.
I know I make it sound unreasonably easy. There are clearly cases where it's not straightforward (i.e. Rape histories etc, asexuality etc).


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
uhtred is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #1817 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 10:03 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,517
Re: Thoughts on this

.

Last edited by TheTruthHurts; 05-16-2017 at 02:33 PM.
TheTruthHurts is offline  
post #1818 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 10:21 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,655
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
And btw accept that you two have different needs. Last night my w gave me a bj but didn't want to o herself - she really enjoys giving oral more than anything and she often doesn't want to o. So I have s daily need and she's 1-3 times a week and that's what happens. And it's ok - since I don't expect her to experience sexual satisfaction the same way I do.

Ponder that - is it ok if you both experience satisfaction differently?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
You have different needs, so your wife takes that into account and satisfies yours even though she doesn't have a need at that time.

Great! My wife would do the same.

But there's no way @alexm's wife is going to do that (she has specifically said that she hates NSA blowjobs).

So, what's the difference between our wives and alex's?

I know this sounds crude, but I would only marry a woman who was happy to perform NSA oral sex. She can't control her libido, but she can control how she responds to mine.
Buddy400 is offline  
post #1819 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 11:49 AM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,845
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
Just an observation but something I noticed happens not infrequently: you mention something in a passive form (grammatically), while it's pretty self evident who and what you mean, but when you realise that perhaps it was too confrontational or maybe over the top, you either retrace your steps ('don't put words in my mouth') or change the tack so that this negative that you were just criticising, suddenly becomes a positive & something you like in people... It makes it difficult to read/understand the tone of your original posts correctly (for me at least).
Maybe it's a forum thing.
I've noticed the exact same thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexm View Post
Update: Bit of a "fail" weekend, but... meh.
Same here. Hubby left for vacation with his dad at 4 am Sat morning, so I KIND of expected some action before he left. Thurs we raked the yard and when he came to bed he said so sorry I'm too tired to 'make love', rolled over and went to sleep. Fri morning I woke up a bit before him and 'rubbed' him for a bit but he didn't respond, then when his alarm went off he got up and got ready for work and that was that. Friday night we get home, his dad is going to be there in a couple of hours, and I wanted to see if he'd initiate anything since I'd basically been turned down twice in the last 24 hours. Nope. Nada. Zilch. Right when we got home would have been perfect, or right after we exercised and were changing to get into the hot tub, or after his dad went to bed. But NOTHING.

Sigh. Work in progress, work in progress.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
Hope1964 is offline  
post #1820 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 11:51 AM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,845
Re: Thoughts on this

@alexm, sorry if you've addressed this, but did your wife have a religious upbringing or something? Were her parents anti-sex? Because mine sure were, and I had a few hang ups to get over before I was able to really WANT sex. I was in my 40's before that happened. And I used to act like your wife does now in some ways.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
Hope1964 is offline  
post #1821 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 01:21 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
alexm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,792
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post

You haven't indicated your W is NOT accommodating and willing when direct expectations are set - so why not accept this is the door - and go ahead and open it???


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Seems like I have, no?

Just because I've accepted it, doesn't mean I like it, though. It is what it is. I see that now. No sense in getting as worked up about it as I used to.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
alexm is offline  
post #1822 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 01:23 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
alexm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,792
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
And btw accept that you two have different needs. Last night my w gave me a bj but didn't want to o herself - she really enjoys giving oral more than anything and she often doesn't want to o. So I have s daily need and she's 1-3 times a week and that's what happens. And it's ok - since I don't expect her to experience sexual satisfaction the same way I do.

Ponder that - is it ok if you both experience satisfaction differently?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I absolutely would if I were getting blown a few times a week, yeah. I have NO problem with the differences we have, just in her nearly resolute manner of 'once a week, on her terms'. If there was a compromise, as there is in your marriage, I'd not just be 'fine', I'd be ecstatic. An acknowledgement that there's a need for more than just once a week intercourse would be magical.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
alexm is offline  
post #1823 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 01:26 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
alexm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,792
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
@alexm, sorry if you've addressed this, but did your wife have a religious upbringing or something? Were her parents anti-sex? Because mine sure were, and I had a few hang ups to get over before I was able to really WANT sex. I was in my 40's before that happened. And I used to act like your wife does now in some ways.
Short answer - no. Long answer, pm'ing you.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
alexm is offline  
post #1824 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 03:49 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 621
Re: Thoughts on this

Going to sort of piggyback off of Hope's post above but in a different vein - does your wife have friends who talk about how they rarely have sex with their husbands? If so, then that leads her to think that her attitude is normal (apologies if you mentioned this - scanned the thread but certainly possible that this was covered and I missed it). I see it with my wife - heard her tell a friend that the friend should get a year-long "pass" from sex because they have to move because of husband's job. Her reward for having to move is to not have sex for a year? Is sex that much of a bother where getting a year off is considered a treat or reward?
ChargingCharlie is offline  
post #1825 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 05:03 PM
Member
 
john117's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 11,620
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChargingCharlie View Post
Going to sort of piggyback off of Hope's post above but in a different vein - does your wife have friends who talk about how they rarely have sex with their husbands? If so, then that leads her to think that her attitude is normal (apologies if you mentioned this - scanned the thread but certainly possible that this was covered and I missed it). I see it with my wife - heard her tell a friend that the friend should get a year-long "pass" from sex because they have to move because of husband's job. Her reward for having to move is to not have sex for a year? Is sex that much of a bother where getting a year off is considered a treat or reward?
Yes.
john117 is online now  
post #1826 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 06:03 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Southwestern US
Posts: 721
John when is your blast off date? Soon, isn't it?
Livvie is online now  
post #1827 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 06:30 PM
Member
 
inmyprime's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: London
Posts: 1,294
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexm View Post
You're not wrong about the scheduling thing. I've always known that in the back of my mind.

