Thoughts on this - Page 123 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 2804Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1831 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 08:33 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Southwestern US
Posts: 718
Quote:
Originally Posted by john117 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
John when is your blast off date? Soon, isn't it?
End of the month once everyone is at home and we're ready to play the Monty Hall game..
Are you nervous?
Livvie is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #1832 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 09:02 PM
Member
 
john117's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 11,616
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
Are you nervous?
Nope. Like Monty Hall, there's three doors. One with a good outcome and two with not good outcomes. Costs and benefits for all three have been calculated.

All we need is our contestant.
john117 is offline  
post #1833 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 09:16 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Southwestern US
Posts: 718
I think you should start a thread about it. It might end up harder than you think.
Livvie is offline  
post #1834 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 08:28 AM
Member
 
EllisRedding's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Valhalla (Or the Northeast USA)
Posts: 6,518
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexm View Post


Anyway, I don't believe she's asexual or NO desire, but I do think she's the very definition of responsive desire. But responsive only when there's agreed-upon physical touch, if you know what I mean. She has to know it's coming, has to prepare for it. It has to be on the agenda, I guess.
I am still not convinced your W is responsive desire (at least how I view the definition). The whole "agreed upon" concept seems to go against being responsive desire (IMO)
EllisRedding is offline  
post #1835 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 08:39 AM
Member
 
inmyprime's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: London
Posts: 1,294
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
I am still not convinced your W is responsive desire (at least how I view the definition). The whole "agreed upon" concept seems to go against being responsive desire (IMO)
But "agreed upon" may be Alexm's perspective/perception of the situation. It may not necessarily be his wife's perspective or how she feels about it, judging of what actually happens in the bedroom. It's kind of hard to keep enjoying sex out of 'agreement', week in/out.
inmyprime is online now  
post #1836 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 08:42 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Southwestern US
Posts: 718
Quote:
Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by alexm View Post


Anyway, I don't believe she's asexual or NO desire, but I do think she's the very definition of responsive desire. But responsive only when there's agreed-upon physical touch, if you know what I mean. She has to know it's coming, has to prepare for it. It has to be on the agenda, I guess.
I am still not convinced your W is responsive desire (at least how I view the definition). The whole "agreed upon" concept seems to go against being responsive desire (IMO)
I think she's responsive desire with complete control (over your sex life together) in that she has determined that the only time she will BE responsive is at the allotted day/time. Hasn't she let it be known that you are not to approach her with any kind of sexuality (even flirting) during the week? That's responsive desire, with the added twist of-- but only under her terms/times.
Livvie is offline  
post #1837 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 08:43 AM
Member
 
EllisRedding's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Valhalla (Or the Northeast USA)
Posts: 6,518
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
But "agreed upon" may be Alexm's perspective/perception of the situation. It may not necessarily be his wife's perspective or how she feels about it, judging of what actually happens in the bedroom. It's kind of hard to keep enjoying sex out of 'agreement', week in/out.
I guess everyone has their own definition. RD (to me) means that your SO does not reject you whenever you try to initiate unless it is on an agreed upon schedule. I am not saying she should always say yes, but it sounds like 100% guaranteed for example that if Alex tried to initiate any day during the week he will be shot down.
EllisRedding is offline  
post #1838 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 08:47 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,516
Thoughts on this

.

Last edited by TheTruthHurts; 05-16-2017 at 02:32 PM.
TheTruthHurts is online now  
post #1839 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 08:53 AM
Member
 
EllisRedding's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Valhalla (Or the Northeast USA)
Posts: 6,518
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
No I'm with @alexm here. That's my w too. Only at night in bed etc. No sexuality otherwise. Sleep over everything else.
I would say that is different from my W, who I consider to fit more of the RD definition. She never rejects me, would be glad to have whatever sex life possible as long as I take practically full responsibility for (which means I have to initiate, the moment I stop initiating we will easily go 1 month or more without sex).
EllisRedding is offline  
post #1840 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 08:56 AM
Member
 
WorkingOnMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 6,042
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
I guess everyone has their own definition. RD (to me) means that your SO does not reject you whenever you try to initiate unless it is on an agreed upon schedule. I am not saying she should always say yes, but it sounds like 100% guaranteed for example that if Alex tried to initiate any day during the week he will be shot down.


Exactly. Responsive is the key element. If she's only responsive once a week it's not responsive desire.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
WorkingOnMe is online now  
post #1841 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 09:09 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,516
Thoughts on this

.

Last edited by TheTruthHurts; 05-16-2017 at 02:28 PM.
TheTruthHurts is online now  
post #1842 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 09:12 AM
Member
 
inmyprime's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: London
Posts: 1,294
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
Exactly. Responsive is the key element. If she's only responsive once a week it's not responsive desire.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
She's responsive when she feels she can be responsive, given her life/work/schedule/responsibilities. That's my interpretation of it anyway and I could be wrong.
Out of curiosity: what would happen if you asked her explicitly whether you could have sex with her on a Wednesday once (if she has the time) and if she would explicitly disallow it?

My perception is (and I could be wrong) that she is not that type of 'controlling' personality.

My understanding is that he also does not like the fact that she is 'responsive' in the first place (as in, he would prefer it if she found ways to show him, that sex to her is at least as important as it is to him. What does this mean in practice: it seems the only way for him to feel this, would be if she initiated sex at more frequent intervals than him, otherwise she will forever remain responsive in his eyes which he is not that keen on. It is not a small thing to ask/expect to change in her personality, and IMV debatable whether it is reasonable too, given risks of breaking something that sort of works for both already, because it requires some expectation of rewiring of her personality from her part).

Last edited by inmyprime; 05-10-2017 at 09:27 AM.
inmyprime is online now  
post #1843 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 09:16 AM
Member
 
EllisRedding's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Valhalla (Or the Northeast USA)
Posts: 6,518
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
Couldn't disagree more.

I think you guys are missing a key element here.
I don't think there is a right or wrong here. We all appear to have slightly different definitions of RD. My interpretation of RD does not fit with rejection or having sex only when the "RD" is in control of the situation.
EllisRedding is offline  
post #1844 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 09:21 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,516
Re: Thoughts on this

.

Last edited by TheTruthHurts; 05-16-2017 at 02:27 PM.
TheTruthHurts is online now  
post #1845 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 09:27 AM
Member
 
WorkingOnMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 6,042
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
I already responded that this is not the case. No issues of control.

BUT that may be some people's issue here - the perception that this is about control.

However I don't feel RD is related to control at all, though some of your partners may have both issues (but not mine)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I'm a little confused because you seem to be talking about your wife on Alex's thread. Anyway I don't believe Alex's wife is RD because most of the time she's not responsive which is a key element. Rather I think she's just a common low drive gatekeeper.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
WorkingOnMe is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Would Like to Hear Your Thoughts WhiskeyVictor Considering Divorce or Separation 9 09-17-2016 12:55 AM
Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts? Beautiful-day-I-hope The Family & Parenting Forums 15 04-19-2016 12:14 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome