Thoughts on this - Page 124 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1846 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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I already responded that this is not the case. No issues of control.

BUT that may be some people's issue here - the perception that this is about control.

However I don't feel RD is related to control at all, though some of your partners may have both issues (but not mine)


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No worries. Like I said, under what I consider RD I don't feel Alex's wife fits under this. If you have a different definition of RD you will likely draw a different conclusion.
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post #1847 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 09:37 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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I'm a little confused because you seem to be talking about your wife on Alex's thread. Anyway I don't believe Alex's wife is RD because most of the time she's not responsive which is a key element. Rather I think she's just a common low drive gatekeeper.


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RD doesn't automatically imply you have no control over it (and will always respond 'uncontrollably'), nor does it mean that having control over her own desire means that she is trying to have control over Alexm or their sex life. Sorry, what am I missing/what is so complicated about it?
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post #1848 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 09:57 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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I would say that is different from my W, who I consider to fit more of the RD definition. She never rejects me, would be glad to have whatever sex life possible as long as I take practically full responsibility for (which means I have to initiate, the moment I stop initiating we will easily go 1 month or more without sex).
Let me add my take on Responsive Desire.

A woman can have RD (I have no idea how RD might play out with men), whether she gives it a chance to work is another question.

If a woman has RD but thinks that she should only have sex when she has spontaneous desire, that's a problem. If she gave her partner a chance to get her in the mood, she'd enjoy sex but she's unwilling to begin a sexual encounter if she isn't already feeling desire. In this case, the solution is to convince her to give her RD a chance to respond.

Many women (especially in LTRs) have RD. However, those men who expect their wife to demonstrate the same spontaneous desire they have still aren't going to be happy. I think that the whole "men and women's sexuality are exactly the same" meme has caused many men to have unrealistic expectations.
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post #1849 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 10:00 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Let me add my take on Responsive Desire.

A woman can have RD (I have no idea how RD might play out with men)
Premature E?
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post #1850 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 10:05 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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I'm a little confused because you seem to be talking about your wife on Alex's thread. Anyway I don't believe Alex's wife is RD because most of the time she's not responsive which is a key element. Rather I think she's just a common low drive gatekeeper.


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I think that Alex's wife may well be RD, but she thinks it's wrong to begin a sexual experience if she's not feeling desire. Scheduling it for Saturday night gives her a chance to get herself to desire it.

I believe that she thinks it's wrong to have sex if she doesn't feel the desire at the moment, that it's somehow unfair or a situation where she's being "used".
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post #1851 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 10:12 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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I think that Alex's wife may well be RD, but she thinks it's wrong to begin a sexual experience if she's not feeling desire. Scheduling it for Saturday night gives her a chance to get herself to desire it.

I believe that she thinks it's wrong to have sex if she doesn't feel the desire at the moment, that it's somehow unfair or a situation where she's being "used".
I wonder Alex, have you had conversations with your W about the bolded, maybe to get a better understanding about why on the "non scheduled" days sex is a no go (i.e. she only equates having sex with having the desire at that moment). This would seem to fit in with what you have posted here.
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post #1852 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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I think that Alex's wife may well be RD, but she thinks it's wrong to begin a sexual experience if she's not feeling desire. Scheduling it for Saturday night gives her a chance to get herself to desire it.



I believe that she thinks it's wrong to have sex if she doesn't feel the desire at the moment, that it's somehow unfair or a situation where she's being "used".


That's an assumption she may not be so happy with.
I thought she indicated it's due to their schedules and that her mind is focused on more/other things during the week.
Why make it more complicated?


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post #1853 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 12:35 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

So many interpretations. And yet not a single person here seems to want to listen to or believe what comes straight from the horse's mouth (so to speak).



No wonder people have so many problems in their marriages.
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post #1854 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 02:21 PM
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Thoughts on this

.,

Last edited by TheTruthHurts; 05-16-2017 at 02:28 PM.
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post #1855 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 04:55 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Let me add my take on Responsive Desire.

A woman can have RD (I have no idea how RD might play out with men), whether she gives it a chance to work is another question.

If a woman has RD but thinks that she should only have sex when she has spontaneous desire, that's a problem. If she gave her partner a chance to get her in the mood, she'd enjoy sex but she's unwilling to begin a sexual encounter if she isn't already feeling desire. In this case, the solution is to convince her to give her RD a chance to respond.

Many women (especially in LTRs) have RD. However, those men who expect their wife to demonstrate the same spontaneous desire they have still aren't going to be happy. I think that the whole "men and women's sexuality are exactly the same" meme has caused many men to have unrealistic expectations.
This is what I think, and experience, in my own marriage.

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post #1856 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 05:32 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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This is what I think, and experience, in my own marriage.

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I think to ignore and not be able to discuss certain fundamental common traits and differences between women's and men's sexuality (due to political correctness maybe, I am not sure what the reasons are) seems to me one of the primary reasons why both sexes often don't manage to come to some sort of agreement/compromise quicker.
Likewise is the inability for LDs to understand and relate to the mechanics of an HD spouse (and vice versa).
We are all somewhat 'autistic' in that sense and just lack a certain amount of empathy which creates these large voids and misunderstandings between partners.
It seems so obvious from the outside yet I have been in these situations so many times myself.
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post #1857 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 05:39 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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I think to ignore and not be able to discuss certain fundamental common traits and differences between women's and men's sexuality (due to political correctness maybe, I am not sure what the reasons are) seems to me one of the primary reasons why both sexes often don't manage to come to some sort of agreement/compromise quicker.
I agree with this. It is one reason Dug and I are not on the equality bandwagon. Needs are not necessarily equal.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #1858 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 05:46 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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That's pretty dismissive TBH. The Inability to convey ideas based on unfamiliar assumptions is the root cause of many marital communication problems. Your dismissal of conversation needed to clarify and understand is s good example of poor communication imo.


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@wild jade being dismissive!!!????

Say it ain't so.........
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post #1859 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 06:33 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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That's pretty dismissive TBH. The Inability to convey ideas based on unfamiliar assumptions is the root cause of many marital communication problems. Your dismissal of conversation needed to clarify and understand is s good example of poor communication imo.


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I'm not dismissing conversation aimed at understanding at all. Not for a minute.

I'm just wondering why no one wants to listen to the one person who is actually the subject of all of this conversation and "insight".
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post #1860 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 06:37 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
I think to ignore and not be able to discuss certain fundamental common traits and differences between women's and men's sexuality (due to political correctness maybe, I am not sure what the reasons are) seems to me one of the primary reasons why both sexes often don't manage to come to some sort of agreement/compromise quicker.
Likewise is the inability for LDs to understand and relate to the mechanics of an HD spouse (and vice versa).
We are all somewhat 'autistic' in that sense and just lack a certain amount of empathy which creates these large voids and misunderstandings between partners.
It seems so obvious from the outside yet I have been in these situations so many times myself.
I agree with this, but would add that with this "autism" seems to come with a tendency to pigeon-hole people into one's own categories, experiences, and perspectives, rather than just listening to what they actually have to say.

The power of listening shouldn't be underestimated.

Last edited by wild jade; 05-10-2017 at 06:42 PM.
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