The only thing I don't agree with is the labelling/mislabelling. She describes herself as ND (or rather, asexual - but I actually disagree with the asexual part).

In any case, we discussed this topic a few years ago, and long story short, she claims she's never had desire before, ever. She doesn't understand the concept of being horny. Until she bought a sex toy at a party her friend had, she had never once masturbated. And even after buying the toy, it only lasted a couple of months (seems like it was more experimental than anything, a new sensation, and more novel than sexual. I don't think she's masturbated solo in a couple of years now).

Anyway, I don't believe she's asexual or NO desire, but I do think she's the very definition of responsive desire. But responsive only when there's agreed-upon physical touch, if you know what I mean. She has to know it's coming, has to prepare for it. It has to be on the agenda, I guess.

And I have difficulty understanding this (not that I have to, I know that now) because she's not like this with anything else. So there's a block of some sort when it comes to sex, and it can never be impulsive, on-the-fly, unplanned, whatever.
But surely it can be if it comes from you? I mean how much advance notice dos she need?
Say it's a weekend, you are away (no kids etc), do you actually need to inform her a day or sveral beforehand to have sex or can you start it with her, spontaneously, can she respond straight away?
I really wouldn't get too hung up on all these ND/LD/HD definitions...Her jumping into bed naked: pretty difficult thing to do if you are not horny. Her enjoying the sex/climaxing: ditto.

I wonder under which circumstances/what else was said in the conversation when she described herself as an 'asexual'. Sounds an odd thing to say in view of what you describe. Was it during an argument?
Not many women feel or express 'horniness' in exactly the same way men do (the speed with which a man can go commando is I would say a man thing in general). Doesn't mean there's anything much to worry about IMO.
inmyprime is offline  
post #1828 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 06:40 PM
Member
 
inmyprime's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: London
Posts: 1,294
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexm View Post
Update: Bit of a "fail" weekend, but... meh.

Friday, house to ourselves. Had a fun evening out with friends, got home early enough, but she passed out before anything could happen. No big deal. I was up for a few hours after she was, so I was a little frustrated, but not at her.

Saturday, a bit of a cluster-fudge. Out with friends again, and home a bit later than I had hoped for, but all good. Said she was going up to bed, so I guess I expected the usual Saturday night. Came up 5 or so minutes later only to find her in bed, lights out. Awake enough to mumble good night and tell me to come back to bed in the morning and 'wake her up'. I went back downstairs and watched some baseball. Frustrated, but not upset.

Sunday morning - did as she had asked me. I'm almost always up before her on weekends, and I putter around, put the coffee on, etc. By the time I went back upstairs to wake her up (nudge, nudge, wink, wink!) she had gotten out of bed already. Probably missed her by a minute or two. I made it pretty clear, non-verbally, that I was not up there to get dressed, but she proceeded to do so, then brush her teeth, etc. Oh well!

Sunday night, not long before bed, it got the best of me, and I straight up asked her "so, are we going to **** tonight or what?" (I was smiling when I said this, btw. And yes, those are the exact words I used!) And she said, very coyly "welllll... okay!". So we did.

Not ideal for me, but I'll take it. I've stuck to my guns about being whiny or meek. And even though I DID ask, I didn't "ask".
Yep, that's the way to do it, if you don't want to let it slide (or want it to 'slide in', instead . You did ask But that should be absolutely fine! (It's only not fine if you are rejected many times in a row then it's a problem...)

Also, ironically, it seems you are more on a schedule than she is. She probably has no idea what a 'sex schedule' is
inmyprime is offline  
post #1829 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 06:54 PM
Member
 
inmyprime's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: London
Posts: 1,294
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I have in the past told her what I wanted then - she was too "tired". I've sat her down and told here what I thought constituted a good sex life - and she told me I was being unreasonable.
I am not sure that's the premise I would start out with. I would tell her what I would want in my sex life to happen, not what a 'good sex life should look like'.
Own your needs. There's no shame in that.
If she tells you you are unreasonable (or selfish etc), ask her if she thinks being tired every single time you want to have sex with your wife is reasonable.
inmyprime is offline  
post #1830 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 07:45 PM
Member
 
john117's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 11,620
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
John when is your blast off date? Soon, isn't it?
End of the month once everyone is at home and we're ready to play the Monty Hall game..
john117 is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Would Like to Hear Your Thoughts WhiskeyVictor Considering Divorce or Separation 9 09-17-2016 12:55 AM
Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts? Beautiful-day-I-hope The Family & Parenting Forums 15 04-19-2016 12:14 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome